Before we go any further, let's be clear about something: I'm not saying Miami Social is so bad it's good. I'm saying it's so bad it will make you regret being born with eyes. I'm saying it's so bad that if you saw a member of the cast burst into flame on the street, you wouldn't waste your spit putting him or her out. I'm saying Osama bin Laden, if he sees it, will weep bitter tears of frustration that he went after the wrong American city.
Time to get your Charles Cosimano on, as America's celebrity-industrial complex goes into Defcon 5 in advance of tomorrow's apotheosis of Michael Jackson:
Downtown hotels were quickly filling. Police, trying to avoid a mob scene, warned those without tickets to stay away because they would not be able to get close to the Staples Center.
British Airways reported a surge of bookings as soon as the memorial arrangements were announced. Virgin's trans-Atlantic flights to San Francisco, Las Vegas and Los Angeles were all packed with fans and VIPs, said spokesman Paul Charles.
"I think this is America's version of Princess Diana. People want to be in the vicinity. People from the UK and elsewhere want to share their emotions together," Charles said.
America's Princess Diana. Vom. Could these obsequies possibly get more craptastic? Maybe they'll set Elizabeth Taylor on fire, or something. Tito, pass me the Demerol...
Thank you, Lord, for making television. Thank you for making David Letterman. Thank you for making YouTube:
In other must-see YouTube TV, did you see David After Dentist, the kid who was spaced out after his trip to He Whose Profession Shall Not Be Mentioned On This Blog? Oh man, this is so funny it hurts:
I swear, I'm trying to be kind about this. But it's hard. This line:
"I pledge to be a servant to our president and all mankind--"
...was where I lost it. Who are these people?! If right-wingers had made a video like this and pledged their loyalty to Messiah Dubya, there would have been no end of mockery of it. And I would have been among them.
We desperately need some British people to get in there and make fun of those celebrity poltroons. Please!
What's your pledge? My pledge is to check back with Demi Moore in a year and see if she's made good on her vow to free a million slaves.
Rod Dreher is an editorial columnist for the Dallas Morning News, and author of "Crunchy Cons" (Crown Forum), a nonfiction book about conservatives, most of them religious, whose faith and political convictions sometimes put them at odds with mainstream conservatives. The views expressed in this blog are his own.
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