Doing Life Together

” I can’t believe we owe this much money on our credit cards from the holidays! What happened? This debt will take months to pay off and has put us in serious financially trouble.” ” I’m sorry. I guess I spent a little too much. I didn’t mean to put us in debt.”

Shopping can be the seasonal balm for those who are depressed, lonely and /or anxious during the holidays. The harsh reality of the consequences of such action hits hard in January when credit card bills begin to arrive. Other times of the year, shopping is the activity engaged in to numb out feelings of angry, depression and loneliness. It serves as a momentary pick-me-up but ends in depression, financial hardship and relationship problems.

If you or someone you know tends to buy things that can’t be paid for or purchase items that are completely unnecessary, here are possible warning signs that compulsive shopping may be involved.

                            You:

1) Shop when you are emotionally upset.

2) Feel a “high” or rush when you purchase things

   3) Compulsively buy certain items like shoes, kitchen towels, etc.

   4) Experience financial hardship as a result of too much buying.

    5) Argue with others over your spending habits.

  6) Don’t use purchased items.

   7) Feel out of control when spending.

   8) Spend too much time juggling accrued bills.

   9) Accrue an unmanageable credit card debt.

  10) Intend to buy one or two items but buy many more.

If you need help with Compulsive Shopping, click on Strategies to Break Compulsive Shopping in tomorrow’s blog.

How many times have you heard a couple say they need to work on resolving conflict? Well, it may surprise you to know that conflict resolution is not the solution to happy marriages.

My parents were married 67 years when my mom died. They grappled with the same conflict issues for most of those years. According to researcher John Gottman, this is normal in stable couples.  Gottman found that 69% of couple conflict is perpetual. This means that while having conflict is normal, the bulk of it remains unresolved.

However, well functioning relationships develop a specific kind of dialogue around these problems. Even though conflict is on-going, successful couples discuss conflict without escalating to negative patterns like blame, defensiveness, cut off, etc. They use humor, affection and some irritability, but the conversation does not escalate to a negative place.

Thus, the secret to dealing with conflict is not to avoid or necessarily resolve it. The secret is to keep from escalating that conflict to a negative place. Successful couples choose relationships with a set of perpetual problems that they learn to live with them, being respectful and positive as the dialogue over those problems unfolds. Staying positive is the key.

So the next time you find yourself in a conflict with your partner, examine your dialogue around that conflict. Are you critical, feeling contempt, being defensive or even putting up a wall? If so, the relationship is going the wrong direction. But if you keep your affection, use humor and stay positive, the relationship is going to do well.

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I really loved the music when TV’s Glee began, so much so that I downloaded several of songs, but my Glee days have come to an end. I’m over the constant message of sex, sex and more sex that continues to be driven home in every episode.

When the show began, the plots were more about a variety of struggles in high school–being bullied, teen pregnancy, feeling like an outcast, and yes, sexual temptation.

But this season, sex seems to be a constant theme. A few weeks ago, the episode was all about having sex in high school. And those who tried to resist were made to look like fools. One scene had the Glee girls talking to each other about having sex. The message was, when you love someone, high school sex can be the best introduction to your sexual life–a complete opposite message of the early shows that showed the reality of teen pregnancy and boyfriend break up. At the end of that episode, everyone decided to have sex–adults, teens and now the writers have added a teacher-student sexual relationship (totally inappropriate).

A blog on the Huffington Post talked about this sexually charged episode this way, “Last night’s ‘controversial’ episode didn’t have a single shot of gratuitous teen sex, nor did the characters bare any skin. That’s because last night’s episode wasn’t about teens having sex. It was about love. Unlike most teen shows on television, Finchel (Finn & Rachel) Klaine’s (Kurt & Blaine) first times were tender, sweet and almost too private. It was so refreshing to see two couples share such an intimate moment. It wasn’t raunchy or needlessly provocative. It was sweet.”

So we are calling these relationships love relationships? And because the sex was “sweet,” it was fine. Just have “sweet” sex in high school and you will be fine.

Are these blogs ever written by parents of teens, or  health workers who have to tell a 15 -years old that she now has a life long case of genital warts, or by social workers who deal with the broken hearts of teen love lost?

I don’t care how sweet is it, the message that sex is right if you love someone is not one I want to promote to my teens. I’ve counseled way too many teens who thought they were in love, had sex and deeply regretted it–even when it was “sweet” but I guess no one talks to those kids.

So while we spend millions of dollars trying to prevent teen pregnancy, STDs and mental health breakdowns, we have media promoting the path to those ends.

According to the CDC: Among U.S. high school students surveyed in 2009…

46% had ever had sexual intercourse
34% had had sexual intercourse during the previous 3 months, and, of these
39% did not use a condom the last time they had sex
77% did not use birth control pills or Depo-Provera to prevent pregnancy the last time they had sex
14% had had sex with four or more people during their life

An estimated 8,300 young people aged 13–24 years in the 40 states reporting to CDC had HIV infection in 2009
Nearly half of the 19 million new STDs each year are among young people aged 15–24 years3
More than 400,000 teen girls aged 15–19 years gave birth in 2009

So “sweet” sex can still land you an STD!

Parents, keep talking to your teens about the consequences of sexual behavior in the teen years. The risk of STD, pregnancy and a broken heart are not worth the “sweet moment.”

Also, parents note these research findings by RAND Health behavioral scientist Rebecca Collins. She examined the impact of TV sex on teenagers’ sexual beliefs and activities. Here are the conclusions:

• Watching TV shows with sexual content apparently hastens the initiation of teen sexual activity
• Sexual talk on TV has the same effect on teens as depictions of sex
• Shows with content about contraception and pregnancy can help educate teens about the risks and consequences of sex–and can also foster beneficial dialogue between parents and teens.

Bottom line, talk about these shows with your teens. Watch them to know what the messages are so you can have a conversation. Parents still influence their kids, even when it doesn’t feel like that is the case.

So I’m done with loving Glee but I will continue to monitor the content to know what is being told to teens.

It is only November and already children are hounding parents for presents. The way our culture focuses on getting versus giving, many children don’t know the true meaning of the holidays.

How can we change this? By being intentional, one family at a time.

Let’s begin with advertisers. Advertisers see your children as consumers who will persuade you to buy their products. So they target kids to do just what many do—hound parents for specific toys. One thing parents can do is minimize the amount of exposure  kids have to advertisements—change the television channel, click off ads on the Internet and record television shows and use videos in order to avoid ads altogether.

The second strategy is to regularly talk to your kids about the real meaning of the holidays. Christmas is about the birth of Jesus and giving to others because of the gift we were given from God. Support those talks with real life activities that involve giving to others, e.g., preparing and taking food baskets to the poor, serving in a soup kitchen or mission, buying and wrapping gifts for the needy, singing at a nursing home, making cookies for neighbors, etc.

Third, read the Christmas story, do the Advent candles, attend special church plays and musicals. Draw children’s attention to the reason we celebrate. Develop traditions and rituals like going caroling. Direct your children’s attention away from the commercialization of the seasons and back to what is important. The pull towards materialism is strong but parents can change the focus.