On a sunny morning in June, 2003, two days after my 37th birthday, I had an unsolicited, unexpected and unbelievable encounter with God. Put more simply, without asking, praying or seeking, I woke up one morning a churchgoing agnostic (following years of rabid atheism) and put my head to the pillow that night a newly minted, highly unlikely Christian. I wish I could say my radical conversion happened gently…all harps and angels and light…but that was not my experience. On the contrary, I was nauseous, had trouble catching my breath and felt like there was a 500 lb weight on my chest. I thought I was having a heart attack. But here’s the kicker. A lifelong skeptic who was, at times, militantly anti-Christian, I suddenly believed without hesitation that the Christian story that I had frequently railed against was true. I couldn’t have told you what that story was, but I knew without the luxury of details that it was all true. Now this might make some sense if I needed a spiritual experience. Say if I was fighting a serious illness or was down on my luck financially-or maybe if I were struggling with a painful loss or trying to navigate a tough personal challenge. But I didn’t need a spiritual experience. As far as I was concerned, my life was perfect. I was a successful PR executive making a healthy six-figure salary, married to my best friend who also made a six-figure salary. We had three healthy, happy kids and lived in our dream home about an hour northwest of New York City. I was seven years sober and had faced down most of my major issues/resentments in a program of recovery. Life was pretty good. Yet, there I was-sick, crying and convinced that something beyond my comprehension had happened to me. No one was more surprised than my husband Martin, who was there with me when it happened. He had been a Christian since he was a kid and knew the extent to which I thought the whole Christian thing was a contrivance. I had fought vigorously over coffee and cigarettes to convince him that religion had been created by leaders to control the masses or by weak individuals to soften the blow of their incapacity to deal with their day to day lives. He never did come around to my way of thinking, but I figured if he could overlook the fact that I was an alcoholic single mother with two kids and marry me, I could overlook the fact that he was a Christian and marry him. So here I was, convinced that this Christian thing was true, with no idea what that really meant. What followed was years of learning that is discussed in much greater detail in a book that I am writing. Suffice it to say that I learned that following Christ and living by the dictates of the Holy Spirit does not always add up to the overly simplified “join the team and your life will be wonderful” message that I have heard so frequently. As a matter of fact, the years since that day in 2003 have been some of the most difficult I have ever encountered. We have lost more than you can imagine-money, possessions, prestige and people. And yet, I would not turn back for the world. So, now I’m trying to make sense of this new life. Attempting to go beyond predictable platitudes in order to allow this change of heart to lead to a genuine change of life. This blog will chronicle the day to day joys and trials of my journey and raise some key questions and challenges I face as I find my place in a faith that still confounds me.
I had a little trouble writing a gratitude list in a post last week. It’s not that I was feeling particularly ungrateful – just a little tired and a little blah as the days moved toward Thanksgiving. The holiday passed easily. A quiet day with family (and way too much wonderful food). Friday found me back at my favorite cafe, working on a paper and catching up on some emails.
Then my peripheral vision began to falter.
At first I thought my eyes were tired, so I got up and took a little walk. When I returned to the book I was reading, there were fuzzy bands running across the page and I was unable to focus. Looking up, I couldn’t focus on the faces of the people in the room either. Not good.
Skipping the dramatic play-by-play, the upshot of the day was an ER visit, slow and unusual speech and a bout of full body muscle tension that left me unable to move my legs, bend my torso or unclench my jaw. A cat scan confirmed no stroke and a muscle relaxant worked to return my faculties. My eyes are still playing tricks on me but the other symptoms have subsided, which points to the possibility of some kind of headache-free migraine (yup, they exist). I’ll follow up with the doctor later today to see what’s what. While I’m sure it is something manageable, I’m ready to play whatever hand I am dealt.
In the meantime, I just can’t stop thinking about that gratitude list. Despite my best efforts to be intentional about appreciating the things I have, I still am prone to take so much for granted. Why does it take a scare for me to fully appreciate my health, a full table at Thanksgiving, a husband who is kind and caring in times of ease and times of trouble, great kids who love me, a sister who will drop everything to hold my hand beside an ER bed, the prayers of good friends and family and a faith that carries me through? How many wake up calls does it take to actually wake up?
So, while it seems so “last week” to ask about gratitude, I’ll throw out the question again…what do you have to be grateful for today? What are you taking for granted?
posted November 30, 2009 at 10:58 am
So sorry to hear about this Joan. Sounds like it was scary (and maybe still is). I’m grateful for beautiful words today, and beautiful you.
posted November 30, 2009 at 11:16 am
Thanks “L.L.” I appreciate your kind words. I’m pretty peaceful at the moment – but who knows what tomorrow will bring
posted November 30, 2009 at 12:31 pm
Don’t forget gratitude for the ER folks – who are there everyday, doing what needs to be done whenever it has to happen. I needed them a year ago July 4 – and they were there. And so were the paramedics and ambulance folks. I was mended and sent home without much fuss. So think of them on the holidays.
