Joan Ball is a business professor at St. John’s University in New York and the author of Flirting with Faith: My Spiritual Journey from Atheism to a Faith-Filled Life.
Where does one go when they need a little Etiquette 101? Why Emily Post, of course! We’re pleased to introduce Daniel Post Senning, moderator of the Emily Post Q+A blog – Etiquette Daily.com, as a new guest blogger.
Our belief here at Everyday Ethics is that wrestling with what might seem to be a “little” problem can really be just one of many considerations that add up to a life lived thoughtfully and, we hope, ethically.
This is why, when we receive questions about etiquette, we don’t just hit the delete button (or raise our ethical snoots in the air). Ethics and etiquette have an important and natural relationship — one we hope to do justice.
Sometimes we need a helping hand – for instance, I recently received an email from a friend asking for help solving her dilemma with an upcoming wedding invitation. I know how I would handle the situation, but I’m pretty sure it’s not the right way to handle it.
And that’s where Daniel is kindly stepping in…
Q: I was invited to a wedding in California in October. I feel an obligation to
go because I really like the woman but the truth is
we aren’t good friends — and it’s a lot of money to go out for a
weekend! However, I think she’s wonderful and she seems really excited about me coming and has even offered to find me a place to crash for free! How do I let her down nicely? Am I a horrible person or what?
A: First off I would like to thank Hillary and Paddy for their generous invitation to join you all here at Everyday Ethics. It is exciting to have an opportunity to talk about etiquette generally, and manners specifically, as the daily expression and regular practice of a larger set of values. At the Emily Post Institute we like to solve etiquette dilemmas by applying core principles of honesty, respect, and consideration to a given situation. So let’s take a look at our question today.
Wedding invitations are of great concern to many people. They potentially represent a great deal of planning and preparation by someone who is organizing one of the most important events in their life. There are a few traditional guidelines to keep in mind when you receive any wedding invitation.
- The first is that you RSVP whether you plan to attend or not. The reply should be sent as soon as you know your plans.
- The second is that you respond to a wedding invitation with a gift whether you plan to attend or not. The gift should arrive before the wedding if possible or you can bring it with you if you plan to attend. This helps the bride and groom to keep track of everything they receive and get their thank you notes out in a timely fashion.
These same rules apply for a destination wedding, like in one California. There is no reason to feel bad if you cannot attend a far away wedding for any of a number of reasons. It is always an honor to be invited and while you might regret not being able go there is no reason to feel guilty if it is not possible. It is best to communicate this as soon and as clearly as possible. Send a written reply but follow it up with a call if you know the bride, groom, or immediate. Explain that you will not be able to attend but wish them the best for their big day. It is nice to send a small gift even if you are not going and this call could be a great time to ask where would be the best place to send it.
The worst thing to do is feel badly about not going and to let this interfere with giving the host(s) the reply they need to complete their planning. While your new friend will surely miss you, she may also be relieved to learn that she has one less person to arrange housing for. It can also help, when letting someone down easy, to take on some responsibility. Don’t say that the “problem” is how far away the wedding will be, instead mention that you are otherwise committed. I am confident that given you are thinking about the best way to handle this, that you will find a suitable course of action.
--Daniel Post Senning
posted September 6, 2009 at 10:59 pm
Hi Daniel. Thanks for an interesting post. One thing I’ve noticed here in Australia is that hardly ANYONE responds to an RSVP anymore. Is it the same elsewhere? It makes it soooo hard to organise any kind of function.
Thanks also for pointing out what an honour it is to be invited to someone’s wedding. It’s worth pointing out that that the bride or groom sometimes feel pressure to invite at least some of their guests out of a sense of obligation, or fear of offending. So you may not upset them by making your apologies as Daniel said.
posted September 7, 2009 at 11:13 am
I find it interesting, and a bit disconcerting, that while you claim to solve etiquette dilemmas by applying the core principles of honesty, respect, and consideration, you resort to dissembling when advising “Don’t say that the “problem” is how far away the wedding will be, instead mention that you are otherwise committed.” While easy to say, it is not honest. A more honest reply might be, “The time and/or expense of attending is difficult for us. We certainly appreciate the generous offer to find us housing, but we must decline the invitation.” Follow that with an expression of best wishes and the hope that you will see the bride and groom at some future date, if that is truly your wish/intention.
gjhmz
posted September 8, 2009 at 4:22 pm
I would like to share a situation in which I do not think a guest was obligated to send a wedding present. A certain couple, good friends of mine, invited another good friend of mine, “Kate”, to their wedding. This couple and Kate had at one time been quite close. However, in the years preceding the wedding, the couple had made only a few attempts to contact Kate, and each time they were asking for something; for example, they once asked Kate for tips on how to approach her parents to invest in their startup company. Instead of emailing Kate to ask how she was doing, they would rely on me for updates on her life. (I suggested at first that they contact her directly and then gave them progressively shorter and more vague updates. I am not shy about giving my opinion — when I received the same email regarding the startup company, I cheerfully told them to go to hell — but am very hesitant when it comes to breaching another friend’s privacy.)
This couple was not willing to put forth the effort to maintain a friendship, and I do not think Kate was under any obligation to spend money for people she no longer considered a part of her life. I am not saying they are bad folks; I love them dearly, but to have a relationship with them sometimes requires much suspension of judgment. She did return their RSVP promptly.
I am not an etiquette expert and am not even particularly nice sometimes, so I would welcome any criticisms of my behavior and attitude in this situation. I would post under my own name were it not for the privacy issue.
By the way, I completely agree with the second comment above. If it were my wedding, I certainly would not want anyone to commit to anything they could not comfortably afford in terms of time, money, whatever, and I wouldn’t want them to feel the need to lie about it either.
posted September 8, 2009 at 7:25 pm
Hi “Julie”. Sounds to me like your behaviour and attitude here are spot on – especially regarding breaching someone’s privacy. The couple in question are placing an unfair pressure on you to serve their own purposes. It’s a wonder they have any friends at all.
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