Dealing With Rejection (by Bart Campolo)
The other day Marty invited some neighborhood kids over to help with a mailing she brought home from work. Before they got started, she sent 12-year-old Heather across the street to fetch 13-year-old Jasmine, who has been part of our fellowship from the very beginning. Heather returned a few minutes later, alone and puzzled.
"They were in there, but they wouldn't open the door" she told Marty. "Jasmine's mother said you need to call her."
You should know that Jasmine's parents, Jacob and Mariah, are good people who have had hard lives. They generally steer clear of our dinners, but I've gotten to know them pretty well just stopping by their house. They have been hurt in some awful ways, but they have worked hard to keep their family together. They have also supported their youngest daughter's friendships with all of us. Until now.
"Jasmine can't hang around with you people anymore," Mariah told Marty over the phone a few minutes later. "We know who you are."
Marty was confused. "Who are we?" she asked.
"You're reptiles," Mariah replied matter-of-factly. "You don't want to be reptiles, but you are."
Marty was even more confused. "What are you talking about, Mariah? Who told you this?"
"It is a Prophecy from the Most High," Mariah replied.
By now, Marty felt sick to her stomach. "Please, Mariah," she said, "I don't understand." She heard Mariah ask her older daughter Jade to explain, but Jade never came to the phone.
After Marty hung up, Heather and the other kids told her they weren't surprised. Evidently, they had been hearing strange things about us from Jasmine for a few days. Later that afternoon, I went across the street to talk to Jacob face to face, but he wouldn't even look at me. No wonder. Reptiles, it turns out, is his storefront church's euphemism for children of Satan.
If all of this seems bizarre or ridiculous to you, well, I can see why. But to me, to all of us here, it seems tragic as well. Suddenly, because some crazy storefront preacher has appointed himself as prophet, and because extraordinary suffering has made Jasmine's whole family somewhat paranoid in the first place, Jasmine herself has been cut off from a circle of friends who have done nothing but bless and support her.
We have been rejected before, of course, albeit in ways not quite so bizarre. Last year, when one of our favorite neighbors suddenly would no longer speak to us, it took me months to find out that her oldest daughter, the victim of a boyfriend's molestation, had demanded her mother have no relationship with any man, including me. Over and over again, people in this neighborhood who are starving for love and friendship draw close enough to us and one another that they can almost touch those things, only to push us away for reasons that don't always make sense. And it hurts, every time.
Of course, given who and where we are, I always expected us to deal with lots of rejection. After all, this is a hard place filled with hard people who have learned the hard way to beware of strangers. What I didn't expect, however, was that so many people would reject us long after we had proven our goodness to them. I should have, of course, being a student of Jesus.
I won't insult your intelligence by spelling it out, but I will say this much: God knows better than anyone how it feels to have someone take the full measure of your love and throw it back in your face, even when both of you know they're going to have a hell of a time trying to live without it.
Bart Campolo is a veteran urban minister and activist who speaks, writes, and blogs about grace, faith, loving relationships, and social justice. Bart is the leader of The Walnut Hills Fellowship in inner-city Cincinnati. He is also founder of Mission Year, which recruits committed young adults to live and work among the poor in inner-city neighborhoods across the U.S., and executive director of EAPE, which develops and supports innovative, cost-effective mission projects around the world.
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Comments
Compassion matters most when it's expressed in these circumstances.
Posted by: Gordon | September 9, 2008 1:36 PM
It is a shame that Jacob would not talk to you. I would have talked to you no problem and even if I don't agree with your theology, my kids would be welcome to play with yours. For such is the kingdom of heaven right?
Posted by: Peter S. | September 9, 2008 2:06 PM
Thank you for your ministry in the harvest field where you labor.
Posted by: Sister Marie | September 9, 2008 2:07 PM
Bart ,
That is a hard one for kids to understand . Their innocence have a hard time understanding the stupidity and ignorance this religous person promoted .
I tend to take the Bible as a Love Story . I know God has attributes besides just Love , and we need to be obedient also . But you , I and all believers get ridiculed in this humanistic/secularistic me me me culture.
We need to strive to keep our Faith as innocent as your children , for Christ has overcome the world.
Posted by: Michael | September 9, 2008 3:23 PM
Would it help if you talked to the pastor? I know it won't help you kids understand, but it may help down the road.