By the way – have they checked for MS – it sure sounds like the symptoms.
posted November 30, 2009 at 12:47 pm
Now my day is complete. I found this link and a bunch of articles to peruse for my heart’s content.
Must warn you, I am a searcher who wants to merge my Catholicism with Buddhist practices. Think it can work? I tell people I am a “Zen Christian.” Kinda like that.
Feel the touch of God when I meditate and find love and forgiveness inside. I refer to that warmth as the “child” inside, the Divine Self. In Sufi, I think they call it “the Beloved.”
michael j
posted November 30, 2009 at 12:54 pm
Hi Michael: So glad you made it over here! I am sure there will be much to think about for someone on a journey such as yours. As for what will or will not “work” I believe that an honest search for God is the best we mortals can do. My journey has led me to Jesus – not sure what’s in store for you. Hope we can learn from one another as we continue along the way.
posted November 30, 2009 at 12:55 pm
jestrfyl: Haven’t tested for much yet, but MS did come to mind. Time will tell…
posted November 30, 2009 at 5:49 pm
Hey Joan,
I’m sorry to hear about this. I appreciate you sharing your perspective despite the uncertainty that life seems to throw our way.
“How many wake up calls does it take to wake up?” Yeah, that’s such a great question!
It’s living in what seems as life’s paradox that makes this journey so exciting, yet, stressful at times. Wanting to understand the truth, and become a wiser person, but yet, it seems that to “Wake up” often comes through hard experiences. But I’m with you, I’m trying to learn as much from the experiences of others, and I pray for the strength to embrace the growth that is only attained through life’s sharp corners.
That being said, I wish, hope & pray that you continue to experience great health Joan!
posted November 30, 2009 at 8:10 pm
Joan, losing control of the body. So scary. Such a frail machine, actually.
I have found yoga helps so much as I get older. And it helps to have a daughter who is obsessive not only about everything she eats but everything I eat!
posted November 30, 2009 at 8:15 pm
Michael, definitely a good match. One I have made as well. You would probably enjoy the book The Gethsemane Encounter that chronicles a meeting between Buddhist and Christian monastics.
Since Vatican II there has been a significant interfaith dialogue between Buddhist and Catholics.
posted November 30, 2009 at 10:49 pm
sounds like your body is telling you something.
less coffee and sitting, more walking and breathing, a healthier mental and physical diet.
i am simply amazed at how much leonard sweet eats, and the piglets at his gathering.
wow! can’t be healthy.
posted December 1, 2009 at 1:13 am
Credis: It am not sure why you are compelled to resort to poking at people’s character and culinary habits rather than remaining in dialog, but it appears you cannot help yourself. I have done my best to have a zero comment-delete policy at the blog and have yet to remove a comment that was not a spam advertisement. Unfortunately, your contempt for me and others who frequent the space is growing tiresome and creating negativity in the space that I can no longer allow. I will not remove this comment, but it will be the last one. All future comments that stray from topic into sniping at individuals will be removed.
Best regards.
posted December 1, 2009 at 11:34 am
Michael, another work that you may like in the effort to embrace both Buddhism and Christianity is Richard Rohr’s latest, The Naked Now.
posted December 2, 2009 at 5:19 am
Joan,
i am so sorry to hear that you went/are going through this. It must have been so scary. i can certainly empathize. Thank you for sharing.
i am grateful to be alive, grateful for my wife, grateful for my friends, including you, Joan, for mysteries, paradoxes, existential angst…
Warmest Regards,
Adele
posted December 2, 2009 at 12:44 pm
Thanks Adele…I know you can empathize. I’ve so enjoyed peeking in on your travels via social networks. Looking forward to catching up with you soon.
Joan
posted December 4, 2009 at 3:10 pm
Joan,
Bless you, Joan…I couldn’t agree with you more…from 6am to 10pm, there are 57,600 seconds…imagine if we could earn one penny per second…wow…yet almost more than every other second which passes by that we are “expecting the usual/normal” trend of life to be “automatic”; though you may see your sudden scare as an awakening, it is truly a blessing, for only very few have such an opportunity, or chance, to be aware of our daily surroundings, including our loved ones, and willingly make an effort live a fuller and more meaning life; not all happiness, and inner peace, are found in a material world…
Jerome
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