My question is, why would an adult woman need to accept money from her parents? Hopefully it’s for more than the love for “the things money can buy.” Didn’t they raise her to be self-sufficient? Didn’t they send her to college so that she could get a good job to support herself? I can see accepting money during your college years and perhaps in the year afterward as you get your first job and get on your feet. But after that, all bets should be off. You’re an adult. Take care of yourself. It’s what the rest of us do.

I think we could look at this question in reverse – if you knew that your parents would benefit from a little financial help from you as a child, would you give it – or would you except them to ‘stand on their own two feet’? For me, the problem boils down to not the giving of cash, but the attitude in which it was given (or received). If you are in a relationship with your parents where money and gifts do not correspond to “points” on a familial scoreboard then it is never a handout. It’s a gift. It is a physical expression of love.

Ouch Andrea! Why don’t you tell Hillary what you really think?
It’s a tricky issue for parents, this. I have 2 sons, 21 & 18. My view is that my job as their parent has been to protect them while they needed it, and simultaneously prepare them to be the protector of their (future) families. That preparation means they must learn to shoulder the full weight of responsibility for their own actions BEFORE they attempt to carry the heavier responsibility of a wife and kids. This has meant allowing them to make mistakes, just as I did when they were learning to walk, learning to ride a bike, or learning to make friends.
One of the hardest things I’ve had to do as a parent is to resist the urge to rescue. It requires wisdom to know when to step in and when not to, and I don’t think we’ve always got it right. But IMHO a parent does their kid no favours when they make a habit of always bailing them out. I think balance is the key.

Great timing! I just received a phone call today from my 24 year old daughter asking me to help her with rent this month (again) because she still can’t find a job. I want to say no, that it’s time to deal with the consequences. But I know this won’t last forever and if I can help her now, why shouldn’t I? At some point I want those purse strings cut completely, but when is the best time?

I have a girlfriend who is 66 years old, still lives at home, as never had a job, lives completely off her mother, who is 88 years old, and now my girlfriend has moved her 53 year old boyfriend into her mother’s home. The boyfirend has not worked in 20 years. The mother is supporting both her daughter and her daughter’s boyfriend! I talked to the mother concerning this and she said that she is concerned about her daughter’s welfare after she is gone. I accept that the mother made my girlfriend dependent upon the mother’s income, but when the boyfriend started mooching off these two, I just couldn’t believe it. I have stepped away from these people.

I just turned 40 years old and have recently accepted money from my parents. I have been self-sufficient for 20 years, but when my position was eliminated in June, we all panicked. I owe 20 more years on my mortgage, two more years on my car, and I am the sole financial provider for my family — husband and two big dogs. When my garage door broke, my parents paid for half of it, and they gave me one month’s house payment to do what they could. My profession has become obsolete where I live, and I have not been able to find a job despite real effort to find one. Whenever I go out with my parents, to dinner or a movie, they pay. I have offered to pay, which I used to do, but they refuse to let me. I am embarrassed to be 40 years old and having my recently retired parents pay for everything, but the fact is I am probably going to lose my home, have to relocate, and start from zero in the spring. I think my parents know this and they want to do what they can now because ultimately they are going to have to watch us lose everything. I appreciate the help from my parents and I know they do it out of love. But if I ever expected them to pay for things, they would no longer do it. There is no reason parents should support their children beyond a certain age. But financial help is sometimes crucial. If it ever is taken for granted, however, it is no longer crucial and should probably no longer be given.

I struggle with this every day. Thirteen years ago when my father died (they were 79) he made me promise I would take care of my mother. I was living away from home at the time. I have three other siblings, all married, with nice houses, retirements, etc. When I moved home my oldest brother told her to make me pay rent…I refused, as I am her primary caregiver. Since then I have not been able to work full time, but, except for the “free room and board” have pretty much paid my own way until this year when my mother broke first one, and then the other hip. Now I work even fewer hours as I wait for her to come home from the nursing home. My bills are going unpaid, my siblings resent that I have to beg money from her (my father left her very well off), but, I am doing all the care for her that they would not do, as it would inconvenience their lives. Additionally, I am putting off marrying again as I don’t want to bring my debt (school, medical bills) to life with my new husband. My three siblings each go home to their spouses every night, and because I am taking care of my mother in her home, I do not. What ever I get from her, I earn.

