On a sunny morning in June, 2003, two days after my 37th birthday, I had an unsolicited, unexpected and unbelievable encounter with God. Put more simply, without asking, praying or seeking, I woke up one morning a churchgoing agnostic (following years of rabid atheism) and put my head to the pillow that night a newly minted, highly unlikely Christian. I wish I could say my radical conversion happened gently…all harps and angels and light…but that was not my experience. On the contrary, I was nauseous, had trouble catching my breath and felt like there was a 500 lb weight on my chest. I thought I was having a heart attack. But here’s the kicker. A lifelong skeptic who was, at times, militantly anti-Christian, I suddenly believed without hesitation that the Christian story that I had frequently railed against was true. I couldn’t have told you what that story was, but I knew without the luxury of details that it was all true. Now this might make some sense if I needed a spiritual experience. Say if I was fighting a serious illness or was down on my luck financially-or maybe if I were struggling with a painful loss or trying to navigate a tough personal challenge. But I didn’t need a spiritual experience. As far as I was concerned, my life was perfect. I was a successful PR executive making a healthy six-figure salary, married to my best friend who also made a six-figure salary. We had three healthy, happy kids and lived in our dream home about an hour northwest of New York City. I was seven years sober and had faced down most of my major issues/resentments in a program of recovery. Life was pretty good. Yet, there I was-sick, crying and convinced that something beyond my comprehension had happened to me. No one was more surprised than my husband Martin, who was there with me when it happened. He had been a Christian since he was a kid and knew the extent to which I thought the whole Christian thing was a contrivance. I had fought vigorously over coffee and cigarettes to convince him that religion had been created by leaders to control the masses or by weak individuals to soften the blow of their incapacity to deal with their day to day lives. He never did come around to my way of thinking, but I figured if he could overlook the fact that I was an alcoholic single mother with two kids and marry me, I could overlook the fact that he was a Christian and marry him. So here I was, convinced that this Christian thing was true, with no idea what that really meant. What followed was years of learning that is discussed in much greater detail in a book that I am writing. Suffice it to say that I learned that following Christ and living by the dictates of the Holy Spirit does not always add up to the overly simplified “join the team and your life will be wonderful” message that I have heard so frequently. As a matter of fact, the years since that day in 2003 have been some of the most difficult I have ever encountered. We have lost more than you can imagine-money, possessions, prestige and people. And yet, I would not turn back for the world. So, now I’m trying to make sense of this new life. Attempting to go beyond predictable platitudes in order to allow this change of heart to lead to a genuine change of life. This blog will chronicle the day to day joys and trials of my journey and raise some key questions and challenges I face as I find my place in a faith that still confounds me.
Summer is here in the US, a season many of us
long for. I love being outdoors in warm weather, especially being from the east coast where we only get two very hot months. It’s the time when I plan my vacation and
recreation.
We rarely stop and think about familiar words like vacation and recreation. Vacation is when we “vacate” to somewhere new. Recreation is a time for God to “re-create” and replenish us from that which
has been poured out.
Selah is a musical term that we see throughout the
Old Testament psalms more than seventy times (remember the psalms were actually
songs written, mostly by David who accompanied many of them on his harp.) Selah
is not to be spoken, nor is a note to be played. Instead, when a Selah came,
the music was supposed to stop; a rest period in the midst of a beautiful melody.
Sabbatical, on the other hand, comes from the
word Sabbath, when God, who created Heaven and earth, actually stepped back,
rested and stopped. Unfortunately, many of us do not know how to rest nor stop.
Look at Michael Jackson, whose life and death
has filled our television-screens and our hearts over the past weeks. I grew up
with Michael’s music. He, being only a year younger than me, felt like my
teenage friend when he was with the Jackson Five.
Many of the reports on his life and last days
have highlighted that he was not comfortable in his own skin and that he
couldn’t sleep nor rest without medication. What a tragedy that one who
triumphed in his musical ability was unable to rest long enough to enjoy the life
that he lived or the music he played.
In my first pastorate, I asked for a one year
sabbatical to honor the contract we agreed upon. Many leaders from around the
world called and told me that if I took a sabbatical I would lose my church. I
told them if I didn’t take a break, I’d lose myself, and that was far worse
because then both the church and me would be gone. I successfully took the
sabbatical and now grants are given all over the country for clergy
sabbaticals. Rest did not result in ruin.
It is summertime. Even though many of us cannot take
a year or even a month long sabbatical, we can use this time to re-group, re-prioritize and refresh – becoming more comfortable in the skin we’re in and honoring God in the process.
posted July 10, 2009 at 5:12 pm
I completely resonate with this blog. I am a music education major at Northern AZ University. I am involved in MANY different things, and completely fill my days and calendar with “stuff” I have to do. I decided to reprioritize my life this summer… But in doing that, I’ve lost some of my interests in practicing all the time, or studying music. Now all I want to do is work out, read books (mostly faith based), and go to weekly discussions with my community at LCM. Though I must admit, every Sunday I practice playing piano and singing for worship, and I still love music…
I guess what I’m saying, is during this process or time of recreation, I become so consumed with re-creating myself, re-prioritizing that trying to find a balance with everything becomes very difficult…
Any suggestions?