A very good friend of mine, Mike Bishop, wrote a book of his own very similar story. You may want to check it out or check out a few of his articles online, or email him. Just google “what is church?”; it’s at the top. I haven’t even read the book yet (just came out), but I know him and his story very well. I believe his whole point of writing the book was to connect with others who are in a similar and painful path of transition.
You may also find Todd Hunter’s book, Christianity Beyond Belief, helpful at some point. Todd was a church planter, pastor, then head of a denomination, where he was essentially pastoring pastors before stepping down to do some research. I remember hearing him say that this became a generality he carried around in his head: the small church pastors often feel like failures, and the big church pastors are pulling their hair out trying to figure out how to make the large crowd into disciples–and everyone was exhausted. I think your experience is more common than we realize.
My own path has been to work the 12 steps with someone, but specifically geared toward making my daily life and relationships into my primary, near exclusive, worship. The steps seem especially geared to work us through and out of our various kinds of “affairs” and back into functional life with God and others, in proper priority.

I can relate in ways to your story for differing reasons. I cannot assume to know the way thru for you and am still working thru this process for me. An obvious recommendation would be to hook up with a spiritual director. This has been helpful for me at times. The most helpful thing for me has been to cultivate a deeper life of solitude with Christ. For over 10 yrs this has been the daily rhythm of being with Christ in the Gospels. In particular, I have spent over 15 months now in the book of John and 1st John. I’ve never opened a commentary or don’t “study” it. I may spend weeks daily in one story or chapter – even a verse. I’d be glad to talk further if this would be of interest. The Lord is with you.

I feel his pain, his confusion. I don’t have a background in teaching or discipling others as he does. I don’t have the experience of only knowing two church bodies. I do have the question of fitting in with a body of believers again at some point. My issue is: growing weary of the politics involved – of expecting the Church to be Christ instead of His body, the Church.
I don’t know how to re-engage the Church because I have never truly engaged a church body. And it feels sometimes like I’m not the only one. Is anyone truly known anymore? Do we open ourselves to the possibility? I hope so because one of my greatest fears comes from the lips of Jesus: “I will say … I never knew you” to people who believed they were known. As with the internet, I feel a trend in churches adopting a similar false intimacy with Christ to our own demise.
This is more self-reflection than answer, but I hope it can add to the conversation.
grace and peace

I went through a similiar period like this a few years ago. My family and I left the church after it appointed a flashy pastor that was way too far out in right field. It was a tough time. I missed the fellowship and many believed that I was being irrational and selfish. I wasn’t. I knew the Bible, Jesus, and the Great Commission and the church was way off track.
I spent this time reading a lot and fleshing out the critiques and I had against the church. I also visited other churches, seeking to find the “right” one. But the best thing that I did was to come in to God’s presence every day and seek to listen to his voice. That’s my advice to you. Come to Him and every day and don’t worry about getting religous feelings. Just come. Also, spent a time of silence committed to shutting out thoughts and simply listening. Once again, don’t expect fireworks (but then again, don’t be surprised if there are fireworks!). It is clear from your post that you love Christ and his church. From this, you can be sure that he will guide you back into a constructive and passionate relationship with Him and His church as time goes on. These times of exile are times of thinking and hearing. Believe me, in the future you will look back to these times as treasures.
God bless!

I don’t remember where I heard this (Barna?), but a lot of the folks whose faith has become “churchless” aren’t the folks that were sitting in the back pew. They were, more and more, part of the 20 that was doing the work for the 80. I don’t know how successful we will or even should be in getting these folks to “re-engage with church” without seriously addressing (or at least acknowledging?) this unhealthy dynamic: the podium/platform-focused ecclesiology and ministry. It’s routinely demeaning to the 80 and inhumane to the 20 and their families. It is co-dependent sickness with the typical ill effects.
I just started reading Alan Hirsch’s Forgotton Ways; he appears to address this ecclesiology that is exhausting the 20 and failing to make disciple-making disciples of the 80 (let alone fail to evangelize and disciple those outside), and puts forth a viable alternative very similar to what my own church is pursuing and what I’m seeing more and more folks suggest as well. Probably worth a slow consideration. Scot, book review?

what josh c. said . . . listening deeply . . . waiting, trusting

T,
Scot did review Hirsch’s book 2 years ago (ca. March 2007). Type Hirsch in the search box and you’ll find the posts.

