Joan Ball is a business professor at St. John’s University in New York and the author of Flirting with Faith: My Spiritual Journey from Atheism to a Faith-Filled Life.
Holly Rossi over at Fresh Living asks a question in her post, When Should You Confront a Smoker? A great question in my opinion, and it got me thinking.
My dad was, quite simply, the definition of a chain-smoker. And he was a doctor, which made his addiction an unforgivable hypocrisy in my mind as a child. As I grew older, I realized things weren’t so black and white — however, my breaking point came when he became so ill that he needed to be in the hospital, needed a wheelchair and an oxygen tank, and still insisted on being wheeled downstairs for a smoke. One time, he lit up in his hospital room, inviting a visit from the hospital manager and a security guard. I still blush when I think of it.
So, when I see my friends puffing away, it’s hard to keep my mouth shut. It’s not really socially “acceptable” to preach the evils of smoking, is it? But when you’ve seen firsthand how it ravages the body of someone you love, it’s hard to keep quiet. Yet I do keep quiet…and I have to wonder, is that as bad as not speaking up if I see someone about to take a leap off a building?
Ok, that may be a bit extreme.
Holly and I seem to be of similar minds on this one; we’re both hesitant to speak for fear of sounding preachy and judgmental. What do you think?
posted December 1, 2009 at 3:39 pm
Every smoker I’ve met knows smoking is bad for you, knows they should quit, etc. Why do I need to say something they already know. If someone is impacting me or someone who has no choice, like a child, with their second hand smoke then I would say something.
posted December 1, 2009 at 3:44 pm
I don’t think you should ever worry about sounding preachy or judgmental when it comes to confronting someone about his/her smoking habit – particularly if he/she is a loved one. I would even go so far as to say that you don’t need to worry about it, even if you are a former smoker. You just never know – something you say may convince them to quit this time.
I smoked and used smokeless tobacco for 24 years, and my wife never gave in; she never accepted my habit as something she was just going to live with. For years I had to sneak around to use tobacco, because she wouldn’t allow me to do it in front of her. She told me that every time I used tobacco, I was stealing time away from our family – because one day, it could likely be the death of me.
Lovingly, gently confront them. Don’t give up.
posted December 1, 2009 at 3:52 pm
By the way, I quit all forms of nicotine/tobacco 4-1/2 years ago — cold turkey!
posted December 1, 2009 at 6:02 pm
Hi Paddy. Great topic. As a former smoker I can tell you that, when I still smoked, no amount of nagging could have convinced me to change my ways. I already WANTED to stop, I just couldn’t for the longest time because the addiction was so strong. Every time someone said, “it’s bad for you” I wanted to smack them. I was thinking the whole time, “no duh! you think I *like* that I’m addicted?” It felt like a criticism no worse than what I was already telling myself, and as such, I just felt weak and ashamed and then resentful of the people nagging me. Still, there are those who actually, unlike me, do enjoy smoking, and comments about smoking piss them off even more.
These days, having been smoke free since 1997, I am so exquisitely sensitive to the – now disgusting – smell I can’t even hug a smoker. I hate it SO much when I’m walking down the street and someone ahead of me is smoking and I walk into a cloud of their carcinogens. FEH! Reformed smokers are the most sanctimonious!
posted December 1, 2009 at 7:07 pm
My mother and my husband’s mother both died of smoking. I feel obliged to talk to people I like who smoke about the consequences. (And that’s how I generally phrase it: “It bothers me when people I like smoke.”)So what if they already know it’s bad for them? It’s the least I can do.
posted December 2, 2009 at 1:42 pm
As was mentioned, the person already knows the dangers of smoking. Mentioning the dangers may drive a wedge between you and your friend. It is OK to share your honest feelings. If you are worried about their smoking, or it makes feel sad, you can share this with a friend. How would they know your feelings if you don’t tell them. Don’t mention it frequently, but you should mention it at least once.
Involve your friends in nonsmoking activities. You can be a leader among your friends by volunteering or organizing a sports outing. Now days just about any activity is a nonsmoking activity.