On a sunny morning in June, 2003, two days after my 37th birthday, I had an unsolicited, unexpected and unbelievable encounter with God. Put more simply, without asking, praying or seeking, I woke up one morning a churchgoing agnostic (following years of rabid atheism) and put my head to the pillow that night a newly minted, highly unlikely Christian. I wish I could say my radical conversion happened gently…all harps and angels and light…but that was not my experience. On the contrary, I was nauseous, had trouble catching my breath and felt like there was a 500 lb weight on my chest. I thought I was having a heart attack. But here’s the kicker. A lifelong skeptic who was, at times, militantly anti-Christian, I suddenly believed without hesitation that the Christian story that I had frequently railed against was true. I couldn’t have told you what that story was, but I knew without the luxury of details that it was all true. Now this might make some sense if I needed a spiritual experience. Say if I was fighting a serious illness or was down on my luck financially-or maybe if I were struggling with a painful loss or trying to navigate a tough personal challenge. But I didn’t need a spiritual experience. As far as I was concerned, my life was perfect. I was a successful PR executive making a healthy six-figure salary, married to my best friend who also made a six-figure salary. We had three healthy, happy kids and lived in our dream home about an hour northwest of New York City. I was seven years sober and had faced down most of my major issues/resentments in a program of recovery. Life was pretty good. Yet, there I was-sick, crying and convinced that something beyond my comprehension had happened to me. No one was more surprised than my husband Martin, who was there with me when it happened. He had been a Christian since he was a kid and knew the extent to which I thought the whole Christian thing was a contrivance. I had fought vigorously over coffee and cigarettes to convince him that religion had been created by leaders to control the masses or by weak individuals to soften the blow of their incapacity to deal with their day to day lives. He never did come around to my way of thinking, but I figured if he could overlook the fact that I was an alcoholic single mother with two kids and marry me, I could overlook the fact that he was a Christian and marry him. So here I was, convinced that this Christian thing was true, with no idea what that really meant. What followed was years of learning that is discussed in much greater detail in a book that I am writing. Suffice it to say that I learned that following Christ and living by the dictates of the Holy Spirit does not always add up to the overly simplified “join the team and your life will be wonderful” message that I have heard so frequently. As a matter of fact, the years since that day in 2003 have been some of the most difficult I have ever encountered. We have lost more than you can imagine-money, possessions, prestige and people. And yet, I would not turn back for the world. So, now I’m trying to make sense of this new life. Attempting to go beyond predictable platitudes in order to allow this change of heart to lead to a genuine change of life. This blog will chronicle the day to day joys and trials of my journey and raise some key questions and challenges I face as I find my place in a faith that still confounds me.
Lent is one of those Christian traditions that everyone seems to know about, Christian or not. I remember encountering Lent in my school days through the kids who’d show up with dirt on their heads complaining that they couldn’t eat chocolate or drink soda until Easter. Like so many Christian traditions, it made little sense to me. I mean, really. What possible reason would God have to care about who did or did not eat chocolate or drink soda?
I can’t say that my impression of Lent changed much since I became a Christian in 2003. Few people I knew actually “did” Lent. It was mentioned, but more as an archaic afterthought then a relevant spiritual practice, which suited me fine since I like chocolate (although I could do without the soda.)
But this year the Holy Spirit connected the dots between two seemingly disparate parts of my broad and somewhat mismatched spiritual community in a way that compelled me to take on Lenten observance for the first time. In this case, it was an unintentional visit to Holy Cross Monastery in New York last year during Holy Week and a happenstance Twitter connection with a blog called Godspace, which is written by a woman named Christine Sine, the Executive Director, liturgist and “chief gardener” at a non-profit called Mustard Seed Associates.
Here’s the short version of real-time example of bridging the ancient to modern gap.
I wandered into Holy Cross last year scatterbrained, writing on deadline, with no sense of the fact that the Tuesday to Friday stay I’d arranged covered the first half of Holy Week. As with Lent, I understood the Maundy Thursday, Good Friday observances intellectually, but had not developed a heart for them that extended beyond the hour or two I spent in quiet services if I even chose to attend them. When I arrived at Holy Cross, where I had been a somewhat frequent visitor, I learned that there were several observances scheduled. Observances like the monks washing the feet of their guests and both the monks and their guests keeping watch overnight with Jesus.
For those of you who came up in the church, this may seem mundane or typical, but for me it was anything but. I had read the words of these stories, but to recreate them in this way both repelled and attracted me. It was too intimate for me. Too real. I didn’t want to participate, but a part of me knew that I had to participate – more out of awe and gratitude than duty or obligation.
So I did. And it was uncomfortable and humbling and it left me with a reverence for Holy Week that I was reminded of when Christine Sine sent out some information on Twitter about her desire to get dozens of people to blog about their experiences and thoughts on Lent. This led me to dig a little deeper about the meaning of Lent.
I’d never considered that Lent was the experiential equivalent of my Holy Week encounter. A physical, emotional and intellectual preparation that extends Holy Week backward into the desert. More tomorrow on how I hope to use Christine’s Lenten Guide to make my first Lent more than a chocolate fast. For now I’ll just thank Twitter and the Monks and ask if anybody reading wants to share their story (why you do or do not practice) during this first week of Lent. Would love to hear from you…
Joan
posted March 2, 2009 at 9:15 pm
Let me be the first to officially congratulate you on your Beliefnet blog! I am overjoyed and honored by our ‘new’ old friendship Joan and excited to read your book when it comes out. I know from what you’ve already shared with me that it will move and affect (or is that effect?) many people who are on a quest for more spirituality in their lives.
