Doing Life Together

As I hear  people talk about how stressed they feel, I am concerned that we don’t over do it and collapse into a state of mess after all the celebration is over.

Our reasons for stress are legitimate. There are family get togethers, cooking and baking, decorating, meal planning, parties, gifts to buy, financial strain and more. The pace of life picks up.

So take a few moments de-stress with these three tips:

1)   Be realistic about what you can do. Don’t run around like a chicken with your head cut off. Slow down, evaluate your time and only take on what you can truly handle. Consider your situation. If you are financially strapped, cut back. If your health isn’t good, say NO to activities and get rest. If you recently divorced or lost a loved one, give yourself alone time to grieve.

2)   Try to maintain a routine. If you exercise, keep going to the gym. Or take those few moments and walk the dog everyday. Eat at regular times and get enough rest. Your physical care will go a long way to combating stress.

3)   When it comes to family, stay away from conflict. The busyness of the season often leaves us more raw in our emotions and we are more susceptible to irritation and agitation. So I recommend you practice a little peace on earth and table the family issues for another time.

4) Slow down.  If you feel your heart racing and your mind in overdrive, take a break. Get a cup of hot tea and relax with a magazine or book, take a walk and clear your head, get a massage, sit in a hot tub and soak for 20 minutes–just stop and regroup.

5) If there is too much to do, don’t do it.  Drop out of parties if there are too many. Don’t send Christmas cards this year if you can’t work it in. Buy  your dessert instead of making it. Pick one or two things that could be dropped and do it. The world as you know it will not fall apart.

Now enjoy the rest of the holiday. Deep breath! Relax!

It’s that time of year again when most of us consider the trek home to join the family fun. For many, it’s a trip into dysfunction, raising anxiety levels. Family get-togethers can create holiday angst–a gift worth not giving!

Most of my therapy discussion this time of year centers on helping people prepare for family get-togethers. My first piece of advice is this: do not idealize family relations. Unless you’ve all been in intensive therapy for a while, the family dance is not that different from years passed. Grandpa will still drink too much. Aunt Mary will be critical of the turkey. And Uncle Bob will be as obnoxious as ever. If you approach your family problems realistically, you can better prepare your reactions.

Here are tips to prepare for holiday family encounters:

1) Focus on your reaction. It is the only thing you can control. If you want change then don’t react the same way. For example, if Uncle Jim corners you ever year and lambastes you for your political views and you respond with anger that leads to a fight, try a new response like this, “Uncle Jim, I can see you feel strongly about your views. That’s great!” Don’t argue. Drop it and diffuse him.

2) Ahead of the visit, identify the family patterns that usually cause you stress. Think of new ways to react to those patterns. For example, mom complains about your sister to you. Instead of talking with her about your sister like you usually do, say, “Mom you need to talk to my sister about this. I don’t want to be in the middle.” Keep redirecting her back to your sister no matter how enticing she makes the conversation. Get out of the middle of conflict. This is called being in a family triangle. You don’t want to be there!

3) Set limits if there are serious family problems. For example, if there is a history of abuse, be clear about boundaries. Or if drinking gets out of hand, leave. You are not a child anymore. You can set appropriate boundaries. If they are crossed, confront the behavior and if necessary leave.

4) Stay near by and not in your parents’ house. This is a strategy that has worked for many of my clients. You have more control when you can come and go. And you have time away to regroup and think about what is happening.

5) Be a model of grace and forgiveness. If you are a Christian, you may have to extend both several times during a visit. This doesn’t mean you allow people to walk all over you. It means when people treat you poorly, address it, extend grace and forgive. Don’t wait for them to do so first.

6) Finally, choose one thing you will do differently this year that will help make things better. Don’t try to change everything at once. Focus on one behavior. Small changes add up through the years.

Yesterday I was asked to do a TV interview on Tim Tebow. This time the focus was positive. Tebow is very polarizing. People either love or hate him (see my blog on 10 reasons for Tim Tebow Hate).

One of the questions asked was how does Tebow’s faith affect his performance and his team? My answer was that his faith permeates everything he does. Because his faith is real, it is a part of him that doesn’t get sidelined when he steps on the football field. His love for God isn’t an add on. When you live a life serving others, allow God to give you a heart of compassion and truly believe that nothing is impossible, it shows in every aspect of your life. The impact of his faith is that it brings out the best in him and those around him.It raises people up.

Think about it. When ego is not the driving force, the end result is to encourage and empower those around you. And the mark of a true leader is to influence, but to do so with humility.  So far, this is the Tebow we see and why we love him so much. This type of leadership, in which football in only a game, and character rules the day, is sorely missing in the world of professional sports.

Tebow embodies the words of Christ–they shall know us by our love. According to 1 Corinthians 13, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

Why do we love Tim Tebow? We are drawn to his love, the love of the Father, evidenced in him.

So whether or not Tim Tebow continues to win (he is highly competitive and loves to win) is not what Tebow is all about. His greatest strength is love. Raised by a missionary father who taught him the value of all people, that God so loved the world that HE gave, Tebow gets it. And at a time when we are desperate to find real heroes of the faith, Tebow comes along and gives us hope.

P.S. If my beloved Chicago Bears had to lose to a team this past week, I’m glad it was Tim Tebow who led the rally.

If you like this blog,

10 Reasons for Tim Tebow Hate

Alec Baldwin embodies the entitlement mentality we see so prominently displayed among celebrities and others these days. His latest incident of being escorted off an American Airline flight for refusing to turn off his cell phone when asked, is another example of celebrity bad behavior that gets a media pass.

His apology, posted on the Huffington Post, was less an apology and more a justification for his bad behavior.

The apology was titled, A Farewell to Common Sense, Style and Service on American Airlines. It should have been titled, A Hello to More Celebrity Entitlement.

His apology was not to the airlines—the very people who deserved it. Instead he justified his temper tantrum  (read what he did on ABC News) and explained why he didn’t deserve to be treated the way he was. Then he used his platform on Saturday Night Live to further make fun of American Airlines.

Here’s what didn’t sit well with me. He refused to turn off his cell phone when asked because other people were not following the rules either.

Are we in grade school here? In grade school, kids tried to excuse their behavior by pointing to the other kids who were acting out too.  “But Jimmy did it too.” That never worked for me. The teacher would only point to my behavior. And my parents would use the old saying, “If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?” Apparently Alex would.

Second, he used his apology to bash the airlines for their poor service and “learned” that he cannot go around the rules if the “1950s gym teacher is on duty.” The message is, act out only when you think you can get away with it. Another great lesson to teach my children “Honey, Mr. Baldwin’s mistake was to disobey when someone was actually watching him. He should have been more stealth or waited until a flight attendant treated him more special.”

As a passenger on airplanes, I see people disobeying the rules all the time—that doesn’t make it right. And I feel for the attendants who have to deal with arrogant and angry people who feel they are above the rules. And yes, I have been treated poorly at times by flight attendants. But I didn’t get up, go to the bathroom, slam the door and refuse to comply and delay everyone on the plane. His response was childish and irresponsible. And my neighbor, a pilot, would tell you that those rules are made for the safety of ALL passengers, not as a way to control people or inconvenience them.

That is why the apology should have been about Alec’s rude behavior, not the poor service of airlines. Sorry, he needs to do more and take responsibility for being a bad boy!