On a sunny morning in June, 2003, two days after my 37th birthday, I had an unsolicited, unexpected and unbelievable encounter with God. Put more simply, without asking, praying or seeking, I woke up one morning a churchgoing agnostic (following years of rabid atheism) and put my head to the pillow that night a newly minted, highly unlikely Christian. I wish I could say my radical conversion happened gently…all harps and angels and light…but that was not my experience. On the contrary, I was nauseous, had trouble catching my breath and felt like there was a 500 lb weight on my chest. I thought I was having a heart attack. But here’s the kicker. A lifelong skeptic who was, at times, militantly anti-Christian, I suddenly believed without hesitation that the Christian story that I had frequently railed against was true. I couldn’t have told you what that story was, but I knew without the luxury of details that it was all true. Now this might make some sense if I needed a spiritual experience. Say if I was fighting a serious illness or was down on my luck financially-or maybe if I were struggling with a painful loss or trying to navigate a tough personal challenge. But I didn’t need a spiritual experience. As far as I was concerned, my life was perfect. I was a successful PR executive making a healthy six-figure salary, married to my best friend who also made a six-figure salary. We had three healthy, happy kids and lived in our dream home about an hour northwest of New York City. I was seven years sober and had faced down most of my major issues/resentments in a program of recovery. Life was pretty good. Yet, there I was-sick, crying and convinced that something beyond my comprehension had happened to me. No one was more surprised than my husband Martin, who was there with me when it happened. He had been a Christian since he was a kid and knew the extent to which I thought the whole Christian thing was a contrivance. I had fought vigorously over coffee and cigarettes to convince him that religion had been created by leaders to control the masses or by weak individuals to soften the blow of their incapacity to deal with their day to day lives. He never did come around to my way of thinking, but I figured if he could overlook the fact that I was an alcoholic single mother with two kids and marry me, I could overlook the fact that he was a Christian and marry him. So here I was, convinced that this Christian thing was true, with no idea what that really meant. What followed was years of learning that is discussed in much greater detail in a book that I am writing. Suffice it to say that I learned that following Christ and living by the dictates of the Holy Spirit does not always add up to the overly simplified “join the team and your life will be wonderful” message that I have heard so frequently. As a matter of fact, the years since that day in 2003 have been some of the most difficult I have ever encountered. We have lost more than you can imagine-money, possessions, prestige and people. And yet, I would not turn back for the world. So, now I’m trying to make sense of this new life. Attempting to go beyond predictable platitudes in order to allow this change of heart to lead to a genuine change of life. This blog will chronicle the day to day joys and trials of my journey and raise some key questions and challenges I face as I find my place in a faith that still confounds me.
Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Joan Ball
and I’m the newest blogger on the Christianity channel at Beliefnet. As I sit
here on my living room couch considering the best way to kick off this new
adventure, a single question is running in a repetitive loop in my head,
haunting me to distraction.
“Who do you think you are?”
“Who do you think you are?”
“Who do you think you are?”
It is a sensible question, really. In many ways, I
don’t have what many people would consider to be the “right” credentials to
take this on. I grew up in a secular home and, after some half-hearted seeking
in college, landed as a militantly anti-Christian atheist throughout my 20s.
I converted from atheism to belief in a “power greater than
myself” in addiction recovery in my 30s, but still remained highly
skeptical of organized Christianity and most Christians until I had a rather
dramatic conversion experience in 2003.
Two days before my 37th birthday, without asking,
praying, seeking or even needing a come-to-Jesus moment, I went from thinking
that the whole Christian thing was a contrivance to becoming a sold out,
throw-down-your-nets-and-follow Christian. Without an altar call or the threat
of hellfire and brimstone, I had an encounter that I cannot explain that resulted
in a faith I cannot deny.
What followed has been five years of learning and
changing that has called into question everything I ever thought I knew about
Christianity. I wish I could say that this change of faith has lived up
to the “join our team and your life will be wonderful” mantra I heard
so frequently as an outsider looking in, but no such luck. In fact, the years
since that day in 2003 have been some of the most difficult I have ever lived. I’ve
been stripped of money, possessions and prestige as I’ve followed the leading
of the Holy Spirit in an uncertain direction. And I am so glad I did.
Going beyond predictable platitudes and allowing
this change of heart to lead to a genuine change of life, I’ve found that many
of the things I once thought were important were actually false comforts. I’ve
found in this faith a new definition of what it means to be rich.
So, without a PhD in Theology or big answers to the
big questions that surround my faith and the church, I come to Beliefnet to
share my journey.
