Doing Life Together

I’d love to hear from you on this question!

According to a survey conducted by Northwestern researchers, most parents answered, YES!

Despite the number of hours spent with TV, tablets, cell phones, computers and other devices, only 30% of the 2326 parents surveyed were concerned that their young children consumed too much media. Yes,parents acknowledged that all these screens are not good for physical activity, but most didn’t see screen use as a source of conflict in the home and are OK with overages.

Also TV remains a popular way to divert or reward kids.

Could it be that the reason the concern is not there is that parents are also heavy users? Parents do have control over very young kids and in many cases, TVs are in the kid’s bedrooms along with other screen devices.  

The American Academy of Pediatrics says this is a NO NO and strongly recommends screen time be zero for children 2 and under and only 2 hours a day for older kids.

It doesn’t appear that every family is following that advice. Some think the AAP is out of touch with reality, but the organization is basing its recommendations on evidenced-based practices. So parents, decide for yourself if you want to get those kids off screens and more active.

Maybe the answer is that the entire family needs to rethink how they use screens.

Maybe we all need to be more active.

Maybe we just won’t care and will continue to be heavy media consumers.

Your thoughts?

Do you like to roller skating?

How about hiking?

Maybe consider taking cooking classes or release that inner artist by painting.

You could be on to something and discovering one of the secrets to keeping love alive.

When couples try new things together, it helps prevent relationship boredom and complaining. In fact, new experiences tap into the brain’s reward system, flooding it with powerful chemicals that boost pleasure and bonding.

Novelty is good for relationships and makes people happy.

But that novelty needs to be SHARED by you as a couple in order to get this relationship benefit.

So here is what I suggest. Think about what your partner likes to do. Could you be a part of that? For example, my husband was an avid soccer playing and fan. I was not, but when we married, I figured I should get into the sport and share his passion. Going to see professional soccer and watching our campus team are fun and  activities we can share together. I, on the other hand, being raised in the north, loved to snow ski. My husband, raised in the tropics, had no clue. But he strapped on a pair of skis and gave it the college try. And while he wasn’t skiing the black diamond runs, I gave him lots of praise for joining me in an activity that I really loved. And that is another important point–give your partner praise for joining in and trying your interest or passion.

So think about each others passions and give the interests a try. The novelty will bring you closer together. Maybe there is something you both want to do that you have never tried. That too would get the brain chemicals flowing in a positive direction.

Want to keep love alive? Do something new together and explore your interests!

Brian isn’t doing too well with his parents’ divorce. Lately he’s showing more aggressive behavior. His divorced parents, Sam and Sue, are concerned about his behavior and seek help. The therapist tells them that their unresolved conflict is causing Brian problems. They have difficulty talking about their son without blaming and fighting each other. They can’t parent because they are too busy demolishing one another’s character.

Divorce didn’t solve their conflicts and Brian is still caught in the crossfire of two people who haven’t learned be civil to one another despite their differences. Brian’s behavior is a response to their constant fighting.

Most of you are concerned about the effects of divorce, separation and remarriage on the adjustment of your children. You want to do whatever possible to help them adjust. You already feel guilty about putting children through the ordeal of divorce.

A good place to start is to reduce the conflict between you and your ex-spouse. I know you are thinking, “ If I could do this, I wouldn’t be divorced!” Possibly, but you still have to work on it for the sake of your kids.

So how do you work on conflict reduction with a difficult parent partner?

1) Both agree that your unresolved feelings for each other must get resolved. If this means you need to see someone in therapy, do it. Your child’s adjustment is at stake.

The surprise for many couples is that divorce didn’t make all those negative feelings go away. The feelings stayed. You just left. Conflict between you and your ex must be resolved because it affects your ability to parent. It is very difficult to make rational decisions concerning your child when you feel negatively towards your ex-spouse. It is no secret that parents unconsciously fight with each other through their kids despite knowing they shouldn’t do this.

My suggestion: Work in therapy with a marital therapist who will help you exercise grace and forgiveness towards your ex. It’s time to bury the multiple hatchets. It doesn’t matter how wrong you’ve been treated. God tells us to forgive and let go. He forgives you when you don’t deserve it. Now do the same with your ex.

2) Remind yourself that no matter how you feel about your ex, he/she is your child’s parent. That fact doesn’t change. Help your child see you can have positive exchanges around parenting issues.  It will help build positive feelings in the child as well.

3) Always keep in mind that you are doing this to please God and help your children. Your walk with the Lord is of utmost importance. If you hold on to old stuff, you’ll create roadblocks in your intimate relationship with God and others.

4) Humility is often needed. Putting your needs aside for the sake of your children may require sacrifice. With God’s help, you can do it.

June 14  is Flag day–not a day most people think to remember, but I do. It was the day we buried my oldest brother who was killed by a bomb on an airplane. He was an army officer and father of a two-year-old and a baby on the way. It was a sad season in the life of our family. And not having your dad is a tough thing.

So I want to honor the importance of dads, especially on the eve of this Father’s Day weekend.

Dads are more than second adults who grace our homes. Dads bring benefits to children and families and serve important roles. Despite the mockery of dads in sit coms and the movies, dads are vital to the healthy development of kids.

Here are 10 reasons dads are important:

1) Fathers who have good relationships with mothers spend more time with their kids and bring psychological and emotional health to their children.

2) Fathers tend to push achievement and intellectual development in their children and greatly influence academic success. They have children who get As in school more often and are less likely to repeat grades.

3) Fathers promote independence, moms tend to be more protective and nurturing.

4) Fathers play differently with their children than moms. They stimulate more one-on-one play with their babies and toddlers and help them deal with their aggressive impulses and lessen the frustration of toddlers which spills over to the adolescent years.

5) Involved fathers have children who are more social and popular according to studies (Pruett, K. 2000).

6) Involved fathers have children who are socially better connected with their peers.

7) Involved fathers provide emotional security to children.

8) Fathers who treat mothers with respect, raise boys who respect women and girls who are respected, making them less likely to be involved in violent relationships

9) Fathers who resolve conflict with mothers model this skill for their children.

10) Involved fathers provide an all important spiritual leadership role that models faith in action.

This Sunday, find a way to honor your father!

Happy Father’s Day to my 92-year-old father who was, and still is the best! And to my husband, the father of my children, you are so important to our family. Thank you for all you do.