Joan Ball is a business professor at St. John’s University in New York and the author of Flirting with Faith: My Spiritual Journey from Atheism to a Faith-Filled Life.
Today in the grocery store checkout line, a regal-looking
elderly woman gave me a hard time. It burned me up so much I walked out of
there fuming and practically muttering to myself, rehashing the incident and
thinking, boy, when I get home, I am SO
gonna blog about this.
Why? Because I felt unjustly accused, and I was caught
flatfooted without a good comeback line at the moment of confrontation. Here’s
what happened:
I was buying ingredients to make my famous matzoh ball soup, which I always get a yen to cook up when the seasons change and the weather turns crisp….
I’d been doing my best to observe proper New York City grocery store etiquette, which is, though unwritten, quite elaborately byzantine. (With real estate as pricy as it is here, the aisles are perilously narrow, the carts are tiny beyond what shoppers in the rest of America tend to find believable, and anyone who blocks access to the chips or beer for even a nanosecond is liable to be met with a death-ray glare. If you don’t believe me, try shopping at the Trader Joe’s on 14th Street. I dare you.) Observing proper protocol is not just a matter of good manners, it’s a matter of self-preservation in Manhattan. (This may explain why I prefer deliveries from Fresh Direct, but that’s a matter for another blog.)
I was already congratulating myself on a relatively smooth expedition. I’d been so good: I’d only used my cell phone where it would disturb no one–and only briefly, to check with my husband if he needed milk. I’d scrupulously attempted to keep my mini cart out of the way of baby carriages and other shoppers, ostentatiously waving them ahead of me in all instances, and only paused for the most fleeting of moments to swipe items like my much-needed dill from the pile of wilted, overpriced herbs, so as not to disrupt the flow of traffic. When in need of parsnips, I effusively thanked and praised the store manager who gallantly offered to go down to the store basement to check if they had any more. I was exerting every bit of good will I possessed to make my shopping experience as pleasant as possible for myself and all those around me.
All this with a blinding, nauseating migraine.
Then, Judgmental Lady rained on my parade.
I’d made it all the way to the checkout and gotten my items half scanned when the woman behind me (not the mean one) asked if she could lean her heavy water bottles on my cart. I asked her if she wanted to put them on the conveyor–I’d be happy to make room–but she said no, she was fine. So I concluded my business and was signing my receipt when I looked back and saw that another woman had taken her place behind me (apparently the first woman had swapped to another counter to check out). And THIS woman said to me, all snotty-like, “You’re SUPPOSED to push your cart out of the way when you’re finished.” (In NYC you don’t take it with you.)
I stuttered and stammered something like, “I was getting to that, don’t be so quick to judge,” but I really wanted to say, “Hey, lady, what’s the matter with you!!! Give me one gosh-darn-cotton-pickin’ minute, for cryin’ out loud, what the heck’s the matter with you, can’t you see I have a migraine and I’m gonna throw up on you any second and I’m just trying to get out of the store alive so I can cook dinner for my husband and have a nice weekend and why do you have to be so mean you old hag and pick on me!?”
But I didn’t. I went home, fuming impotently, and told my mom about the incident. She said, “You should have told the woman, “Try and make me.“
Ha! That’s just one of the comebacks I was able to think of–later.
But really, what I’m trying to get at here is, why do we feel the need to justify ourselves to people when they misjudge us? What’s it to me if some cranky old lady at the store harasses me for two seconds? I ought to know my worth.
It’s all about the perception, I suppose. I didn’t want to be seen as someone who didn’t know how to behave in a grocery store; someone who wasn’t raised right. The interior knowledge ought to be enough, but man… sometimes you just want that Dorothy Parker way with a quip, right? Though, come to think of it, would it be ethical to snipe back at an old woman, just to make a point? What’s the high road to take here?
Sigh. At least I’ll have yummy soup to comfort me.
Subscribe to receive updates from Everyday Ethics or follow us on Twitter!
posted October 2, 2009 at 4:54 pm
After all that, you’re sorry excuse for a husbeast better appreciate the soup! Fortunately, I’m suspecting he may…:)
posted October 2, 2009 at 5:43 pm
I enjoyed reading this, and can totally relate.
Could it be that since you had been “so good” at minding the unspoken NY shopping etiquette, while being polite to others you were caught off guard by the “old hag”?
I have been confronted with similar situations and upon reflection realize I am upset that I didn’t “stick up” for myself. I have recently tried to focus on the fact that I didn’t sink to the level of a person either having a bad day or who is just a bad person. Kill them with kindness!!
posted October 2, 2009 at 10:34 pm
I find that any phrase with the words “sow”, “hag” “crone” or “harpy” to be quite disarming to such people.
There are, I imagine, male equivalents, but men don’t speak to other men that way, only to unaccompanied women.
posted October 3, 2009 at 10:34 am
I try to use responses that I learned from a book,.I Feel Guility When I Say No, as often as possible. One would be I can understand why you might think that or I don’t always remeber to do that. It results in no conflict or guilt or anger. It is WIN WIN
posted October 4, 2009 at 11:42 am
My reaction to this grumpy old lady is, how sad…she must really be a very unhappy person. Maybe if you find it in you to pity her, your own anger will dissipate somewhat..
posted October 4, 2009 at 12:46 pm
I must admit, I do NOT tend to behave well in such circumstances. I remember one day in NYC, I was standing in the doorway to a shop looking at something on display on the wall, perfectly well aware that I would need to get out of the way for anybody who wanted to enter or leave. But when someone came up with a baby stroller (I think) and asked me to move before they were anywhere near me, I took one look and sprang (literally) out onto the sidewalk, making my exit as visually extreme as possible. I felt silly but (slightly) vindicated.
It’s hard, because there is so much going on in such interactions: the other person’s assumption that you aren’t paying proper attention, the implied assumption that you are being purposefully obstructive or negligent, the implication that their comfort or need to complete business is more pressing than yours. But I know that I have been on the criticizing end myself before, e.g. when I see people riding bicycles in the roadway against traffic, and I know under those circumstances that I am absolutely convinced I am right and that not to say something is to endanger (literally) everyone involved. The situation begins out of control and it’s hard to think how to diffuse it.
My suspicion is that it is best to take a deep breath, smile and look the other person directly in the face and say, “Pardon me, I’m not sure I heard you correctly.” That turns you into a person with whom they now have a direct interaction and gives them time to rethink the split second criticism they just delivered. As you know from my own example, I don’t always manage to do this myself, but it’s what I think I probably should do if I haven’t already sprung out the door to avoid the whole interaction.
posted October 6, 2009 at 6:30 am
I totally agree with your article. I also want to appreciate this lady having disappointing. I can understand her feeling as a woman.
posted October 9, 2011 at 9:47 am
The high road is always the smoothest way to travel on life’s road!
posted December 11, 2011 at 3:02 am
If you lose too many of those petty contests you can lose it. We all have pride and to stay mentally healthy then you can’t let it be stepped on all the time. That is why so many of these terrible incidents that you hear about on television happen. People try to rise above there so called petty feelings but denying them won’t make them go away. After they build up they can explode. You are right to be angry at that women in the store. Next time tell her to be sure of her facts before she lips off.