Scot,
I've got just a few pages left in The Blue Parakeet: Rethinking How You Read the Bible
, and it raised a question for
me. I resonate deeply with the need to read the Bible as story and that
has always given me a little confusion over how to interact with people
pastorally on the issue of divorce. I can understand and accept that
marital unfaithfulness, as Jesus points out, is grounds for divorce.
Fine. But I'll never forget the day when a guy in our church asked me
to coffee and then opened the conversation with, "I caught my wife
cheating and the divorce papers are in my hand," and
here he nodded toward his car, "but before I sign them, I want to know
if you think the Bible says that's the right decision?" He went on to
reference Jesus' words on infidelity but he wanted to be sure. I asked
for a week to discern and ponder the text.
So I did. And as I looked back over The Story, I was amazed at what I
found. The marriage metaphor seems to be one of God's favorite for
describing his love for the world. In a sense he married Israel at
Sinai, and if you think of the Ten words as marriage vows, then Israel
committed adultery before Moses even got down the mountain. And all
throughout the Hebrew Scriptures this story of marriage and
unfaithfulness unfolds. "You've prostituted yourselves. You've gone
after other lovers. You've give your hearts away." And yet I can't help
but see that the judgement of the prophets are punctuated, like a
chorus in a song, with this message: "BUT, return to me, and I will
relent." Then you've got Hosea, another picture of God's relentless
pursuit of an unfaithful bride.
And I guess I see Jesus as just another chapter in the story of God's relentless pursuit of an unfaithful bride, the kind of love that lays down it's life for the bride, the kind of love husbands are commanded to show their wives, just as Christ loved the church. So all that to say, I'm okay with advising people that divorce for marital unfaithfulness is fine.
But The Story doesn't seem that easy. The Story tells reveals a relentless pursuit in the face of infidelity. So I told him about what I found as I sat with the Scriptures and suggested that Jesus' words were open for him to consider as grounds for divorce, but I asked him to consider the bigger story as well.
So here's my question: am I listening to and discerning the story well? What we "think" about divorce is one thing. People in broken marriages looking you in the face and asking for guidance is another.
Blessings,
And I guess I see Jesus as just another chapter in the story of God's relentless pursuit of an unfaithful bride, the kind of love that lays down it's life for the bride, the kind of love husbands are commanded to show their wives, just as Christ loved the church. So all that to say, I'm okay with advising people that divorce for marital unfaithfulness is fine.
But The Story doesn't seem that easy. The Story tells reveals a relentless pursuit in the face of infidelity. So I told him about what I found as I sat with the Scriptures and suggested that Jesus' words were open for him to consider as grounds for divorce, but I asked him to consider the bigger story as well.
So here's my question: am I listening to and discerning the story well? What we "think" about divorce is one thing. People in broken marriages looking you in the face and asking for guidance is another.
Blessings,
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Mike Mangold -- very insightful. I would tend to agree that marriage relationship ought to stronger than the mother-child (parent-child) relationship. Perhaps for a different reason than you gave: the marriage relationship is what children use to learn about their own desired (and real) marital relationships. If we are going to be good parents, we need to be good couples.
To the rest of you beloved ones, I have two stories to tell about marriage and divorce that are quite personal to my heart.
My brother caught his wife in two infidelities in eight years of marriage. The first was only a year after their marriage. The second was in the seventh year. He finally divorced her and chose to never remarry -- not because he believed it wrong, but because he said he never wanted to go through that kind of pain again. He is a good faithful man who thankfully had one daughter (who he raised himself).
My sister is married to an emotionally abusive man (never physically) who has made her life into a daily trial for the last 20 years. She remains married -- because she believes its the right thing to do. But, ironically, she has allowed it to destroy her faith. She no longer affiliates with any Christian group.
To my brother, I say he made the right decision to divorce. Though I wish he could find another person to see through his own pain.
To my sister, I wish she could have ended that misery long ago. It benefited no one -- especially her. Her only son is on anti-depressants due to the whole environment around the marriage.
Sorry folks, I believe that Jesus wanted stable, healthy marriages. That's not always possible (hence, hardness of hearts that Jesus mentioned). But, I do not believe he ever intended us to discourage people from being in healthy marriages -- regardless how the earlier ones ended.
My two cents worth, here are the lessons that have helped me through 12 years of marriage and two children:
1. Forgiveness because I was first forgiven
2. Submission to the idea of being married -- not the person with whom I am married.
3. Having compatible goals and expectations
4. Faith that all struggles have lessons for a better life.
I guess I could go on, but I'll leave it at those.
In the hooplah about gay marriage, we (the Christian community) present this beautiful veneer of marriage: between one man and one woman, ordained of God, beautiful in its description of Christ and His church. But the outward picture is just that: veneer. The smallest blow will shatter the observer into a bleak and ugly picture of what marriage really is for so very many of us humans.
Our children are waiting longer and longer to get married and are in many cases not marrying at all. Why? Because they've seen what goes on behind closed doors. They've seen the lovelessness. They've seen the abuse. They've seen the infidelities. They've seen the silent treatments. They've seen unmet needs even if they did not recognize them as such.
We in the church have put up an idol of "Christian marriage" and fought against those who would give our idol to those we feel don't deserve it. But we don't honor it.
Our hearts are hard, indeed, when we refuse to forgive and allow the destruction of lives (both spouses, children, grandparents denied their grandchildren...) instead of humbling ourselves and forgiving as God for Christ's sake, has forgiven us.
Tami: is it really so violent?
I'm not so sure that a foundation built on rock is only a veneer of rock. Sure, our hearts our hard just like the generation of Jesus, but that doesn't mean we need to reply violence with violence. Peace, Sister.
I just stumbled across this blog post today. Very timely. Suffice it to say that I am in the waning days of a particularly painful divorce, not of my choosing, nor, as self-serving as it may sound, of my own fault (my wife left me for another man).
I've been trying these last couple of years to make sense of the Bible's teaching on divorce and remarriage. I think there are two links missing from much of the Christian discussion on these issues. The first is a distinction between a civil (legal) divorce and the breaking of the marital covenant. Marriage is both a legal agreement and a God-made union. It seems to me that there are situations where a civil divorce is warranted (infidelity, abuse, abandonment). It is a separate question entirely whether the breaking of the marital covenant (i.e. the rejection of one's love for and commitment to the other, "till death do us part") is warranted. I can't think of any example in the Bible that supports this kind of tearing asunder what God has joined together. It flies in the face of marriage as the mirror God's love. If the love I have for my wife is the kind that God has for me, the kind described in 1 Cor. 13, then it bears all things; it never fails. "To what end?", you may ask.
This leads to the second missing link: suffering. As joyous as love is, love also entails suffering, even death. ("Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her.") God is not, so far as I can tell, in the business of helping us avoid suffering. He helps us bear the burden, comforts us, leads us away from temptation and delivers us from evil, but He doesn't insure us against suffering, for it is suffering that makes us more like Christ and which draws us closer to the Father.
If our wedding vows mean anything, if our love for our spouses is unconditional, then we must abide by the covenant we made, even in the face of suffering. That's real love -- the kind that God has for us.
Will God forgive us if we divorce and/or remarry? Will he understand and have mercy on us? Of course. But if the question is whether God is pleased with it or whether it what will draw us closer to Him, then the answer must be no.
Les McFall has an interested way to deal with the exception clause in Matthew 19:9. He has written a 43 page paper that reviews the changes in the Greek made by Erasmus that effect the way Matthew 19:9 has been translated. I reviewed McFall's paper at Except For Fornication Clause of Matthew 19:9. I would love to hear some feedback on this position.
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