Loving the Difficult

Sadly, I think all of us who have pastored for any length of time will have encountered such people. The sad news from my experience and observation is that such situations seldom end well, there is a reason why people like this have a bad history with the churches they have attended. For what it is worth my attitude is that I have to balance love for the individual with love for the community. People like the one you have described have the potential to disrupt and destroy communities of faith, there are times when love of the community must mean confronting such threats. If I was a betting man, I would lay some money on the fact that his monthly sessions with you on theology are accompanied by sessions with any one who will listen on the weaknesses of your theology.
It is advice that I myself would not want to hear, but my advice to you is out of love for this man and for your congregation you must stand up to him and confront him when necessary. Jesus without a doubt loved the religous leaders of his day, but he also confronted them, the same could be said of Paul in his letters when he is often confronting wrong belief and wrong action.
I am in the process of church planting and have been thinking about what to do with similar people who think that a church plant is the ideal place to be a "big fish in a small pond" I got some excellent advice from another church planter who explained that no one is allowed in his congregation to lead or teach until they have spent 6 months helping set up, clean toilets and clear up for the weekend events, that way he explained only those with a true servant spirit gain a place of prominence. I suspect if you suggest toilet cleaning as a ministry to your new attender you won't see him him for dust.

For the health of the church this person needs to be confronted, which is not easy to do, or quarentined, again not easy. Knowledge is a weapon and grace is non-existent. H. B. London calls those people "joy suckers", who come and suck all the joy from your heart. He is right on.

Also do not confront this person alone, but with some of the leadership of the church - after prayer. This may skip the first step in Matthew 18, but you need witnesses and strength. Always be gracious and calm. Which going to be hard. You may have to confront him moe than once. And he leaves he will "skunk" his way out of church.

Your welcome.

I totally agree with Kent above. This person is spiritually toxic and will consume all the energy you direct his way. He needs deep healing and love, but should be given no authority without coming under the discipline and care of the body. After pastoring over 25 years, I sadly realize this type of person "shows up" in every church with some sad regularity.

"I find myself turned-off by him, but I want to love him as Jesus would if he were me. How do I do that?"

I struggle with this. Jesus was always honest with the people he dealt with, though he did sometimes bury his honest responses in parable or wit. I don't see him just smiling and nodding, though, and with the arrogant (the Pharisees in particular) he is often abrasive and confrontational. I'm sure many of them were hurting, scared of what his brand of religion might mean, but he still refused to pull punches with them. And I'll be honest with you--he makes me uncomfortable at times. I kind of wish he would make an effort to be a little more diplomatic.

Of course, he was God and he knew these men's hearts. I am not God. I don't know anyone else's heart. I could rail on those who seem to me to be like the Pharisees, but the risk I run is turning into a Pharisees, myself. Which leaves the question thoroughly unanswered.

Here's what I think: I think we follow the principle that Jesus followed while acknowledging that we do not, like him, have to privilege of knowing another's heart and so the action main not be quite as confrontational. I think we need to be honest. When we see arrogance and hurt, close-mindedness and pain, we need to find loving ways to communicate that in the context of relationship. We don't do others favors by glossing over their condition or pretending to not notice. At the same time, our response needs to be seasoned with humility and love, always remembering that we, too, have been hurting and arrogant at some point.

The biggest part of this, for me, is the relational component. I can't see into another's heart, but the closest I can come to that is to enter into relationship. From this position, I might see the other differently, or he might see things about me I do not see about myself. And I will have a kind of credibility that no title or authority can match--the credibility of love.

Hi Scot and folks: "How do I do that?" Like Porcupines making love? Very cautiously, and prayerfully- looking for some guidance that is very personal from Jesus. We were in New Orleans before Katrina, a lady was a street liver, she was also, according to everyone on the corner, dangerous and would "cut you if you messed with her stuff."We had extra food, so we took it to her, she cussed me out as we got out of the car to leave the food with her in the name of Jesus, and said she didn't want the "*&$%&^ food..." but...one of the guys standing there said, "leave it man, she'll eat it, if she don't we will." We thanked him, asked him if he was going to the mission tomorrow, he said maybe, and we parted hoping to see him there. Did we do more damage than good? Folks are sometimes hurting so bad that in trying to get them past the hurt we do more harm than good- HERE IT COMES-"But"- (ya knew that was comin' didn't ya) my sense of the Holy Spirit in me is that we have to try? We don't understand all the urgings and groanings within us, and my sense is that they exist to a lesser or even perhaps stronger degree within those who are hurting- and, we have to love them back. Not easy- which Christ said we should celebrate- he said if it's easy what do you need me for? And we need Jesus, but moreso, the hurting need Jesus..and sometimes can't see that.

Scot:

I've been there, and have no magic answers. But I would suggest (1) that since the pastor honestly acknowledges that "I find myself turned-off by him, but I want to love him as Jesus would if he were me. How do I do that?" that the pastor pray for insight, for the ability to somehow connect with this gentlemen, and, perhaps even more difficult, for the capacity to love him. However abrasive he is, to paraphrase Jesus' gracious interaction with the undoubtedly abrasive and unlikable Zacchaeus, "this man, too, is a child of God" (Luke 19:9-10). He has probably been wounded in community; he can only be healed in community. Is it possible he could be invited into relationship?

(2) It would be fair to say to him, "I have been listening to your thoughts and concerns, with courtesy and respect, for some time now. Would you now be open to listening to some of mine?" If he could be helped to move from diatribe to dialogue, perhaps some of the things which have wounded him in the past could be addressed. Possibly by listening to his story, the pastor could help him turn the anger which flows from his pain into prayer.

(3) If he is not open to dialogue, which he seems not to be, you are in trouble. Paul is rather blunt about this in Titus 3:10: "Warn a divisive person once, and then warn him a second time. After that, have nothing to do with him." I'm no Paul, but it does seem clear that if no meaningful dialogue is taking place then at some point there is no point in continuing. Jesus also advises us basically to move on "if anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words" (Matthew 10:14 and parallels).

Another relevant Scripture is Matthew 7:6, "Do not give dogs what is holy, and do not throw your pearls before pigs, lest they trample them underfoot and turn to attack you." Dallas Willard treats this text well in The Divine Conspiracy. He basically says that we have to be very, very careful who we attempt to correct or even counsel, because very few people are in a position or of such character to hear us without attacking us.