On a sunny morning in June, 2003, two days after my 37th birthday, I had an unsolicited, unexpected and unbelievable encounter with God. Put more simply, without asking, praying or seeking, I woke up one morning a churchgoing agnostic (following years of rabid atheism) and put my head to the pillow that night a newly minted, highly unlikely Christian. I wish I could say my radical conversion happened gently…all harps and angels and light…but that was not my experience. On the contrary, I was nauseous, had trouble catching my breath and felt like there was a 500 lb weight on my chest. I thought I was having a heart attack. But here’s the kicker. A lifelong skeptic who was, at times, militantly anti-Christian, I suddenly believed without hesitation that the Christian story that I had frequently railed against was true. I couldn’t have told you what that story was, but I knew without the luxury of details that it was all true. Now this might make some sense if I needed a spiritual experience. Say if I was fighting a serious illness or was down on my luck financially-or maybe if I were struggling with a painful loss or trying to navigate a tough personal challenge. But I didn’t need a spiritual experience. As far as I was concerned, my life was perfect. I was a successful PR executive making a healthy six-figure salary, married to my best friend who also made a six-figure salary. We had three healthy, happy kids and lived in our dream home about an hour northwest of New York City. I was seven years sober and had faced down most of my major issues/resentments in a program of recovery. Life was pretty good. Yet, there I was-sick, crying and convinced that something beyond my comprehension had happened to me. No one was more surprised than my husband Martin, who was there with me when it happened. He had been a Christian since he was a kid and knew the extent to which I thought the whole Christian thing was a contrivance. I had fought vigorously over coffee and cigarettes to convince him that religion had been created by leaders to control the masses or by weak individuals to soften the blow of their incapacity to deal with their day to day lives. He never did come around to my way of thinking, but I figured if he could overlook the fact that I was an alcoholic single mother with two kids and marry me, I could overlook the fact that he was a Christian and marry him. So here I was, convinced that this Christian thing was true, with no idea what that really meant. What followed was years of learning that is discussed in much greater detail in a book that I am writing. Suffice it to say that I learned that following Christ and living by the dictates of the Holy Spirit does not always add up to the overly simplified “join the team and your life will be wonderful” message that I have heard so frequently. As a matter of fact, the years since that day in 2003 have been some of the most difficult I have ever encountered. We have lost more than you can imagine-money, possessions, prestige and people. And yet, I would not turn back for the world. So, now I’m trying to make sense of this new life. Attempting to go beyond predictable platitudes in order to allow this change of heart to lead to a genuine change of life. This blog will chronicle the day to day joys and trials of my journey and raise some key questions and challenges I face as I find my place in a faith that still confounds me.
I am not great at resting.
Even when I have the time (which is rare) I find myself either filling my rest time with activity or retreating completely (i.e. a day or two at Holy Cross monastery) in order to detox from the hustle and bustle of everyday life to recharge.
For the past few weeks a quiet whisper that now registers as a shout has been telling me that averaging the extremes of this all-on or all-off approach is not balance. This still, small voice hints at a different rhythm of living that I want to embrace, but have yet to fully identify and consistently practice.
So what’s a girl to do?
I don’t know yet, but I plan to begin by getting back to basics. Am I willing to make time for a sabbath rest in the midst of my busy schedule? How about more consistent quiet time in the morning or the occasional afternoon nap? While I am sure I could convince myself that I have NO TIME for these “luxuries” I know that I always find more when I practice living in less.
How about you? Do you intentionally seek balance in your life? If so, how? Hoping we can share some useful stories and encourage one another…
posted November 24, 2009 at 6:14 am
Joan -
While not perfect, I have made a conscious effort to get up a half- hour early and practice a quiet time of meditation and scripture reading each morning. In addition, I have scaled back my obligations and commitments for the evenings, so I am only out of the house one or maybe two times a week. So the evenings are spent with the family, usually doing something relaxing. I went through a period of extreme burnout a couple years ago because I was way over my head with job, boards, committees, church elder, youth group leader, etc. It was killing me. ALthough not perfect, it is much better now after taking stock and saying “no” to more commitments.
posted November 24, 2009 at 6:37 am
After just having had a baby, getting back to work and fully getting into the groove of choir, housefellowship and other commitments in church, I practically burned out last Sunday. I really had to retreat and take a deep breath. My resolve is to do more of a ‘walk with God’ than a ‘work with/for God’ and attend to my family ministry which I must point out is very vital.
Keep it very real, folks!
posted November 24, 2009 at 5:05 pm
When i am meditating the words of God,that’s my resting time,because truly,by meditation,there’s a freedom felt,something that only the spirit of God that touches your very soul and give you rest from all the busyness of life,the bible said,”cast your burdens upon me those who are heavily laden,come to me all of you who are tired and carrying heavy loads,for the yoke i gave you is easy and your burden is light, come to me and i’ll give you rest.”when we always meditate these words,there’s no way that you feel tired.
posted November 30, 2009 at 10:39 pm
REST? Wow thats a nice ear-friendly word. The Lord taught me lesson about it in a very painful way. I was busy pastoring for almost 10 years. In that period of time, i was able to plant a new church, started a campus ministry, “pastored” 4 diffrent churches, chairman of the evangelism committee of a confrence, built three houses, got married and had three kids. Name it brother. . . . I was so busy for the Lord in all areas of my life. At the end of this ten years my marriage was about to break, my realtionship with my fellow ministers was not healthy. One day I got accidentally pinned to a post by a truck delivering gravel for my house construction. It left me with two dislocated ribs and four inches laceration in my liver. By God’s miraculous hand, In a weak the laceration and the dislocation was negative. Did I learn to rest?. . . Yes! for a number of muonths I did and now I have to apply the principle daily. Trusting that He will make all things beautiful in His time.