Yes that is extremely annoying…I hate it.

It’s not an entirely bad thing. It helps me to decide who cares what I’m saying. Which helps me to decide who I want to hang with.

I was terrible at doing that and have ruined many a good conversation because of it. Oh by the way, RUDE is what I call it.
I still slip up from time to time but with large amounts of mental muscle it rarely happens today.
Repeating back what they said is a great idea but you just can’t always do that such as when there are several people involved in the conversation.
What finally worked for me was learning how to really listen.
I am teaching myself how to listen by using tv commercials. When a commercial comes on I try to remember the first 5 sentences and when it comes on again I try to say those 5 sentences before they do.
Another ploy that still works great is to treat whoever I am listening to as if it is their lunch order. With the people I know getting their lunch order wrong makes them very unhappy.
I know these sound a bit odd but it works and that is the key.
Like Dr. Phil says “How’s that working for you?”. For me, Great!!!

Jenny has the right idea about the situation. I actually had a “friend” that I thought cared about my friendship as much as I cared about hers. I had listened to her problems over and over, even going so far as to put down whatever I was doing at the time and devoting the time to her. One day while we were talking on the phone, I decided I was going to do something I had never done before and I began to divulge my long and painful history battling an anxiety disorder. I was in the middle of my “confession” and suddenly, she LAUGHED. I was startled by this and immediately got quiet. The next thing she said was “I had forgotten how funny I Love Lucy could be!”. I was taking a huge risk and pouring my heart out to this woman and she’s watching I Love Lucy while I’m doing so??? The hurt and embarrassment I felt at that moment was overwhelming and I learned that people don’t really care about MY problems. Needless to say, she stopped being my friend that day and I haven’t heard from her since. I’ve also had a few other people like this come into my life, so perhaps something about ME attracts them. (Maybe because I’m a good listener who doesn’t particularly enjoy divulging her own problems. For obvious reasons!)

Thanks, Nomad, for the great tip. It’s interesting to think of it as something that really involves the willful ability to remember. And Jenny and Terri I hear you. It can be a good screen. And Terri, that’s really awful about your friend. Uhg. And if I might, I wouldn’t give up on humanity completely just yet! I know people who are wonderfully reciprocal listeners–and many who are lovable for other reasons. I try and test people slowly. Like, can this person tolerate hearing about how the copier broke down on me? And if not, she doesn’t get to hear about anything deeper. I’m not saying you’re not doing this already, but, just in case it’s helpful.

Thanks, Valerie, for those words of encouragement. I haven’t given up on humanity really, but there isn’t anyone I confide in either. I figure if I got to the point where I felt I needed to unload, I’ll pay for a therapist! They HAVE to listen! LOL In the meantime, I’m still here for my friends when they need a shoulder, I just don’t expect the same in return.

So true, Terri W. Being a good listener tends to attract those ‘it’s all about me’ types that want you to sit and listen endlessly to their thoughts, opinions, problems, etc. Yet interrupt or their eyes glaze over in disinterest when it’s your turn to speak. Nip those acquaintances in the bud, I say. Better to have a few ‘quality’ friends than lots of self-centered users in your world.

I do this quite often. I feel at the time like I am letting the other person know I’m listening, and that I can relate. Thank you for bringing to light the negative impact that has on the other person. I will now be more mindful, but can’t promise it won’t ever happen again.

You know, Amanda, don’t be TOO hard on yourself. I myself have done it at times, too! We ALL have. And there’s nothing wrong with that if you then allow the other person to continue with their story. You need to work on your listening skills if EVERY phone call or conversation with your friends results in you hogging the lion’s share of the conversation. My husband used to comment to me that I had been on the phone for forty-five minutes with someone and he’d heard me say only two words the entire time. I’d start out explaining something about my day and immediately, they would cut in and exclaim, “Oh something like that happened to ME a few years back….” and they wouldn’t stop to take another breath from that point onward. I’d never even get to finish what I had been trying to say because after they’d finish unloading, they’d suddenly “have to go” and that would be the end of it.
I used to have a listening problem when I was younger, too—-instead of really focusing on what the other person was saying, I’d be thinking of how I was going to respond to them. You aren’t listening if you’re worrying about the next thing YOU are going to say. Now, I stay in the moment and not only do I hear what the people are saying, I also pick up every nuance in their voices that could give away feelings they AREN’T expressing. It helps me even more to help THEM, if and when they need it.

BTW, the comment above was from ME! LOL I got screwed up when my “captcha” expired! Sorry!

Thanks for the back-up, Doforanimals (love that name you used)! I think a great barometer of when it’s time to back off from a “friendship” is when you find yourself feeling totally drained or sick after each encounter with that person. Toxic!

Thank you for your response and your solid advice!