Lover Lay Down
There are two churches I have loved in my life: one in downtown Boston Massachusetts and the other in the heart of Hong Kong, China. I have lived my life thus far in these two places, Boston and Hong Kong, and I've only ever been a part of these two communities of believers. The problem, a real gut-wrenching dilemma to be truthful, is that I've had to lay down both loves and I now feel like a Christian in exile. I laid them down not because of anything they did wrong or I did wrong (sin is truly not lurking behind this abandonment), but because I felt that I had given these churches everything I had to give and these love affairs drained me of something more valuable: my passion for Christ.
I am a person who has served the church as both a pastor and lay member who subtly began to love the church even more than her head: Christ. Thirty years of this love-in-action has left me with three main weaknesses. First, I am weary. Tired of endless activity, tired of facilitating conflict resolution with brothers and sisters mad at one another, and tired of urging Christians to pursue acting justly and with mercy outside the walls of these houses of worship. Second, I am isolated. Having majored on nurturing friendships with Christians and now spending a lot more of my time in the marketplace, the neighborhood, and the local pub I wonder who really knows me anymore. Third, I am wondering how I can re-engage the church healthily in the near future.
I believe deeply in the Church of Jesus Christ. This is creedal for me. And I am not suggesting that I will be able to easily pursue pressing onto maturity in our Master on my own - a lonely sojourn without the Word and sacrament of a local community of believers - but here is my question: how do I (or others out there who feel similarly) re-engage a church well? How do we do this in ways that honor the seriousness the Gospel gives to a personal, yet communal, encounter with the living Lord?
I submit this to you cognizant that there are some "obvious answers" which I am aware of. But I am looking for something less obvious and more meaningful. I'd like to hear from others who may have felt, at some point in their journey, like a believer in exile.
I believe deeply in the Church of Jesus Christ. This is creedal for me. And I am not suggesting that I will be able to easily pursue pressing onto maturity in our Master on my own - a lonely sojourn without the Word and sacrament of a local community of believers - but here is my question: how do I (or others out there who feel similarly) re-engage a church well? How do we do this in ways that honor the seriousness the Gospel gives to a personal, yet communal, encounter with the living Lord?
I submit this to you cognizant that there are some "obvious answers" which I am aware of. But I am looking for something less obvious and more meaningful. I'd like to hear from others who may have felt, at some point in their journey, like a believer in exile.
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Dear Friends,
Thank you for your comments thus far. I especially appreciate your openness to discuss this and many of your recommendations (from books you have found helpful to reading widely and from other traditions to what you have spent your time doing when you disengaged from church life so you can critique, reflect, and rest to your encouragement to listen, to wait, and to trust). I appreciate all of you and will pray for you as well. I am both sad and hopeful to know so many of you have felt or do currently feel the same way. We need to pray for one another.
Here are some comments for a few of you specifically:
Josh C. - listening to the voice of Jesus. I agree. During Lent I am reading and reflecting on Gordon Smith's The Voice of Jesus (I wrote about this on my own blog yesterday). I am not a disciple who has done well with being quiet so I can hear the voice of the Master clearly in the past. This is another opportunity for me!
T - a very interesting finding (from Barna?) that you have posted for our reflection. The churchless being the 20% who did 80% percent of the work. I had not heard this take on the 20-80 rule before. I understand what you are saying when you analyze this and talk about the "podium-platform focused ecclesiology" but in my experience it was laity over-running the pastors and shepherds that ruined both of my church experiences. One of the things I am anxious to explore in my time of retreat is the question: what happens when laity rule the church? Perhaps not enough has been written/said to guide and instruct the laity as they seek to partner with pastoral teams in shepherding God's people. A lot has been written about mobilizing lay persons but not a lot has been written about the dangers of doing so!
Diane, Dopderbeck, Peggy - thank you for the insights on finding a small group - nothing big or loud, or announced and public - to meet with. I've been tossing that idea around my mind for a few weeks so your comments serve as confirmation in this regard. Peggy, your small group's story is particularly encouraging. It seems like authentic community has been built there. I yearn for this.
Dopderbeck - yes, I agree with your gentle reminder on sin. Surely I am a sinner and so are my fellow brothers and sisters from these churches. And yes, sin does lurk behind every person, motive, and act. Thank you for this reminder. In my post I only meant to say there were no obvious, open, public sins (well, isn't all sin public in some way?) that contributed to my retreat, e.g. slander, disunity, and the like.
Lee Wyatt - I'd like to talk with you more. Go to my blog (www.mswallow.typepad.com) and click the e-mail link if you'd like. I believe many pastors feel exactly like you - exiles even while we remain in church based ministry - and often my heart has broken before Christ as I seek to pray for and encourage my brothers and sisters who feel this way. And yet I have a holy and Christ-like (I believe) anger when good pastors "do something different." It seems to me we have got to find a way for churches to know the ramifications of their shepherds giving up as so many of us do.
One key word I am using to describe my experience is grief. And I am going slowly through the same stages of grief someone experiences when they lose a loved one to physical death. How many of you would use grief to describe your experiences? Someone suggested a 12-step recovery program. You know, that's not far off what we need. That or Grief Share (website is: http://www.griefshare.org/).
Soon I plan to write more about all of this at www.mswallow.typepad.com
Grace & Peace,
Mark
Beliefnet ate my last post (hopefully this isn't a double-post). Anyway,
Mark (#20) -- agreed that it is very much like grief. My wife and I have been struggling with a similar thing for about 1 1/2 years, after leaving a church we had been at for many years (and where we had both been in leadership roles). In addition to grief, I've also had a lot of anger over it.
I have this very deep desire to connect in a meaningful way to the body of Christ, but both churches I have been a part of for any length of time in my life have burned me. I'm at a stage where I feel like I just need to disconnect for a while, to let the raw emotions heal a bit. Once there is less pain -- but note before -- I plan to try again. Its almost like dating again after breaking off a relationship -- I think you need to wait to heal (not a perfect analogy, but in some ways there are similarities).
Mark,
Thanks for bringing all this up. Abuses of power are definitely not monopolized by the clergy. Hope all goes well for you.
Mark,
Yes, we all need to be praying for one another! Thanks for all your clarifications. I'm with T concerning power ... and will now offer the recommendation I thought about doing earlier but didn't: MaryKate Morse's book "Making Room For Leadership: Power, Space and Influence" http://www.amazon.com/Making-Room-Leadership-Power-Influence/dp/0830834486
If I were going to try to start a group like the one I'm in, I would like to start one around reading through this book and processing how we take up space in each other's lives. I believe this is a "third way" kind of approach to the typical clergy/laity divide and I have been profoundly impacted by its implications. I yearn to be able to process this book in a group where honest feedback can be given and received. We are all of us way too much in the dark concerning how others perceive us and how we perceive others in groups.
On the other hand, our group just celebrated its 1 year anniversary and are only now ready, I think, to process this book. Perhaps if you had a group of say 3 or 4 couples with some trust already established, it might be a good starting place to see what went wrong.
Shalom to you as you continue your journey, brother.
Mark,
Yes; I think grief is certainly part of any separation from someone or a group we love. That was my experience, even though my leaving was on the best of terms. And, yes, the 12 steps were and are helpful on this point and beyond.
If the steps are something you're interested in as means of process, here are some books I'd recommend from Don Williams (a pastor): Jesus and Addiction (out of print?), and 12 Steps with Jesus. There's also Hunger for Healing (Keith Miller), One Day at a Time (Trevor Hudson). But more important than the books is a partner or two or more to go through the steps with, if you get to the stage of wanting to work through them. God bless.
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