I lost a friend that I had known over forty years about three years ago. He, too, “went dark”. I had attended his mother’s funeral and noticed that he seemed distant but just chalked it up to the circumstances. Then he just didn’t return calls or e-mails .
He has moved and I no longer have any phone numbers or e-mail addresses.
Our relationship had changed after my divorce and his marriage but I just can’t grasp how someone simply drops a friend they’ve known since 5th grade.
It saddens me to think that our friendship endured through many crises and triumphs for both of us but now he has just disappeared.
We have so few long lasting friendships and each accumulates so much significance as we age.

I have a friendship that radically changed when I got married. I am still baffled about it. That was 14 yrs ago and I’m still not over it. Maybe it’s the major changes like marriage, death, divorce etc that either provide the reason or the excuse to drop everything and run. It hurts like hell on this end and maybe it does on the other end too (the “drop and run” end).
Personally I’d rather talk it out than be on the receiving end of the silent treatment. But if I’m the one giving the silent treatment I know I’m in denial that I’m doing it. Talking it out is probably not a mutual thing – and a “talk” doesn’t occur without one person providing some sort of confrontation.

I think that friendships are something that should never be taken lightly and I think often that they are. Often times they are treated as disposable relationships that is, once they have served whatever purpose, we cast them off. I have been blown off by friends and I am equally guilty of doing the exact same thing so I get no prizes either. But one thing I am learning. That we really need to practice the golden rule in all our relationships, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”
This won’t always fix the hurt when a friendship dies but at least we can console ourselves by knowing we did our very best to be a good friend. Which by the way according the the Bible a friend is one “who loves at all times.” I believe that the act of loving someone is never wasted regardless of the response of the other person, for as love reaches out to someone is also reaches back to surround the giver.
One thing also I have learned. If a friend truly loves you they will continue to nourish and cherish their relationship with you. A person’s heart is with their treasure and if your friendship is that treasure their heart will be there. May God grant us all and make us all true friends.

I am going through this right now. I tend not to have best friends per se but spread the love over a lot of people. My friend who claims that I am her best friend has ignored my phone calls and emails for more than a month. Frankly, I’ve given up trying. I have more respect for myself than to grovel at her feet. I wish her well, but am not going to waste time on her. Seriously, I’ve never really trusted her or the friendship because I saw how she ‘dumped’ her ‘best friend’ before me.

I have been so upset of the loss of I thought a friend for the last 2 years…she hurt me a lot ..One time I could not go to her home and do her hair , being a hairstylist I would do her hair out of friendship and save her tons of money not counting the time and effort it took to go there…that I never cared about ..but I took her kids as my friends also went to baby shower, birthdays ..so much I could mention …that is not what hurts the most…it was a 37 years friendship…off and on but when she had her heartattack , I was there with helping hands to try to make her life alittle happier….

One of my best qualities is my loyalty. unfortunately not everyone is capable of that quality. I had two friends whom I held in high esteem only to be “dumped” by both of them at different times. they were best friends first, I stumbled upon them some 35 years ago in high school. to make a long story short, it took 20 years for me to realize that I was the better friend to both of them and felt that they HAD to love me because of it. sadly, I still miss them at times and think of the wonderful “growing up” we shared, and I do miss the fact that we will not grow old together, but I have cherished new friends now, and we make new memories every day.

I REALLY LIKED THE PREMISE OF A FRIENDSHIP IS LIKE A MARRIAGE. I TOO
HELD ALL FRIENDSHIPS CLOSE TO MY HEART AND FELT THEY WERE A MARRIAGE.
LOYALTY FOR ME IS A BIGGY! THIS IS THE FIRST TIME THOUGH I HAVE COME
UP AGAINST FRIENDS COMING BETWEEN FRIENDS. I HAVE SINCE FOUND OUT
THIS PERSON HAS DONE THIS BEFORE AND PROBABLY WILL DO AGAIN, THE ONLY
SAVING GRACE FOR ME, I WONT BE PART OF IT. THIS PERSON HAS AN INSATIABLE NEED FOR ATTENTION. IS THE BEST AT EVERYTHING. SWEARS
LIKE A TRUCK DRIVER. SHE SAW A SPECIAL BOND I HAD WITH ANOTHER FRIEND
AND DECIDED SHE WANTED IN. IN BETWEEN THAT IS! DIVIDE AND CONQUER.
CLAIMED TO ALWAYS HAVE MY BACK, BUT BEHIND IT WAS TIRED OF HEARING MY
HURTS. I ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT WAS WHAT A FRIEND WAS ABOUT, LISTENING!
NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES. USED ME TO GET WHAT WHAT AND WHERE SHE WANTED, THEN IT WAS PURE INDIFFERENCE FROM THAT POINT ON. I TRIED
THE “TALK” THING, MY ADVICE DONT DO IT. THINGS ARE NEVER THE SAME,
EVEN THOUGH I WAS THE ONE WHO CARED ENOUGH TO SAVE THE FRIENDSHIP. IT
DIDN’T STOP AT THAT FRIEND EITHER, SHE WENT ON TO GATHER THEM ALL UP
AND TRY TO COME BETWEEN. WHEN YOU ARE IN IT, IT FEELS LIKE YOU ARE
THE ONLY ONE. I FEEL BETTER HAVING READ THE OTHER STORIES, THANKS!

Someone once told me that many friendships have an “expiration date”. The older I get, the more I realize that I don’t really need a lot of friends, just ones that are positive and nurturing and mutually loving and there no matter what, just as I am for them. I recently decided that a woman who I’ve been friends with for over 20 years is just too negative for me. What Therese said in her video about some people being so wounded that they can’t reciprocate, really said what I’d been feeling. This friend has been so so wounded all her 60plus years that she just can’t get past it. All her emotions and reactions are based on this parental wounding, and although I love her, I just don’t want to be subjected to this endless negativity. And I sometimes find myself reacting to that negativity in a way that might not be good for her either. And so I’ll just accept that the “expiration date” has passed…and not be upset that she hasn’t returned my calls. Sometimes to surrender to the reality of the situation and to accept what is, is the only way to deal with it. This topic, like for so many others, came at just the right time!

I, too, had a wonderful, 27 yr friendship with my would-be bridesmaid. She called at 6AM the day of the wedding, saying she had a migraine and couldn’t attend. She then moved into the upstairs apt. in my apt. house, and stayed a year. I have heard NOTHING from her since then – no reason for the end of the friendship, nothing. I guess the “expiration date” has already passed. I do miss her, though. She WAS a good friend…

I have been best friends with Sandy for nearly 40 years, although for the past couple of years she had become sarcastic and treated me like I was beneath her at times. I however considered it to be menopause as
I am a few years older and am past that. She called me everyday, I was her granddaughter’s nanny, our kid’s were friens and then Last June out of the blue she stopped talking to me, I sent her an e-mail and one day she phoned and said such terrible things to me , when I got off the phone I felt like i had been punched in the stomach. In October my dog was poisoned and as she had been her daughters dog i sent a message to let her daughter know. She called and we ended up laughing and making up senarios of my dog talking , the usual silly stuff we always did. Then i never heard from her again. This may not seem relevant but it is , in that no matter how close you are , if your so close you finish each others sentences , people are unpredictable and you can never always be on your guard to protect your heart, you just have to enjoy where you are grieve when it ends. Susiemae

I have had two deep friendships end out of the blue. Similar to the stories of others, I was dumped by these women (on separate occasions, many years apart). The most recent, about five years ago, my dearest friend, with no explanation, after I went to visit her, ended all contact. She did not respond to emails and phone calls–I was terrified something had happened to her–and finally, I wrote her a letter, realizing she no longer wanted to be my friend. In my letter, I thanked her for her friendship, told her how much she’d sustained me over the years, and how much I loved her. I apologized for whatever I had done to end our friendship, because I couldn’t think of any other reason why she’d stop communicating with me. It was a terrible feeling, and my heart broke; first that I had lost a friend with whom I’d shared an important bond, and second, that I had done something wrong and would never know what. The lack of closure is what keeps this near the surface, and makes me hesitant to extend myself so completely again.

