The New York Times Home section runs every Thursday and occasionally they run a “Living Together” column. This week’s is more of a human (and spiritual) interest story than a story about interior design. In “Making Their Own Limits in a Spiritual Partnership,” Leslie Kaufman explores the living arrangements of “Michael Roach and Christie McNally, Buddhist teachers with a growing following in the United States and abroad,” who “took vows never to separate, night or day.”
Which means: they live together in a yurt, a 22 foot, canvas-covered domicile in the Arizona desert, sharing a bed, never moving more than 15 feet (!!) apart from each other, while…drumroll please….remaining celibate. Kaufman writes:
“By “never part,” they did not mean only their hearts or spirits. They meant their bodies as well. And they gave themselves a range of about 15 feet. If they cannot be seated near each other on a plane, they do not get on. When she uses an airport restroom, he stands outside the door. And when they are here at home in their yurt in the Arizona desert, which has neither running water nor electricity, and he is inspired by an idea in the middle of the night, she rises from their bed and follows him to their office 100 yards down the road, so he can work. Their partnership, they say, is celibate. It is, as they describe it, a high level of Buddhist practice that involves confronting their own imperfections and thereby learning to better serve the world.”
This partnership has made waves among Buddhist practitioners, with many, including the Dalai Lama, who disapprove of both their living arrangements and relationship–which, to say the least, sounds far more intense than most marriages.
“If they have renounced sex, they have replaced it with a level of communion that few other people could understand, much less tolerate. They eat the same foods from the same plate and often read the same book, waiting until one or the other finishes the page before continuing. Both, they say, are practices of learning to submit one’s will to that of another. They also do yoga together, breath for breath. “We are always inhaling at the same moment and we are always exhaling at the same moment,” Ms. McNally said. “It is very intimate, but it is not the kind of intimacy people are used to.”
Click here to read the whole story. It’s fascinating.
posted May 19, 2008 at 2:23 pm
“Submitting one’s will” was one aim of life in a religious/spiritual community. Interesting that these two would work on submitting their wills to an individual — a partner — but not to the Dalai Lama and others in the Tibetan Buddhist community who are skeptical of the practice.
posted May 25, 2008 at 11:23 am
What came to my mind with this article was…What about the delusion of ‘attachment’? I think that this couple’s practices (eating off the same plate, reading from the same page of a book, breathing at the same rhythm, staying within 15 ft. of each other at all times, etc.) can only feed the experience of attachment to each other rather than reduce or eliminate it. Not very Buddhist if you ask me.
posted May 25, 2008 at 12:26 pm
1. Is their relationship harmful to sentient beings?
2. Is their karma balanced?
3. Is there a need to judge their relationship according to our perceptions of purity?
Is not everything that one does from morning to night, just as one does it, the way?
–Yasutani Hakuun
Those who have condemned or criticized these two may see themselves as justified, but I see them as doing what their own intellects tell them is right living. If they are wrong, let someone who knows show them the errors.
posted May 25, 2008 at 1:07 pm
I see this story, and others, as a way to look inward at myself. It is not about judging others’ actions as right or wrong but insight into another’s world and how they choose to live the best life they can in a very challenging time on this Earth. Which, as I tell my little “it’s just different and different is what makes the world go round.” This story allows me to examine my thoughts and my life and gives me an opportunity to expand. I say thank you to Michael and Christie and congratulate them on their courage to live their truth… as it is for them. Thank you for the story.
posted May 25, 2008 at 2:57 pm
To some people judging others- being judgemental- is always and forever wrong. But when we see people acting in a way that seems obsessive we can , at least, make a diagnosis. One ought not to do this on the basis of a newspaper article, but the story does raise questions. The beauty of Buddhist practice is that it frees the mind from attachment so that we can be free and we can freely give happiness to oneself and to others. The couple in question have bound themselves to rigid and obsessive rules. How these rules can lead to freedom and growth is hard for me to understand.
posted May 25, 2008 at 3:14 pm
Shouldn’t they have two single beds, instead of one double bed? That would make more sense if they truly aren’t physically intimate. Just a thought.
posted May 25, 2008 at 8:48 pm
If this relationship works for this couple, I am happy for them. Most marriages require a little space. “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.”Personally, I love my lady friend, but neither of us wants to be with each other 24/7. A little distance makes those times together sweeter and more valuable.
posted May 25, 2008 at 11:24 pm
These characters are indeed in a strange presentation before the eyes of the world. As this is supposed to be a Buddhist thread then there are clear and obvious parameters which do apply ( and they do surely claim membership in the Tradition…even if Christie is only self styling herself a ‘lama’).
Basically Roach has broken his monastic vows repeatedly and undisputably ( except to his own overly clever distortion of reality ).
I know both of these people personally, Mike for over 25 years now.
The best that can be said is that perhaps their psycho-pathology will at some point become visible for the delusion that it is , and their audience grow up enough to see clearly thru the charade.
Amazing how easily spiritual seekers and yoga students can be deceived by a few clever catch-phrases and their own expectations that evil is not in full view.
For the real deal you can easily visit :
http://www.diamond-cutter.org/
posted May 26, 2008 at 11:16 am
This may be a harsh comment – but it sounds pathetically needy, to me.
Some of the “intimacies” they share seem appealing, others are almost “bodyguard” actions and most of all, do they find solitude unwelcome – it seems in most Buddhist tradition that solitude for introspection and awareness is welcomed.
posted May 26, 2008 at 12:21 pm
There is an intimacy that comes from being near someone by not having sex, but simply being near someone. The physical closeness of another is healing.