“Who do I think I am?”
I am an ordinary woman who had an encounter with an
extraordinary God that continues transform me from the inside out. As a result,
I find myself in places I never expected to be with a life that is countercultural and radical – more than it ever was when I sought to live a life that
was countercultural and radical. A mysterious and exciting life that I never
imagined I would find as a follower of Jesus.
That is why I am excited about writing for
Beliefnet. I hope Flirting with Faith will be a safe place for us to share our
stories and to learn from one another.
How about you? I’d love to hear who you think you are…
posted March 1, 2009 at 4:56 pm
Joan,
Congrats on your new blog and your very first post! i am so proud of you!
i am a Christ-follower who gets it more wrong than right but ny G-D’s grace i keep going!
Warmest Regards,
Adele
posted March 1, 2009 at 5:30 pm
What a great story you have, Joan! I look forward to hearing more about the journey you’re on with the Supreme Lover.
More of us need to speak out and debunk the myth that A) God needs our machinations to reveal God’s self to us; B) Following God gives you a ticket to the American dream, when it really wrecks your life in all the best ways; and C) We have any chance of putting life with God in any box we can understand or control. Ain’t it great!
To answer your question/request at the end, I think i’m a 45 year old Christ-pursuer who known God as long as I can remember; became a “Christian” at 12; was a “believer” but not much of a “doer” for far too many years; and am just learning what it means to be a avid pursuer and lover of the One who pursued and loved me first, most and best…
posted March 1, 2009 at 5:38 pm
I know what you mean. All my deepest experiences with God have happened when I was looking the other way.
posted March 1, 2009 at 6:27 pm
Many congratulations on your new blog Joan. Hope this is the beginning of another exciting road for you to travel on. I look forward to hearing more about the extraordinary journey you’ve already undertaken.
To answer your question, I have no idea any more who I think I am. Because of events going on in my life, I’ve realized I’m not who I thought I was at all. I’m currently rethinking things through, accompanied by much soul-searching and prayer. I’ve made many mistakes getting to here, and no doubt I’ll be making many more in my onward journey.
posted March 1, 2009 at 6:44 pm
Great question to begin your presence on this belief network and frankly, a question to ponder for a lifetime. I share my answer with a profound Lutheran theologian and pastor who pondered this same question from a cell room during the holocaust as this very question of identity probed his own soul and search for meaningful existence. Again, a helpful perspective to engage our curious minds during such turbulent times.
Who Am I? by Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Who am I? They often tell me
I stepped from my cell’s confinement
Calmly, cheerfully, firmly,
Like a squire from his country-house.
Who am I? They often tell me
I used to speak to my warders
Freely and friendly and clearly,
As though it were mine to command.
Who am I? They also tell me
I bore the days of misfortune
Equally, smilingly, proudly,
Like one accustomed to win.
Am I then really all that which other men tell of?
Or am I only what I myself know of myself?
Restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,
Struggling for breath, as though hands were compressing my throat,
Yearning for colors, for flowers, for the voices of birds,
Thirsting for words of kindness, for neighborliness,
Tossing in expectation of great events,
Powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance,
Weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,
Faint, and ready to say farewell to it all?
Who am I? This or the other?
Am I one person today and tomorrow another?
Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,
And before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling?
Or is something within me still like a beaten army,
Fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?
Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.
Whoever I am, Thou knowest, 0 God, I am Thine!
~ March 4,1946
I look forward to listening to you and sharing in God’s journey in and through you my friend.
fractured peace,
Dave
posted March 2, 2009 at 1:29 am
Thanks Dave.
“Who am I? This or the other? Am I one person today and tomorrow another? Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others, And before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling?”
These are amazing words. I have not read much of Dietrich Bonhoeffer, although he is one of those writers whose name and quotes I encounter frequently in the work of people I respect (like yours). Thank you for this.
posted March 2, 2009 at 1:34 am
You and me both, Paul. Lots of mistakes getting here and likely more to come. Best we can do is continue to move forward and trust that guidance is available if we get out of our own way and simply follow. Thanks for stopping by and I hope to hear more about your journey.
posted March 2, 2009 at 1:36 am
Thanks for sharing Sharon. Look forward to hearing more about that!
posted March 2, 2009 at 1:41 am
Welcome Magenta! I always love to connect with people who have been at this since they were kids. Hope to learn more about what changed to help you to learn “what it means to be an avid pursuer and lover of the One who pursued and loved you first, most and best…”
posted March 2, 2009 at 1:42 am
Thanks for stopping by Adele. I think you get lots of things right!
