Esther Kustanowitz: August 2006 Archives

There's something about the word fluid, and it's not something good. It conjures up Ben Stiller and untraditional "hair gel"; or Bill Clinton and a Navy Gap dress; or in its least offensive incarnation, "lighter fluid." But when you add the word "Madonna" to the word "fluid," you know it's gonna be trouble.

But since mentions of Madonna these days are usually tempered by the word "Kabbalah," the newest result to this equation is:

Madonna+Kabbalah+fluid=nuclear waste disposal.

Of course. MSNBC reports:

The singer and her hubby, director Guy Ritchie, have been "lobbying the government and nuclear industry over a scheme to clean up radioactive waste with a supposedly magic Kabbalah fluid," according to London's Sunday Times. The power couple has approached various British government agencies, urging the detoxing powers of a "mystical" liquid developed by the mystical offshoot of Judaism, which is currently trendy among some celebs.

One London official called the Material Girl's scientific methodology "bollocks." Frankly, I'm no scientist, but I think that pronouncement errs on the side of being overly kind and respectful. I was just in Safed, Israel--the home of real Kabbalah--less than two weeks before Katyusha rockets fell on the region, and there was no evidence of a science research facility producing a magical liquid that cleans up radioactive waste. Maybe it was hidden between the candle factory and the handmade-jewelry vendors. However, I remember hearing that Kabbalah mystics were in the midst of working on a product called Shimmer, which is both a floor wax and a dessert topping.

Perhaps because this "fluid" story is so out there, more Madge news--with this item far less controversial or wacky--also recently hit the media. Now that she has her kids Lola and Rocco, she says, she understands how important it is to help the orphans of the world, and she's starting in Malawi:

Madonna plans to raise at least $3 million for programs to support orphans in Malawi, and is giving $1 million to fund a documentary about the plight of children there. She has also teamed up with developing-world economic leader Jeffrey Sachs on programs to improve the health, agriculture and economy of a village in Malawi, and she’s met with former President Clinton about bringing low-cost medicines to the area.

Good. Help the children. Bring Bill Clinton (but keep him away from Gap dresses). And definitely bring in the low-cost medicines. As long as they're not in fluid form.

Dear Daniel,

Our time together at the Geneva Convention was nothing short of magical... the way we "released international tension together".. back when you were just a little nameless country called "Jewlandia," and I a poor naïve Palestine, when the U.N. threw us together in the same convention booth. How did it all go so wrong? When did our Middle East passion become so muddled, all over "that stupid thing with your country being declared at the expense of my country's autonomy"?

"If only we'd sat down in a Starbucks and written a statement of mutual agreement," if only we had made a pact that day to never let anything come between us, so much fighting could have been averted. I don't regret our time together that night, but have regretted every warring moment since, and thought you should know.

Passionately yours,
Suha

The above letter, while a fabrication by this blogger, could easily have been part of the play "The Israeli-Palestinian Conflict: A Romantic Comedy," an official selection of the New York Fringe Festival. As the play's title and the above letter indicate (quotation marks indicate direct quotes from the script), the show imagines Israel and Palestine as a man and woman, respectively, who meet and fall in love at the Geneva Convention, only to have their brief union destroyed by the declaration of the State of Israel. As is the case when countries mate, there is post-affair awkwardness, which manifests as regional turmoil and violence. And of course, there are musical numbers.

The play's fearlessly "out-there" concept--typical of the annual Fringe Festival (which this year also included shows with titles like "Corleone: The Shakespearean Godfather" and "Reservoir Bitches")--comes courtesy of its Iranian-American birth mother, Negin Farsad, and her partners in writing, Alexander Zalben, and in acting, John Flynn. The show has a madcap, high-energy feel and, if just for a moment, makes us wonder, "Why can't those two wacky kids work things out?"

When the wacky kids in question are Israel/Daniel and Palestine/Suha, we all know it's not that simple. But the tropes of relationships gone haywire are surprisingly appropriate. When Suha complains that Daniel "can't balance a healthy relationship with nation-building," she needs to find an outlet for her anger. Her epiphany: "I'll take all the hatred and anger I have and use it constructively to destroy Israel!"

Over the course of the play, the actors get to play with different styles and characters. While some seem a little random (Israel and Palestine do a rap battle! Or a tango! Suha goes on reality show "Blind Date"!) others serve analogies straight up and nuclear.

Farsad plays the petulant student who is also, in the show's conceit, Iran. She wears a baseball cap and a teenager's surly and disobedient grimace. She's called into the principal's office because he's found enriched uranium in her locker. "Iran" whines and blame-shifts. "I totally saw Pakistan and India making nuclear warheads under the bleachers during recess..." The principal (playing the role of U.N.) cautions her to wait before launching an attack, reasoning that "waging war is so much better with a standing army that you love."

Love and war, two areas in which all has been deemed fair. And the line between love and hate is often hard to discern. It takes a rare and inventive imagination to set a region plagued by strife as a romantic musical comedy. If only political unrest and centuries of violence could be erased by a comedy from the fringe.