Erin Manning: June 2009 Archives

Morning, all; I'm not officially sitting in for Rod while he's away this weekend, but I have been keeping an eye on the conversations. Rod generously gave me permission to put up a post or two, as well, so I hope you don't mind hearing from me this morning.

It's early--before 6:30 a.m. as I write this--because my family goes to Mass early. As early as it is, you can already tell that it's going to be another unbelievably hot day here; a heavy haze hangs over the sunrise-coated scene outside my window, and there's a stickiness in the air that even air conditioning can't quite dispel. Moods, as anyone can understand, get a little fragile in this weather; it's easy to be cranky and impatient with each other.

I was thinking about both of these things--moods, and air conditioning--yesterday when my family and I were out running errands. One of these took us into a warehouse-club store, and as I looked at the drab, scowling faces of my fellow shoppers I was very tempted to judge them out of hand for their gloom. But then I wondered what my own face looked like. It was very hot outside, I didn't particularly want to be shopping, some of our errands had been unsuccessful, and this was the last stop of a long day of shopping. My fellow shoppers and I may or may not have been carrying any great unknown burdens, but we were all lugging around at least the heat and the way it saps your energy, and none of us were the better for it.

But the other thing I pondered was how this store, the others we'd been to, our day of running errands in hundred-degree weather, were all only possible because of air conditioning, and the huge amount of energy use it requires. I don't know whether people in southern climates use more energy to air condition homes and businesses in the summer than is used by people in northern ones to heat their homes in winter, but it wouldn't be surprising if that were the case. Yet without air conditioning, many of these places where we can live comfortably would be quite different in the heat of the summer than they are; not just uncomfortable, but in some cases, for some people, dangerous.

Still, plenty of people live in very hot climates without any air conditioning at all. Even places in America where air conditioning is ubiquitous had little of it a surprisingly short number of decades ago. If the energy costs of cooling huge buildings, smaller stores, and even much smaller homes ever got to be more than we could sustain, we might have to go back to old-fashioned ways of dealing with the heat.

And that would mean, in addition to building homes in such a way that open windows provided good cross-breezes and to building stores that would allow for more natural ventilation, an adjustment in our moods. People in the past endured this heat without any artificial cooling, and they didn't drag themselves around grumpy and cranky all day--because they knew better than to drag themselves around at all in the heat of the afternoon, and lived life at a slower, quieter, less consumer-minded pace.

Could you, if you live in a hot climate or if it's hot where you are right now, live without air conditioning? Do you already do this in your own homes? If you do it, or if you'd like to, what changes to your way of life have made or would make the transition possible?

This Sunday, we celebrate Father's Day, a chance for some of us to thank our husbands for their role in our children's lives, and for most of us to connect with our living fathers and grandfathers, or to remember those who have already departed this earth.

I think that fatherhood gets short shrift in our culture. In what I think was initially an admirable intention to support women who are raising children alone, we have ended up promoting a social message that fathers aren't needed, that they aren't necessary for children to have. And the culture is listening: 4 in 10 children in the United States are born out-of-wedlock, and face the problems that children in this country can suffer from when they grow up without a father.

But even though statistics consistently show that children do better when they grow up in a stable home with both a mother and a father who are married to each other, we keep pushing the same devastating cultural message: fathers are optional, nice if you have one, but really not needed at all.

The previous generation's notions of feminism are partially responsible for that message. The view that men and women are naturally and constantly in a state of battle with each other, that traditional gender roles implied thankless servitude for a woman but smug autonomy for a man, and that aside from the provision of genetic material there is nothing a man can do for his family that a woman can't do just as well on her own had an effect on the slow dissolution of the American family. As many women learned, some the hard way, a man who is constantly told he isn't necessary is likely to take the message to heart and move on, away from his wife and "her" children.

Of course, men have their share of blame in this, too. The ease with which so many men can and have walked away from their children and their responsibility never ceases to amaze and disgust; we don't have the cultural phenomenon of the "deadbeat dad" for nothing.