posted March 2, 2009 at 7:16 am
it is very difficult to break through the barrier to authenticity . . . via youtube and conversantlife, in blog posts oozing self-regard, through intouch ministries, twitter, facebook, 12seconds, blogtalkradio, or in a 400-page narrative sold in walmarts nationwide.
in god we trust, but beliefnet pays . . . cash?
is there any connection between your book, fox interactive media’s advertising delivery platform, and spiritual obedience training. please indicate who, besides rupert, holds a stake in this ‘faith-based’ charade.
posted March 2, 2009 at 11:41 am
Welcome to the blog world, and it sounds like you have a great deal to share.
May inspiration flow into your keyboard and posts, and may you find friends and irons that sharpen and shape you, that likewise helps others.
Warmly, Jason
posted March 2, 2009 at 11:44 am
http://steelspinedsoul.wordpress.com
Congratulations on your first post! It’s funny after almost 10 years in ministry I still wonder, “Why me?” Many blessings on your journey forward.
posted March 2, 2009 at 5:09 pm
What an ingenious first post! I wish I had time to respond with similar thoughtfulness, but I’m on deadline and can’t procrastinate another minute. (Wait, I think I just answered the question about who I am, at least in part.
I’m a procrastinator.)
In any event, kudos on the new blog, and best wishes for the road ahead.
posted March 2, 2009 at 7:00 pm
Thanks Patton. For everything. I look forward to hearing more about your new venture.
posted March 2, 2009 at 7:01 pm
Great to see you here Pam, and great to read your blog! I hope to see you here for a guest post one day soon.
posted March 2, 2009 at 7:07 pm
Hey Eve: It’s clear that you doubt the sincerity of my story and, if you are anything like me, there is nothing I could say or do to change that. That said, I’m glad you’re here to keep my feet to the fire. Be well.
J
posted March 2, 2009 at 7:09 pm
Thanks for stopping by Jason. I hope to share some of the interesting things you are doing at Deep Church in this space. J
posted March 2, 2009 at 11:28 pm
hey Joan,
Where are Eve & Jason’s posts? I can only see your responses…?
posted March 3, 2009 at 12:11 am
Hey Andrea: Click on view all comments or the yellow comments line with the number (currently 19) in parenthesis. This will expand the view so you can see all of the other comments.
posted March 3, 2009 at 3:05 am
flirting with –and finding– faith.
how can you flirt with something ‘unfound’?
do you mean “finding –and flirting with– faith”?
or is it the jingle what is most important?
posted March 3, 2009 at 11:30 am
Who do you think you are? I know who you are, you are awesome !!! Love you bye
posted March 3, 2009 at 11:44 am
Hey Joan,
Congratulations on this blog! I’m sure you’ll have many great stories and insights to share. Blessings to you with this new creative venture.
posted March 3, 2009 at 2:21 pm
I wanted to tell you that I am quite proud of you. I am so excited about your book and can’t wait to read it. I look forward to reading about your journey and am glad you have a relationship with God. I have always had one with Him but as my life changes and the years pass, my relationship grows stronger. I am grateful for that! I am finally where I have always longed to be for many years (spiritually) and your work will allow others to get where they want to be. Bless you old friend and continue blessing others with your words!!
posted March 3, 2009 at 2:23 pm
For whatever reason my name didn’t show in my comment. The above comment is from me Stacey!
posted March 5, 2009 at 12:55 pm
I also cant wait for your book,Iam 50yrs old and I always wondered if I was flirting faith but it goes to show that God does move in a very misteriuos way.
posted October 29, 2010 at 8:48 pm
Glad to have your voice, Joan, convey God’s message for His people today. Everywhere I turn, I have been meeting Christians–the details vary, but the lessons from the Lord are all the same: surrender, submit, desire GOD above all elseand ALONE(rather than desiring what He can DO for you and His material “gifties”),be PRESSED into His bosom in dependence because of the severe trials God is allowing His children to experience. The Enemy knows his time is short; so does God know our time is short and He is busy getting us ready (refining us) for Eternity!—Victoria
posted November 17, 2010 at 12:08 pm
Joan, just want to thank you for the article you wrote in Nov 2010 issue of Charles Stanley. The fire is already there for me. It’s your prayers that I’m going to add to mine. Christ’s best blessings to you.
posted November 27, 2010 at 9:37 pm
Thanks Rick! Blessings to you.