Everyday Ethics

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Friday November 20, 2009

Mooching Off Your Parents: An Adult Child's Perspective

When is it time to cut the parental purse-strings? It seems these days that's happening later and later - or never, at least among some of the people I know. Maybe it's because our parents' generation earned more or saved more wisely than my own, but I seem to be part of a subset that's (at least partially) subsidized by loving, doting parents.

One friend I know uses her mother as her mortgage holder. Others accept help putting their kids through private school. I myself have been the recipient of my family's largess too often to enumerate. It's been an enormous help.

But is it wrong?

Tuesday September 15, 2009

Friends And Money: An Uneasy Mix

Neither a borrower nor a lender be,
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.

Polonius, Hamlet Act 1, scene 3, 75-77

Good advice from one of Shakespeare's flightier characters.

This weekend a good friend and I were road-tripping in upstate New York, and she shared a story with me about another friend with whom she was having an issue. Over the summer, she said, this friend had made a promise to her that, if she visited her, she'd help pay her airfare for the trip. Well, my friend made the trip, and, suffice it to say, afterward the "help" was not forthcoming.

For a variety of reasons, my friend wasn't comfortable directly confronting her friend with a request that she honor her promise. But she wouldn't have made that trip had it not been under that understanding that it'd be partly subsidized - she's on a very tight budget, as so many of us are. And, in the past, she'd helped her friend out in similar ways, so it would have been tit for tat, not a handout. Now she's left feeling sore at her friend, and short on cash. Not a great place to be.

Such incidents are hardly unique. And they don't just happen among friends. Family feuds over money are the stuff of cliche and sit-com for a reason. But I think when money comes between friends it's a particular ethical dilemma. I know when it's me, I have to strike a balance between my own interests and the desire to keep my friend happy; the need to please and the need to feel I've been treated fairly.

In my own experience, resentments like these can fester; the only solution that works for me is to be very clear up front. If accepting a favor of any kind, have a plan for paying it back, if not in kind then in some other fashion that seems equitable. If lending something out, I try to make it something I won't mind losing if it never comes back to me. And if I am giving something to a friend in exchange for a service like a car tune-up or a paint-job on my house, (never a great idea if I can avoid it), I remind myself up front that however they end up delivering that service, I've paid for it like any other. The money is just money, and it's better to let go of that than someone dear to me.

Have you ever lost a friendship because of money? Tell us your experience in the comments field below.

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Wednesday September 9, 2009

What-If Wednesday: Your Doctor Cheats the Insurance Company -- For You

Dental plans are the worst, aren't they? Some of you may remember my worst-date story in which I also described an accident that resulted in a mouthful of broken teeth - after paying more than half those costs out-of-pocket, I feel traumatized simply walking past a dentist's office.

So I must admit there's a part of me that's a bit jealous of this dilemma - apparently a New York City dental office is overcharging insurance companies so that the patients will not have to pay their deductible or share. Case in point, the patient who passed along this dilemma had two cavities filled but discovered the office charged the insurance company for four fillings so that she would end up paying nothing. When she questioned the discrepancy, the receptionist admitted that the doctor did it "as a courtesy to patients" and it could be removed if she wanted.

Wow. A kindly dentist...or, a conniving cheat?

What should she do? After all, she's not the one committing the...fraud? (Not quite sure of the legalities) However, she is the one benefiting from it. Does the ball now lie in her court to correct the deception?

What would you do? Count your lucky stars for finding a guardian angel of a dentist? Or simply kiss those dollar bills goodbye in the name of honesty?

Monday August 3, 2009

Moral Monday: Homeless Man Bequeaths Millions to Non-Profits

Happy Moral Monday! This morning I wanted to share a story that warmed my heart when I read about it on NPR last week -- a homeless man leaving millions to several non-profits, including NPR.

When NPR's Richard Siegel heard his station listing a funding credit in the name of Richard Walter's estate, he was curious who this mystery man was. Naturally, he Googled him. What he found was a surprising  story; Walter's (who died two years ago) had been an engineer from AlliedSignal Corp.; an honors graduate of Purdue with a master's degree; and a Marine. But when he retired, he gave up more than a career, he gave up all his material possessions -- he became homeless. He slept on the grounds of a senior center and ate at a hospital.

Walters didn't become an aimless, shell of a man we so often imagine homeless people to be. He was involved in investing, and paid his income taxes. He had friends -- good friends such as Rita Belle, a nurse he met at a senior center and who eventually became the executer of his estate.

And at the end of this material-free life, he split his $4 million between different causes. NPR received $400,000, as did several other non-profits, including the Catholic mission in Phoenix where Rita Belle works (Belle also received a bequest).

Growing up, I would read Hindu stories about shedding one's earthly confinements to reach Moksha, the final release from one's worldly conception of self. That sounds great, I would think, but what about those you leave behind? Wasn't it ultimately selfish to shed your responsibilities in order to achieve something solely for yourself?
 
That's a complicated question of an ancient philosophy, but for me, this is a story about a man who shed his earthly attachments without forgetting to care for the world he left behind.
 
Of course, since Walters was a self-professed atheist, I doubt he would appreciate the religious meaning I take from his actions. Still, I consider him well-worth a mention on Moral Monday.

Thursday July 2, 2009

Morality: Does It Come From the Heart or the Head?

I came across an interesting argument today by way of a friend, who sent me a link to an article in Fast Company magazine. I thought I'd share it because it asks an important question: are we ethical for logical reasons, or emotional ones?

The authors come to a surprising conclusion: the gut is more ethical than the brain. 

The article (it is in Fast Company, after all) draws an interesting parallel to our current financial woes, and to predatory lending practices and sub-prime mortgages. The suggestion is that lenders and investors knew in their guts they were making unethical choices, while their heads were telling them to keep taking extraordinary risks. Take a read through the article and share your thoughts!

Monday June 22, 2009

Sarah Palin's Ethical Debt -- More than $500,000

And here we see the financial implications of ethics -- Sarah Palin says that she is more than $500,000 in debt due to "frivolous" ethics complaints brought against her by her fellow Alaskans. No doubt some of these charges are...

Thursday May 28, 2009

Is the Lottery Ethical?

There's a lot of chatter on the 'net today about the lottery. Seems someone from South Dakota just won the Florida lottery, to the tune of 222 million dollars.Nice going. I'm sure that unnamed person will suddenly have a lot of...

Thursday May 14, 2009

Credit Card Responsibility--Yours, Mine, and Theirs

So I'm sitting at home watching President Obama's Town Hall speech about credit card debt. Having just spent half the morning on the phone dealing with my credit card company, trying to get my card information straightened out, I'm fed...

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About Everyday Ethics

This blog is all about ethics. It's also about us--ordinary people facing ordinary situations. It's about asking ourselves the hard questions: What responsibility do we bear in our interactions (and yes, confrontations) with the people we meet? How do we best respond to those around us in a way that leaves us feeling good about ourselves and confident our behavior has done no harm? Have we helped or hurt our fellows in these moments? It's our belief that by asking some big questions (and some little ones too) we can grow as humans. We're glad you're along for the ride!

About the Authors

Hillary Fields
Hillary Fields is a New York-based writer, editor and web producer.
» Posts by Hillary Fields
Padmini Mangunta
Padmini Mangunta is a writer and editor with a Journalism degree from the University of Missouri-Columbia.
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