I can relate to the messages above. I have had friendships end and they have lingered in my mind for years after. I always wonder what I could have done different, if I made the right choice and in the last case, how will I get past it. The only friendship that have gone totally wrong are those with women. When I have conflict with men friends, we always work it out. But with women, grudges are held, things are rumored and spread, damage is done to emotional or physical things. I no longer put myself truly into a female friendship. I like the women around right now, but no one will hurt me as I have been hurt before.
If you want details on why my friendships ended and give advice then let me know. Otherwise, I wrote on here and it all got deleted. So frustration has led me to just not repeat what I wrote lol I will say that the last friendship causes me sadness almost every week as something happens and I want to tell her, or send her kids a card, present, etc. There was nothing I could have done to hold on to the friendship, I now realize that it had an expiration date that was not stamped on my hand. lol

In Islam, it is the rule to enter and exit through the gate of truth and honor. In this case, I take it to mean that it is more honorable to break up with a friend by having a conversation and closure. It is not a good feeling to be left high and dry, no clarity, no understanding of what happened. Valuable lessons can be learned for growth through communication.

I had a bridesmade friend as described above. The only thing, she was so close, she was my ONLY bridesmaid. I was also a bridesmaid for her wedding. We went through high school and more together. I married a man who had a daughter from a previous marriage. Long story short, the little girl was kidnapped. When I called everyone I knew, including my bridesmaid, to help search, she was aloof and indifferent. We clearly had gone different ways in our lives, but I still thought we’d have something in common, like 8 years of experiences. I guess she thought different. I’ve sent cards over the years with no response. After 29 years, it still makes me sad and wonder what I may have done to cause the silence.

Hey, why not send them this e-mail !!! Because, the why is the real deal breaker !!!!

I agree with all of the commentators to do the appropriate thing
to end a relationship that is not working.It is easy if both parties
are willing to give up,but if not,there’s other way to handle or act appropriately depending on the situation of the couple getting
separation.

I recently commented on A Reason A Season A Lifetime Friend.
I to have had friends that have come and gone in and out of my life. I do feel that we need to have closure and to talk things out. But if the other person isn’t willing to do so, there is nothing we can do. I also have found that men are much easier to have friendships with. They aren’t caddy and can get past things much easier than women. I will say that it did make me sad when I was friends with someone for a long period of time and it ended. It left me wondering what did I do wrong?? I wasted precious time trying to figure it all out..because there wasn’t any closure. I TRY and look at the positive on everything..and say it wasn’t meant to be~And go over in my head what the reason was or was it just for a short time like a season..or our True Blue Friends that will last a lifetime and then some. I cherish them! But it has been said that when we die, if we can count our Friends on one hand we are lucky.

While I understand this article, and the other commenters, I have to disagree. Sometimes you have to walk away. I had an issue with my former best friend, as I felt she was making some truly bad decisions in her life, and felt I couldn’t sit by and let her make them. She was married, had one child (that was a surprise), and then dropped out of college 6 credits shy of a bachelors degree. Her husband became ill and went on permanent disability, earning only $25k/yr and she had a 2nd child even though they had a shortage of money. She refused to go back to college, refused to get a part time job even though she was completely capable, and instead started to receive money/gifts/food from her local church and friends/family. Shortly thereafter, she tricked her husband into having a 3rd child (he didn’t know she had discontinued the pill). Besides not having any money at all, she has no where to put this child in her home – he is currently in the living room. He reason for having another child? “If something happens to any of the other children, she wants to make sure she has more”. At this point, I stepped in and tried to work it out with her by explaining how I felt in an email. I begged her to get a job, go back to school, or get help. She responded, and her response was shocking to me, as it was as if I was a little kid and didn’t know any better and she was the wise one whom I should learn from. After several more emails, I had to walk away. Why? Because she honestly could not comprehend what I was saying to her. I’m not sure if it was too painful, and she blocked it out, or if she truly felt that I had some growing to do, but it was obvious to me that there was nothing I could say or do to save this friendship. To this day, she has no idea why I don’t come around or call (it’s been 6 years). I do not agree with how she lives her life, using family and friends and non-profit organizations to better her own interests. I myself had a child out of wedlock, was on state assistance, and have since put myself through college while working 2 jobs to support us. I now have an excellent job, am happily married and financially secure. But it bothers me to this day, that this former friend continues to live her life in the manner she does. I still feel a great loss, and sadness.

I had a friend who was a godmother to one of my kids who decided that I was the reason for her own problems. I was the one who suggested she get counseling and in doing that I became a source to direct her anger at. I still do not understand her rage and simply hope she can get through her issues. I lost a group of friends over this because this woman stated that I had talked about them when she actually said these things, not I. I am more careful with who I become friends with. I discovered that unstable people do bizarre behavior yet it still hurts.

I had a friend for approx 10 years we rented a house together for three (well I was there 1 1/2 out of the three) I was diagnosed with breast cancer, had a mastectomy and while under going chemotherapy I stayed with my Mother..My friend had me pay my half of the rent and utilities for 6 months that I did not live at the house due to being out of work, on a leave of abscense and sick as a dog. I rarley saw her, she rarely visited me because I didn’t fit into her schedule..When I went back to the house to live full time the end of February 2009 I was just beginning to get strength back, but financially and emotional I was shot!! Had another cancer scare and it basically came down to I couldnt afford to live there anymore I gave her plenty of notice and continued to pay rent for 8months..she locked me out of the house, threw some of my stuff out, had a couch that I paid half for but won’t give me any money for and to top it all off she blames me… We are not friends anymore obviously. The one person who was my derest friend who I lived with ended up to not be a friend at all…We just never spoke again! That is sad, but the uplifting part is the time that I was out of work..hundreds of people that I work with some who didn’t even know me donated time to me for 10mths so I would continue to get paid…So that I could pay for her to live in a house!!

I had a best friend for over 20 years. Long story short, I met a guy. Was talking to this guy for a few weeks and found out that my best friend and him had slept together about 8 years prior to my meeting him, they were NEVER in a serious relationship….her and and lived in different states at the time and I never knew anything of this guy, she never mentioned him….well, after her finding out, and my not having time to go to her and get her input, she called me in a rage and cursed me out and told me that i was not a friend of hers, etc. I am still dating this guy almost 1 year later and our relationship is strong. However, my ex-friend and I still do not speak, have not spoken, we of course have mutual friends and family after being friends for so long. She has convinced evryone how wrong I am, (when I did not even know)…and basically our circle of friends and family are two faced to the both of us…say one thing and mean another…i want to sit and talk with her, but she is still very angry over the situation, she thinks i am wrong, i think i am not…what am i supposed to do….

