On a sunny morning in June, 2003, two days after my 37th birthday, I had an unsolicited, unexpected and unbelievable encounter with God. Put more simply, without asking, praying or seeking, I woke up one morning a churchgoing agnostic (following years of rabid atheism) and put my head to the pillow that night a newly minted, highly unlikely Christian. I wish I could say my radical conversion happened gently…all harps and angels and light…but that was not my experience. On the contrary, I was nauseous, had trouble catching my breath and felt like there was a 500 lb weight on my chest. I thought I was having a heart attack. But here’s the kicker. A lifelong skeptic who was, at times, militantly anti-Christian, I suddenly believed without hesitation that the Christian story that I had frequently railed against was true. I couldn’t have told you what that story was, but I knew without the luxury of details that it was all true. Now this might make some sense if I needed a spiritual experience. Say if I was fighting a serious illness or was down on my luck financially-or maybe if I were struggling with a painful loss or trying to navigate a tough personal challenge. But I didn’t need a spiritual experience. As far as I was concerned, my life was perfect. I was a successful PR executive making a healthy six-figure salary, married to my best friend who also made a six-figure salary. We had three healthy, happy kids and lived in our dream home about an hour northwest of New York City. I was seven years sober and had faced down most of my major issues/resentments in a program of recovery. Life was pretty good. Yet, there I was-sick, crying and convinced that something beyond my comprehension had happened to me. No one was more surprised than my husband Martin, who was there with me when it happened. He had been a Christian since he was a kid and knew the extent to which I thought the whole Christian thing was a contrivance. I had fought vigorously over coffee and cigarettes to convince him that religion had been created by leaders to control the masses or by weak individuals to soften the blow of their incapacity to deal with their day to day lives. He never did come around to my way of thinking, but I figured if he could overlook the fact that I was an alcoholic single mother with two kids and marry me, I could overlook the fact that he was a Christian and marry him. So here I was, convinced that this Christian thing was true, with no idea what that really meant. What followed was years of learning that is discussed in much greater detail in a book that I am writing. Suffice it to say that I learned that following Christ and living by the dictates of the Holy Spirit does not always add up to the overly simplified “join the team and your life will be wonderful” message that I have heard so frequently. As a matter of fact, the years since that day in 2003 have been some of the most difficult I have ever encountered. We have lost more than you can imagine-money, possessions, prestige and people. And yet, I would not turn back for the world. So, now I’m trying to make sense of this new life. Attempting to go beyond predictable platitudes in order to allow this change of heart to lead to a genuine change of life. This blog will chronicle the day to day joys and trials of my journey and raise some key questions and challenges I face as I find my place in a faith that still confounds me.
It is starting to really hit me. I wrote a book and it comes out in April. Sure, there are things to do between now and then, but the train is rolling and I am on it. The writing part was challenging…and wonderful. A friend asked recently if it was cathartic and – although I hadn’t considered it before – I’d have to say it was.
But now there’s the other part of the writing process. The part that bridges the writing with the reading. The part where I am expected to say and do the things that people say and do to create the kind of buzz that sells books.
Yuck.
Yes, I have a story. Yes, I would love people to read it. But what is the line between sharing a story and prostituting it? Is my book and my story really the Bigger! Better! Faster! More! story of spring 2010? Do I have the right to cast it as such just to get it read? Is the marketplace for music, theater, art and literature such that we face a choice — big buzz or speaking our stories into nothingness? Is there a way to strike a balance that stays true to the art, the artist and the story?
Would love to hear you on this…
posted July 11, 2009 at 2:32 pm
I struggle with this myself. I love creating art, but when it comes to the commerce…not so much. Part of it is the insecurity that it will actually sell, and part of it is that I don’t want to dilute the work by making it a commodity. It’s such a hard balance when everything is driven by numbers.
posted July 12, 2009 at 1:01 am
there’s only so much you can do with a personal narrative about conversion to christianity.
http://www.conversantlife.com/writing/calling-all-writers
you say in your youtube book promo that had attained personnel contentment before the miraculous event. but you later write how about your eating, alcohol. and drug abuse problems. explaining this might be a good idea.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IqA2VU3LVSw
if you plan on promoting the book, my advice would be to either get rid of the http://www.flirtingwithfaith.com/ blog or change it radically. no one likes an ugly webpage.
posted July 12, 2009 at 8:10 am
Thanks for your honest (and, unfortunately, accurate) assessment of some of the materials out there right now. The web page was a shell we were playing with and abandoned due to its ugliness. Working on a new one now and should have disconnected the link.
As for the happiness vs problems question, that is one of timing. I was about 7 years sober and my life had become very comfortable when all of this happened. That’s part of what made it so strange (to me anyway).
Let me just tell you how grateful I am for your feedback. I know we don’t agree on a lot of things, but your watchful eye is sure to keep me honest. Thanks.
posted July 12, 2009 at 8:11 am
Thanks Avril. Care to share how have you have approached it?
posted July 12, 2009 at 11:54 pm
About the only way to make the major leagues with sales in something like this is if you remake yourself into a self-help guru with something that Oprah thinks would be profound for her audience. If it’s about one person’s journey, it will make for good reading but tough selling, unless its the kind of story where lots of people can relate. Best of luck with it though.
posted July 13, 2009 at 10:33 pm
Joan,
Be yourself as the book comes out. Based on just what I have read on your blog I believe it is probably a story that will stand on its own. Some people will probably pan it but some people will probably say ‘that’s me!’and it will be meaningful to them