I've been working this summer to wake up early to pray for an hour, but it's been hit or miss. Last night, for example, we had a bad thunderstorm blow through. Power went out. All of us woke up. Struggled to get back to sleep ... and when the alarm went off at five, I kept turning it off until it was too late. And so it goes.
I am a horribly undisciplined person, spiritually and otherwise. My m.o. in college was to put off doing the paper until the night before, get juiced on caffeine, write like a fiend ... and, usually, make an A. But I never developed any good habits. I think one reason why I gravitate to highly structured, liturgical religion is because I am all too aware of what a slob, a layabout and a slave to my appetites that I am in my natural state. If I had Michael Jackson's money, I'd probably be snarfing down ... well, not Demerol, but Veuve Clicquot, and importing chickens from Bresse on a chartered flight for Sunday dinner. I need the rigor to remain human.
Notorious Jewish agrarian cult leader Sharon Astyk has been having similar thoughts. Excerpt:
Yesterday, I broke the Sabbath by working. I had a good reason, of course - I have a book deadline in less than two weeks, and I'm getting a little panicky that the manuscript might not be ready in time. It is a perfectly decent reason for doing something I shouldn't - except that I know that if I truly treated the Sabbath as inviolable, I'd have found a way to make sure that the book was further along. I know that somewhere in the back of my head, I had already allowed myself "well, if things get really dire, I could always break the Sabbath." And that's not exactly one of my proudest moments. ...
I do have self-discipline about some things - I won't turn the heat rather than put on a layer, I generally won't fly, even when people offer me a lot of money to come talk at their events, I won't tell someone I think they are right just to keep the peace. But it is a constant struggle with temptation. And I find myself attracted, yet again, to absolute solutions - longing for a life where the easy ways out don't even exist for me.
More:
Culturally, we tend not to have a lot of respect for people who lack self-discipline, or a lot of concern about the idea of temptation. We have decided, for example, that rules about avoiding sexual temptation, for example are outdated - we should, instead, rely primarily on our own self-discipline. Thus, older ideas of modesty (which of course have their problems, since they often were primarily emphasized for women) and restraint have fallen away - to be replaced primarily with self restraint. The only problem is, we don't have much.
The same thing is true with technologies - we are told that there's no point in objecting to a technology, or suggesting we shouldn't go down certain technical avenues - no one has to have a cell phone or a car or a whatever. The problem is that a narrative that says so presumes that we do have a cultural basis for self-denial, that we've been taught how to say no, how to think critically about our technologies, or, for that matter, about sex. It assumes that we've been taught to value self restraint.
There are real merits to self-denial and real pleasures in it, and not just austere ones, or the pleasures of being self-righteous. That is, I genuinely think my life without a car would be better, more enjoyable, more fun than my life with one. The economic, personal, time and social costs of the car - and certainly the costs of a car-based society are simply too high. But not only do most of us not realize that cars actually take more time and money than they return, but most of us have never in our lives been asked to think about what self-discipline might do for us, whether it has any merits, other than the ability to sniff down your nose at someone not as austere. In fact, the accusation of self-righteousness often completely undermines any discussion of self-limitation, simply because we cannot imagine that there are other merits involved.
There is certainly plenty of truth in the statement that I need more personal self-discipline, or that I can't blame the fact that I eat too many cookies on the culture as a whole. And I don't. But in a culture that dismisses the idea that temptation is a problem, that we might begin addressing our deepest social problems by restricting our capacity to give way to our worst selves, it is very hard to even begin to find a way at those problems.
Boy, she nails it, doesn't she? We don't live in a culture that sees temptation as a problem. Anybody who says we should resist it, or cut back on luxuries for some greater good, risks being called a scold, a Puritan or a snoot. These are the psychological defenses of someone -- or an entire culture -- who has a problem that they're not willing to come to terms with. As Wendell Berry has written:
"The great obstacle is simply this: the conviction that we cannot change because we are dependent on what is wrong. But that is the addict's excuse, and we know it will not do."
Do we know that? Do I? I'm not sure that I do, but I give thanks that I have Orthodoxy to help me learn it day in and day out, despite my own laziness and lack of discipline. Fr. John Romanides, in the first line of his "Patristic Theology," writes, "The chief concern of the Orthodox Church is the healing of the human soul." Not "salvation in the next life," though that is entailed by Fr. Romanides statement, but healing of the human soul in the here and now. How profound that is, as I'm starting all too late to learn.