When is it time to cut the parental purse-strings? It seems
these days that's happening later and later - or never, at least among some of the
people I know. Maybe it's because our parents' generation earned more or saved
more wisely than my own, but I seem to be part of a subset that's (at least
partially) subsidized by loving, doting parents.
One friend I know uses her mother as her mortgage holder.
Others accept help putting their kids through private school. I myself have
been the recipient of my family's largess too often to enumerate. It's been an
enormous help.
But is it wrong?
Well, for one thing, in my family, love and money sometimes get confused, and I'm sure I'm not alone there. My folks have been known to show their affection and concern, though not exclusively, in the form of cold, hard cash. Perhaps that's a funny way to express love. Or maybe it's just an example of the selflessness of which parents are uniquely capable. Mostly, in my family, I sense it's the latter. But it sets up a fraught dynamic, one in which I, as the recipient, must work really hard not to 'expect' a bailout.
I'd like to pose the question to you readers: By 'mooching' (or even just accepting) parental gifts, are we failing to stand on our own two feet? Does it make us morally wimpy or just really, really lucky?
For myself, I try to walk a fine line. I don't ask my folks to 'subsidize' my life, and I pay my own bills, 100%. However, I've accepted gifts of things I couldn't afford, or wouldn't have bought for myself - little luxuries they seem to take pleasure in providing. Still, it makes me uneasy about the pattern it sets up. After so many years of benevolent generosity, I tend to think of the parental well as bottomless, and forever open to dip my cup into. And I know there are those who'd think less of me for this. Believe me, I strive to curb my infantile urges as much as I can. At times, it's extremely difficult to say no to such kindness, and at times, I've definitely sought that kindness out, but I don't like to think of myself as some perpetual baby bird, beak open and squawking. My parents deserve, at some point, to know they can tuck away their wallets and rest assured that they raised a kid who can take care of herself. I want them to know my love and filial duty aren't conditional on anything, least of all money. Still, I do love the things money can buy. And, though I don't need it in my day-to-day life, it's wonderful to know I have that added security of parental reinforcement if anything should go horribly wrong (and in this economy, that feels frighteningly possible).
So... when is it acceptable to accept generosity from the elder generation, and when is it not? Weigh in below!
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I struggle with this every day. Thirteen years ago when my father died (they were 79) he made me promise I would take care of my mother. I was living away from home at the time. I have three other siblings, all married, with nice houses, retirements, etc. When I moved home my oldest brother told her to make me pay rent...I refused, as I am her primary caregiver. Since then I have not been able to work full time, but, except for the "free room and board" have pretty much paid my own way until this year when my mother broke first one, and then the other hip. Now I work even fewer hours as I wait for her to come home from the nursing home. My bills are going unpaid, my siblings resent that I have to beg money from her (my father left her very well off), but, I am doing all the care for her that they would not do, as it would inconvenience their lives. Additionally, I am putting off marrying again as I don't want to bring my debt (school, medical bills) to life with my new husband. My three siblings each go home to their spouses every night, and because I am taking care of my mother in her home, I do not. What ever I get from her, I earn.
This is a very difficult time in most people's lives. Accepting or needing help is not always a sign of weakness or failure. True, there are those who do nothing and ask for everything, but that is not really what the writer is talking about. It sounds to me as though her parents buy her luxuries she can't otherwise afford. Things she can live without, but what I read in these comments are primarily people who are experiencing misfortune based on the very difficult financial crisis many of us are facing in this country.
Many cultures put away their "riches" for their grandchildren, to pay for their educations, homes, etc. Whatever they deem appropriated once they reach a certain age (usually 30). I don't see this happening much anymore. Seems we all want more and more and more.
Consumerism has left us all wanting, grasping, and failing to find happiness. For those who work to sustain a relatively simple lifestyle, just paying the mortgage or rent can't be challenging.
We all need help sometimes... and if we're blessed with family who are willing to extend a hand our responsibility is to accept it graciously, without guilt (would you want to give GUILT with a gift??) but with gratitude and determination to do our best for ourselves and give when others are in need.
I don't think it matters: family, parents, brothers, sisters, neighbors, strangers... in giving we receive.
As one of those generous parents, my daughter is providing me the opportunity to show compassion and share. She is giving me a gift. I do not view it as a burden but rather as a blessing. She has hit on hard times. That is when family steps in and teaches the lessons of being able to accept charity with grace and gratitute. She too is learning lessons. Together, we are traveling life's road and learning to support each other in hard times. Someday, it will be my turn to have to accept. I hope I can be as graceful about it as my daughter. We are learning the true meaning of compassion.
One of the most ingrained cultural paradigms of our industrialized century has been independence=success. In order for an American individual to be considered worthy and successful, he or she has been increasingly marketed and pandered to by the credit industry and the consumer society that being financially salient and self standing is the only way to be OK. It wasn't always this way, in fact, if we look just a few hundred years back beyond our country's birth, we see evidence of societies that were much less individualistic and much more extended and communal, not only out of necessity, but because it gave them a sense of appreciation of the truly important things in life.
As with anything there are extremes to an individual's responsibilities and abuse of their own capacity to serve themselves and others, and to benefit their own life and the lives of others as opposed to draining it. I wonder what our societal measuring tool means in this case: if we do only believe that people are ok if they are financially independent, then what about the millions of people in our culture and in cultures all over the world who are living on less than what most would consider even an amount that scratches us by? Some people in our American system are looked down upon because they "mooch" off a system, or off their parents. Does this adjective really apply? Since we know that relationships are always a mutual decision who is zooming who? Is it fair to overlook the complexities that exist in this troubled economy and how the unjust practices and misguided thinking that material things will make us happy...have played a part in our collective conditioning?
I think it is a gift to give of oneself and one of many forms is your money...but it is only one form of so very many gifts. Your listening ear to an elder, your time for children, your assistance with daily tasks, your elbow grease to help ease the burden of a neighbor or friend, ...all these and so many more are arguably even more valuable in our lives. Money helps us move in the world as we know it, but when did we start feeling guilty for accepting help in the many forms help comes?
Ultimately we all have to ask ourselves when, and if, we are crossing boundaries. We are all in this together, and we are always in two-way agreements, whether we know it or not. There are always two people to a choice, and in my view "mooching" is a misunderstanding to what can unfold when paradigms are cut through and people are allowed to give what they have to one another, mutually, and with joy and love.
Thank you for the great questions and discussion.
" By 'mooching' (or even just accepting) parental gifts, are we failing to stand on our own two feet? Does it make us morally wimpy or just really, really lucky?"
Perhaps I'm biased here, because I have accepted the help of my mother and grandparents many times.. but I say no, it does not indicate a failure to stand on ones own. I'm of the mind that family (and/or friends) can help each other out from birth to death, with no need for guilt or feelings of inadequacy. The only problem I could see would be if it was never reciprocated or paid forward, or if nothing was ever done without the financial help of family.
Without my grandparents help, we would not have had our first car (or our second, after returning from a 6 year military assignment overseas), a house, and we'd still be paying my husband's college loans. Without my mom, there are a few times we would have lost utilities or been unable to buy groceries. Recently, my puppy suffered an acute illness and would have died were if not for help. Am grateful it was there.
I've have not reciprocated financially.. yet. My time will come, and I hope when it does, my children are open to it. My oldest is 18 and have no intention of cutting the apron strings. Loosening, yes. But, he's my child. Always will be. As long as I am alive, I will offer whatever help he needs.
"So... when is it acceptable to accept generosity from the elder generation, and when is it not? Weigh in below!"
Simple. When generosity is offered, it's acceptable to take it.
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