"All-Time Worst Christmas Movies" is not just a list, but a debate. Readers of the movie-ga-ga website Pearl and Dean recently voted "Jingle All the Way," a 1996 flick starring the current governor of California, the worst Christmas movie ever, and you can find it on plenty of other lists as well ("Nothing more than an odious, unfunny tribute to the greed and commercialism of Christmas," says a reviewer on British MSN.)But how to define "worst"? "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" tops a dishonor roll compiled recently by Dave Larsen, a writer for the Dayton Daily News, who also nominates his favorite God-awful Christmas specials. But the seemingly intentional badness of this bizarre 1964 sci-fi hash might disqualify it as a spoof. (If only. We don't recommend imbibing this film unadulterated. Try the "Mystery Science Theater 3000" version, available on DVD.) A movie has to be trying to be good to fail, right? But then, does Ben Affleck ("Surviving Christmas," 2004) ever really try?
For our money, the worst is defined by what we couldn't bring ourselves to watch, even to make fun of. And ladies and gentleman, there's no way we're watching "Santa With Muscles." Two years after director John Murlowski made this "nosebleedingly bad" 1996 Hulk Hogan vehicle, he was given the helm of "Richie Rich's Christmas Wish," possibly as punishment, and we'll even take Richie over Hulk.
For gluttons for Christmas schmaltz, Maxim has also identified the Worst Christmas Albums of 2006.
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Has there ever been a "good" Christmas movie? Of course we have to blame it all on Dickens with his damnable Christmas Carol. Just think how much happier the ending would have been if Scrooge and turned to the Ghost of Christmas Future and said, "Yes, everyone dies. Now can you tell me something I can use, like which horse is going to win in the fifth next Monday?" No more pepperoni gruel for him!
I'm really curious how many copies of Hung For the Holidays sold. I bet William himself won't listen to it. And why would Colonel Sanders record a Christmans Album? What kind of lunk head would fund these projects? Such things make you worry about the destiny of the planet.
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