With negative cultural forces coming at them from both sides, though, I think it's more necessary than ever to applaud and celebrate those fathers who have dedicated themselves to their families, who love their wives and are involved with their children on a daily basis. We have a tendency to think we can't say things like that--that celebrating fathers who stick around, roll up their shirt sleeves, change some diapers and cook some meals, work for their families' support and set aside selfishness to put their wives and children first is somehow denigrating or scolding fathers who haven't achieved this sort of success. But that hesitance to affirm all the good fathers is just one more thing we do to make it seem like fatherhood isn't all that important; nobody says, on Mother's Day, that we should really tone down the whole celebration because there are bad mothers out there, do they?

The truth is, fathers, as much as mothers, need to hear that they are needed and important, that what they do is appreciated, and that they are making a difference in the lives of their children and families. I plan to spend some time this weekend making sure my husband, father, and father-in-law all hear that from me; I know how vital they all are in our family's life, and it's especially necessary for them to hear that message in a culture that often dismisses their role altogether.

*****

And that will do it for me this round! Thanks again, Rod, for letting me blog here; I always enjoy it tremendously. And thanks to everyone who put up with me while Rod was gone--see you in the comment boxes!

It's wedding season again; quite a few people who read here, statistically speaking, are likely to attend a wedding sometime in the next three or four months. Weddings are often very non-crunchy affairs, but at first glance, this New York Times article seems to signal a refreshing trend toward simplicity and restraint in weddings, particularly among the wealthy:

AS the wedding season gets into full swing, many brides and bridegrooms are taking a decidedly down-home approach. Bring on the grilled steak, sweet potato fries and Rice Krispie treats (not to mention the checkered tablecloths). It's enough to have the most sophisticated bride scrambling for her grandmother's Betty Crocker cookbook.

The trend is most striking in Los Angeles, where the combination of money and show business has traditionally led to weddings as lavishly produced as any period-costume epic. This year, fewer guests will dine under crystal chandeliers or balls made of roses hanging from a gossamer-covered ceiling. Indeed, some Angelenos are taking the homespun ethos a step further, holding their wedding festivities in their own homes, or renting someone else's. [...]

Alas, perception is not quite reality:

While it stands to reason that a backyard supper or a catered affair at home might be cheaper than a hotel soiree, for many it actually costs just as much or more. Casual food is not necessarily a bargain, as restaurant diners from coast to coast can attest. [...]

For Shannon Jones of Los Angeles, the new thinking is indeed a sign of these times. She is having her reception -- an outdoor supper for 200 -- at a 1920s estate in Montecito on July 25. Ms. Jones, 26, and her fiancé, Michael Malik, 31, wanted to have what she called "a big summer backyard dinner," much like the weekend parties that have become common among her peers.

"More people are giving up dinner at Spago for a casual dinner at home with friends," she said.

So she skipped the once-popular pots of caviar and lobster tails, and decided to serve childhood favorites instead: grilled hanger steak marinated in herbs and home-baked peach cobbler. (There will be no wedding cake -- another traditional must-have many brides are skipping.)

Food will be dished up on platters and passed from person to person; bottles of wine will be put out on the tables so guests can serve themselves. The seating, too, will be picnic style -- long tables covered in burlap.

Despite the simple menu and surroundings, though, her wedding will cost more than if she had chosen a hotel. (She declined to say how much, although she described the amount as "sizable.") What she is hoping for, she said, is an experience that, despite months of preparation, seems unfussy and authentic.

When it comes to weddings, I think it's possible to say that we're at the far edge of a period of national insanity on the subject. The average cost of a wedding is currently around $20,000, down from a higher level of $27,490 before the recession got underway.

But is spending even $20,000--more than the annual income of a family of four living at poverty level in the United States--really much of a step in the right direction?

More:

I was talking to my husband about the statistics in the post I wrote earlier, about average household sizes and home sizes in the past. "Our house is almost double the square footage that a house was in 1950," I said, "so why do we always feel so cramped?"

"Easy," he answered. "We have too much stuff."

He's right, of course. We've been fighting the battle of the clutter since our first home together, a tiny apartment about a third of the size of our current home. Even with only two of us, we had more things than we had room for, and now, with our three children, a much larger home seems filled to capacity--not with people, necessarily, but certainly with things.

We try to stay on top of the situation, routinely cleaning out things we're not using and donating the still-usable items to charity. But at the same time, we both have an uneasy awareness that we buy too much, so that these efforts rarely put us ahead of the game. And the process of cleaning out is rarely as efficient as it should be; we tend to tackle the same "clutter magnets" over and over, while ignoring the areas that seem less crowded, even if the things in those areas are also things we neither use nor need.

