What Ms. Tedaldi did must have been a terrible choice to make. Being an “outsider” I can only say Ms. Tedaldi did what she felt she had to do. I question the publicity of the whole ordeal. Who knows if “D.” will ever read about this and recognize himself as the pawn in this grab for fame. Isn’t this a greater disservice than silently “doing what you have to do” for the child?

Family is family. You don’t give away your kids, biological or adoptive. They are dependant on you to be strong and handle what is given to you. You don’t give up on them. I have two biological children and an adoptive child and I don’t want this one woman’s upsetting experience to stop anyone who is thinking of adopting. There are many children who need a family. When you adopt a child you are giving them in most cases a mother , father, siblings, grandparents, aunts, and uncles, and cousins. You are giving them a support base that they never would have had.

it isnt an easy decision, i know, i have adopted and parented children born to me. it could have been worse. there are families who have adopted and later severely abused the child whom they never bonded with. i think she is brave to come forward to tell her story, but at the same time i think that all the publicity gives adoption a bad name and makes adopted kids seem ever so much more disposable, as many people view them.

I spent many years working in the child welfare system, and ran across a couple of “rejected adoptions.” One of them was just an elderly couple who couldn’t handle the teenager they had adopted, which I kind of understood. But the other one involved a brother and sister who were placed for adoption by the Department of Children and Family Services with a couple who kept insisting they really really only wanted the boy, but the social worker insisted this was a package deal. Which was bad enough, but ultimately, the couple “rejected” the adoption of the girl–and THEN DENIED HER ANY CONTACT WITH HER BROTHER, who was her only family in the world. I believe there is a special place in hell for people like that, and most of the time I don’t even believe in hell.

All I hear in this story is Anita’s pity for herself, for her inability to bond with D. 18 months is not trying hard enough. This child had already suffered separation, lack of love, neglect, all hugely magnified traumas when in the first few months of a child’s life as their brains try to handle their developing emotions, signals from the parents, and it does not surprise me that it would take more than 18 months for bonding to occur for D in his special case. When you adopt a child with special needs, it is no longer about you. It is about that child, and giving it your ALL as you would for your own biological children and if there is any doubt you cannot do that, NEVER sign up for the job in the first place. She chose D, D did not choose her. She abandoned D, D did not abandon her. D was neglected, traumatized before the adoption, not her. Very poorly planned on her part, and a very weakly executed attemp at being D’s mother. To me, Mother means you would die for your child. She could not even give him more than 18 months. Now he will grow up with psychological problems knowing his birth mother did not want him, and now his adopted mother did not either, but D will know his mother was willing to go on national TV, tell the world he was not bonding, and expect him to grow up feeling it was not his fault in any way? Plus, having 2 newborns in that 18 months and an absent father, how much attention was D, a special needs child, getting anyway? This is tragic for D, yet all I hear from Anita is how hard it was for her.

What Anita fails to mention is that she had three bio children when she began the process of adoption, was pregnant with a fourth child when she got the referral for D (or Matteo, which is the name she’s used in other pieces) from South America (or Ethiopia, which is what she’s said in other pieces), and then had a fifth biological child while she should have been busy bonding with her adopted child. Oh, and her husband had a long-term military deployment through this whole time.
And that blog post she confessed to, where she castigated another adoptive family for disrupting an adoption? It was titled, We Can’t Trade In Our Children or Our Husbands (it’s since been scrubbed from military.com where it was originally published, but I grabbed a snippet before the scrub: http://tinyurl.com/m24oh6).
We can’t trade in our children? Apparently for Anita, we actually can.
The adoption agency that allowed this placement should be ashamed. If Anita did consult therapists, they were very bad ones, and she actually ignored what they said — she admits they told her D was making progress on all fronts when she decided to disrupt.
Yes, adoption disruptions do happen — rarely — and sometimes for good reasons. That’s not what happened here. This was a placement that never should have happened to a parent who gave up on her child.
No, we shouldn’t judge. But we also shouldn’t tolerate everything in the name of not judging.

Attachment issues are very very real. This child was obviously ignored and or abused for months and then left on the side of a road, anyone will tell you a child will most likely have attachment issues.
The woman did the right thing, but imho waited too long to disrupt the adoption – the baby was most likely over 2 years of age, she had him for 18 months but he was under a year when he came into his custody.
and yes a biological child can be given to the state if a parent no longer wants to deal with the situation any longer.
Could things have been different? we would all like to say yes, but until you walk a mile in the shoes of someone living with this type of issue in your home, we really shouldnt judge.
Its very sad none the less ……

As an adoptive mom this woman’s story makes me irate. And it makes me even more irate to see all the comments on her original blog post praising her for being so brave and honest. She’s a coward – plain and simple. It ain’t easy being a parent whether your child is biological or adopted. To adopt a child and spend 18 months being his parent and then giving up on him amounts to abuse as far as I’m concerned. Yes, this child is better off in his new home – no doubt so for that I’m glad she made the choice she did. But what’s the message it send to the rest of the world – especially about adoption – that adoptive kids don’t mean as much as biological kids? That you can just decide to give up on parenting because it isn’t going the way you want it to? I know people give up on their kids all the time but this seems particularly egregious because she knew this kid already had a very rocky start in life – to then have him in your home for 18 months and then make him start another life again at that point is horrendous.
And, more than anything why is this woman going on TV to talk about this? Oh, she has a book coming out. So now she’s going to make money off of this. Disgusting!! And I really wish that this story had never come out in the first place – why is she being given the opportunity to tell this horrible story.
Why can’t the media do a positive adoption story for every negative one they do? Oh, because it’s not as interesting or salacious.
Huffpost – if you want a happy adoption story to do next, let me know – we’re a wonderful, loving family and my daughter is thriving and happy.

