Joan Ball is a business professor at St. John’s University in New York and the author of Flirting with Faith: My Spiritual Journey from Atheism to a Faith-Filled Life.
One of the fundamentals of ethics is honesty, I’d say. Yet, I’m kind of a dishonest person. I consider myself to be basically morally sound, so why do I say this? Well, I tend to tell people what they want to hear, not what they need to hear.
A couple of years ago I gave into a friend’s blind date scheme. I exchanged a few emails with this “friend of a friend” and eventually set a date to meet for drinks. Read on; then tell me, is this not the best worst-date story or what?
Some backstory: A few days before our date, I decided to go chasing after a New York City bus on an icy night and had a very intimate face-to-asphalt encounter with 2nd Avenue. Strangers behaved quite ethically and picked my unconscious self off the busy street, laid me down on the sidewalk and called an ambulance. One emergency room visit later, I was missing most of my front teeth, had had the shards of those teeth suctioned out of my lips – which, might I add, had ballooned into a grotesque version of Angelina’s–and had a nice pattern of stitches decorating my mouth.
Trust me, I didn’t look so hot by the time the date rolled around (I mean, who looks hot with a broken face?) so I tried to give the mystery man a pass; he didn’t take it.
I don’t like to judge, but I have to take a moment here to describe what he was wearing when we met: a purple suede blazer, a white tuxedo shirt, skin tight black jeans, a large rhinestone belt buckle, and pointy white cowboy boots. I actually think I earned ethical points for continuing the date.
We proceeded to a low-key bar for a drink – he paid. After he pontificated his thoughts on literature, philosophy and the meaning of life for a good hour, I knew this wasn’t my kind of guy. So as we walked out of the bar, I held out my hand, smiled, and told him thanks for the drink.
No no, I was told. That was just Part 1 of the date. He had a surprise for me. Err…a surprise? Isn’t that what serial killers call impending death? Being the wimp that I am, I reluctantly agreed to continue the date. He wouldn’t tell me where we were headed, but we eventually ended up at a very high-end bar, where he took it upon himself to order us both cocktails.
“Since I bought the last drink, why don’t you get this one,” he said. Um, really? Maybe because a) the last round of drinks was $10, this one is $24 and b) I didn’t want to be there in the first place! But, Paddy-the-great-big-wuss struck again. “Of course!” I said, a painfully fake smile plastered across my (broken) face.
I chugged that cocktail, and tried my best to get the hell out of Dodge. I was desperate, people…desperate! I would have sold my kidney to get out of that date. In that state of mind, I may have agreed to see him again. The next day. At his apartment. You see, he had suggested cooking a gourmet feast for me.
Ethical Fail #1: I lied through my (half-missing) teeth, agreed to another date the next day, all because I couldn’t bear to tell him I wasn’t interested.
Finally, I called it a night. He walked me downstairs, excitedly planning our next date. I frantically hailed a taxi, and as one pulled up, I held out my hand (again) and started to say good night.
He had other plans. He swung me into his arms and crushed his lips onto mine for a steamy goodnight kiss. The stuff of romance novels, except, let us not forget, my lips were being held together by rows of stitches! I pushed myself away, hand to mouth, and realized that half of my stitches had come loose and I was bleeding. Completely fed up at this point, I mumbled goodnight, turned to get into the cab, and…shrieked. Shrieked, you say? Why shriek? Because as I turned, he had slapped my ass! Hard.
The next day (after a little side trip to get my stitches re-done) I felt a little better, and hoped that he had just forgotten the whole gourmet dinner thing. Ethical Fail #2: I wasn’t planning on ever being honest with him. I was planning on pretending the date never happened.
But no, he emailed me, following up on our romantic plans. Backed into a corner, I felt it was time for at least some semblance of truth. I tried to let him down gently. “I had a great time (lie), but I’m just not sure we’re a match.”
This guy was like a cockroach, he just wouldn’t die. He wrote back. “But why? I thought we were great. If nothing else, I’d like to improve myself, so please be honest and let me know what went wrong.”
This is the point when I had handed to me an opportunity to come clean, tell this guy what he did wrong – tell him that it wasn’t okay to force himself upon a girl, make her bleed and then slap her ass. Did I? No.
Ethical Fail #3: Here was a guy shouting for some direction, an honest opinion. But in my apparent quest to be People-Pleaser of the Century, I just told him we were different people.
SO. Tell me, is that the best worst-date story? Or was it simply amateur compared to your own? Let me know…and while you’re at it, tell me how you handled your best worst-date (hopefully better than I did!)