Have I told you yet that I’m not sure if I’m a Christian? I vacillate and ponder and struggle every day with my spirituality. Granted, I did convert to Catholicism and attend mass religiously (like that pun?) but I change my beliefs like my underwear and told the priest that I would be the worst Catholic he ever had. I did not lie. I took an online test, perhaps on Beliefnet and Catholicism came it at 23rd for me. 23rd!!!!! I didn’t even know there were that many religions out there.
I hope to learn more and be able to comment and contribute to your blog when I can. I know you’re hoping for this to be an open ‘safe’ sanctuary for people to exchange their spiritual musings so I’ll check in daily and spread the word not THE WORD because I don’t know where I stand on that yet.
Perhaps tomorrow I’ll let you know how my Lenten observance is going. I am one of those who was dumb enough to give up chocolate and alchohol. I haven’t broken the first yet……..oh sh*t, yes I have, there is chocolate on my granola bars. Damn! I thought I was doing great on that one!!!!!! UUUUUHHHHHHH big sigh….
I did break my fast with wine last night. I went to a family dinner party at my sister’s house and my ex-husband poured me a glass of Chianti for the toast. I justified it by saying I didn’t drink the wine in church when I went up to receive communion. I know…bad, bad, girl. But when an Italian (from Italy) offers you a glass of wine for a toast to your own sister, I ask you, would you say no?
Well Joan, sorry, this is your blog, not mine. Perhaps I’ve overstayed my welcome?
Peace, Love and Light to you.
Andi
posted March 2, 2009 at 10:32 pm
Well, Andrea, you are officially the poster child for this blog. In fact, I’m going to cut and paste the meat of your comment into a post of its own. I’m convinced that God had an eye on me for decades before I came to believe. Who knows why some people are sure and others wander? The best we can do is lock arms, keep moving forward and wander there together.
And as for ‘cheating’ on Lent, I am finding that this Lent thing is more about remembering than it is about performing…
posted March 3, 2009 at 1:06 am
Joan: Best regards and best wishes on your newest endeavor. I wholeheartedly request (gee, demanding fan on only day two) that you post your essay “I’m not that cool anymore”. It is a poi ant piece of modern day journalism, and will gain you numerous followers. I (more so than Andi), are so far from ‘mainstream faith’, but Sociology does suggest that a culture needs something like a family and something like a religion. Its a nice sentiment to view your suggestion of “locking arms and wandering together”-Thanks for being inclusive to those who are not necessarily reformed, or born again, or hold beliefs differing from yours. That’s dialogue. As for the topic at hand-Lent. I have to say I never understood just giving something up. What’s the point? Why not take it to the next level-which makes more of an impact upon humanity-and ‘give it to someone’ who needs it, never had it, or could use it!
posted March 3, 2009 at 8:03 am
Joan…I have always viewed disciplined people with such high regard because I knew I could never be that way. Part of my internal wiring is to add value to the people in my life by being a free wheeling, fly by the seat of my pants kind of person. So being me…the grass is alway better being like someone else. For me, I always wanted to be like a John Wesley who could be silent, journal, pray, and read the bible for hours.
I have grown more comfortable in my own skin over the years and recognize that my way of being can add value to the kingdom. However, nothing makes my world expand like engaging in those odd, uncomfortable, slow moving practices of the early christians. I could never spend a week in a monastery, but the experience of having my feet washed, and washing the feet of a stranger reminds me how shallow my understanding of love and service really is.
Good work!
posted March 3, 2009 at 10:55 am
Joan,
I am loving your blogs. As a believer who always wanted to observe Lent but never really put it into practice I am inspired.
I can’t wait to read what happens next!!
T
posted March 3, 2009 at 11:28 am
Hey babe, great post. I did think of giving something up for lent like many other people, but I didn’t quite make it. Working progress …… yea that’s me. See you later, love you
posted March 3, 2009 at 4:41 pm
Joan, first let me say congratulations and best of luck.
I was raised in the church, my mother made us go every Sunday. I am not sure when I stopped going (maybe 14 yrs old) but I do remember how important it was for me to find a church when we decided to have a child. I wouldn’t agree to anything until we found a church. I have never participated in lent. I could say it’s because I never finish what I start, I could say it’s something that I don’t understand. Instead I’ll admit the truth. I struggle everyday with being a child of God. Not because I don’t believe, because I do. It’s because I don’t always feel worthy and I also feel like I would be doing it for all the wrong reasons. Thank you for this blog Joan. Love ya.
posted March 3, 2009 at 7:08 pm
Gigi: Thank you so much for stopping by and for being so honest. I’ll be interested to learn more about the experience you and your family are having with church. Love you too.
posted March 3, 2009 at 8:58 pm
Hi Joan,
I too saw kids at school with the ashes and not being raised Catholic, didn’t understand the meaning of it. Even now when I see the ashes it’s such a public sign of your faith. I envy the Catholic’s for never being timid about wearing them. Your experience sounds like it was really eye opening and makes it all so real, not just a story.
Weezy
posted March 4, 2009 at 7:40 pm
Hi Weezy: I always thought that Lent was a Catholic thing and have been surprised to learn that many Protestants practice it as well. No shortage of things to learn about this faith!
posted March 6, 2009 at 5:30 pm
Joan you need to let the folks at Beliefnet that their system stinks! Some of us need more than 5 minutes to type a response and if the little number thingy on the bottom expires we lose all we typed! I tried hitting the back button to retrieve my lengthy post but alas it’s in the void somewhere now and I don’t have the patience left to retype right now.
posted March 6, 2009 at 10:14 pm
Hey Andrea: Sorry we missed what I am sure was an awesome post. If you are working on a Mac try Control Z rather than hitting ‘back’ and you may be able to retrieve work that has otherwise disappeared.