Joan Ball is a business professor at St. John’s University in New York and the author of Flirting with Faith: My Spiritual Journey from Atheism to a Faith-Filled Life.
I came across this infertility post today. In it, the author, Melissa Ford, questioned a Dear Abby column responding to a reader on the subject of financing infertility. Ford found Dear Abby’s response to be ignorant.
The reader was asking for Abby’s thoughts on holding a fundraiser to raise money for infertility treatments. Personally I think that may be stretching the limits of your friends and families’ love and generosity, but I agree with Ford and thought the advice given was incredibly insensitive:
“My heart goes out to you, but my gut reaction is negative. If you needed donations for treatment for a life-threatening condition, I might feel differently. I encourage you to explore other options available to you — including adoption.”
I know absolutely nothing about the emotional pain and heartache that infertility can cause, but I couldn’t believe that an advice columnist would be so dismissive about such a heart-wrenching topic.
Then I had a little moment of self-awareness. I remembered a conversation I had not that long ago with a friend
who was kind enough to catch me up on the whole Jon and Kate saga. My
reaction to the whole mess was astonishment that they had been blessed
with two healthy children and still had spent oodles of money on having
more.
After reading Ford’s post, I gave myself a bit of a mental kick my own
ignorant and thoughtless words in the past. After all, how dare I judge
anyone for their desire to have children? Still, there’s a wealth of
difference in questioning the ethics of spending huge sums of money on
your third child and spending that same amount of money on your
first…isn’t there?
I’m not sure. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m a long way from having a
child. God-willing, I very much hope to have a family one day. If I’m
unable to have children, then I also hope I’ll have the means to seek
other options. But if I have two children, I think I might stop while I
was ahead.
Tell me, do you think there is an ethical line to be drawn? At what
point is it out of line to have a child under any conditions? Do we ever reach that point? Was it okay for the original reader to ask for assistance in funding treatments for a first child as opposed to her second or
third?
posted August 10, 2009 at 5:06 am
Please see the link >
http://ivf-newborns-at-risk.blogspot.com
posted August 10, 2009 at 7:22 am
Having pursued IVF to have my first 3 children and then having gone on to have another (failed) IVF pregnancy because I was so desperate to have a fourth child, I really do understand how a woman could want a subsequent child just as much (or almost just as much) as she wanted her first.
I believe the main difference is that most people can understand how heartbreaking it can be to NEVER have a child. It is harder to understand someone’s desperate yearning for a child when they already have one (or maybe two). It just doesn’t seem as disastrous to have only one child as it does to never have any… I think, for this reason, many people would come forward to help a woman or a couple have a first (and possibly second) child, but far fewer would be willing to help out with a third child or beyond. For this reason, I think it would also be OK to ask for help from people, almost as if it were a life-threatening situation.
Rachel Inbar
http://www.fertilitystories.com
posted August 10, 2009 at 12:31 pm
Seems to me that if it’s an infertility fundraiser, those invited can examine their personal feelings on the matter and decide for themselves if they feel like shelling out dough for their friend’s or colleague’s treatment. Those who receive the invitation can say no or make an excuse that they don’t have the money to give, consulting their personal conscience and also their knowledge of the couple in question’s individual circumstances. No one will force them to open their wallets.
posted August 11, 2009 at 1:08 pm
With 129,000 children in foster care and 14,000 +/- babies relinquished each year for adoption in the US, I find the comment, “most people can understand how heartbreaking it can be to NEVER have a child” to be ludicrous and cruelly insulting to all these children. How about thinking more in the line of how heartbreaking it is to NEVER have a Mommy or Dad??? Families – real families that are remembered through time and weather the hardships of life – are always made of Love not always of blood.