And when it comes to the decluttering process, I have to face the facts: I am my own worst enemy.

Keep reading:

In the comments the other day to the post on infant sleep, someone mentioned Barbara Ehrenreich's writings in the context of pointing out that even in America not everyone can afford separate bedrooms for each infant or child in the family. Ehrenreich has some timely remarks about the effects the economic downturn is having on the poor:

THE human side of the recession, in the new media genre that's been called "recession porn," is the story of an incremental descent from excess to frugality, from ease to austerity. The super-rich give up their personal jets; the upper middle class cut back on private Pilates classes; the merely middle class forgo vacations and evenings at Applebee's. In some accounts, the recession is even described as the "great leveler," smudging the dizzying levels of inequality that characterized the last couple of decades and squeezing everyone into a single great class, the Nouveau Poor, in which we will all drive tiny fuel-efficient cars and grow tomatoes on our porches.

But the outlook is not so cozy when we look at the effects of the recession on a group generally omitted from all the vivid narratives of downward mobility -- the already poor, the estimated 20 percent to 30 percent of the population who struggle to get by in the best of times. This demographic, the working poor, have already been living in an economic depression of their own. From their point of view "the economy," as a shared condition, is a fiction.

Her three-page New York Times op-ed is well worth the reading; I can't possibly excerpt all the passages I found intriguing, but here's one section that merits discussion:

In Los Angeles, Prof. Peter Dreier, a housing policy expert at Occidental College, says that "people who've lost their jobs, or at least their second jobs, cope by doubling or tripling up in overcrowded apartments, or by paying 50 or 60 or even 70 percent of their incomes in rent." Thelmy Perez, an organizer with Strategic Actions for a Just Economy, is trying to help an elderly couple who could no longer afford the $600 a month rent on their two-bedroom apartment, so they took in six unrelated subtenants and are now facing eviction. According to a community organizer in my own city, Alexandria, Va., the standard apartment in a complex occupied largely by day laborers contains two bedrooms, each housing a family of up to five people, plus an additional person laying claim to the couch.

Overcrowding -- rural, suburban and urban -- renders the mounting numbers of the poor invisible, especially when the perpetrators have no telltale cars to park on the street. But if this is sometimes a crime against zoning laws, it's not exactly a victimless one. At best, it leads to interrupted sleep and long waits for the bathroom; at worst, to explosions of violence. Catholic Charities is reporting a spike in domestic violence in many parts of the country, which Candy Hill attributes to the combination of unemployment and overcrowding.

And doubling up is seldom a stable solution. According to Toni Muhammad, about 70 percent of the people seeking emergency shelter in St. Louis report they had been living with relatives "but the place was too small." When I asked Peg what it was like to share her trailer with her daughter's family, she said bleakly, "I just stay in my bedroom."

Few of us have ever experienced the kind of overcrowding Ehrenreich is talking about here, or at least, if we have, it was a very temporary thing. Some of the families she's discussing in her piece may be living in croweded, cramped quarters with multiple extended family members for the foreseeable future, given the shakiness of the economy and no particular signs that, at least for people already at risk of poverty, things will get better anytime soon.

More, below:

In various discussions on the topic of abortion, the subject of apparent Christian inconsistency, or apathy, on the issue of in vitro fertilization often comes up. If every abortion kills an innocent human being, goes the question, how is it...

Rod is very kindly letting me put up a post or so for the next couple of days; I'm glad, because I really enjoy getting to do this, and am frankly astonished by how fast these past two weeks have...

There are few topics guaranteed to raise more parental ire than discussions about the right way to get a baby to go to sleep; I have a feeling this Time article will be no exception: One topic of continued debate...

The surprising landslide victory of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad over his challengers--and some questions about the vote totals--has led to increasing unrest in Iran: Mr. Moussavi made clear in statements on Saturday that he rejected the results and called on supporters and...

According to a new study, if you attend a Protestant megachurch, chances are that you're young, and that you don't volunteer to help out as much and donate less money than other churchgoers: Despite their reputation as symbols of baby...

Some of Barack Obama's gay supporters are beginning to feel a bit disillusioned by the president. First, there was the dismissal of the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" lawsuit, and the administration's perceived failure to use the opportunity to come out...