As the best pastor I ever had used to say, "Living by faith has it's surprises." We'd say it both as honest truth and totally sarcastically. It's gotten me through many such instances.
Posted by: U TOO | September 9, 2008 3:57 PM
Thank you.
Posted by: Cheryl Spencer from Lewes, Delaware | September 9, 2008 4:49 PM
Thank you for your witness by keeping on in a loving way despite rejection and its hurt.
Posted by: Nance | September 10, 2008 1:15 AM
I volunteer with an urban ministry as well. Working with people who are hurting is rough, there are just so many layers to people's issues. But I just have to keep reminding myself that this is the exact reason they need Jesus. God bless you for your work, it is encouraging to hear other people struggles in the ministry. It reminds us we're not alone.
Posted by: Will | September 10, 2008 8:42 AM
Teachable moment for all involved. It hurts and it is wrong. I have had simular things happen even with 'friends' that I had in church. Not that I look for deamons behind every bush - but the Devil is alive and well.
I have learned that sometimes you have to step away from the situation and give the people what the say the want so that they can find out that is not what they needed.
This is where faith comes through and we love people even when they are not lovable.
Blessings to all!
.
Posted by: big guy | September 10, 2008 12:42 PM
Bart, thank you for sharing this, and may God bless the work you are doing.
I have never had a good feeling about these self-appointed "prophets" that take advantage of people with little education (or even people that do have some education and ought to know better). The article suggests this family is in poverty and struggling. Will this kind of worldview help them to get out of poverty by giving them the reason and self-confidence and self-respect that is necessary to take advantage of whatever opportunities are available? Or will it enable or even encourage the continuation of a self-destructive life by providing an alternative explanation of why things are the way they are?
I'm afraid it is the latter. But I suspect that families who feel they DO have opportunities to get out of poverty are less succeptible to this kind of manipulation.
Sad. But this family can be prayed for.
Posted by: I and I | September 10, 2008 3:08 PM
Thank you for this, and for the reminder: "God knows better than anyone how it feels..." This was sooo timely. God is amazing!
Posted by: janna | September 10, 2008 5:50 PM
Thank you for writing this. I hungrily and patiently read this racing towards the end in hopes of some type of salve to ease my own pain of being so re-
jected in a neighborhood that I try to work so diligently in to let my light shine. The article was no instant cure but very helpful. It enabled me to realize that it happens, and I am not alone. I hurt because I was raised in the inner city
so I do understand how people can misunderstand your heart, hear from their pastors that you are not good enough for them, and have half of the neighborhood stop talking to you for no apparent reason at all.It hurts, it hurts for my children it hurts for my grandchildren. But still I smile. Still I love and still I forgive. Thank you for sharing this article so that I know that I am not alone. And tomorrow I will go out and finish painting my fence and smile and wave as usual, knowing that they will stare, look and turn their heads the other way.
Posted by: Chap | September 10, 2008 7:55 PM
Bart,
I read your postings everytime they appear on the Sojourner's site. I am always inspired and blessed by your words and your ministry. My husband and I are serving in an urban community - he the pastor and I the "first lady" as we are often referred to in the black community. This particular article brought tears to my eyes. If only ignorance would be replaced by love.
Thank you for all you and your family do.
Posted by: Kristy | September 11, 2008 11:07 AM
This does not surprise me. From the beginning, Christians (or those who espouse to the term) have embraced compartmentalization and shut out the very people with whom they should enjoy fellowship. It's a denial of grace.
I have seen the driving force of "family values" (nowhere stated in the New Testament) allow members of churces to turn their backs on widows and other single people, marginalizing them. It has happened to me and I have seen it happen to others. I live in the suburbs, but don't feel welcome in the churches.
What you experienced is the form of judgement that Jesus warned agsinst. Pride is not far from it, but worse, it is a denial of grace and the thing that should draw us closer as the body of Christ.
Posted by: Merri Ferrell | September 11, 2008 3:26 PM
The pain in this world, so tellingly expressed here ... so strong. Perhaps one day it will be possible to talk to that pastor as a friend and brother in what he must see as, I imagine, his community, not yours. Thank you for your work. Thank you for your love. 'By this all will know ...'
Posted by: marilyn | September 11, 2008 7:43 PM
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