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posted July 30, 2009 at 3:53 pm
I’m curious Padmini, did you give your “friend” who set you up with this ridiculous individual the “WTF” phone call?
posted July 30, 2009 at 4:02 pm
Hahaha…why yes, Jason, yes I did. For once, I was *not* interested in pleasing anyone.
posted July 30, 2009 at 4:30 pm
I think all ethical obligations go out the window when someone slaps your ass on a 2nd date.
posted July 30, 2009 at 5:43 pm
Wow, here I thought *I* had had some truly spectacularly obtuse dates. My only comparably bad ones were:
1) the extremely loud talker who wouldn’t shut up about how much money he made even though everyone else in the restaurant was glaring at him and I was diving under the table from embarrassment. He didn’t once ask me about myself, or stop praising his own deeds for even a millisecond, unless it was to criticize the restaurant’s decor, food, and customers. It was miserable and I could not wait to get out of there. Then he called like 5 minutes after the date ended to say how great he thought it went. “Really? I said. “Did you not pay ANY attention whatsoever to any of the cues I was broadcasting?”
2) Another fella I dated took it upon himself to swing me up in his arms (even though I was wearing a billowy sundress) and carry me like a romance novel heroine down the sidewalk — like 10 minutes after we met. I did NOT enjoy it; it was embarrassing and weird and really wasn’t about chivalry, it was about showiness. I actually did tell him I didn’t like it, but it was really hard. The look on his face was so crestfallen that his punctured ego was hard to take and made me uncomfortable. Still, in the interests of the next girl having a better experience, I thought I’d better speak up. Who knows if it helped, or if he was incorrigible. A lot of men in the dating pool seem to be!
Don’t even get me started about the guy who blared his stereo at me at 80-kazillion decibels to introduce me to his favorite bands, or the fella with the cockatoo named Hoppy… sigh.
posted July 30, 2009 at 5:43 pm
paddy-
it says something about how amazing you are to be able to win a man over with a mouth full of stitches and no front teeth! too bad you never got a picture of the two of you…
posted July 30, 2009 at 7:22 pm
Paddy,
I don’t mean to wet myself laughing at your misfortune…but I just did
posted July 30, 2009 at 7:31 pm
Agree with Megan! You’re quite the charmer if you can win the guy over under that condition.. but I knew that already.
I had a guy take me to a gay bar, The Cock, on the first date. He knew the doorman.. jumped on stage.. and started stripping. All this after he blasted his bands’ music in the car. Being quite the lyricist, the song went, and I quote, “I want to suck your dick. I want to suck your dick.” Over and over. Apparently, he said, there is a market for gay metal.. and he just wanted to tap into it. But was by no means gay.
Really?
And I could go on and on….
posted July 30, 2009 at 8:26 pm
This was such a great blog post – cracked me up.
I have a Best Worst Date story for you all! I had a guy ask me if it was ok for him to come over to watch a movie with me on my couch (second date, mind you). He picked the Hilary Swank chick flick “P.S. I Love You” and cried. A little odd but okkaayy. At the end of the movie he leans in to kiss me and then runs to my bathroom. He comes out about 25 minutes later and says “I have to leave.” Bolts out the door and proceeds to call me from his cell multiple times begging for my forgiveness because he got “sick” in my bathroom. What could I say? Poor kid, right? A week later my roommate emails me and says “I found a pair of men’s boxers in our bathroom trash. They were covered in sh*it.” Someone tell me who does that? Keep the boxers on (no matter what kind of shape they’re in) and skedaddle, dude!
I DEFINETLY pretending that that date didn’t even happen! I actually went out with this guy again after that, never said anything to him, and – to this day – I still shake my head in disbelief.
posted July 30, 2009 at 8:42 pm
BostonBabe: Whoa, you might win! I can’t BELIEVE you went out with him again!! You must have a heart of gold!
posted July 31, 2009 at 12:27 am
I don’t have an awful date story, but i was browsing the online dating profile of a guy that actually looked cute in his pictures and had a funny self-deprecating profile. However, the last question of the profile had him answer the saucy question “What’s one thing only your good friends know about you?” While most people put things like “I love gross pizza” or “I can belch the alphabet” or even “I love chick flicks”…
This guy put “I’ve had a boyfriend. Not the best way to attract females, of course, but it’d come out at some point, and I’d prefer you knew up front; understandably, this info is a deal-breaker!”