Okay, I'm posting this for no other reason than that I think it's cool: June 11, 2009 -- "Star Trek" makes faster-than-light travel look easy, but according to new calculations by Italian physicists, a warp drive could easily create a...

The debate over President Obama's health care plan continues to grow, and it looks like the government plan provision will be the point of greatest contention: The impasse is rooted in ideological divisions that doomed former President Bill Clinton's health...

An opinion piece by New York librarian and professor Emily Walshe has me nodding in complete agreement: A common criticism of such social-networking sites is that they cheapen friendship. But they're doing more than reducing its value: They're creating a...

Writing an op-ed in the New York Times, Paul Krugman mentions the internal report by the Department of Homeland Security on domestic terrorism, which was not well-received at the time. But things are different now, according to Krugman: But with...

I haven't been following the news as closely today as I usually do, for the excellent reason that today is my youngest daughter's birthday, and we've all been celebrating with her. She enjoyed a visit from her closest-in-age cousins this...

As today's presidential election in Iran unfolds, turnout is high, and an office of the challenger has been attacked: TEHRAN, Iran (AP) -- A campaign organizer for the main election challenger to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says about a dozen...

If you've been following the news about the continued demand for the release of photos of terrorist detainees, you already know that Congress was attempting to add a provision to a war funding bill that would keep the photos from...

Do you remember this post of Rod's back in March, about how the Connecticut legislature proposed a bill that would remove power from Catholic priests and bishops and mandate that parishes be run by lay people? That bill was defeated,...

I've managed to ignore, for the most part, the David Letterman vs. Sarah Palin smackfest in which Letterman (unwittingly, he says) made Palin's fourteen-year-old daughter the subject of a sex-related joke, and Palin fought back by inviting him to go...

Writing in the New York Times on the subject of abortion, here's Ross Douthat: The argument for unregulated abortion rests on the idea that where there are exceptions, there cannot be a rule. Because rape and incest can lead to...

Is a partnership between Catholic hospitals in New England and a secular health care company going to result in cooperation by the Catholic hospitals in abortion? Some say it will: Further information about the Celticare medical program created in a...

Did President Obama's stimulus plan really create jobs? Peter Roff says no: During the debate over the stimulus package, President Barack Obama and the Democrats in Congress promised all the money would be put to work funding "shovel-ready" projects--that is...

So what, exactly, should the Republicans do? They're without a clear leader, a clear message, or a clear mission (aside from "win elections," which is pretty hard without the other components) and it doesn't look, from the article I quoted...

President Obama's health care plans may have hit a little snag: turns out that doctors don't like a key provision: WASHINGTON -- As the health care debate heats up, the American Medical Association is letting Congress know that it will...

It may have taken a little while; certainly no one expected it to take Republicans this long into the Obama administration to discover what it is they most oppose. Unfortunately, no one expected it to be themselves: Nearly half (47...

A man in his late 80s has shot and killed a guard at the Holocaust Museum: WASHINGTON (AP) -- An elderly gunman, said by authorities to have a violent and virulently anti-Semitic past, stepped inside the crowded U.S. Holocaust Memorial...

In my post earlier today, I quoted LeRoy Carhart about certain abortion protests being a hate crime, and I asked what prominent pro-life African Americans would say. In the comments thread, the Washington Times' Julia Duin points me to her...

Since Rod's been posting so much this morning, I've been hanging back and reading like everybody else. But I can't help but share this one: As ergonomics specialists know, using a computer can be a real pain -- in the...

The family of George Tiller announced yesterday that his abortion clinic would remain closed: The clinic of Dr. George R. Tiller, in Wichita, had been one of a few in the country to provide abortions to women late in their...

So a video game company makes a game and wants to market it. What to do, what to do...oh, hey, how about we hire a bunch of fake Christian protesters to campaign against the game and create interest? Sounds like...

Rod's post below about the Baptist preacher's experience of Orthodoxy, and the interesting discussion which follows it, have got me thinking a bit about prayer, worship, and man's need to encounter God. Every religion worthy of the name has had...

We talked here the other day about President Obama' speech in Cairo; most of us saw it as a positive thing for the most part, and certainly the wish for peace in the Middle East is shared by everyone here....

The phrase "unelected judges" has been used for a while as a pejorative on the right; it's supposed to imply powerful people with little accountability who reshape law according to their own shadowy agendas, and while it has some basis...

