The Denver Catholic Register interviewed them:
Western Slope parishioners Mike and Toni (not their real names) have been married for a decade and have several children. Mike works outside the home while Toni is a homemaker. After beginning marriage preparation classes the two quit cohabitating and began to live as brother and sister until their wedding day. They agreed to share their story with the Denver Catholic Register so as to encourage other couples to see the benefits of waiting until matrimony to live together.
DCR: How did you end up cohabitating?
Toni: We'd known each other for almost four years before we got married. We met while living on the East Coast and began dating. Then Mike came out to Colorado for a job and for awhile we maintained a long-distance relationship. Eventually we decided that I should come out and join him and we'd live together. The main reasons were emotional and financial; we were crazy for each other, we wanted to be together and it was easier to maintain one residence instead of two.
DCR: How and when did you come to the decision stop cohabitating?
Toni: It was when we began the marriage (prep) and NFP (natural family planning) classes that we started to talk about it. I have to say at the time I wasn't a very well-formed Catholic. To me it was perfectly normal to live with your boyfriend and use birth control, but upon reflection the act was totally desensitizing. And the fact is that for a woman to use birth control (oral contraceptives commonly called "the pill") is not good for her health. Mike: I'd call it a conversion experience. When the marriage preparation classes started, we weren't pounced upon with the idea of not cohabitating. It was one of the topics covered in the class, along with NFP and communication skills. But what made the impression for us was the testimony of a married couple, our mentors in the class, and their journey about discovering the sacredness of the sacrament of matrimony. That got us thinking. We felt encouraged to live apart and abstain from conjugal relations until marriage. No one judged us for choosing the path we did. It was simply encouragement and support--very positive.
DCR: So is it fair to say that upon hearing this testimony, you came to this decision together about no longer cohabitating and neither one of you needed more convincing?
Mike: No, we were both in agreement after beginning the class.
Toni: We knew this was what we wanted to do.
DCR: And once the decision was made was it difficult to put into practice?
Toni: Yes and no. I suppose it would have been even easier if we had maintained separate residences but neither of us had family here so we decided to live under the same roof but in separate bedrooms. We looked at it as a challenge. Of course it was difficult, but at the same time it made sense.Check out the rest to learn how they did it -- and what they got out of the experience.
Mike: It was a major decision, but we were heading to the sacrament of matrimony; here was our goal and we knew it was going to be a challenge, but not insurmountable. What we were doing wasn't forever; it was achievable.
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@Deacon Greg
Your response echoed the point I was trying to make when you said the Church is not favoring one over the other. My point was precisely that "spiritual matters" should dominate quite significantly.
One is certainly the lesser of the two. For example, compare the life of the immortal soul with the tiny moment in time in which biology plays a role.
This is not to say that our physical existence is to be disregarded or tossed aside or desecrated. Not at all. Rather I was pointing out the relative importance of the transcendent over the mundane.
While it is true that our choices on sexual matters affect the deepest part of who we are, I would rather approach it from the view that our understanding of the deepest part of who we are affects how we view sexual matters. Horse before the cart.
From an outsiders view, my wife and I (30yrs) would probably be seen as having completed the "instruction"and having received a very high grade. But we did not come to our views and actions from "instruction" but rather from first working on the spiritual nature of who we are and what that meant for our relationship.
So that which I am suggesting is perhaps more subtle than I was able to communicate. My suggestion was that unless we deliver spiritual formation at the highest level, all else will be a distraction and perhaps will impede that which is most important.
@Bob,
Sorry for the confusion. I have a great love for the wealth of material on the spiritual, on mysticism, on living the gospel life. So I am not discounting that aspect, rather I am raising it up in importance.
As a practical matter, however, often there is the appearance of too great of an emphasis on sexuality. Perhaps you are right that this is something unique to those in the parish around me, but I think that is probably not the case.
I do not want to say this is unique to Catholicism. Evangelicals also do their best to present an image of Christianity being overly focused on sexual morality. And, as someone mentioned, in a culture obsessed with the body this is where the focus, the debate, will tend to go.
My point was simply that the greatest good for the Church and the society was to lead with our strength, which is discussion and teaching about the nature of the transcendent, the soul, and to put increased effort into spiritual formation instruction and less on the in's and out's of biology.
Once the spiritual formation falls into place, the rest follows. If spiritual formation does not take place, the rest will never quite line up and our voices will never be convincing.
@Bob re the reading list.
Not sure what you had in mind.
My recent reading has encompassed the Franciscans -- Bonaventure, Duns Scotus, Delio, Rohr. Particularly like The Souls Journey to God by Bonaventure, The Humility of God by Delio, and Hidden Things by Rohr.
And Merton. Particularly enjoyed The Gethsemane Encounter, a follow up to his work.
And most recently have been reading Sixteen Documents from Vatican II. Wonderful collection.
And John Paul II's Encyclical Faith and Reason, which I admire greatly.
Just started The Fulfillment of All Desire by Ralph Martin.
You may have other good suggestions.
Greg,
I don't think we're too far off the same page. Perhaps even in the same book and chapter. I'm reminded of St. Augustine of Hippo's words: "Love God, then do what you will." If I love God, of course, my will will be His will. The trouble with our present age, however, is that many have equated their will with God's will. So few have confidence in revelation. We live in the "If it feels good to me, it is good" generation. There are so many factors that have brought us to this point.
Your reading list has some good stuff on it, though I don't know Delio and I've rather lost trust in Rohr. We were arrested together in Washington, DC back in 1983 (I think) at the first Peace Pentecost demonstration sponsored by Jim Wallis and the Sojourner community, protesting the arms race. We had a chance to talk while in a holding cell. I think he's gone too far with the enneagram stuff - too New Age for my taste.
What I had in mind was not so much a reading list, on spirituality or otherwise, but resources that give a Catholic perspective on the daily life and concerns of the Church, rather than a secular media perspective, which focuses almost entirely on sex and politics. My fav is the National Catholic Register, a weekly newspaper. It's not very erudite, which is rather the point. It speaks to the Catholic in the pew, with news, reflections on Church teachings, spirituality, etc... It's a worthwhile investment.
We probably are very close in our thinking.
I don't know Richard Rohr as well as you do -- we shared some thoughts before he wrote the cover blurb for my new book -- but my educated guess is that the enneagram has faded. His recent work, Hidden Things is excellent and is untouched by such new age.
Another Franciscan priest was my first intro to the enneagram -- my response was such that he does not mention it anymore. My remark to him was rather than speak of the holistic why don't we speak of the holy. He lit up with understanding and ideas and language such as holistic and enneagram have faded, thankfully, into the past.
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