On a sunny morning in June, 2003, two days after my 37th birthday, I had an unsolicited, unexpected and unbelievable encounter with God. Put more simply, without asking, praying or seeking, I woke up one morning a churchgoing agnostic (following years of rabid atheism) and put my head to the pillow that night a newly minted, highly unlikely Christian. I wish I could say my radical conversion happened gently…all harps and angels and light…but that was not my experience. On the contrary, I was nauseous, had trouble catching my breath and felt like there was a 500 lb weight on my chest. I thought I was having a heart attack. But here’s the kicker. A lifelong skeptic who was, at times, militantly anti-Christian, I suddenly believed without hesitation that the Christian story that I had frequently railed against was true. I couldn’t have told you what that story was, but I knew without the luxury of details that it was all true. Now this might make some sense if I needed a spiritual experience. Say if I was fighting a serious illness or was down on my luck financially-or maybe if I were struggling with a painful loss or trying to navigate a tough personal challenge. But I didn’t need a spiritual experience. As far as I was concerned, my life was perfect. I was a successful PR executive making a healthy six-figure salary, married to my best friend who also made a six-figure salary. We had three healthy, happy kids and lived in our dream home about an hour northwest of New York City. I was seven years sober and had faced down most of my major issues/resentments in a program of recovery. Life was pretty good. Yet, there I was-sick, crying and convinced that something beyond my comprehension had happened to me. No one was more surprised than my husband Martin, who was there with me when it happened. He had been a Christian since he was a kid and knew the extent to which I thought the whole Christian thing was a contrivance. I had fought vigorously over coffee and cigarettes to convince him that religion had been created by leaders to control the masses or by weak individuals to soften the blow of their incapacity to deal with their day to day lives. He never did come around to my way of thinking, but I figured if he could overlook the fact that I was an alcoholic single mother with two kids and marry me, I could overlook the fact that he was a Christian and marry him. So here I was, convinced that this Christian thing was true, with no idea what that really meant. What followed was years of learning that is discussed in much greater detail in a book that I am writing. Suffice it to say that I learned that following Christ and living by the dictates of the Holy Spirit does not always add up to the overly simplified “join the team and your life will be wonderful” message that I have heard so frequently. As a matter of fact, the years since that day in 2003 have been some of the most difficult I have ever encountered. We have lost more than you can imagine-money, possessions, prestige and people. And yet, I would not turn back for the world. So, now I’m trying to make sense of this new life. Attempting to go beyond predictable platitudes in order to allow this change of heart to lead to a genuine change of life. This blog will chronicle the day to day joys and trials of my journey and raise some key questions and challenges I face as I find my place in a faith that still confounds me.
This is the second part of a previous post where I introduced kenneth, a commenter on the blog whose spiritual journey has taken him from Catholicism to Paganism. Toward the end of his story, he makes a statement that I found particularly compelling. He writes:
“I still have a certain amount of bad blood with institutional Christianity and political Christianism in general, but I try never to hold it against individual pracitioners. I try to extend the presumption that their faith journey is genuine (a courtesy not always reciprocated). I have also come to know that anyone I encounter in this life might have something to teach me, and some of the most valuable bits come from those outside of my world view. I wish you all well on your journeys.”
It is upon this premise, I believe, that Beliefnet.com is built. And yet, I often wonder how frequently people from one tradition (meaning within the broad spectrum of Christian traditions as described in a recent post or those who choose another faith) actually cross boundaries and share their stories, rather than debating, with one another.
Excellent post Kenneth and I’m truly glad you are at peace now with your faith. I had a somewhat similar journey, though my conversion call came after being a solitary pagan for over 20 years when I was told I had to become a Catholic. Of all things! A Catholic! I can’t tell you how hard I fought it. I begged Her, I pleaded with Her but in the end the sign She sent was so clear there was no denying it. I was told I wouldn’t understand the reason why and I would continue to question and fight it for 10-15 years and 3 years later I’m still bucking and kicking but I attend Mass every Sunday and enjoy it, though I don’t buy into the dogma or politics of organized religion. The message that was given to me by a 3rd party, a perfect stranger no less, in direct answer to my silent, soulful and heartfelt prayer was ‘It does not matter what name you call ME by, there is room under my mantle for all.’ followed by, ‘Never belittle the level another person is on because we are all on a path to God and you can never know where another person is on their journey.’ This is paraphrased as there was much more told to me of a personal nature and it was told to me in Italian so it isn’t verbatim. Blessing on your journey.
