What makes a good spiritual leader?

I've been thinking more about the issue I posted on last night, but didn't want to add this to an already too-long reflection. Consider what follows here an addendum.

As I was up this morning and at prayer, I thought of my friend N., who is only about half my own age, but who has an unusual and natural spiritual and moral authority. Actually the first thing I thought about was, "I wish I were more like N.," and reflected on how much authentic concern he has for the lives of others, and how patient he is with difficult people -- but also how he's no pushover. I thought about how difficult I find it to love those who are difficult to love, and how quick I am to avoid situations and people who are, well, difficult. That's not N.'s way. I find that not only admirable, but something I want to imitate. I found myself not only praying for N., but asking God to help me be more like him.

Many people have suggested to N. that he has a priestly vocation. It seems obvious to me that he does, and in reflecting about the mature and compassionate way he treats and counsels others, and that I, though much older than he, want to be like him, I thought yes, he really does have spiritual gifts, including the gift of spiritual leadership. Funny, but most of the priests and pastors I've known over the course of my life, whether Protestant, Catholic or Orthodox, aren't men I looked to, or would look to, for spiritual and moral leadership. Valid confectors of the Sacrament, yes, but not as spiritual leaders one can trust with the most important decisions one faces in life. Even though he's young, N. is not like that.

St. Paul, in the fourth chapter of his first letter to the Corinthians, addresses the question of spiritual authority in the local church. The church at Corinth had gotten uppity, and decided that it could figure out for itself which leaders to follow. Paul rebuked them harshly, sarcastically pointing out that who were they, living in such comfort, to decide that they knew better than the Apostle and his helpers, who were living in poverty and at great risk for the sake of the Gospel? What the saint gets at, I think, is that one way to discern true spiritual and moral authority is by examining the lives those in authority over us lead -- especially in light of the lives we lead. If our priest/bishop/pastor said, as Paul does here, to be an imitator of him, is that trustworthy advice? This is true if our would-be spiritual leader is a luxury-besotted softie as if he is a cruel, stern taskmaster.

I remember what a strong impression it made on me the first time I visited the house of Archbishop Dmitri, the (now retired) OCA bishop of the Diocese of the South. The DOS is enormous, and important. I went to the Archbishop's house expecting something palatial. What I found was a humble cottage with a leaky roof. Vladyka Dmitri lives there with his dog, ascetically. It took me aback: this is how an archbishop of the Church lives?! It was a revelation about the character of this extraordinary, and extraordinarily humble, monk. Now, I have no idea if all the OCA bishops live like this, but as someone who was sick to death of the privilege many bishops of my former church live in, even as their corrupt leadership devastates parishes and families, it taught me something important about the man under whose spiritual authority I would eventually place myself. I'm not saying every bishop has to live so humbly to be worthy of following, but it does offer a powerful testimony. I seem to recall that when Cardinal Sean O'Malley took over in the troubled Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Boston, he sold off the episcopal palace, and took of residence in a small apartment -- this, as a sign of penitence and humility. Bless him.

On the other hand, I've recently heard terrible stories about men who had a lot of contact with the recently (forcibly) retired former Metropolitan of the OCA, a corrupt senior bishop who loved living in luxury and enjoying his power and self-aggrandizement. The spiritual damage this unworthy servant wrought in the souls of those who trusted his leadership was not inconsiderable. What a terrifying thing it must be to hold spiritual power over people! How very much good can a wise and compassionate spiritual father do for his flock, and how very much damage can a bad one do.

I'd like to hear from readers about wise and good spiritual fathers (or mothers) they've had. What made him (or her) so? Also, I'd like to hear -- no names please -- about bad spiritual fathers (or mothers), and what qualities made them so.

UPDATE: A clarification for our non-Catholic and non-Orthodox readers. The individual moral qualities of a validly ordained priest has nothing to do with the validity of the Sacraments administered through his hands. The Jesus that comes to us in the Eucharist confected by the hands of a clerical child molester is the same Jesus that comes to us through the hands of a great clerical saint. Similarly, the personal worthiness of a particular priest or bishop doesn't have anything to do with his legitimate ecclesial authority. In this post, I'm talking about the personal authority a spiritual leader has to lead his flock, and to be a trustworthy shepherd of souls.