On a sunny morning in June, 2003, two days after my 37th birthday, I had an unsolicited, unexpected and unbelievable encounter with God. Put more simply, without asking, praying or seeking, I woke up one morning a churchgoing agnostic (following years of rabid atheism) and put my head to the pillow that night a newly minted, highly unlikely Christian. I wish I could say my radical conversion happened gently…all harps and angels and light…but that was not my experience. On the contrary, I was nauseous, had trouble catching my breath and felt like there was a 500 lb weight on my chest. I thought I was having a heart attack. But here’s the kicker. A lifelong skeptic who was, at times, militantly anti-Christian, I suddenly believed without hesitation that the Christian story that I had frequently railed against was true. I couldn’t have told you what that story was, but I knew without the luxury of details that it was all true. Now this might make some sense if I needed a spiritual experience. Say if I was fighting a serious illness or was down on my luck financially-or maybe if I were struggling with a painful loss or trying to navigate a tough personal challenge. But I didn’t need a spiritual experience. As far as I was concerned, my life was perfect. I was a successful PR executive making a healthy six-figure salary, married to my best friend who also made a six-figure salary. We had three healthy, happy kids and lived in our dream home about an hour northwest of New York City. I was seven years sober and had faced down most of my major issues/resentments in a program of recovery. Life was pretty good. Yet, there I was-sick, crying and convinced that something beyond my comprehension had happened to me. No one was more surprised than my husband Martin, who was there with me when it happened. He had been a Christian since he was a kid and knew the extent to which I thought the whole Christian thing was a contrivance. I had fought vigorously over coffee and cigarettes to convince him that religion had been created by leaders to control the masses or by weak individuals to soften the blow of their incapacity to deal with their day to day lives. He never did come around to my way of thinking, but I figured if he could overlook the fact that I was an alcoholic single mother with two kids and marry me, I could overlook the fact that he was a Christian and marry him. So here I was, convinced that this Christian thing was true, with no idea what that really meant. What followed was years of learning that is discussed in much greater detail in a book that I am writing. Suffice it to say that I learned that following Christ and living by the dictates of the Holy Spirit does not always add up to the overly simplified “join the team and your life will be wonderful” message that I have heard so frequently. As a matter of fact, the years since that day in 2003 have been some of the most difficult I have ever encountered. We have lost more than you can imagine-money, possessions, prestige and people. And yet, I would not turn back for the world. So, now I’m trying to make sense of this new life. Attempting to go beyond predictable platitudes in order to allow this change of heart to lead to a genuine change of life. This blog will chronicle the day to day joys and trials of my journey and raise some key questions and challenges I face as I find my place in a faith that still confounds me.
I kicked off my first Lent with great enthusiasm and expectation. I wasn’t sure exactly what it was that I expected, but I imagined it would be difficult to spend 40 days stretching the boundaries of comfort and routine to focus on my spiritual life without it having an impact. I even signed up to periodically blog the experience as part of a Lenten Synchroblog endeavor inspired by Christine Sine at Mustard Seed Associates. My first synchroblog post ended with an “I’ll write more tomorrow” teaser ending that I planned to follow up on the next day.
So far so good…or so it seemed.
I never did write that second blog post. I wish I could say that the reason was profound. That the Holy Spirit led me in a different direction or something. No such luck. The real reason was far less savory. I never actually “did” Lent.
This was not an intentional decision. It started with a simple slip off of my self-imposed Lenten wagon that quickly spiraled into a one-day-at-a-time descent. I thought about it, prayed about it and felt a bit guilty about it for about two weeks before it went out of my mind completely and I never looked back.
What would Jesus do? Not this.