I can relate to the story and the frustration felt. My new year’s resolution this year was not to allow “friends” to take me and my friendship for granted anymore. It has been a difficult resolution to administer because as of today I have cut-off 5 people with whom I grew tired of calling and emailing with no response and without explanation. Case in point, a former friend I would have lunch and dinner with regularly and hear about her attempts at finding a good guy to marry stopped talking to me. I sent various emails and voicemails with no response over a period of 6 months. Nothing. I found out later, via the internet of all places, that she had gotten married. Of course I had not been invited even though I was there to hear her cry about the fact she could not find someone. Even then I congratulated her on her marriage via email and did not receive a thank you or a response. When the new year started and I put my resolution to work, I sent one more email to explain that I was not going to continue emailing in an attempt to remain friends. Its funny that she only responded when the information in my email was negative towards her. There was no “sorry” in the response but she stated she understood my frustration. It was difficult to do but easier than the feeling of uncertainty that had dragged on for months. Sorry for the long post.

My best friend has stopped having anything to do with me because we no longer share the same religion. My only child was diasgnosed with type 1 diabetes last summer. As I’ve researched the subject and related it to other suffering in people I’ve seen, known, heard about, or loved, I’ve come to the conclusion that there is no god. (And if there is, it is either not “all powerful” or not “all good.”) When I told her that I no longer considered myself a believer, she turned cold and distant. I received a series of harranguing emails telling me the error of my ways, and then nothing more. I find it sad that she only wishes to surround herself with people who agree with her (And I don’t intend to disagree with or argue with her the way she did with me–it’s not my place to convert anyone.), and I find it telling that a “Christian” is abandoning a long-term friend in a time of need because I don’t “see things the right way.” So, I’ve also come to the conclusion that friendships, like god, don’t really exist.

I was struck by that last contributor “guest” her story made me very sad. Friendships get harder as we get older, and realize that there is little time between our marriages, our children,and the rest of our family’s social calader, add to that a job, and trying to keep up with the laundry…and really there is little time for friends. I feel absolute sorrow for the way her “christian” friend treated her, it’s true it wasn’t very christian. I do however believe in friendship, and as a Catholic myself I do believe in GOD. I have had a friend for 25 years that was my childhood best friend, and over the years our relationship has changed…sometimes very close (in times of need) and other times flighty, (both had a lot to do). I became a step mother and she became a Doctor. She is an Atheist like you, and I remember having a few conversations with her about it, but we decided it was a topic we would not dwell on. In the meantime, it did take us a while to come to that….I couldn’t understand how a Doctor could have no faith. Now, I know why it upset me so much. It’s because denouncing God is one of the biggest sins in our faith, it’s like someone just punched you in the face an left you there in your pain. I bet that’s what you felt like when your child was diagnosed with diabetes, and your friend disagreement ended your friendship when you needed them BOTH the most. Please don’t give up. Friendship is important, and people go through many phases of being able to handle disagreement and not. Maybe you could set aside your pride and ask your friend for help ask to mend your friendship and just tell her that just because you have come into a different understanding of Faith doesn’t mean you can’t be friends. The effort is douby sided in a friendship, if it appears one is always needy…things will not work. If you need a miracle, try to make one happen for someone else! Good Luck to you

Like everything in this earthly life, friendships have no guarantees (of endurance or faithfulness). My approach to life is “all hopes, no expectations” because expectations set you up for disappointment. Living one day at a time means that if I forgot to do something for my friend I let it go without feeling regret or guilt; there’s another time to make up for it. Except if it’s having forgotten to the pay the bills on time! The loss of friendship is like the loss of any human relationship. It hurts, but eventually you realize that life has to move on. It is wise to learn the “philosophy of detachment” in one’s lifetime because sooner or later you might lose something precious so you have to learn how to balance holding on to that “precious” thing and letting it go when time comes. However, it is my hope that the end of a friendship ends with a happy note (seldom, though)…because as Shakespeare puts it in one of his sonnets: “If all the while I think of thee, dear friend…all losses are restored and sorrows end”.

I have a friend who calls me and asks my advice on various situations in her life. She’s always afraid that I may ‘friend dump’ her and she’s lose the honesty we have. I don’t think that it’s always a choice that people make…to dump another friend. It’s more that they find a new interest or find another person who, for the moment, they feel they can better relate to. I don’t take offense to someone not calling or emailing or contacting me…so then, when we DO talk again, if we do…we just pick up where we left off. I’ve had so many people say that it’s nice to be able to do that when we have found each other again. I think that says it all! There wasn’t anything wrong… there was no need to worry… they were just living their life…and they were happy to see that I was still a friend when we did finially find our way back to each other again. I think what we ALL need to realize is that we tend to jump to those conclusions that we have done something to end things and feel unwanted. But, I think that if any of you tried to talk to any of these people who have moved on without you…(if you haven’t built up a big defensive story in your own mind first about what you know you haven’t done wrong…) then you would see that their life took them in another direction. That’s all!!! So, when it happens that a friends life brings them in another direction. As a good friend…just let them go. They may very well be back again someday. There’s no need for that finality. We need to learn to trust the process more ~ to know that what is happening is what is meant to be.

I had a friend of 8 yrs. We were co-workers/friends. We became very close and did so much together. We both were married 10 yrs, 2 kids,spouces that were 7 yrs age difference apart, church, and camping trips together. She ended up having hysterectoy at age 27. I was by her side the whole six weeks recovery. Aproimently 1 yr later we got a new boss, who made our work enviroment very unpleasant. After 8 months of being harrased by her, I filed a formal complaint agianst her. 6 months later I was fired for being insubordinant. We worked for a bank and I should up for work one day and no-one else did. I called in my friend to cover and she told me no. It was her cleaning day. My boss decided she was not going to cover either. So as policy stated duel control with money, I closed the vault and locked the door. I was fired the next day! She spoke to me for 3 weeks after and stopped returning my calls. About 7 yrs have passed when I went into the bank and she asked about my kids. I invited her to lunch, we talked about an hr. She apologize for her behavior. She told me I didnt say or do anything wrong to hurt the friendship. She admitted to having anxiety and depression problems which she is now medicated for. I am greatful for the closure of that friendship, because as I write this today the tears still fall and the hurt is still there. We talk every so often but it will never be the same.

Guest….sorry yo lost a friend over religion. My husband had a wonderful surgeon, who always gave me a hug and said God Bless You.
During this wondeful Doctor’s funeral, this story was told. When he hugged a patient and said God Bless You, the patient said “I do not believe in God.” He quickly replied. “That is alright, I do.” Keep this wonderful thought in mind, as I do.

