Joan Ball is a business professor at St. John’s University in New York and the author of Flirting with Faith: My Spiritual Journey from Atheism to a Faith-Filled Life.
Hillary and I promise this will be the last dating post for…well, at least a little bit.
I recently went through a breakup. It was tough, especially after almost a year of this person being in my life. Blogging, however, seems to have brought new focus into my life, and I can’t help but view every situation through ethical lenses — even when it deals with my own breakup!
The person in question was visiting his family on the west coast for a week. I had no reason to anticipate an impending break up, and went about my daily business. If he seemed a little distant, well, again, I had no reason to worry — he was just busy, or so he told me.
So when I received an IM from him the day he was flying back to New York, I happily chatted back, telling him how much I looked forward to seeing him.
His response? “I don’t think this is going to work out.” Imagine my astonishment! He was breaking up with me over IM?
We did eventually proceed to the phone, but he called while he was waiting to board the 5 hour flight back to New York. So that conversation was also cut short. The last I heard from this guy was a text: “It just isn’t a match.”
Now, when I told my friends this story, they were confused and shocked by the breakup itself; but what they were most upset about was that he didn’t give me the courtesy of breaking up in person.
I have to disagree.
To the contrary, I was furious that he had led me on for an entire week, letting me believe that everything was status quo. It felt like a lie, a betrayal. And simply the wrong thing to do.
I’ve been known to break up with a boyfriend over the phone myself. Years ago I dated a guy very seriously for four years, long-distance. It was becoming more and more clear to me that I couldn’t marry him, and so one day when it actually felt right I picked up the phone and called him, and broke up with him.
Why didn’t I give him the respect of telling him to his face? Because it would have been over a week before I saw him again, and every phone conversation from the time I made my decision would have felt like a lie.
Do relationships (longterm ones at least) deserve the courtesy of a face-to-face breakup? Or is it better to just be honest and be quick?
Part of this blog’s mission is to question if our responses and our behaviour hurt others — I know that I was the injured party in this case, mainly because I felt lied to. Still, considering my friends’ indignation on my behalf, I wonder, what was the right thing to do?
posted June 2, 2009 at 12:05 pm
Although I want to say that hearing it over IM is lame…I have to admit it’s probably the best way to hear it at first. You have time to react. You can take a break and think about what you want to say. You can edit it before you hit enter and the other person hears our thoughts. But I do think that after the initial breakup has happened, both people owe it to each other to talk about the who/what/why in person after the breakupee has had as much time to think about things as the breakuper had in considering the breakup. Because the “honest and quick” leaves someone with lots of questions and the other without the knowledge of what the other was really thinking, too.
posted June 2, 2009 at 3:51 pm
Well, my biggest breakup to date was done in person, which I appreciated. Though I would have liked a heads-up via IM or phone beforehand… I agree with J about it giving you time to collect your thoughts, etc., before talking in person. That said, I think there are ethical ways to break up in person too! Went out to a movie with said ex and had a wonderful night out before the big whammy – AND this all on a Sunday night, before work the next day. I agree that timing is everything, but there is a polite way to go about things…
posted June 2, 2009 at 4:51 pm
what happens if he knows he’s going to dump you and tells his family as much but strings you along for four more months because you are suitable enough being a travel companion for a trip around the world? only to dump you when the trip’s over, leaving me – oops “you”- with no home, no job, clothes and stuff scattered around the world and now, no boyfriend. is that a good way to do it?
posted June 2, 2009 at 6:25 pm
Man.. I have to say the phone call is the best way. You want to be able to ask questions but you don’t want him to see you cry.
posted June 2, 2009 at 6:34 pm
You distilled the essence of your post in your last paragraph, but you rationalized your response based on timeliness. “Why didn’t I give him the respect of telling him to his face? Because it would have been over a week before I saw him again, and every phone conversation from the time I made my decision would have felt like a lie.”
- If you don’t respect the relationship enough to feel that it needs to be done in person, then it matters little if it is done by phone, letter, email, text, tweet, or changing your FB status.
“He was breaking up with me over IM?”
“I’ve been known to break up with a boyfriend over the phone myself.”
- You reap what you sow.
“I was furious that he had led me on for an entire week, letting me believe that everything was status quo. It felt like a lie, a betrayal. And simply the wrong thing to do.”
“It was becoming more and more clear to me that I couldn’t marry him, and so one day when it actually felt right I picked up the phone and called him, and broke up with him. ”
- As far as you being upset with the length of time it took for him to break up with you, how do you know he didn’t finally decide to end the relationship immediately before texting you? In reference to your long-distance relationship, how long did it take for it to become “more and more clear” before it “actually felt right?”
posted October 27, 2010 at 10:12 pm
I think that breaking up over the phone is ok. It gives you some privacy to be alone with your grief. I don’t know that there is a “right way” to break up.
I also think that putting it in writing is all right. Avoiding the face to face breakup removes the drama, the blaming each other, etc. and even more pain.