But this shouldn’t really be a big surprise to me. I frequently set out to create a new disciplines in my life (think New Year’s Resolutions) only to find myself unable to achieve genuine transformational change. I learned in recovery and continue to learn through my faith in Jesus that when I set out to make a change by force of will it is rarely sustained. On the other hand, when I turn things over to a power greater than myself (for me the Father, Son and Holy Spirit) it tends to bear fruit. I can’t explain the ins and outs of how this works, but I have come to believe that every genuine (and worthwhile) shift in my character since I first converted from atheism to agnosticism more than a decade ago – and more recently when I converted from agnosticism to Christianity – has been due to surrendering to something outside of myself. I think that’s where I went wrong with this Lent endeavor.
So, rather than chalking it up to “human nature” and moving forward like it never happened, I have decided to try again. Forty days from today puts me at May 22. I don’t know exactly what I should be giving up or how I should be amending my days – I will be praying, seeking and, most importantly, listening to find that out today.
What I do know is that I am entering into “Take 2″ on Lent 2009 with a little less enthusiasm and a lot more humility on the heels of my failed first attempt. It will be interesting to see how it goes this time around.
posted April 13, 2009 at 11:04 am
Hi…feel for you…I slipped off a couple of times by having carry out meals (take aways). That’s what I usually give up for Lent though I was once known to abstain from coffee! Interestingly, from that one I didn’t slip!
Anyhow…have you considered “taking up something for Lent”? Maybe an extra time of prayer/devotion or reading chapter by chapter some book that has been sitting around waiting for “the right time”? I wish you well on your private Lent – that will be much more difficult than doing it when others are on the same journey.
I have a priest friend (now a bishop) who gave up television other than one news broadcast per day…that was tough! Another one began to study a new language – he was a bit of a genius at language learning and over a decade or more did a new one each year then visiting the country for an extended visit during the summer!
posted April 13, 2009 at 11:30 am
You’re not the only one. Although I’m not a Christian, this year I decided to really “do Lent.” I don’t know how many times I messed up (and reminded myself that Lent isn’t supposed to be fun), but whenever I did, after saying to myself, “oh, shoot. Lent. Right” I picked myself up, dusted myself off, and started over again.
Good luck with Lent 2009 Take Two!
posted April 13, 2009 at 11:33 am
“Lent Take Two” – LOVE IT! Every year I try – - and every year I fail. This year it was replacing Pepsi w/ journaling. I still journaled more, but usually with a Pepsi on the table beside me. Sigh.
posted April 13, 2009 at 4:14 pm
Thanks for stopping by Barbara. I find that doing ANYTHING for 40 days that is outside of the norm is difficult. I find myself actually looking forward to “Take 2.” Who knows how long that will last…
posted April 13, 2009 at 6:09 pm
What a perfect opportunity to share something about lent I was told years ago. I attended catholic grade school, ( 2nd through 8th)..yes, predominately nuns! To this day I have never forgotton what one of the nuns told us. In so many words she said that everyone had it wrong, we were not to GIVE up something for Lent, but to GIVE something for Lent. Hmmmmm. So, while everyone around me asked, “so, what are you giving up?”, (with so many ‘doing” chocolate so they could reap their ‘reward’ via a basket on Easter morning!), I found myself rethinking it. So, (particularly as an adult), I will privately make a ‘pact’, between myself and God, as to what I will do for others during this “40 days” that I might realistically be carried over into my ‘regular” everyday life..lol..at times more challenging to come up with something than to give up that potatoe chip craving at times, I can assure you. Thoughts?
posted April 13, 2009 at 8:54 pm
Hi Leanne: What great advice those nuns gave you. I think that my challenge with this first Lent is leading me to really examine what it means to surrender my life (giving to, giving up, giving in). As so frequently happens, the failed first pass leads to a deeper learning the second time around. One of these days I’ll figure out a way to learn the easy way instead of the hard way…
posted April 13, 2009 at 8:56 pm
Hi Annapurna: I am fascinated by your decision to “do Lent” although you are not a Christian. Do you follow a particular faith or was this an exercise in personal discipline?
posted April 13, 2009 at 8:59 pm
Elizabeth: Thanks for your comment. It is interesting that you brought up the language example. I have felt for more than two years that I am supposed to become fluent in Spanish, but I start and stop my studies. Your comment inspired and convicted!