This is a very difficult time in most people’s lives. Accepting or needing help is not always a sign of weakness or failure. True, there are those who do nothing and ask for everything, but that is not really what the writer is talking about. It sounds to me as though her parents buy her luxuries she can’t otherwise afford. Things she can live without, but what I read in these comments are primarily people who are experiencing misfortune based on the very difficult financial crisis many of us are facing in this country.
Many cultures put away their “riches” for their grandchildren, to pay for their educations, homes, etc. Whatever they deem appropriated once they reach a certain age (usually 30). I don’t see this happening much anymore. Seems we all want more and more and more.
Consumerism has left us all wanting, grasping, and failing to find happiness. For those who work to sustain a relatively simple lifestyle, just paying the mortgage or rent can’t be challenging.
We all need help sometimes… and if we’re blessed with family who are willing to extend a hand our responsibility is to accept it graciously, without guilt (would you want to give GUILT with a gift??) but with gratitude and determination to do our best for ourselves and give when others are in need.
I don’t think it matters: family, parents, brothers, sisters, neighbors, strangers… in giving we receive.

As one of those generous parents, my daughter is providing me the opportunity to show compassion and share. She is giving me a gift. I do not view it as a burden but rather as a blessing. She has hit on hard times. That is when family steps in and teaches the lessons of being able to accept charity with grace and gratitute. She too is learning lessons. Together, we are traveling life’s road and learning to support each other in hard times. Someday, it will be my turn to have to accept. I hope I can be as graceful about it as my daughter. We are learning the true meaning of compassion.

One of the most ingrained cultural paradigms of our industrialized century has been independence=success. In order for an American individual to be considered worthy and successful, he or she has been increasingly marketed and pandered to by the credit industry and the consumer society that being financially salient and self standing is the only way to be OK. It wasn’t always this way, in fact, if we look just a few hundred years back beyond our country’s birth, we see evidence of societies that were much less individualistic and much more extended and communal, not only out of necessity, but because it gave them a sense of appreciation of the truly important things in life.
As with anything there are extremes to an individual’s responsibilities and abuse of their own capacity to serve themselves and others, and to benefit their own life and the lives of others as opposed to draining it. I wonder what our societal measuring tool means in this case: if we do only believe that people are ok if they are financially independent, then what about the millions of people in our culture and in cultures all over the world who are living on less than what most would consider even an amount that scratches us by? Some people in our American system are looked down upon because they “mooch” off a system, or off their parents. Does this adjective really apply? Since we know that relationships are always a mutual decision who is zooming who? Is it fair to overlook the complexities that exist in this troubled economy and how the unjust practices and misguided thinking that material things will make us happy…have played a part in our collective conditioning?
I think it is a gift to give of oneself and one of many forms is your money…but it is only one form of so very many gifts. Your listening ear to an elder, your time for children, your assistance with daily tasks, your elbow grease to help ease the burden of a neighbor or friend, …all these and so many more are arguably even more valuable in our lives. Money helps us move in the world as we know it, but when did we start feeling guilty for accepting help in the many forms help comes?
Ultimately we all have to ask ourselves when, and if, we are crossing boundaries. We are all in this together, and we are always in two-way agreements, whether we know it or not. There are always two people to a choice, and in my view “mooching” is a misunderstanding to what can unfold when paradigms are cut through and people are allowed to give what they have to one another, mutually, and with joy and love.
Thank you for the great questions and discussion.