I would love to hear more of your stories and share them here. Short snapshots on where you began and where you are today in your journey toward or away from God. If enough people write in I will do it weekly – say every Saturday. If not, I will do it when the stories come in. If you have a story that you’d like to share, email it to me at flirtingwithfaith@gmail.com. Please make it 500 words or less and know that I may do some slight edits – not of content, but for typos and flow.
posted July 4, 2009 at 12:25 pm
It’s a great concept and I hope it inspires an interesting discussion. Most of the blogosphere consists of people preaching to their own choirs or yelling at each other, and it’s all fun to indulge in from time to time, but it’s terribly predictable and not very elightening at all.
The ARIS survey certainly shows that faith identity is a very dynamic thing in this country these days, and it would be very interesting to see how it plays out in real-life cases. On the whole, I think all of the movement in various directions is a positive thing. People are making some concious choices about their spiritual journeys rather than sitting where they’re planted and going through the motions. I look forward to reading the submissions.
posted July 4, 2009 at 1:51 pm
Thanks for your encouragement kenneth and for the part your story played in sparking the idea. I hope you will be so kind as to let people know what I’m up to and encourage them to participate. Have a happy 4th…
posted July 4, 2009 at 4:36 pm
story telling about spiritual journeys is . . . fiction.
posted July 5, 2009 at 12:25 am
Hi Credis: I hesitate to characterize your dismissal of God and the spiritual journey’s of others as atheism or by any other name. However, I would love to learn more about what you do (or do not) believe and how you got there. Perhaps you would consider sharing your story as part of this new initiative…
posted July 6, 2009 at 1:43 am
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2009/jul/02/turkey-penitents-compete-gameshow
i don’t believe in religion, which is based on faith. i do believe in facts, which are self-evident truths, and in granting the kooky and confused people of in this world lots of open space to thrash about in.
part of my journey away from religion has been due to the whole cultural aspect of it. i would never support a particular scientific theory on based on x because I was born in y [cf. link].
i don’t think is anything inherently spiritual about being born in northeastern america and winding up with someone who to wears crosses on his clothes, or by experiencing what you describe as a miraculous conversion after dealing with alcohol abuse, drug abuse and food abuse.
posted July 6, 2009 at 2:16 am
oh, and thanks for hesitating to characterize me as an atheist.
i would call myself an anti-theist with lots of patience for people who don’t make sense.
http://atheism.about.com/od/atheismatheiststheism/a/AntiTheism.htm
posted July 6, 2009 at 10:59 am
Hi Credis: Thanks for responding. I also would have fallen into the anti-theist camp had I been familiar with that language at the time, which is why I made the distinction. As for their being anything inherently spiritual about being born in northeastern America, etc. I agree. There is nothing inherently spiritual about the day-to-day elements of my life against the backdrop of a world filled with billions of people living theirs. That is what I like about storytelling and people sharing the ins and outs of their lives with one another. It highlights a paradox – we humans are both insignificant and important and our lives are both worthy of sharing with one another and of no consequence. I am genuinely interested in your anti-theistic views, but less from the “what an anti-theist believes” perspective and more of the “this is what I believed when I was as a kid, this is what happened to form my anti-theism and this is where I am now” perspective. There are loads of places on the Internet for the “my belief (or non-belief) is better than your belief” debate. I am hoping we can buck that trend and have a different conversation.
posted July 6, 2009 at 4:22 pm
i didn’t believe anything as a kid, really.
i went through the motions, going to church, taking communion, etc. and that’s about it. oh, and i read the bible, which i didn’t think could actually be the word of god with a big g. and i read passages from the koran. and about different religions in books from the neighborhood library.
i remember that siddhartha, an allegorical novel by hermann hesse, made a big impression, as did biser, the glass bead game.
i didn’t start thinking hard about religion until i turned 17 and encountered people who said and acted religious. they seemed a little screwy and never made much sense (when they talked about their faith). they still don’t.
i don’t hold it against them. i feel sorry for them.
posted July 6, 2009 at 9:30 pm
so it’s live and let live with the devout.
i don’t hunt them down for arguments.
but when i meet them in person,
or encounter them on the internet,
i usually say hello. and point out that
they are standing on very thin ice.
i am not an entertainer,
although i do enjoy box dancing.
posted July 9, 2009 at 12:33 am
I used to live across the street from a satanist. Well, he was an “ex-satanist.” Or maybe even an “ex-satanist-by-birth.” He told me a story about his father, who was a satanist priest. When my neighbor was 13, he told me he stood over a tied up woman with a knife, compelled by his father and others to kill her. He left, and never saw his father again.
Maybe he was just telling stories. I do know he’d been in-and-out of prison for much of his life.
When we met, he had two toddler children, and they were all that mattered to him. He took them to church once – my church. He told me he felt so unwelcome he’d never go back. People got up and moved when he sat down with his kids…
Dunno if it’s relevant to the conversation, but everyone has a story, and every one I have heard has enriched my life, and my understanding of truth, lies, goodness, grace and evil.