In a scene reminiscent of one that happened during Pope Benedict XVI's visit to the United States, the pope was reported to be "visibly upset" over the abuse of Irish children recently revealed in the Ryan report: Pope Benedict was...

If you've been following the terribly sad story out of Oregon about the woman who befriended and then killed a pregnant woman in her attempts to continue her lie that she was expecting a baby herself, you may find this...

In my earlier post about Kevin Jennings, the founder and former director of GLSEN who has been appointed by President Obama to serve as the assistant deputy secretary of the Office of Safe and Drug-Free Schools inside the Department of...

The New York Times has been running a series called "Happy Days," in which various writers write about what is really important, what really matters, in troubled times. I liked this latest offering by Pico Iyer: So -- as post-1960s...

Should we be shocked that North Korea is jailing two U.S. journalists? Time's Bill Powell says that it's business as usual for the regime: The nightmare that began on March 17 for the two American journalists kidnapped by the North...

This just in: the Supreme Court has turned down a challenge to the military's "don't ask, don't tell" policy: WASHINGTON (AP) -- The Supreme Court on Monday turned down a challenge to the Pentagon policy forbidding gays and lesbians from...

Now that President Obama is back from his latest foreign travels, we can be pretty sure that health care is fairly high up on his agenda. The latest White House meme on the health care situation seems to be this...

The right-leaning side of the blogosphere is buzzing about an Obama appointee--and it's not Sonia Sotomayor. From the Washington Times: The Obama administration has made several efforts in recent weeks to accommodate gay Americans by making little-noticed appointments, announcements and...

It's one of those questions that comes up during every major election: how far can a pastor, church group, religious organization, or other non-profit go in discussing general moral issues without crossing the line into the kind of political speech...

This might be interesting to watch: WASHINGTON (AP) -- Opponents of Chrysler's sale to Fiat are asking the Supreme Court to block the deal. Three Indiana state pension and construction funds filed emergency papers at the high court early Sunday...

At his UK Telegraph blog Damian Thompson reports on the existence of a truly admirable Catholic university: You probably haven't heard of the Ukrainian Catholic University - but I suspect that is going to change. For this wonderful institution offers...

You don't have to be an Episcopalian to have an openly gay bishop anymore: A female Lutheran pastor who is in a registered partnership with another woman was elected May 26 to be the next bishop of the Diocese of...

The Boston Globe's religion writer, Michael Paulson, went to see a couple of movies; one of them was The Soloist, the film that tells the true story of Nathaniel Ayers, a musician suffering from schizophrenia who drops out of Julliard...

Sixty-five years ago today, brave soldiers from different countries joined together in a courageous effort to land on the shores of the Normandy coast of German-occupied France; what D-day cost in lives and sacrifice is hard to fathom, but what...

The Justice Department will be investigating George Tiller's murder: The department will investigate possible federal crimes in connection with Dr. Tiller's slaying at his church on Sunday in Wichita, Kan. State prosecutors have already ruled out seeking the death penalty...

Despite efforts to encourage the use of smaller cars, Americans still seem to like their larger ones: President Barack Obama's White House has unveiled new fuel-efficiency rules that will push auto companies into making more small cars and General Motors...

An interesting article in Time covers Budwiser's new Internet-only ad, which features a man buying some Bud light--and a porn magazine. The shopping experience unravels into cringing humility followed by national attention as the protagonist of the ad first meets...

Somehow, I don't think that this is the right message to be sending in church: LOUISVILLE, Ky. (AP) -- A Kentucky pastor is inviting his flock to bring guns to church to celebrate the Fourth of July and the Second...

Just about every person in America would agree with the statement: child abuse is a terrible crime, and we should do whatever we can to prevent it, or to stop it. But Americans often disagree on the details of how...

It started out of necessity: some churches, feeling the pinch in tight economic times, had to forgo their usual church buildings, sell property or give up leases, and start meeting in private homes. But what began out of economic need...

The votes are trending in favor of my posting this interesting story (and a big thanks, again, to Geoff G. for sending it along), so here it is. In Washington state, a new law will extend the rights and benefits...

I'm having a bit of a conundrum. It has to do with something I'd like to post; rather than make an arbitrary decision I thought I'd open up the question, and have people vote on it. Geoff G., a regular...

