Doing Life Together

I was at Costco grabbing a slice of pizza and watched a mom, her older son, middle daughter and younger son get lunch. They looked like they were having a great time. The mom was about to go and get food for everyone and wanted the three kids to sit at the table and wait until she ordered and brought back the food. She looked at the kids and pointed to where she would be, noting they could see her. She was calm, firm and structured. The kids were very attentive and appeared to be quite obedient.

The oldest got all excited, raised his hand and asked, “Mom can I be in charge while you get the food?” The mom hesitated, looked uncomfortable and finally said, “No, your sister is more responsible.”

I cringed. You could see the hurt on the older boy’s face. He stared at the floor and looked like he could cry. “Inadequate” was written all over his face and my heart sunk. I hurt for him. I know the mom was trying to do the right thing but she missed an important moment to empower her son and give him responsibility.

A better approach would have been to respond to her son’s request with this, “OK what do you have to do to be in charge? Can you do that? Great, let’s give it a try since you are the oldest.” This would have empowered the boy and given him an opportunity to win his mom’s trust.

I know as a parent I don’t always respond the best way. After the fact, it is easier to see better ways to handle situations. But sometimes it is the small interactions with our kids that can leave big imprints.

Today, I am at the E-Women conference in Lynchburg, Virginia. The event is sold out and Sarah Palin is headlining the conference. The women are here, ready to be inspired. As a marriage and family therapist, I love to talk about relationships and how to strengthen them and move them forward. My talk is entitled, Making Relationships Work.

One of the most important points to make your relationship work is to get off of the idea of changing the other person. Now I know most of us know this intuitively but we still try to change the other person. Why? Because it would make life easier if the other person got his or her act together.

The truth is you can’t change the other person, but you can change your reaction to the other person—and that does change the relationships. So this is where the hope lies.

Look at any negative pattern you have with another person. Then decide to behave differently when that patterns emerges. For example, you try to confront a problem, he walks away. You go after him and he still doesn’t engage. Next time, don’t go after him. Instead, say, “When you are ready to talk, let me know.” You have changed your step in the couple dance. And that change may change the pattern.

The nugget here is that when you change your behavior, and the relationship changes.

To understand more on this topic, my books I Married You, Not Your Family and I Love My Mother But… explain this in more detail.

Did you catch the story on Good Morning America? A public school speech pathologist began blogging about the school lunches in her Chicago area elementary school. She took snapshots of the daily offerings, concerned about the type of lunches the students were receiving. 90% of the students in her school qualify for free or reduced price lunches.

Sarah Wu, the anonymous blogger who finally revealed herself, forgot to pack a lunch one day and found herself in the lunch room at the mercy of the cafeteria food. She was so disgusted that she began a secret blog called Fed Up With Lunch that took off. Surrounded daily by tater tots, chicken nuggets, beef patties and other highly processed, salt and starch offerings, she decided to let people know what the kids were experiencing.

In my book, Raising Healthy Kids in an unhealthy world, I have an entire chapter dedicated to the role schools can play to combat childhood obesity. Practical steps like revamping the meals, bringing back PE and recess and assigning less homework because more is accomplished during classroom time, are just a few suggestions.

Sarah’s blog was a brilliant way to bring attention to a need to redo public school lunches in most school cafeterias. As Mrs. Obama brings awareness to the epidemic of childhood obesity, schools are on the front line to make a difference. For some kids, breakfast and lunch provide two thirds of their nutritional day.

Sarah has revealed herself, trusting she will keep her day job. I hope so Sarah. Thanks for being on the side of the kids, for making us aware of the need to keep pushing better nutrition in public places. And thanks for showing us the power of one–you made a difference!

The new TV drama that was promoted this Fall–The Playboy Club was cancelled this week by NBC. The Parents Television Council (PTC) called for a boycott and urged sponsors to pull out of the show.

According to the Hollywood Reporter, “Seven advertisers exited the series in the series’ second week after PTC president deemed the show a ‘commercial disaster’ and called for the network to cancel the ‘degrading and sexualizing program immediately.’” Even long-time feminist, Gloria Steinem called for a boycott. And an NBC affiliate in Salt Lake City refused to air the show.

Basically, there were no ratings. So you add the lack of audience, with controversy and boycotting, and you have a recipe for failure.

I am glad the audience didn’t tune in and that the PTC put pressure on the network.

Playboy is offensive to women and we don’t need another vehicle objectifying us–we already have music videos for that!