” By ‘mooching’ (or even just accepting) parental gifts, are we failing to stand on our own two feet? Does it make us morally wimpy or just really, really lucky?”
Perhaps I’m biased here, because I have accepted the help of my mother and grandparents many times.. but I say no, it does not indicate a failure to stand on ones own. I’m of the mind that family (and/or friends) can help each other out from birth to death, with no need for guilt or feelings of inadequacy. The only problem I could see would be if it was never reciprocated or paid forward, or if nothing was ever done without the financial help of family.
Without my grandparents help, we would not have had our first car (or our second, after returning from a 6 year military assignment overseas), a house, and we’d still be paying my husband’s college loans. Without my mom, there are a few times we would have lost utilities or been unable to buy groceries. Recently, my puppy suffered an acute illness and would have died were if not for help. Am grateful it was there.
I’ve have not reciprocated financially.. yet. My time will come, and I hope when it does, my children are open to it. My oldest is 18 and have no intention of cutting the apron strings. Loosening, yes. But, he’s my child. Always will be. As long as I am alive, I will offer whatever help he needs.
“So… when is it acceptable to accept generosity from the elder generation, and when is it not? Weigh in below!”
Simple. When generosity is offered, it’s acceptable to take it.

I’m going to be the lone voice on here to have this viewpoint. When I was 18 my parents dropped me off at college and I had to get a job. I paid my own books, phone bills, etc. There was not one day in college or since that I have not had a or multiple jobs. When I was done with school my parents made it quite clear there was no moving back. I got several jobs, got a roommate, scrambled was poor but then got better jobs and better places to live and now no roommate.
Meanwhile this past summer I dated a guy who was unemployed/underemployed for 2+ years and living at homewith his parents. He was not paying rent, any household bills, or really a tivy looking for ANY employment or mixture of part time jobs that would get him off thei couch.
Beyond his always spending time at my place, my having to pay for myself on every date and actually found myself buying food and toothbrushes for when he stayed over, while I struggled to work full-time and go to grad school, pay rent and the expenses that come with adulthood responsabilites, Mr. Mooch was planning trips on his many days off with his unemployment money.
It finally became quite clear what a mooch he was when his mother let slip that SHE was buying him new tires the very week after he came back from a weekend roadtrip where he blew $600+ traveling, eating out and buying himself clothes. A real adult would have stayed home because he can’t afford to travel and bought his own damn tires. That’s what I would have done.
And the final final straw was when Mr. Mooch talked about buying himself a $1100+ mountain bike and $800 skis. He can’t even house, clothe, feed himself. He doesn’t even buy his own TP or toothbrushes. He’s not an adult. He’s a sponge.
I’m sorry but I’ve been financially independent for 11+ years now. It’s been a struggle at times but I’ve persevered. I know I can take myself no matter what comes my way. And that is the most priceless gift my parents have given me. Better than any jewelry, car or handouts, I can do for myself and no one has funded my attempts at adulthood. As a matter of fact, I don’t think you can even call yourself an adult until not only do you no longer use your parents money, you refuse to use your parents money and can live the lifestyle that you can afford on your own sweat off your own brow.

My wife has let her now 45 year old son live with us for almost 5 years. He contributes NOTHING to the household. My wife doesn’t want him to leave. I’ve told her that I think she has a very serious problem. We’ve been married 29 years. We won’t see 30 if sonny boy isn’t gone soon! Oh, did I mention she gave him MY car!!??

This is an ongoing problem in America. These 20,30 and 40 something dirtbags are definately a contributing factor with our economic problems here. They don’t like paying their bills because mom and dad will take care of it or grandpa/grandma will. Dad! i’m behind on my rent, ok, here’s 1000. Then when they get paid on friday they have extra money to hang out and party with their friends.I have family members who pay their fucked up kids’ bills. This shit is going on all over the country. I’m 57 years old and my parents gave my food and clothes. That’s it! Any of that other stuff my mom simply said “Go flip some burgers or sell your ass!

