This is genius. This thing was actually posted in the bulletin? The britney spears one is my favorite.

Heh. Thanks, anon. Yes, it was published in our parish bulletin at Our Lady Queen of Martyrs in the summer of 2004. After I saw the piece at Happy Catholic, I remembered it and dug through my files and decided to share it here. Glad you liked it! Blessings,Dcn. G.

I simply love the one about the cell phones. I know it is not right to have thoughts of toss a missla at someones head when they are fumbling for a phone that should have been turned off, especially after the cantor has instructed them to do so.

Great job Deacon!Now we need one of these to address silence in Church (like in pre and post-Mass chatter, and sometimes mid-Mass social around the sign of peace, which I’m proud to say we skip at my parish). I tried my hand at it, but perhaps you can find a better (and more comical way).

These are awesome. I’m going to put a link to these on my site.

This is funny. Can you write about the “overdressed” at Church? You know, the women (and sometimes men) who wear clothes so sparkly that it brings back horrible memories of disco balls and Saturday Night Fever?Also, can you address those who have freakish body piercings? Really, Christ endured the nails, so they wouldn’t have to and true stigmata is never self induced.

I love this! So true! But could I mention a bit of rudeness from the other side of the fence: Masses that don’t start on time.My otherwise fine parish (well, the music is pretty awful, but that’s largely the case everywhere) is just terrible this way, and it drives me up the wall. We in the pews manage to get there on time week after week (well, most of us do), so it shouldn’t be so hard for the people who are, you know, already in the building to start Mass on time!Sorry — I obviously have some unresolved annoyance here!

Thank you, Deacon Greg. Between beating my breast in contrition (yes, I will check my alarm), I enjoyed this thoroughly. I don’t know how to use trackback, so you’re welcome to check out my excerpt on Exultet.

I recently attended a wedding at a Baptist church (not that the denomination matters). Just as the bride and groom were lighting their candles, which would then be joined to the “unity” candle to make one flame, the cell phone of the woman in front of me rang. She looked around, sheepisly. She dug for her purse. She looked sheepishly again. Then, she proceeded to open the phone, answer, and explain to whomever was on the other end that she was in church, at a wedding. I could no believe my ears or ears! At the reception, I asked the pastor if he dealt with this kind of thing often. He assured me he did and then proceeded to tell me about an intern pastor serving in his church. During THE SERVICE, from the ALTAR, the intern received a phone call. AND HE ANSWERED IT.I’m pretty sure the 11th Commandment was, “Thou shalt not be really, really stupid in church.”

I recently attended a formal wedding. Just as the bride and groom were lighting the unity candle, the cell phone of the woman in the pew in front of me rang. She looked around sheepishly, dug for her purse, open the phone and BEGAN TO SPEAK! I couldn’t believe my eyes or ears.Later,at the reception, I asked the pastor if he dealt with this type of thing often these days. He assured me that he did. He also told me of an intern pastor whose cell phone rang WHILE HE WAS CONDUCTING A SERVICE, and the poor man actually ANSWERED IT. The church declined to call that intern for a permanent post.

Thanks Dcn. Greg. I’m glad your reposted this; missed it the first time. It’s great!I thought I had seen it all until last month. Ten minutes into the mass (at a Benedectine Monastery), a girl walked in with her dog, and took the front pew. This was during the start of the homily. Before no time at all, “Little Sparky” took it upon himself to check out the altar. Imagine, a dog on the altar! I didn’t know if it was a bad joke, an anti-Catholic who put her dog to do his business on the altar, or a mentally challanged person. Needless to say, it didn’t go ever too well. I’ve been there at mass through earthquakes and the priests wouldn’t think of stopping, but for the dog, the mass was actually stopped (but only long enough to throw out the girl and the dog). That even tops the girl who jogged into the church in her gym clothes with her dumbells, continuing her workout in the confessional line.On a more hopeful note, I’ve experienced more priest warn against leaving early. This last Good Friday, BEFORE communion, the priest announced “anyone who plans to leave early, please do so NOW as to not to insult Jesus even worse when he is on the altar. It was amazing, no one left! You know, 40 years later, those “mean nuns” don’t look so bad!

What about Prists that start late to minimminse the number of people coming in during the mass? i.e. are assuming parisoners are still going to be coming at the correct time so won’t end up getting later and later esp. with student masses