RJS,
I thought he might have; thanks. I’ll have to go back and read them as I read the book.

I just lost a comment having gotten too confident about beliefnet.
Mark, I am with you. I know now that the whole church as an institution, buildings, programs, rituals, eating a bit of bread and drinking a sip of wine, is just a promise, a placeholder, a visible symbol of a deeper spiritual communion with the body of Christ through other believers with whom we connect on a very profund soul level. Mark, I pray that you find that small group, wherever it may be, where you can encounter the deep fellowship and true communion in Christ that is life-transforming and gives you and others the energy and power and grace to engage your piece of the world in transformative and life-saving and miraculous ways. I have had long dry spells too and have been sustained by the grace of these small groups of real communion (as opposed to “small groups” as formula) that sometimes have broken into my life. I have prayed that I would give anything–anything–to live constantly in this type of fellowship. And I sometimes find it when I give up my preconceptions about where it should be and what it should look like.
I’ve also been helped by Mother Teresa’s struggles, and by knowing I am not alone. All of this may be obvious, but I want to support you.

I’ve been there too, and still am working through this. One thing I’ve found extremely helpful is to be involved with a small group of people (in my case just a handful of guys) who meet regularly for simple Bible study and prayer. This sort of “small” atmosphere helps reconnect to what ministry is all about — real relationships.
In psychological terms, it helped me to realize I was going through some of the stages of grief when I left my high-profile ministry role at my former church.
One other thing: you note that there’s no sin lurking in the background of your story. Can I gently suggest that there is always sin lurking in the backround of every story? Praise God, yours isn’t drug abuse or alcoholism or porneia. But — is there pride, idolatry, anger, lack of forgiveness? I know in my case, as each new layer peels away from my experience, if I’m honest I learn something ugly about myself that needs to be scrubbed away by grace.

Mark and all….
There are so very many who feel like we do. I have been a lover of the Bride my entire life…and am equally at a loss at what to do to help her recover her connection to her source of life — Christ.
During my time as Community Life Pastor at a large church, I used to regularly refer to the church as quadriplegic: there was an ability to see and hear and understand and speak (sometimes quite loudly) — but there was no ability to be the hands and feet of Christ. There was no ability to get up and dance with the Groom. And I suggested that this was not necessarily because they had lost their love for Christ and placed the Church (or it’s Sacred Cow programs) in an idolatrous position (which was indeed the case for some), but that we had disconnected from each other as members of the Body.
The 20 percent were active (seeing and hearing and talking and consuming), but the 80 percent were not connected.
The shocking part of this picture I painted was that there was no ability of the Church to see itself in it’s proverbial wheelchair. They were profoundly disabled, yet blind to how they looked to others…impotent and self-absorbed.
Interestingly, just over a year ago, my husband and I joined a small groups of other leadership couples in our city who were all in exactly the same place: loving Christ…unsure how to love the manifestation of his Bride — and searching for a way to reconnect with others who felt the same in order to bring healing and release from that deadly chair….
Surprisingly (or not, perhaps!), we just finished a six month period during which each of us shared our journey — the story of how we came to be where we are today. Each of us were surprised at the amount of brokenness that was shared — knowing that it was just the tip of the iceberg. Each of us had never shared like this in any previous group. It has been profoundly healing for us to share our brokenness and embrace each other’s stories … and look at each other with new eyes.
We look forward to where Jesus leads us, but it has already been an amazing journey.
I pray that the Spirit will guide each of you to such a small group where connection long severed (or never even made in the first place!) is restored and the Jesus Creed’s love flows freely — to and from God and to and from each other.
Shalom…

