The result?
Major pouting.
I couldn't see why he didn't consider a nice home environment a benefit to the both of us. (He could care less what color the walls are.) He couldn't see why the happiness of his intellectual life didn't seem important to me.
At the crux of it was my fear that, if we spent our money on individual things that only benefited one or the other of us, we'd never get to do something as a couple - like that trip to Europe we've had our heart set on.
But even that, apparently, is more my dream than my hubby's. So what's to do when you want different things, and you can't afford to do them all? Do you do none of them? I'm asking as a person who's been married only slightly longer than 2 years.
I suspect the short, ethical answer is: compromise, compromise, compromise. When you live in any society, the good of the whole outweighs the good of the individuals. And marriage is a sort of a society you commit to, isn't it? One that grows with each child you put into it? (We're not there yet.) Thing is, this part wasn't covered in our oath of citizenship - the wedding vows. Maybe we should have gone all medieval, and set out a contract divvying up our chattel before we said our "I do's", or ultra-modern, and done a pre-nup, but I don't think either would have applied to these in-marriage circumstances.
By this "good of the marriage" argument, we'll only ever fulfill our most uncontroversial needs and wants - most likely, what to have for dinner, what entertainment we're going to watch, home repairs and holiday gifts for others. Anything else is going to be a major speed bump.
If we both compromise, and wait to fulfill our individual wants - I won't paint until next summer and he won't take that class until next semester, after we've amassed enough dough for both - how do we keep resentment and gloom at bay? Do we, instead, simply eat Ramen noodles, take out a loan, work a second job, and immediately gratify both our wants, as is the American way? Paint half the house and audit half the class? Go to Bismarck, ND instead of Piedmont, Italy?
Really, this whole responsible adult thing is turning out to suck. I'd like to find some huge spirit of generosity in me that said, "I don't want the house to look pretty as much as I want my soul mate to feel fulfilled" but the honest truth is I know that would end up simmering a deep, deep resentment in me. Yes, that makes me small and petty, but since it's the case, I don't want to set up my marriage for a big old sand trap later on by pretending like I'm all selfless now. Unless I could make that gesture truthfully and not regret it, I'd be an ass to make it at all.
So, when couples fight over money, are we really fighting about money, or about wanting some individuality, some room to go back to putting ourselves first like we did when we were still single? I've tried reading some of those cereal-box internet advice articles offering "12 Biggest Reasons We Fight Over Finances" and how to work them out, but I find them only marginally helpful. I suspect the hubby and I are in for a few uncomfy nights to come as we sort our conflicting priorities out. Too bad we don't have a tie-breaking vote to give us a majority rule in our marriage!
Anyone out there have a similar dilemma? Or a creative solution? I'm all ears.
Oh, and P.S. - I'm solving the ethical dilemma of airing our marital dirty laundry by showing the husbeastie this post before publication. It has his stamp of approval. But commenters, please be gentle - on us both.
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Well, this is EXACTLY why I think every couple SHOULD have a pre-nup, but not the ones that just focus on what happens if we divorce. Ideally, every couple should put it in writing, at the time when they feel more benevolent toward each other than they ever will again, who puts who through school and how the good stuff and the bad stuff get split up. But it isn't too late to do it AFTER y'all get married, it's just more complicated.
I think you have the answer. That is, you need to each be contributing to a joint account of some sort. Maybe you each agree to put in 35% of each pay check, or payment, you receive, and that is "slush" money as it were for painting, trips, etc. It does, of course, mean delayed gratification, which I gather is an issue, but it will mean that you can each do the selfish things with the remaining 65% and the selfless with accumulated money in the joint account, even if it takes a bit longer. It sounds like the painting, while you view it as something for you both (something "selfless," as it were), he doesn't. The problem might then come up: is the slush money only for things we BOTH think of as important? I don't know. It could go round and round. I have never met a couple ever that hasn't had this dilemma, so at least you can take heart in not being alone. I'm not married. I just always think Suze Orman's advice sounds good and she said this once. I wish she'd been around to train my parents. They just yelled a lot and my mother threw things. Hahahaha.
I'm with you, emmabliss57. A joint account is a must IMHO for any marriage that is interested in staying happily married. And I'm sorry, but I strongly disagree with Marian - pre-nups are a disaster waiting to happen. They are a way for two people to become "one" while still remaining "two".
A successful marriage requires sacrifice. And I don't mean going without the more expensive item and settling for something cheaper. Not that sort of sacrifice. I mean choosing to serve my spouse, even when that means delaying, or possibly fore-going that thing I want. Why? Because I want my spouse more than I want the walls painted for example.
Of course it won't be a happy marriage while only one party holds this attitude. But if both do...well try it and see. (I speak as one who's been married for 23 years).
That is a hard one--but so small in some ways. In the midst of similar stresses I'm know to say something like "well, it will all be ok--no one is dying of cancer or going to prison!" I like having an eye on the morbid to gain perspective.
I am the petty one in our marriage. I need to pray and meditate to get over my petty anger. The issue for me is pride, and just wanting to get what I want darn-it!! So after some shouting, pouting, and venting with girlfriends (who are good enough to kick me in the Butt when I need it) I usually settle down and discuss the options reasonably. Yes--it makes sense to check the budget before paying off the credit card. I'm just so eager to pay it off I really resent your caution.
CAN he take the class next semester? Is there a compelling reason he would be better off taking it now? I'd think summer (open windows, hot drying air etc) would be a better time to paint anyway. Can you spend $20 on some other apartment improving accesories to tide you over?
Creative compromise. . .takes energy--definately worth it!
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