It is, in fact, a deal-breaker for me, but I think i should email him just to say how much I respect his complete honesty. What an ethical guy.
posted July 31, 2009 at 11:49 am
What a highly entertaining blog. Having been through some pretty embarrassing dates (I accidentally set a girl’s couch on fire once), I have found that the most embarrassing freak occurrence will occur when you are trying your hardest to impress, and when you are trying to portray an image rather than be yourself. Its almost fates way of keeping you honest, and not allowing you to portray yourself as someone who you are not. When the really embarrassing moments occur its usually pretty obvious that a second date will not occur, or even that you would like a second date to occur (Who really wants their first date story to be about the time you got sick and puked in her purse
Approaching a date as a casual meeting and most importantly presenting an accurate image of yourself, seems to be the charm that keeps the more embarrassing moments from occurring. However the most frustrating thing I find about dating is when you think something has gone well, the person confirms that they feel it has gone well as you part ways, and then your polite text a couple of days later asking how life is progressing are not replied to. Silence ensues and you start to wonder if you had imagined the chemistry you had felt, or maybe that she was playing along so you wouldn’t suggest splitting the check. You also begin to compile a mental laundry list of the accurate disclosures that you made which might have turned her off. The end result is that the next time you are on a date, you will be less than forthcoming and more likely to be dishonest.
The moral of your story seems to be about being honest in your impressions, and I couldn’t agree more. If you would like the gentleman to give an honest and accurate representation of himself, its just as important to be honest as to whether he appeals to you. Being rejected when you have put your best foot forward is disappointing, but is far less painful, and mentally disconcerting, than believing things have gone well and then artificially having to produce the reasons why she is not responding. In my opinion, thanking someone for being honest about themselves and telling someone that you are not compatible because of these reasons, reinforces the value of their honesty. On the other side leaving someone blissfully unaware of the real reason why you won’t return their call, forces them to fill in the blanks and will result in the person being compelled to present themselves the next time in a less than honest manner. Honest begets honesty, and non-disclosure begets dishonesty.
Thanks for the thoughtful blog…
posted August 2, 2009 at 8:32 am
It’s really challenging, because I’m always afraid of hurting someone’s feelings. Wimpy, I know. My best worst date story:
A blind date invited me on a picnic. I made lots of food. He showed up hung over, having brought two beers, both of which he drank. He didn’t eat anything I brought, but went to buy himself a hotdog at a cart. He spent the two hours we were together talking about how drunk he had gotten the night before. After the ‘picnic’, as I was getting ready to go home, he asked about seeing me again. I said something noncommittal like “well, give me a call…”
posted August 4, 2009 at 10:59 am
Wow. That is horrifyingly hilarious!
I think some people have the very strange power of making us not want to disappoint them. No matter how absurd or unreasonable their requests, we want to please them, even if we don’t like them. It’s as if they make us doubt our own virtue if we fail to give them what they want.
posted August 7, 2009 at 11:11 pm
Hi i am Acruz, nice blog, it is very essential to have ethics in every day life because if a person adapt it them his/her life will much better then others. so in my perception every one has to be ethical and there is no worst day it is a good day or bad day.
————————————————————————
Alexander Cruz
internet dating
posted August 7, 2009 at 11:11 pm
Hi i am Acruz, nice blog, it is very essential to have ethics in every day life because if a person adapt it them his/her life will much better then others. so in my perception every one has to be ethical and there is no worst day it is a good day or bad day.
————————————————————————
Alexander Cruz
internet dating
posted August 7, 2009 at 11:23 pm
Hi i am Acruz, nice blog, it is very essential to have ethics in every day life because if a person adapt it them his/her life will much better then others. so in my perception every one has to be ethical and there is no worst day it is a good day or bad day.
————————————————————————
Alexander Cruz
posted August 11, 2009 at 1:04 pm
OMG, BostonBabe…*A week later my roommate emails me and says “I found a pair of men’s boxers in our bathroom trash. They were covered in sh*it”*… huny, you let the only man in North American, or maybe even the entire continent, who’s sh*t doesn’t stink get away.
posted September 4, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Wow…I would have canceled right away after the whole bus-tripping accident. But you do get some points for going forward with the date after that. It seems that trying to Start Love is a hard thing, but now maybe a physically painful thing as well! I use to handle these situations like you, but after you get hurt by someone you lose that filter that sits in front of your mouth. So now, when I go out on a date and I don’t feel a connection right away, I will tell them that if a second date is asked. I’m not mean about it, but I tell them honestly how I feel since now I am not afraid to hurt someone sooner rather than later.
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posted September 25, 2010 at 10:26 am
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posted December 11, 2011 at 2:58 am
last year i went on a date with derrick alesevich from San Francisco. i heard he was a great guy and a catch. dude turns out to be a total jerk-he’ll open the door to a restaurant..but he’ll walk in first. when the food comes, he doesn’t bother to wait for the ladies to go first. he dives right in. he talked about himself and his ex girlfriends NONSTOP. When it was my turn to talk, he’ll check his phone and reads email or check the sports. How rude! Worst date EVER. ladies beware of this jerk.