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“APRIL is the cruellest month,
breeding Lilacs out of the dead land,
mixing Memory and desire,
stirring Dull roots with spring rain.
Winter kept us warm, covering
Earth in forgetful snow, feeding
A little life with dried tubers.”
– T.S. Eliot, The Wasteland
Though I was calling it “Ungrateful for a Break in the Cold Gray Weather” and “Lame,” apparently some doctors have a kinder, more clinical term for the nice weather blues: “Spring Exacerbation.” No one knows why exactly suicides are at their highest this time of year, or why those suffering from SAD can get an extra dose of wham-slam when the sun re-appears. Some say sadness meets a slight energy lift–just enough to act on ruminations. Others speculate that there’s a feeling of “Wow it’s gorgeous out and I still feel crappy? That must mean I will never be happy.” Whatever it is, it’s true.
As someone who spent the weekend feeling absolutely blammoed by the extreme shift to utter gorgeousness, T.S. Eliot (above) makes sense. There’s something oddly comforting about the misery of winter, and a camaraderie with even those who aren’t normally depressed. When the sun comes and wrenches those lilacs from the earth and families and friends and couples all play frisbee and have picnics and talk about how happy they are, it’s almost too much to bear. And then that fact–that I’ve waited and prayed for spring and now I can’t even enjoy it–makes me feel like an ungrateful wretch in addition to completely alone and raw and skinless. The bad-thought pile-on.
I guess I’m writing about this for my own sense of needing to tell, but also to say to people who might think that no one else could possibly be bummed when the sun is beaming and the flowers are blooming–on a weekend no less–that you’re not alone. And from what I’ve read, things should start to level out again in June.
Meantime, if you or a loved one is suffering from the beautiful weather blues, be gentle, find softness, and try and get let a little sun. I’ve found that near-twilight felt easiest–the pressure was off to have a FANTASTIC day, you know? And here’s a reminder that a friend simply and potently texted me yesterday when I asked how I could possibly be depressed in this yummiest of weather: “You’re loved,” he said. And so are you.
Do you get depressed in the spring? How do you cope?
*Thank you, Jimi, for writing so adeptly about depression.
posted April 28, 2009 at 10:29 am
I like the Spring. It is summer that I can’t stand. I hate the heat and since I have anxiety and do suffer from depression, it seems that the heat makes my axiety worse. I even have read once in an article that there may even be people who suffer from seasonal affective disorder in the summer months. I probably would be one of those. I think summer is alot like christmas in the ense that we have high expectations for ourselves. Usually most of out time is spent outdoors and the days are longer and if one doesn’t have much activity going on it can be a long and boring summer. You see other people having fun and going for barbecues and to the beach. I don’t like the beach either. I don/t like crowds and it seems that when the weather is really hot, everyone comes out of the woodwork and the streets become overpopulated.Unfortunately, I live in the city but one of my dreams is to one day have a place in the country.
posted April 28, 2009 at 12:14 pm
This is a really beautiful piece of writing. Rejoice in that! Sun or no sun.
posted April 30, 2009 at 12:14 pm
This article put a lot of thoughts I’ve had recently into a fine form. Spring finally hit here the past two weekends but I’ve spent most of it inside. The closest I could get to figuring out why is that driving around felt the same as I feel on Fridays – how everything and everyone was else was around living happy and here I am. Like, where is my place in all this. I look forward to spring and summer all winter and when it’s finally there it’s kinda…meh.
posted April 25, 2010 at 5:08 am
Thanks for this post. It makes me feel better knowing I’m not the only one feeling this way (every single) spring… What I found helpful for me during this time is a lot of relaxing, peaceful activities in nature (such as gardening, long walks, picking medicinal herbs) but AWAY from too cheery, exciting and joyful people (which has an opposite effect of getting me even more depressed for reasons stated above).
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posted April 14, 2011 at 9:41 am
I also have Spring Exacerbation and sometimes have a time in September when the days are getting noticeably shorter that I don’t feel very well. I have Seasonal Affective Disorder along with depression and anxiety. My therapist is the one who tipped me off to the spring and fall mood issues, saying that she has seen this repeatedly in her practice. The good news is that it does pass and I try not to be too hard on myself for not being as happy as many others are with early Spring.
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