Yes I can agree that we should just let people go and not necessarily finalize a relationship…however when you’re dealing with toxic people you must let them go completely. The toxicity of the person can have adverse effect on you and your life as well. People do move in different directions and it’s up to the individual in the relationship to know the difference between a friendship that has taken a different direction and when it’s toxic and needs to end. I have had two “friends” who I recently broke up with. At first it was like the previous writer said that we were just moving in different directions so we would pick up where we left off whenever that happened…but then at some point I began to see that it just wasn’t that they were moving in a different way but that they were actually toxic to me. They only called when they needed or wanted something but when the shoe was on the other foot they were no where to be found. They would constantly talk only about themselves and their problems but when I wanted to talk about me I was shut down and not given the opportunity to share what was going on with me because they simply didn’t care and weren’t interested. I slowly felt myself moving in a different direction as them and began to spend less and less time with them and I felt lighter and freer ever since. we have to know what method applies to what situation…

I had been close friends with “T” since jr. high. I married young had 4 children in a horrible marraige. SHe was there for me through all of it. I divorced then years later remarried. I had moved out of the area and my new husband had moved into her house while working in SF, and looking for a job in the new area. HE started NOT coming home to her house at night, he had found a new girlfriend and eventually got her pregnant. Wow I can choose em huh? (thank god I have finally learned how to pick a better husband) but during that time, “T” was angry with me! I didnt understand her anger with me. She stopped talking to me. And for 10 years I have never quite understood why she sided with a cheater. Finally we are back talking and have even had a visit, but is obviously strained. I have not mentioned our “old” issue and not sure I should? I know I had a lot of growing to do, and have come very far. I just dont know if I should try to go back and resolve an old issue that still bears on my mind. Or just let it go and realize I probably will never get back the closeness I had always cherished. My heart aches for the friendship we had. But I dont know how productive bringing it up will be.

I completely agree with what ME wrote about letting the friendship go, especially if it’s a toxic one. I learned over the years that toxic friendships are more of a liability than an asset and also, these friendships tend to be very self-serving, as ME described. Friendship is a two-way street and there must be mutual respect there, otherwise it’s not friendship. I vowed to myself never to tolerate any future friendships that do not meet my criteria. When you really think about it, friendships are merely an investment of time and money — I say this only because you are spending time either on the phone or in person with that friend, and either dining out or doing something that constitutes an expense of some sort, whether it is going to a coffee house or having lunch together. Therefore, both of which, time and money should be valued and spent wisely. If the friendship is self-serving and toxic, it’s just not worth it, especially it’s robbing your time and money. After all, who needs the expense of friendship, when a little hatred doesn’t cost you a cent!!!:)

My first marriage was having lots of problems. I had a single male friend who I ran with, had lunch with, and occasionally we would go out socially to various bars was as close to a male friend like some women have. Eventually I divorced my first wife, had a 9 year relationship with another who then broke it off, dated various women until I met my first wife. My friend eventually met a real nice lady who had one child from her first marriage and my friend and her had three more after they got married. We were best man at each other’s weddings. I asked him many times to have lunch because we both were working downtown in large metropolitan city but he never responded. Invited him and his family over for a summer backyard pool party but again response. Ran into him unexpectedly at Kroger’s one evening but after a cursory discussion he left with no plans ever to get together again. It hurt for a while but I then decided to move on.