As we approach the D-Day 65th anniversary celebrations, I wonder whether anybody's still talking about this? The casus belli in the latest cross-Channel spat is the slight dealt by the French government to Queen Elizabeth II in failing to invite...

I just finished reading the text of the speech President Obama gave in Cairo today. Overall impression: a good speech, sensitively written with his audience in mind. Only negative impression: when Obama begins listing the specific issues, all of which...

Catholic Charities in England is facing a situation that seems pretty familiar, on this side of the pond: Catholic charities who discriminate against homosexual couples who want to adopt children are breaking the law, the Charity Tribunal has ruled. The...

Well, New Hampshire's got gay marriage now, and look who's celebrating: The Rt. Rev. V. Gene Robinson, elected in New Hampshire in 2003 as the first openly gay bishop in the Episcopal Church, was among those celebrating the new law....

Attachment parenting. Involved parenting. Child-centered parenting. Is it time to call it all quits? Lisa Belkin at the NY Times has some thoughts: But whatever you call it, and however it began, its days may be numbered. It seems as...

Amy Welborn is visiting New York City, and she has stumbled across a strange temple to an interesting local religion, which you can see by clicking here. Who can contemplate what holy wars have been fought in corporate offices, in...

By his own words James Kirchick isn't really fond of the religious right. He's not necessarily the first person I'd think of as defending the religious right against the charge that they're collectively responsible for the Tiller murder, which makes...

So says President Obama in an interview with French media on the eve of his Middle East visit, according to this, by the UK Telegraph's US Editor Toby Harnden: As ABC's Jake Tapper and Sunlen Miller astutely outline here, the...

In the thread about Tiller's church, a commenter wrote: Erin, please consider opening a new discussion thread on this topic: Back in the Seventies and Eighties, lots of people from an evangelical background, their faith much enriched by the writings...

When Rod wrote yesterday about the lecture he'd attended by cosmologist John Barrow and the idea that in science, as well as in religion and other aspects of human life, the simple and the complex are in conflict with each...

A couple of you have had the "Comment Held" message when you try to post; regulars here know that it's not usually that you've written anything that crossed any sort of line, but the automated spam filter picking up on...

That last was, of course, facetious. I know there's one major story today on which we can all agree: the loss of the Air France flight early yesterday was a tragedy. As news continues to break of the possibility that...

I've set a task for myself, here, this week. Some say it can't be done, but I believe it can: I want to post at least one thing that the left and the right can agree on, and come together...

Frank Schaeffer thinks that people who speak strongly against abortion do share some of the blame for Tiller's murder: My late father and I share part of the blame for the murder of Dr. George Tiller, the abortion doctor gunned...

Katie Couric gave the Class Day address at Princeton yesterday; encouraged, as she says herself, to be "saucy and sassy" she had many jokes sprinkled liberally (oh, c'mon, of course the pun is intended) throughout the address, including these howlers:...

Does the future of the GOP belong to those who call themselves moderates? Two of the Republican Party's current moderates, Susan Collins and Olympia Snow, think that it does: The Senate once was a comfortable home for GOP centrists, with...

When news of George Tiller's murder made its way across the blogs yesterday, some conservatives asked this question: if a member of the Islamic faith shot and killed somebody in an isolated incident (e.g., not part of a terrorist act...

Lots of news and talk today about the GM bankruptcy plan: Declaring the government "a reluctant shareholder," President Obama said Monday that pushing General Motors Corp. into bankruptcy was a strategy designed to create a more viable company, rather than...

Douglas LeBlanc over at Get Religion is keeping an eye on media coverage of the Tiller murder so far: The murder of a physician who performs abortions has become a bewildering ritual of individual desperation, occurring four times since 1993....

Before Rod left last week, he wrote this post about empathy. After reading many of the comments under that post, I'm struck by the idea that some people think that it's simply impossible for a white male to be discriminated...

In our discussions so far of the murder of George Tiller, some have mentioned that, after all, he wasn't ending the lives of perfectly healthy babies aged 21 weeks of gestation and beyond. He was specializing in ending the lives...

The annoying technical issue that kept me from taking over for Rod on schedule has finally been resolved. It turned out to be something terribly simple that, if I'd poked around long enough behind the scenes, I might have been...