The unemployment rate in the usa is now 25%. There always have been people who believe they are entitled to the good life and to mooch off of someone. These people are too lazy to get a job . The day of reckoning is at hand get ready my friends.

Sister is 43 and borrowed money from our parents to pay her taxes. She is married with 2 kids. She doesn’t see a problem she borrows 20 for gas, 20 for this and that. +orrows to taKe off and go somwhere. She never pays them back. There are 4 more of us, we have never done that to our parents ever. They no longer work and are on a fixed income. We aRe really starting to resent her. Oh by the way our parents basically raised her kids! She always dumped her kids off on our parents.

My husband and I have been very frugal and responsible with our money. However, his brother and his wife have been mooching off their parents who feel sorry for their financial state. While we were working and saving hard, the brother and wife were spending hard. Now that we are in very good financial situation, the parents feel sorry for the brother and want to help keep him afloat thus the giving. We recently started giving money to their children for college savings but was told that the money has been spent on a luxurious playhouse because there was no need to save for college since grandmother will surely foot the college tuition. I would not doubt this will happend when the grandparents see our children heading to college (with our own money) and will probably feel sorry for the brother’s children. I just couldn’t believe what I heard. How do you deal with a sibling like this?

My son age 45 is living with my husband and I. He was out a work off and on for two years. Then he had three eye surgeries which kept him off of work. He still has one more surgery to go to put a lense back in his eye. This should be next month.
NOW, my son has a history of not paying his bills, he has take advantage of me before when he lived in a rental I had. He even left it a mess for me. He has now lived here over 6 months. He has not offered any food money or board. He has child support. He is working full time now.
What do I do? I am thinking that he needs to start to pay R&B starting next week. How much? I want him out on his own. Making him pay should be a good first start dont you think??
I wonder what I did wrong that he is so irresponsible with money.

I am 22 and live with my Dad. (My mom is deceased)
I have lived on my own, although it was with a boyfriend, for about a year and a half until last April. The whole time this happened, living situations and basic necessities were fairly unstable at best.

I’ve been in different situations where at certain times I knew what I wanted to do in life, and what kind of career I may want, but that isn’t happening at this point.

I pay for what I need, groceries, part of the gas/electric/water bill and a small amount of rent, which I think is a help to my Dad, and I don’t feel I’m the true definition of a “moocher.”

More than anything, besides obvious things like having my own job/home/path in my life, what I want is to know that when my Dad can no longer support me that I will be able to stand on my own two feet without having to worry about how I can support myself. I know that I probably have around 20 more years before that would happen, but I want a real life of my own well before then…and I want to hear from more people who are like me, stuck at home with parents, but who are contributing and want their own lives. I have heard plenty already from parents and it’s easy to guess what the majority of them think, I would just like to hear more from the people who are lumped in with actual moochers but really are just trying to find a life of their own.

Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this.

The agreement: I’ve lived on my own since I was 23. I’m 32 now. I was laid off a couple of years ago from a job I’d had for almost 8 years, so I got unemployment benefits, went back to school, finished my Bachelor’s, and now that I’m done with my degree I’m looking for work again. My parents have helped me throughout this process. They paid for my classes, and as far as my living expenses they’ve let me me work for them and when there wasn’t enough work they let me get into debt to them. But if I wasn’t going to school or working or at least very actively looking for a job? They wouldn’t help me. If someone is doing their best they should be helped. But they need to do their best to qualify for the help.

The disagreement: There are a lot of mooches that have hundreds of millions of dollars. A thousand thieves went into the business of selling people houses they couldn’t afford on shady terms, and another thousand sold that debt as an asset using investment instruments which were effectively designed to fail. And banks went right along with it.

And they all got bailed out. And all of us are the ones that paid for it.

Why waste your time being angry at some lazy nitwit who mooches his living expenses and an $800 bike out of his parents when that CEO who just drove the corporation into the ground is getting a $10 million bonus from all his friends on the Board of Directors?