I am usually the one that disappears due to being treated bad. I have never had a friend vanish on me though. I am a very thoughtful and considerate person and could never treat people the way I have been treated by them. In the past 2 years I have “lost” seven friends, all by my choice. One friend was extremely snobby and rude and always talking about how wonderful she is and then insulting me by saying things like “Oh, don’t worry Melanie you will get married someday, maybe I can find you someone,” right after she married someone I hooked her up with mind you!(and I never expressed a desire to get married) Then when she was pregnant all she did is talk to my other friend about being pregnant and being a mom, and then look at me and say “You should get knocked up too” have jeff knock you up, which was a player/friend I had! Those aren’t even the worst examples and everyone I know spoke about her awful and ignorant words. Another friend offered to sell candles for me I had made at a local store. I went to the store to see them and they weren’t there. She was selling them at work and claiming she made them by removing my name and email address on the candles! When I got them back from her, 15 were missing and she never paid me for them, lied about everything and I stopped talking to her. Another friend was an alcoholic who liked to call me every Friday night between 10 PM and 1 AM and pour her heart out to me about all of her problems for an hour. She would make plans with me for the next day and never show up because she was too drunk to recall. Not only that but because I don’t drink often, she barely hung out with me unless she needed something from me. I finally told her I didn’t want her calling me drunk at night on the weekends, so she had one of her friends call me and prank me and make fun of me in a voice message! Another friend was like the first friend and said inappropriate things all the time. For instance, I worked at night, and therefore slept during the day. She would say things to me like “well maybe we could hang out if you could drag your ass out of bed before 2 PM!” Another time she was painting her new place and I asked her why she didn’t ask for my help and she said “I just didn’t take you for the painting type of girl,” which inferred I was a snob or too good to do manual labor. Another girl I was friends with for 30 years, since we were 4 years old. She was forever doing hurtful things to me. Since the time we were about 8 years old, I remember we would have plans and I would go to her house and she wouldn’t be there, so I would go to mutual friends house and there she was! Then when we got older, she got her license first and took me to the mall one day and I got sick and asked her to take me home, and she ssid to me “I drove here and we will go when I am ready!” I had to throw up right in the mall and call my dad to get me. Then when I got my license I didn’t bother hanging out with her after she played her power position with me. She was always doing crappy things to me. Then she tried telling me what a bad friend I was based on whatever my reaction to her crappy treatment of me was. The last straw was last year when I needed a ride to surgery and had no ride. I emailed her and asked her. I also called her about 10 times in 8 weeks at least with no answer or call back, along with 6 emails or so. She never responded. During that time I had a party she agreed to attend and make a dish for, she never showed up. I gave up and decided she was a bad friend and stopped talking to her. That was June of 2008. Two weeks ago I sent out a bulk email to win a contest to about 60 people. I accidentally sent one to her husband, so to be a jerk, she emailed me from his address and said “he wont do this for you, dont email my husband again!” Then she went onto write me a nasty email calling me a loser and making all these false accusations and stories from thin air. She said I used her because I talked to her about my problems!!! My god, if you can’t talk to your friend about your problems, then what kind of friend is that? My mom (passed on) treated her like a second daughter, bought her tons of gifts at christmas, paid for her everywhere we went (she had 2 alcoholic parents) and she crapped all over me! Her sister did the same thing. She was having problems with her boyfriend and called me in the middle of the night to get her from his house, along with her things. I picked her up, stayed up all night talking to her about her problems. The next day I lent her helpful books (I never got back) and was at her beck and call for phone advice for a week. Then I call her one day and she never answers the phone or calls me again! I later find out she got back with the guy and didn’t need me anymore. So, when her sister, (the one who ignored my ride to the hospital) wrote to me calling me names and making accusations, she said to me “and I can’t believe the crap you did to my sister-you are a loser!” OMG–what did I do to her sister? I gave her a week of my life just to be ignored for 3 years and that makes me a loser? She called me every name in the book like an 8 year old would do, and then said in the email, “you want to go, let’s go.” Mind you, she had the lowest grades of everyone in my graduating class 9was rated dead last) and I have 2 masters degrees and she wanted to get into a battle of wits with me! Next friend, what a winner….she tops them all. She is on welfare, smokes pot daily, is an ex crack addict and has sex with her boyfriend 10 times a day. Oh, and she has a 10 year old daughter and 6 year old son living with her! And the boyfriends male friend lives there too! Nice setup for kids right? Well, from a free web site I got her a free vacuum and toys for her kid. I got her a free computer from another friend. For christmas I bought her a $150 cell phone (and more) and spent $400 on gifts for her and her kids. I bought dinner for her and her kids countless times, gave her rides everywhere, did everything for her with little in return (I just wanted friendship). Then the first week of january I ask her to take an hour ride with me while her kids are at school. She blew it off. I let it go, but didn’t talk to her for a few days. when I did talk to her I told her that I was a little hurt by that. She decided to tell me to grow up and how I dont need my hand held for a car ride! I also lent her an outfit and $60 in december, along with many DVD’s. I recently decided to stop lending things out because no on returns them. So, last week she texts me daily asking if her mom can borrow ALL my season DVDS of ghost whisperer and I nicely told her I am sorry but I am not lending things out anymore. Then she says “Oh i see, this is about your clothes, they dont fit me anymore and what the hell am I suppose to tell my mom, she thinks we’re friends?” I said we are friends, its nothing personal. Also, that week she was having a birthday party for her son, and “claims” to have sent me a invitation I never received, just a last minute text message invite with no party start time mentioned. I had no money for a gift, had plans, and never agreed to go and therefore didn’t go. Three days later I text her to see if I can pick up my things and get the money she owes me and she called me SCREAMING at me again, saying things like “I cant believe I went to church to make you my daughters godmother.” I kept asking her what I did and if it was because I didnt want to lend her mom my DVDS? She just said no and wouldn’t tell me. Then she said she was leaving for las vegas in 3 hours and cant talk and hug up on me! I said I would come get my things now and she must have cash if she is going to vegas (I was dirt broke!). She started sending me text messages calling me names, every name in the book. Mind you, she has several drug addictions, has anxiety so bad that she is 30 and never got her license, a sex addict, smokes crack and has 2 litle kids to care for that live there! I was the best thing in her life and did so much for her and she crapped on me and called me names for no good reason at all. I did nothing wrong to any of these people. I h
ave handed my friends my last $10 for gas, invited them over for gourmet meals I cooked, traveled in snow storms to bring them necessities, spent all hours of the night hearing their problems…just to be called names and made fun of. Any problems I had were thrown in my face and used against me in the end. And people wonder why I just stop talking to them? I think this world is full of selfish people who only care about themselves and don’t care at all about maintaining friendships. I thought friendship meant everything to me and I went out of my way to be the best friend possible and I just got dumped on time and time again. I wish they just vanished. Instead they called me names and threw previous problems of mine in my face. I have been blown off probably more times than anyone in the country! The girl who ignored me for 2 months even had the nerve to throw in my face the fact that I stop talking to people when they crap on me and wrote “aww poor baby got hurt.” What kind of friend does that? I am sickened by all the people I have called friends. I will be very careful in the future as to who I call a friend. I doubt anyone has had as many or as horrid friends or friend problems as I have and I am one of the nicest people in the world. People mistake my kindness for weakness and walk all over me. I have learned some things from my experiences. I have learned to not be friends with alcoholics or drug addicts because they aren’t right in the head. I have learned to not be friends with girls who are on welfare and have no good reason to not be working, especially when both their kids are in school. I’ve learned not to lend anyone my things, or I am basically giving it to them. I have learned to not lend my money to anyone. The candle thief had been a known compulsive liar since we met, so I will go ahead and say there is a good chance a compulsive liar is also a thief. I have also learned that women who are constantly telling you how great they are and putting you down to make themselves feel good will get quite annoying to be around. I have learned to be really careful about who I let into my life. I have especially learned that sometimes we are better off alone than with bad friends. No friend is better than a bad friend in my opinion. I have actually started to write a book about bad friends and when it is time to stop being friends with someone. Until getting this link in the mail, I wasn’t sure if my book was a good idea, but now I believe that it is. Apparently I am not the only one in these positions. To those of you who have friends who have vanished on you, I can say with certainty that you hurt their feelings by something you said or did and you don’t know how many times you have done it or how many others did it to them before and if when you did it was the straw that broke the camels back. If she or he was a good friend worth saving, write them a letter and tell them what they mean to you and that if you did something that hurt them you are very sorry and would really like to talk about it and work on the friendship. After the girl who ignored me blew off my party (2nd time she did that) and ignored me for 2 months, along with ignoring me asking her to take me to my surgery, she sent me a letter that said “I am thinking what you must be thinking about me right now and I must say that I don’t care.” Well, then I didn’t care either. That was a terrible letter and she wonders why I stopped talking to her? The letter has to show that you care, you value the friendship and you want to work things out. Even if you don’t know what you did. Although most of you seem to have a clue as to what you did, it never hurts to ask. I always wondered why older people would say, “count yourself lucky if you have 1 or 2 good friends.” Now I know how true that expression is. Oh and another thing, this same girl I was just speaking of, who was my best friend for almost 30 years, decided to not even ask me to stand up in her wedding in 2001! I cried and cried, even at work from the hurt that caused me. When I asked her she told me that she didn’t have enough men on the other side!I eventually cried enough to convince her to let me and I had to stand up alone! All she ever did is tell me the “bad” things I did to her, which really all were just reactions to times she screwed me over. She never could acknowledge the awful things she did to me first! People are oblivious to their own hurtful, nasty behaviors, but have no qualms to throw one little thing you do in your face. I am in shock everytime I think about these experiences and how I was treated after how great I was to everyone. They all lose out because I am a rare and great friend and person to all who know me. My Dad’s nickname for me is Mother Theresa because I am always helping everyone. Now I know why people become bitter and hateful later in life, they get pushed into it. I think being a bitch leads to a better life now than being a nice helpful good friend. Thanks for listening to my story. This all has been bothering me and it felt good to tell someone. I hope you all are able to resolve your friendship problems and remember that proper communication is the key to everything! Good luck to everyone.

I wanted to pose something from another perspective — I went “dark” on a few friends many years ago..
When I was in my 20s and single, I had 3 close gfs. The best (or worse) analogy that I can use to describe the friendship is as those as appeared in “Sex in the City.” While we not nearly as “fabulous,” rich, or thin, our lives were intertwined as such that as we moved from girlhood into womenhood and the situations that brings, we became like surrogate family.
I decided to “go dark” after I met a man whom I wanted to marry. I had been the “Samantha” of the group — dating a lot (not nearly has having as much sex, though) — and having a pretty good career, apartment, car, etc. The man I choose to marry, however, was not the type of man my friends thought I should marry — he wasn’t “Mr. Pizazz.” After I got married, my husband and I did have some problems and I was seriously considering divorce. I tried to talk to my friends about this as I attempted to untangle the jangle of feelings I had about my husband. Instead of understanding, I received a lot of judgement from my friends, which I felt unjustified. I had not rushed into getting married.
I decided the best way to deal with the situation, at the time, was to just silently remove myself from their lives. I was so mad (and hurt) at the time, that I wanted to hurt them as much as I felt hurt by their lack of understanding. So, I stopped returning calls, etc.
Looking back on it now, I realize that my actions were completely childish, unfair and very hurtful to 3 women I realized I loved very much. But so much time had passed, it was too late to go back. I guess maybe it is never too late to say “I am sorry I acted like a twit, but you really hurt my feelings…” but it feels like it is.
So, not justifying the actions of why people “go dark”, but I did want to illustrate that there are often hurt feelings behind their actions.

