Joan Ball is a business professor at St. John’s University in New York and the author of Flirting with Faith: My Spiritual Journey from Atheism to a Faith-Filled Life.
Paddy’s recent post about how to date honestly (or too honestly) got me thinking about relationships, intentions, and the perils of long-term commitment, particularly when cultural, religious, and social mores collide. Her post asks us whether ’tis better to be upfront, or give it time before declaring one’s eventual relationship intentions.
I started thinking about this question even more after a friend at Jewcy passed along this recent, horrifying snippet from an ultra-orthodox Jew ranting at a cousin who was about to marry outside the faith. Apparently, it’s an email from a guy named “Moishe” (name has been changed) railing in horrendously bigoted fashion about what will happen to his cousin Noah (also not his real name) when/if he marries a non-Jew.
I would quote a sample from the letter, but here’s the thing: though the names have been changed, permission was not given by the writer of the email to reprint it (though the recipient did grant permission). To quote the Jewcy staffer:
“By an odd and fortuitous chain of events, the email found its way to Jewcy HQ.”
So it could be somewhat unethical to promulgate the guy’s hate-speech, even just to out him as a jerk, considering he only meant to share his creepy views with one guy–his cousin. For the purposes of this blog, I’m more concerned with the question: Is it OK to stick your nose in and give your opinion on someone else’s relationship?
I tend to think, except in extreme circumstances, that’s a big old “NO.”
Sure, I may have an opinion. I may think X is so completely wrong for my friend Y that I can barely stand not to scream it from the rooftops every time I see them together. I may think it’s a bad idea to mix heritages (I don’t), religions (I don’t) or political affiliations (well, maybe), but I’ll do my darnedest not to let it show.
Why?
- From a practical standpoint, sharing my two cents on someone else’s relationship is a great way to lose friends/loved ones. I’ve never met anyone involved in a relationship who wanted to have their bubble burst, or, more importantly, who took anyone else’s sage advice, no matter how kindly meant. Have you?
- From a moral standpoint, who am I to point the finger? It’s not like I know so much about relationships. I may have a gut feeling about how things are going to work out, I may want to protect my friend from getting hurt, but I don’t know everything.
- What works for me may not work for someone else. That goes for religious as well as secular considerations.
- Maybe it’s OK to voice an opinion–IF your friend specifically asked for one, but I still don’t think it’s a good idea to be too forthcoming. Whatever your thoughts on the person Y is dating, I believe Y needs to come to their own conclusion about X without being unduly swayed.
On the other hand, if I happen to know Y’s love interest is actively cheating, dangerous, mentally ill, etc, then I may perhaps have an actual responsibility to step in. But otherwise? I think it’s best to keep my trap shut. Even if it means a lifetime of biting my tongue because I can’t stand the jerk.
What’s your opinion?
posted June 1, 2009 at 4:45 pm
My wife’s friends have always been impeccably kind and congenial to me, from our early dates to the present. I have always been moved and grateful for this. The sheer effort it must take for an entire group of people to coordinate and maintain a continuous and flawless facade of general approval in the face of someone who’s clearly a bit of a boob has not been lost on me. Not once have I caught one of them wincing as I walked into a room. Thank you.
Mr. “H. H.”
P.S. – Of course, Hillary may not share my gratitude…
posted June 1, 2009 at 7:44 pm
Many many years ago my mother made the mistake of commenting on one of my girlfriends. I looked her square in the eye and said, “What makes you think that you have anything to say in the matter.”
That problem never came up again.
posted June 2, 2009 at 8:43 pm
MHH -
Awesome.