My new Beliefnet colleague and old online friend Amy Welborn writes with breathtakingly raw honesty about her regrets in the wake of her husband Michael Dubruiel's recent sudden death. Excerpt:
Then it was time to see him.It was a big room. I assume where they had worked on him. Lots of space for machines and people to rush in and out.
And on the other end, about 15 feet away from where I stood at the door, there he was.
He looked as if he were sleeping, lightly covered by a blue sheet.
I could have sworn I saw the sheet move. He will wake up. We will joke about this. He will tell me all about whatever insanity and stupidity brought him here. We will go home.
But he didn't. He slept on.
And here's the thing.
I didn't get close to him. I didn't go right up to him, touch him one last time, study him, say goodbye as I stood so near to him. I was in such a state - near hysteria - I refused. The nurse was so gently trying to encourage me to stay longer, to take my time, to get closer.
But I didn't. I was so scared. I think I thought - at whatever level I was thinking - that if I just got the hell out of there, it would all stop.
Do, do, do read the whole thing. It'll shake you up.
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I read it on Via Media yesterday....wrenchingly honest. Her bravery is stunning, to share this. We all like to think we know what we would do when faced with something like this. In reality we have no idea and will likely fall short of what we think we should do.
Amy and Michael remain in my thoughts and prayers.
Everybody's situation is unique. But, I have been in a very similar situation myself, losing my wife suddenly when she was 39. We had three boys 13, 10 and 3. I made the 4 hour drive to the hospital and made a different choice that Amy's. I needed to convince myself then and there in a very physical sense that my wife had died. Each of us is different and each deals with these things differently. I'm not saure what I did was the best thing either. I have my own regrets.
Is is true that, until it happens to us, that we have no idea what we should do. Almost 50% of those of us in long term marriages will be faced with similar situations. One thing that surpised me was how many other people were like me in just my own parish. There were at least 20 families that had lost a spouse/parent under 45 suddenly within the previosu two years. Somehow I had overlooked their presense among us until I was in a similar situation.
It's too late for me to lose my husband under 45, but I can't imagine what I will do if I am the survivor. I read about a couple in their early 90's who were canoeing, together in the same canoe, and got caught in rough water and drowned. Together. Now I'd say that's about ideal. But most of us don't get a deal like that.
Unlike Amy and Michael, we married when we were children almost, and grew up together. It's a very different kind of closeness, but no less intense. There's no easy way to lose that person.
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