I wanted to pose something from another perspective — I went “dark” on a few friends many years ago..
When I was in my 20s and single, I had 3 close gfs. The best (or worse) analogy that I can use to describe the friendship is as those as appeared in “Sex in the City.” While we not nearly as “fabulous,” rich, or thin, our lives were intertwined as such that as we moved from girlhood into womenhood and the situations that brings, we became like surrogate family.
I decided to “go dark” after I met a man whom I wanted to marry. I had been the “Samantha” of the group — dating a lot (not nearly has having as much sex, though) — and having a pretty good career, apartment, car, etc. The man I choose to marry, however, was not the type of man my friends thought I should marry — he wasn’t “Mr. Pizazz.” After I got married, my husband and I did have some problems and I was seriously considering divorce. I tried to talk to my friends about this as I attempted to untangle the jangle of feelings I had about my husband. Instead of understanding, I received a lot of judgement from my friends, which I felt unjustified. I had not rushed into getting married.
I decided the best way to deal with the situation, at the time, was to just silently remove myself from their lives. I was so mad (and hurt) at the time, that I wanted to hurt them as much as I felt hurt by their lack of understanding. So, I stopped returning calls, etc.
Looking back on it now, I realize that my actions were completely childish, unfair and very hurtful to 3 women I realized I loved very much. But so much time had passed, it was too late to go back. I guess maybe it is never too late to say “I am sorry I acted like a twit, but you really hurt my feelings…” but it feels like it is.
So, not justifying the actions of why people “go dark”, but I did want to illustrate that there are often hurt feelings behind their actions.

I confess “going dark” on the more toxic relationships, only after the “get it out in the open” talk. After a while actions speak louder than what words can say. For example: unreturned phone calls/messages 2-3 times, makes a LOUD and CLEAR statement of not wanting further “talk”, the next one is “We must get together….soon, but soon never happens even with the most liberal of schedules for meetups, then there is the “I’m too busy,” and that can be legit, but come on even a short “Hi, how’s it goin?” is too much to ask….of a friend? Recently, someone that told me I was her best friend has made so many excuses not to see me, that I made up my mind that this is enough. We’ve already been down this road over the last 3 years too many times. It’s time for me to move on and take responsibility for my part in this pretense. So it is, and so be it. I can’t MAKE anyone want to be friends, or hang out with me that doesn’t want to. That’s fine, maybe the relationship was there to teach a lesson right!? Of course lessons work both ways.

Someone sent me the link to this site because she knew I have been suffering for 3 years over the loss of a friendship that was very important to me.This person is never far from my mind or heart yet not in a good way.As far as “going dark” I hardly think that is a fair way to end a friendship, especially one that has gone on for a time.My “friend” was irritated baout an e mail I had sent her but never responded to it. We spoke on the phone several times afterwards and I got the impression that my words were accepted as constructive critism considering I was telling her how I felt becasue of some of her actions.I was misatken and she blindsided me 3 weeks later by calling and absolutely blasting me in a surprise ambush which left me speachless.A conversation after the original e mail would have been the better way to go, at least in my opinion. This “friend” had been very close.We spoke several times a week sometimes several times a day in our cross country relationship.When she moved she became friendly with a lot of people who were higher up in our hobby and apparently felt I was darining her and suffocationg her even though our relationship or habits had not changed.She simply found ” better,more influential” women to befriend and I was out.To hear her complaints about me was devestating and I feel they were intentionaly harsher than she actual felt but she had a goal to accomplish and she did it.I at first felt like the loss of her friendship was like a divorce or even a death.I came to wonder just how many years she had been using me to amuse herself until she moved up the ladder.It made me dounbt my perceptiveness and judgement and to this day has left me feeling so vulnerable that I stay mostly to myself not being able to trust any one again.I guess we were just “friends for a season” One she decided the length of on her own.

I just think it’s very sad to lose friendships that you thought were people who were mature and close enough to you to handle whatever problems arise. But, from my experience most people just aren’t mature enough to handle when others have problems and aren’t there to rescue them from theirs. The video describes how friendships that aren’t helping you grow, are tearing you down, so yes you should not hang on to those friendships if the persons goals are to tear you down, but it’s also worth making sure that’s truly the case. If they are truly needing your help, then it would be good to be a true friend and help them, but if you can see they aren’t truly your friend and just using you, then it’s not worth investing all your energy into helping them, but hopefully you will at least still remain civil with them when all is said and done.

I have this ugly friend who has been taking advantage for 14 years. After I celebrated my birthday in my house and gave them more than what they game me I ended the friendship.
I wish to share more of the story, but this keeps jumping and saying that it expires the limit.

It’s funny that this topic has been highlighted in recent weeks as I recently went through a friend breakup. This person came into my life through a mutual friend we lost about 2 years ago. We became pretty close, talking everyday, helping with childcare, giving advice about work, life in general and guys-can’t leave them out! Last year I met this guy and started a long distancee relationship. She knew most of what was going on. He came over and they met and she even hooked up with his cousin. I did notice that she would make very negative comments about him sometimes, even advicing me to dump him or getting involved when we had disagreements. i was a bit cautious, but tried to see it as concern or her over-reacting.
Early this year I had a birthday dinner and she was supposed to come after work – we spoke till about 4pm and she said she would be there. I didn’t hear from her again.
2 weeks later she called my boyfriend to’explain her side of the story’. Funnily enough, I had only mentioned it to him the day before. Her story was that her child, who lives with a relative 3hrs out of london, had an asthma attack and she was worried and had to go get her. Then days turned into weeks and neither of us communicated. He said she didn’t ask him to tell me or be a mediator, so I thanked him for the info.
They then started talking very often and I came across a communication where she said she was ‘thinking about him’. I mentioned tohim that he should be careful o the way people view his friendliness as it could be seen as him reciprocating the person’s feelings. His response was that when a woman wants something, she goes all out to get it. Well, he came to visit her, 1hr away from me, telling me that he was somewhere else. I went to visit him and she calle dme the day I wnt there, trying to confirm my whereabouts. I confronted him before I left and of course he denied everything.
After my return, we attempted to make things work, but he was too guilty as I never asked him anything again. He then brought up her issue and I told him I had nothing to say about that, but if he wanted out of the relationship then maybe it was for the best. He said he would never replace me with my friend, but didn’t deny sleeping with her.
I had been speaking to the cousin my friend had been dating and he was also very shocked about what had happened, because they were being very creative with their stories, trying to pitch everyone against the other, but never admitting they were together. My boyfriend eventually found out that even when I asked him about this, I had tons of evidence which I didn’t bother present to him. He was guilty and mad and ranted at me and we haven’t spoken since. My ex friend is now trying to make their relationship work, but he’s already pulling back and trying to communicate with me.
I do feel sad about what happened as we seemed to have a good friendship, but if she was stupid enough to think that she would be able to do all this and succeed, well, she will find out soon. I was angry, but now I’m just really sad that things had to turn out this way and it makes me weary of future friendships. I’m still working on not becoming so negative about friends in general.

I was blind sided.. My best friend for 26 years… On the day I returned home from my Mom’s funeral, I called her still crying
The lost of my mom was devestating for me. My girl friend dumped me.
Stating that I had too much drama in my life. And that my family always came first. She had moved on to new friends. And I didn’t really know how to be a friend.
I feel I lost all most everything in one day. I don’t think I can let anyone get that close again. Friendships aren’t for me.

