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Recall this very funny Fran Lebowitz quote? “The opposite of talking isn’t listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.”
That’s what most of us tend to do, at least some of the time–wait for our moment instead of fully giving space for someone else’s. Our content partner Divine Caroline has a great article called “Conversation Killers: How to Stop Interrupting Others.”
Here’s a snippet: “It’s so hard to quell the impulse to interject, especially when you have a relatable story or a point you don’t want to miss making. Perhaps that’s why chronic interrupting is a trait shared by so many, including some of the nicest, most caring people I know.”
The deep sad irony being that many of us just want to be heard–not shocking in a nation of mega-talkers starved for the slowing down, silence, and receptivity true listening requires.
Interestingly, the article parses the difference between “collaborative interrupting” and “competitive interrupting”–the former being that “Oh, me too–when I was 10…” thing we do. The latter is a more abrupt style of trying to change the conversation completely. The author, Vicki Santillano, writes: “Both prevent the other people we’re conversing with from speaking their minds freely. Both make them feel that their feelings on the matter aren’t worth as much as ours.”
Point taken. What are some of your listening tips?
Check out the whole article on how to stop interrupting.
Related Features:
Listening Tip # 1: Listening for Beauty
Listening Tip #2: Don’t Pile On
How to Speak Peace: ‘Feeding Two Birds with One Seed’
[Image via: http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Ear.jpg]
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posted December 30, 2009 at 1:48 pm
i have a lot of thoughts about this. i went to 5 high schools in 4 states and found it very difficult to speak up as the new kid. i also had a parent who didn’t like “talking back,” which meant saying just about anything once told to shut up. so i would get a horrible lump in my throat whenever i wanted to speak up and would just sit there with a dozen different thoughts or responses churning in my head. later i learned i was to speak up even if my voice shakes and i found myself sometimes interrupting people. it was because for so many years i stuffed it and finally wanted to speak up, but couldn’t wait my turn, because a) i felt like i was going to burst from having waited so long to speak up b) some people talk and talk and the only way to get a word in edgewise is to interrupt (these are often people who complain that you are an interrupter) c) some people talk so long you will forget your responses if you don’t have a notepad to jot down points to respond to, so you jump on a point before they’ve gone on to the next one.
after awhile you learn it’s best just to let people talk and trust you’ll know what to say when they are done if you even care to bother by that point. sometimes people just need to be heard and don’t really want a discussion anyway.
posted January 8, 2010 at 2:41 pm
I have found that this problem is similar to one of my worst driving habits. I am always trying to jump ahead of myself in order to get to the next destination in the least amount of time. To circumvent this I often remind myself (and others) to slow down and live in the moment. Sometimes we are in such a hurry that we can’t truly enjoy the present moment because we are constantly moving toward the next. Likewise I often find myself struggling not to interrupt in a conversation because I believe that rudely negates the other person’s point of view. I am the world’s worst at this and I have worked to overcome my problem by reminding myself to be fully committed to the present moment and the current conversation by paying close attention to what is being said. I try to give my full attention and not allow my mind to wander on other things. If I miss an opportunity to add something then so be it. Another one will come along eventually and as long as I am truthful another meaningful point will come forth and present itself. I learned in 1st grade how to wait my turn in line and when I am patient my turn always comes just in time.