On a sunny morning in June, 2003, two days after my 37th birthday, I had an unsolicited, unexpected and unbelievable encounter with God. Put more simply, without asking, praying or seeking, I woke up one morning a churchgoing agnostic (following years of rabid atheism) and put my head to the pillow that night a newly minted, highly unlikely Christian. I wish I could say my radical conversion happened gently…all harps and angels and light…but that was not my experience. On the contrary, I was nauseous, had trouble catching my breath and felt like there was a 500 lb weight on my chest. I thought I was having a heart attack. But here’s the kicker. A lifelong skeptic who was, at times, militantly anti-Christian, I suddenly believed without hesitation that the Christian story that I had frequently railed against was true. I couldn’t have told you what that story was, but I knew without the luxury of details that it was all true. Now this might make some sense if I needed a spiritual experience. Say if I was fighting a serious illness or was down on my luck financially-or maybe if I were struggling with a painful loss or trying to navigate a tough personal challenge. But I didn’t need a spiritual experience. As far as I was concerned, my life was perfect. I was a successful PR executive making a healthy six-figure salary, married to my best friend who also made a six-figure salary. We had three healthy, happy kids and lived in our dream home about an hour northwest of New York City. I was seven years sober and had faced down most of my major issues/resentments in a program of recovery. Life was pretty good. Yet, there I was-sick, crying and convinced that something beyond my comprehension had happened to me. No one was more surprised than my husband Martin, who was there with me when it happened. He had been a Christian since he was a kid and knew the extent to which I thought the whole Christian thing was a contrivance. I had fought vigorously over coffee and cigarettes to convince him that religion had been created by leaders to control the masses or by weak individuals to soften the blow of their incapacity to deal with their day to day lives. He never did come around to my way of thinking, but I figured if he could overlook the fact that I was an alcoholic single mother with two kids and marry me, I could overlook the fact that he was a Christian and marry him. So here I was, convinced that this Christian thing was true, with no idea what that really meant. What followed was years of learning that is discussed in much greater detail in a book that I am writing. Suffice it to say that I learned that following Christ and living by the dictates of the Holy Spirit does not always add up to the overly simplified “join the team and your life will be wonderful” message that I have heard so frequently. As a matter of fact, the years since that day in 2003 have been some of the most difficult I have ever encountered. We have lost more than you can imagine-money, possessions, prestige and people. And yet, I would not turn back for the world. So, now I’m trying to make sense of this new life. Attempting to go beyond predictable platitudes in order to allow this change of heart to lead to a genuine change of life. This blog will chronicle the day to day joys and trials of my journey and raise some key questions and challenges I face as I find my place in a faith that still confounds me.
Internet communication on blogs, Facebook, Twitter and the like seem to receive either high praise or deep concern with regard to the future of interpersonal communication. On the one hand, there are those who text, Tweet and update their status on every move they make. Others are skeptical, citing their perception that these services promote narcissism and shallow relationships. I suppose there’s an argument to be made either way since these services are tools, not unlike a hammer, in the hands of human beings with different intentions.
Until then, meet kenneth…
I don’t mean it as a swipe at Christianity or Christians. I just like to troll beliefnet a bit, spar a little with the conservatives read diZierga and anyone else who has something interesting that day. I couldn’t resist a cheesy one-liner.
My own spiritual journey just took me in a different direction. I grew up Catholic in the 70s and 80s when it was much less dogmatic and shrill than now, went the altar boy route, the whole bit, for a time even wondered about the priesthood. Ironically, 12 years of Catholic school taught me some good critical thinking skills and I decided the idea of original sin and salvation was rubbish, that I wasn’t going to prostrate myself before some Semitic storm god and that the whole of institutionalized religion was corrupt. I was a secular humanist for about a decade until I came to know a number of pagans, Their world view and sense of ethics appealed to me greatly, and even though I found myself in sympathy with them, I thought it absurd that an educated man in this day and age would style himself a “witch”.
I laid the whole thing aside for the better part of seven or eight years but was drawn to it more strongly with time. The long and short of it was that Goddess was calling me, and I answered when I finally had the shred of wisdom and insight to walk that path. At age 35, I knew it wasn’t some Goth fantasy or parental rebellion. When I went to my first large circle gathering, I felt like I had been called home from exile. I wept both for the time I was lost and Her grace in returning me to my tribe. On one other occaision I had a true experience of being in Her presense. Pure radiant timeless gentle, mother’s love.
Had a valuable but stormy three-year involvement in a coven, learned a lot about myself and what constitutes a healthy group dynamic (or not). Got married in our tradition. Learned some hard lessons and had life’s usual setbacks, but never once regretted my journey. I still have a certain amount of bad blood with institutional Christianity and political Christianism in general, but I try never to hold it against individual pracitioners. I try to extend the presumption that their faith journey is genuine (a courtesy not always reciprocated). I have also come to know that anyone I encounter in this life might have something to teach me, and some of the most valuable bits come from those outside of my world view. I wish you all well on your journeys.
posted July 2, 2009 at 4:13 pm
It’s definitely and eye catcher.
posted July 2, 2009 at 4:17 pm
Excellent post Kenneth and I’m truly glad you are at peace now with your faith. I am fairly certain that Joan’s conversion was equally as powerful for her as your’s was for you though they seem to head in opposite directions.
I had a somewhat similar journey, though my conversion call came after being a solitary pagan for over 20 years when I was told I had to become a Catholic. Of all things! A Catholic! I can’t tell you how hard I fought it. I begged Her, I pleaded with Her but in the end the sign She sent was so clear there was no denying it.
I was told I wouldn’t understand the reason why and I would continue to question and fight it for 10-15 years and 3 years later I’m still bucking and kicking but I attend Mass every Sunday and enjoy it, though I don’t buy into the dogma or politics of organized religion.
The message that was given to me by a 3rd party, a perfect stranger no less, in direct answer to my silent, soulful and heartfelt prayer was ‘It does not matter what name you call ME by, there is room under my mantle for all.’ followed by, ‘Never belittle the level another person is on because we are all on a path to God and you can never know where another person is on their journey.’ This is paraphrased as there was much more told to me of a personal nature and it was told to me in Italian so it isn’t verbatim.
Blessing on your journey.