As sad as all your stories are, at least they let me know that I am not alone. First, for the poster who lost her friend of 26 years – clearly, this person had no idea whatsoever what it means to be a friend. Apparently, you had never had anything so upsetting happen in your life before, or it would have been already clear that she couldn’t handle the real stuff. I am so sorry for you, that you lost your mother and that you feel so lost without your “friend.” Obviously, she was *not* your friend, and that is *not* your fault, it is her weakness as a person. Let her go. It will be hard since you had a long-term relationshi, but she is not worth it.
Since you are afraid of new friendships, I would suggest counseling to help you with both of your grieving situations – your mother and your friend. A counselor will know what to do and how to direct you. I cannot encourage you enough to do this. Again, I am sorry you are going through this.
As for me, I had a very close friend for 10 years, who also just stopped calling me, out of the blue. In times past, I would have thought it was because of something I did, but I know now that it is his own weakness as a person that he has chosen to show me and our friendship such disrespect. I tried to call him a number of times, e-mail him a number of times, even add him as a “friend” on Facebook. He ignores me. I can’t believe he would just let 10 years just go down the tubes like that, and it is very hurtful, but I understand that I can’t control his actions. So I say “Forget him,” and I will look for new people to add to my life who *will* respect me enough treat me and our friendship as adults.

My husband & I had made friends with a couple down the street with a child the same age as one of ours. The kids were in preschool together & then elementary school. We included this family in on most of our family functions – Easters, birthdays, bbq’s/ get togethers – even some parties that were at our relatives homes. They always came. When this couple decided to get divorced a few years later- I was there when she cried. I watched her child regularly over the summer while she worked and then would pick up her child after school so that child wouldn’t have to sit in daycare. I would “babysit” when she started dating again. Then I started noticing that although I was watching her child & my own 3 regularly – whenever she would have a fun outing with her child – she never recriprocated in inviting my child along – she would invite other kids. We all know what happens when someone starts dating – friends sort of fall to the wayside and I hadn’t really seen her for awhile aside from some emails as she had quit her job & moved in with the boyfriend. She asked me if we were to have our annual party that summer as she wanted to attend with her new beau. Since she had expressed an interest in coming to the party – we sort of excluded the ex-husband who was still living down the street to avoid an awkward situation. I told her the details only to never hear from her & of course she never came to the party. I admit I was a little hurt that at least I didn’t even get a phone call and even more embarassed after running into the ex-husband who remains friendly who had known about our annual party and hadn’t been invited! The final straw was at the beginning of this school year – when her child invited mine with a few others to their house for that weekend. only by the end of the week, we never got the “formal invite”. We let it go…until her child made sure mine had known what a “blast” that get together was and my child felt hurt & excluded. That was it! I had to say something. I had known them since our kids were 3 years old, always treating their child like one of my own and to have mine be hurt after all of this? We exchanged a few emails about it, when I was told by her that the kids had outgrown each other, (though our kids still “hang out” at school and are now nearing Jr. High.) Now I find out that today is her wedding and I never got an invitation. Even though I am not so sad about losing her as a friend – I know it was all one sided – but I am mad for allowing myself to be used.

I wonder if any of you have experienced a ‘friend triangle’. I have know ‘J’ for 15 years. I then met ‘H’ about 10 years ago. J and H met through me. We get together several times a year with other couples and have a great time. A few of us get together for ‘girls night out’ also. ‘H’ is a lot of fun. She’s creative and usually initiates all of our get togethers; BUT – she is a terrible gossip. I’ve learned to accept her as what I call a ‘fun friend’ and not tell her anything I wouldn’t want repeated. H and J went out a few times (just the two of them). H started to talk about me. J then calls me and tells me everything H said. I remembered that J has done this same thing with two other friends. The two other friends had known each other for over twenty years. There was a slight problem between the two; J got in the middle of it, (telling one friend what the other said about her) and now those two are no longer friends. I wonderered if anyone else has experienced this and what the outcome was. Thanks for any help you can offer.

After 20yrs of friendship my best friend dumped me through facebook. We both got married last yr. My wedding was 1st and her 2nd. I was her Maid of Honor. After her honeymoon she stopped most contact with me. We’d text or email from time to time. I knew something was wrong but everytime I’d ask her she said nothing was wrong. After 4 months of barely speaking she finally came out with the truth. She was very angery with me. Angery I had gotten married the same yr she had, amongst other just as childish issuses. However, she didn’t want to talk about it. Just emailed me a long list of her angers and at the end told me to take care and maybe one day down the line we could be friends again. My heart is broken. Why didn’t she come talk to me when she first felt hurt? Why did she left it fester? And why after 20 yrs of being best friends wouldn’t she sit down and talk things out with me? Don’t we owe that to eachother? My side could help clear problems up. I feel a mixture of anger and such hurt. I can’t imagine looking at me wedding picture 10 yrs down the line and explaining to me child who that lady in the picture next to me is…

There is such a need for women to have these discussions….not just about how to end a friendship, but how to endure the being dumped by a friend. I wish the people running this website would start a discussion board or other venue to keep this going. So many things people have said have hit responsive chords that I won’t respond to all, but will say that I have learned (though don’t always practice what I preach) that when one is treated unkindly it is more often a reflection of the other person’s problems and deficiencies rather than one’s own. But it still hurts. As far as the friendship “triangle” goes, I would recommend that the poster read a terrific book called “Mean Girls Grown Up” by Cheryl Dellasega, PhD. It’s not an exaggeration to say that reading that book changed my life. The person in question is a grown up “middle bee” engaging in middle school behaviors….
Thanks so much for this topic and those who have so bravely shared their own stories.

I dumped a friend. I went dark on her. We had lived together and over the course of a year and a half our relationship had deteriorated in to something that was toxic for both of us (not just the way we treated each other but the behaviors that we enabled each other to engage in). After I told her that I wasn’t going to live with her anymore she started avoiding me. If I came home, she would go hide in her room. If she had something to say to me, she would have the other roommate say it to me. While I don’t feel this way now, at the time I would’ve said that I had grown to hate her.
Apparently, the end of our relationship has been very hard for her. Ending our friendship was one of the best decisions I have ever made but I do wonder if I could’ve made things easier for her if I hadn’t just gone silent. I don’t think there was anything to ‘talk out’. I wanted our friendship to be over. I don’t miss her or think that there was anything salvageable. If we had talked at the end of the relationship I wouldn’t have had anything nice to say and it would have probably been more of a yelling match but maybe a yelling match would’ve helped her. I have to say though that I was surprised that she felt I had ended our relationship wihtout warnign because she pretty much made it clear to me in those last months that she didn’t like me anymore. If she did indeed still like me, she had a funny way of showing it.

I am in the middle of trying to decide what to do with a current friend. I don’t like the idea of “going dark” on her, but she hasn’t responded to any of my attempts at true communication. So I am stuck. We have been friends for over 15 years, but she really hurt me when she showed zero interest in my engagement. When I called her an told her that she had hurt my feelings, she said “I’m sorry, but I don’t care.” So I was hurt even more. So then I wrote her a two page letter. Nothing. I have been there for all of her major life events (engagements, showers, weddding, babies, rocky marriage issues, her important professional events). I feel like a doormat and I am tired of her self centered approach to our relationship. However, she doesn’t seem to want to talk about any of our issues, so I guess she has made her point loud and clear. We seem to be in an odd place, we still communicate, and I recently went to see her for a couple of days. So perhaps she doesn’t think anything is wrong? It is interesting, if she were a man and treated me this way, I would have dumped her long ago.

