On a sunny morning in June, 2003, two days after my 37th birthday, I had an unsolicited, unexpected and unbelievable encounter with God. Put more simply, without asking, praying or seeking, I woke up one morning a churchgoing agnostic (following years of rabid atheism) and put my head to the pillow that night a newly minted, highly unlikely Christian. I wish I could say my radical conversion happened gently…all harps and angels and light…but that was not my experience. On the contrary, I was nauseous, had trouble catching my breath and felt like there was a 500 lb weight on my chest. I thought I was having a heart attack. But here’s the kicker. A lifelong skeptic who was, at times, militantly anti-Christian, I suddenly believed without hesitation that the Christian story that I had frequently railed against was true. I couldn’t have told you what that story was, but I knew without the luxury of details that it was all true. Now this might make some sense if I needed a spiritual experience. Say if I was fighting a serious illness or was down on my luck financially-or maybe if I were struggling with a painful loss or trying to navigate a tough personal challenge. But I didn’t need a spiritual experience. As far as I was concerned, my life was perfect. I was a successful PR executive making a healthy six-figure salary, married to my best friend who also made a six-figure salary. We had three healthy, happy kids and lived in our dream home about an hour northwest of New York City. I was seven years sober and had faced down most of my major issues/resentments in a program of recovery. Life was pretty good. Yet, there I was-sick, crying and convinced that something beyond my comprehension had happened to me. No one was more surprised than my husband Martin, who was there with me when it happened. He had been a Christian since he was a kid and knew the extent to which I thought the whole Christian thing was a contrivance. I had fought vigorously over coffee and cigarettes to convince him that religion had been created by leaders to control the masses or by weak individuals to soften the blow of their incapacity to deal with their day to day lives. He never did come around to my way of thinking, but I figured if he could overlook the fact that I was an alcoholic single mother with two kids and marry me, I could overlook the fact that he was a Christian and marry him. So here I was, convinced that this Christian thing was true, with no idea what that really meant. What followed was years of learning that is discussed in much greater detail in a book that I am writing. Suffice it to say that I learned that following Christ and living by the dictates of the Holy Spirit does not always add up to the overly simplified “join the team and your life will be wonderful” message that I have heard so frequently. As a matter of fact, the years since that day in 2003 have been some of the most difficult I have ever encountered. We have lost more than you can imagine-money, possessions, prestige and people. And yet, I would not turn back for the world. So, now I’m trying to make sense of this new life. Attempting to go beyond predictable platitudes in order to allow this change of heart to lead to a genuine change of life. This blog will chronicle the day to day joys and trials of my journey and raise some key questions and challenges I face as I find my place in a faith that still confounds me.
My 13 year old niece posted the following note about “life going by so quick” on her Facebook status and I couldn’t resist responding. Check out her reply and you’ll understand why this 43 year-old titled the post age, humility and perspective. Talk about keeping it real…
posted October 15, 2009 at 3:58 pm
Sometime back at the end of the 1980s, my buddies and I were sitting around our dorm room doing what we did best – drinking for no particular reason. One of our company started griping about school and how he couldn’t wait to get out and into the “real world.” Three of us formed a consensus without speaking and then told him flat out “you’re an idiot.” When pressed for an explation one of us said “this is good living. Before you know what hit you, we’ll all be 40 years old and wishing we were back here.”
It was the only flash of wisdom we had in those four years, but I’ll cherish it forever.
posted October 17, 2009 at 1:42 pm
lacking a true religious faith yet craving one, you appear to have turned to social networks as a faith-building substitute, endowed with the divine omnipotence required to shower the internet with your own confusion and zeal – from bible quotes to tidbits, tuck-in notes, inspirational youtubes and wailing about wanting to help confused adolescents, to reprints of crap appearing in faith-based internet tabloids. i also notice whining about being economically delinquent, calls for free health care, free retirement security and free protection from the islamic maniacs your elected officials have stirred up with its misadventures in the muslim world, and so forth. if you take the internet to be your fan club and government to be santa claus, you naturally want every day to be christmas; and the bigger the santa, the bigger his sack of goodies. sorry, it’s permanently halloween.
redact away!