There is one other thing that I’m surprised no one has mentioned – D is a boy and Tedaldi’s biological children are all girls. Ask anyone who has parented boys AND girls and they will tell you that it can be very different even within the same family. My nephew never wanted to “snuggle” but both of my nieces loved to sit on their mom’s lap. My daughters loved to sit and play one on one with me but my son wanted to run around and play sports (even at the age of 2). Boys do things in their own way and it doesn’t mean they are not bonded with their mothers.
It is tragic that little boy has experienced this displacement. I hope and pray for his sake that he is now in a situation where he can get the love and attention he deserves.
The other tragedy that no one is thinking about is that the Tedaldi’s daughters have experienced the loss of their brother. This is something that will also hurt them more than Tedaldi realizes.

I am the mom of a bio boy and a beautiful girl that was placed with us 7 weeks ago. Things aren’t going well – this girl misses her sisters who were placed elsewhere. She isn’t attaching – how long do you try to make it work and at what point is that more damaging than realizing it would be better for her to be near her sisters???? Everyone is so judgemental – each case is different. I can dig in, help her fit in here – but at what age is she going to resent not being around her sisters anymore. (Not our decision to separate them) Yes, I am her mom, it is better for HER to be near sisters – not the rest of us….

I fully understand your thoughts on this issue. This is an adoption that should have never taken place. Period. I say my thoughts from an adoptee’s perspective. This former son of hers is going to be very damaged in the long run. He is going to read all of her stuff online and how she disrupted (abandoned) him again.
As an adoptee rights activist, I am in contact with many adoptive parents. Malinda is one of them but I also know an adoptive parent who adopted a child who was the result of an abandonment, disrupted adoption, and a removal from foster care. She has every reason to disrupt her adoption but she has chosen to stand by her adopted daughter even thought that adopted daughter will need care for the rest of her life. She was sexually molested and the agency knew it. The agency collected two adoption fees for this child. To me, this other adoptive mother is a mother. She is a real mother. Anita Tedaldi is not.

I’ve written about Anita’s case also on my international adoption blog, and it is hard to talk about. Adoption disruptions do happen, and sometimes it’s the best choice for all concerned. However, Anita’s story in particular makes me uncomfortable. Even Lisa Belkin, the NY Times staff writer who edited Anita’s piece for the Motherlode column, actually discouraged her from going on “Today” and has said she probably should not have been approved by an agency to adopt. I do think she’s headed for a book deal. Yuck.

I did know another couple who “unadopted” their child after trying every possible recourse–after he set their home on fire multiple times, tried to attack them and other siblings with knives, and molested a sibling. They still grieve his absence, because the choice was not about them. The choice was about protecting him from himself and protecting the other siblings.
Baby D probably has bonding problems stemming from his earliest months. I don’t know what the answer to this is, but I was disturbed by how facile Tedaldi seemed about it. I don’t know what I want from her. DID Baby D get a new home? Or is he back in foster care? I wasn’t clear on that.

This is such a tragic story in which Baby D is the main victim. Tedaldi’s other children will have also suffered in the loss of their brother.
I am amazed that an adoption agency ever approved Tedaldi for adoption. Her comments demonstrate a total lack of understanding of the additional emotional needs of adopted children. She states that she put in the same amount of effort to bond with Baby D as she did with her biological children and seems to believe that this was enough. Baby D’s early trauma means that he needs far more effort and bonding will be a more difficult process than with a biological child.
I live in Australia and, after any adoption, parents are not allowed to become pregnant for at least 12 months to assist with bonding between parents and their adopted child.
I adopted my beautiful 2 1/2 year old daughter and I would never consider giving up on her. She is as much my child as if I had given birth to her. She has had some attachment issues, but that has only meant that I need to give her more of myself. I am the parent. I chose to bring my daughter into our family. Being her ‘forever mummy’ is my responsibility and also a gift beyond measure. I am sad that Teraldi didn’t put in the effort required to receive the gift – for herself or her son.

If a woman can choose to abort her own flesh and blood why is this woman being honest, saying this child was not working wrong? I guess the same women that would not give an innocent fetus 9 months and then adopt him/her out need to crucify Tedali for giving 18 months with a child she could not bond with. Yeah, that’s really fair…

It is extremely interesting for me to read that blog. Thank you for it. I like such topics and anything that is connected to this matter. I definitely want to read a bit more soon. BTW, rather good design that site has, but how about changing it every few months?
Kate Swift
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It was extremely interesting for me to read this post. Thanx for it. I like such themes and anything connected to them. I definitely want to read more soon. By the way, pretty nice design this site has, but don’t you think design should be changed every few months?
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Very sad story, but I can’t agree with those who criticize moms who can’t bond and want to end the relationship with an adopted child. If that mom can’t love that child there is nothing left to discuss. Love won’t develop and the child deserves better and more. He doesn’t need to spend the next 15 years of his life feeling like a second class citizen because “in principle” his mom signed a contract and kept him, although she doesn’t love him. I say it’s good she found him a new family. Now he has a chance at being loved. It is NOT the same with bio children.

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