I have just been dumped by my friend of more than 18 years. After 18 months of hot and cold I finally asked if there was something wrong. I got a 2 page letter that basically said I am a bad mother, bad wife and bad friend which left me stunned. I took 2 full weeks to digest it before answering it in my own letter. A month went by when I sent her a text asking if she had any available time to talk but she was too angry and said I should have agreed to disagree instead of sending her my letter. Today it’s been over a month and I sent a casual invitation to her (other people were invited and I wanted to avoid more issues so I made sure she got one too) only to come home and find that her husband is no longer on my facebook friend list…so I sent him a friend request saying “I noticed you’re not on my list anymore?”. Within an hour 2 more people in their family removed me as a friend. She hasn’t removed me yet, but I think that might be because she’s not home from work yet. Oddly, no one has removed my husband from their friend lists…I really thought we would get together eventually and talk it over but now I feel her husband has gone on a campaign against me and the friendship is now well and truly dead. Without a word spoken…I am completely stunned and devastated. Feelings made worse because I introduced friends from work into that circle tht I have been kicked out of and it has affected my job…apparently my work friends have been spending time at their house this summer for parties etc…This is a huge mess and I have been trying to hold my head up but tonight I don’t know how to keep doing it…

If you are thinking about ending a friendship with someone, please do not just “go dark” on them. My ex-best friend of 14 years did that to me several years ago and it left me blindsided and devastated for a good 18 months. There was nothing I saw that I did to trigger it. In fact, we had made plans to go out for dinner for my birthday. I never heard from her again. I went through a roller-coaster of emotions and was left feeling very vulnerable and unsure of myself for quite a while.
I know it’s a painful topic of conversation to broach with someone else (and I’ve been the breakee since with another ex-friend), but please have the strength of character and respect to discuss it with the other person before severing ties. You might just help minimize the impact your choices have on someone who you once cared about.

I don’t want to be mean, but you must have a pretty sad existence if you really worry or are concerned about who has you ‘friended’ on facebook. I mean, come on…

Hello,
I am going to say this for your own sake. Nobody goes cold on someone out of sheer malice unless they’re a nasty piece of work. Look again at the letter that was written and see if there is any truth in it or at least how this person could get that impression. Take a look at how you may have contributed to what has happened and and then write again answering the accusations as honestly and humbly as you can without losing your self respect. Apologise where you feel you may have been wrong and then let it go, you can do no more.
God Bless
Margaret.

I am now in a situation that I dont know what to do. I am so angry with my friend and I was her bridesmaid, and she was mine. We have known eachother for 16 years now. I dont know what to do, just let the friendship die out or talk to her before I quit.
We have always had issues because we are very different, but we have stayed in this friendship for 16 years anyway. When we first met we both were shy and she did not have many friends. I always was more focused on interior of person, while she was shallow. This was the main issue. And she was quite mean sometimes, always laughing at my problems but I thought this would pass as we grew up.It didn’t.I did answer back and quarrel with her about this, but no use.
And then I experienced major issues in my life 2 years ago. A death in family and I got anxiety and stress disorder. At the same time she was getting married and asked me to be her bridesmaid. I said yes, and this turned out to be very bad for me. I did many things and was really there as a bridesmaid for her, but never did ssh ask me how I was coping with the death of a young family member.She just was saying she is so glad that she didn’t experience anything like that.Never a word of kindness or anything. I was at her wedding and there she totally ignored because now her shallow self was the center of attention. After wedding dinner I excused myself and went home because I was feeling sick and exhausted totally. And day after the party she said to me that she didn’t care that I did all I did for her as a bridesmaid(arrange parties, buy and cook etc.). She said that I went early from the wedding and that was such a selfish thing from me. After this statement I was so mad at her that I cut her out on facebook and hoped she would get the point. She didn’t. I added her again on facebook because I thought we should fix it since we knew eachother so long and were bridesmaids. She got pregnant and I went to her with a gift when the baby was born. I had gained a couple of pounds due to stress in my life this last two years, and she stayed thin even after pregnancy. That is good but she managed to put me down by talking about how fat she was and she must loose pounds (insensitive and shallow again). Then a few months went by after this and I didnt hear anything from her. I called her to ask her about our friendship. And she was saying she thinks I am selfish (again because of I went early from her wedding) and she thinks our friendship is over. And if we have more contact again then it won’t be every day. I said ok, but inside I was boiling. How dare she, the queen of selfish, call me selfcentered? How dare she dictate how often we should talk or not, isn’t this un unfriendly thing to say? Also she was saying that her new “friends” are so much better than me. Those are people she has known for top 6 months because of the baby. And I see on facebook on how she has totally changed face in front of them, she is nice and overly positive. I really hope her true colors show after a while. She also brags to me a lot that she has many new friends now and that she has a baby and I don’t. My other friends say that I should cut her out and that she is really bad for me. But she was my bridesmaid. Should I go silent on her forever or should I have the talk? A part of me wants to dish it out in a talk and then leave her, get it off my chest. But I have so much bottled up that I feel it will explode too much if I meet her and talk?
What do you think? Thankful for any advice:)

The breakup you just experienced will forever change who you are. Maybe you’ll notice the change in 6 days or 6 months but you will never be the same again. This is your chance to search through the rubble of your destroyed relationship, find what is salvageable, and become your own architect using the open space left by the demolition to design a new life.

I have always been the loyal friend & I stuck by a friend who was in & out of my life for over 20 years. I invited her into my circle of friends. We supported each other through the tough times & I continued to offer support when she struggled, sending a card, giving encouragement on the phone, going out to lunch & suggesting counseling, as she talked about “not wanting to be alive”. When she was upset with me & pulled away, I was always the first to try to make peace. Finally, I became exhausted, feeling like it was my responsibility to lift her up & keep her entertained. I have had a large circle of friends & when she could not afford to do an activity that I was doing with other friends or when I went out with a friend without her, she laid a guilt trip on me. I finally had enough when I realized that it had become a toxic relationship. I should have met with her or talked to her over the phone, but I only made things worse by ending our friendship in an email when I was angry. I later apologized for the way I ended things. We would run into each other & she kept apologizing & I said that there was no reason to apologize & that things just changed & we both made mistakes, but I would always care about her. It’s like the ending of a marriage when you’re no longer meant to be in each others lives, but you wish the other person the best.

I tried being honest with a “friend” and tried to resolve things but as soon as she had opportunity to throw words back at me, she took it. I wrote her a letter and sent it telling her I wished her no harm but I was done. I have no idea what she is doing now.
Another girl (i was her bridesmaid) just became so toxic that I didn’t want to spend time with her. For a long time I made excuses for her – the husband, the children and I was her bridesmaid after all. After months of being treated like a disappointing child I just stopped making the effort. For nine months I was being screened in all sorts of ways to check for cancer, was in danger of losing my job and recovering from mono and got one message from her in all that time that was almost pleasant. I figured, if I got bad news, I wouldn’t spend my last days with her and the whole bridesmaid issue was made easier when I realised I had made no contract, I didn’t marry her and quite frankly I would not have blamed her husband for leaving.
It was hard both times. Mutual friends (who spent little or no time with these women)were annoyed but I am much happier in myself (and healthy thankfully) It takes guts but knowing it’s over allows you to look back with good memories.
Flogging it until it is dead and you cannot bear to even hear their name is a bad idea.