Peggy,
I agree with you that finding a place to share that spiritual brokeness and search with others in Christ is profoundly healing. And Dopderbeck, we all seem to be on the same page with small groups–and I do differentiate between canned “small groups,” which are often a disaster and the real thing– and I also do wonder how sin, even small sin, disconnects us. But then I struggle with it being grace, not our own actions, that bring us into fellowship. I pray all the time that I’d give up anything to be in fellowship (and probably I wouldn’t even give up something small, speaking of self-blindedness!) but I also have to keep reminding myself that there’s nothing I can “give” in “trade” for the grace of God. Nor can I eradicate my fallen nature. But I can still be open to God’s working all around me.

Scot McKnight in “40 Days Living the Jesus Creed”
touches on this topic on day 13 of liking Jesus
but not the church. While understanding that we are
to love God’s people by participating, I feel there
is another side of this. There does come a time
in one’s journey where you don’t get nourished by
the local congregation. Faith, belonging, behaving,
experience have parameters that are shaped beyond
your roles and relationships.
Mark Swallow seems to have followed a very conjunctive path.
He has been a glue in his respective communities. People
with these skill sets have to be free for a passionate
yet detached spending of self in love. I feel that staying
in the past roles will be a coffin rather than a chrysalis.
The question becomes how can we local church people encourage
those going through explicit examinations to claim new
implications of the kingdom of God.

Don’t even try to re-engage…just flit about
from neighborhood to neighborhood…I know church
people think this is not good advice. Many feel
it shows a misunderstanding of the church. Honestly,
God will continue to inbreak within your life.
When some inadvertent destructive tendencies pop up
know who will rescue you from this body of death.
Many think your secretly harboring sin, when God knows
we integrate life and death as humans.
The small group may work…but I believe strangers placed
in your path, and perhaps a spiritual older person are
more biblical. And I’m big on house church(small group).
Reading from the many different branches of Christianity
is optional, but recommended. As a protestant, I had many
biases toward catholics, but their literature is so rich.
And there is so much of all genres in a good library.
Can you tell that I think what you are going through is
normal. Although few care to break out. So Scot McKnight asks,
“How do we re-engage in church?” Don’t even try. That doesn’t
mean that you won’t be back in church. But you’ll be where God
wants you to be when you do.

Peggy,
Thanks for sharing your story. It has helped me feel more positive toward my own recent church experiences. (I always like your posts, btw. I wish you lived nearby so I could meet you in real life!)

Diane & AprilK,
Thanks for the encouragement. I have found, Diane, that I cannot “find” this community — it is the Spirit that leads me there. The only person I knew in our little community of 8 couples is the man who began as the facilitator putting together a very diverse group of many strangers. My husband didn’t know any of them. And this group has been something that we have never before experienced as a couple: a group that is honest and open and accepting and discerning that doesn’t require someone to be in charge (especially me!) for the Spirit to get its work done! Wow….
And AprilK, you never know where sisters might meet!
Blessings to you.

I think Scott touched on this in a previous post about Community. I do feel more believers like Mark become disillusioned with the local Church or just burnt out. We gravitate towards online Christian communities where we are liberated to express our doubts, concerns, etc and discover there are more beggars like us looking for bread on our Christian journey. Maybe online communities recharge us, equipping us for the ongoing battle in this Life. The future will encompass two communities–your local church and your local online community.
Peace.

I’m with tscott. Church can be great if you don’t become a member and therefore can’t be assigned to any committees. You can focus on worship and do just as much volunteering as you find healthy, yet without making the church an idol.
The biggest church mistake I ever made was joining my last church. And they were up front about it; they wanted me to join so I could be on committees. In fact they presented it as my duty to join, because they had more committees than they had members (I exaggerate, but only a little). I wasn’t brave enough to say to heck with that. Now I’ve learned my lesson; I will probably never join a church again.

I too feel “exiled” even though I remain in ministry. I am seriously contemplating doing something different soon. The way it wrenches my heart is the longing that continually haunts even the best moments in church that I want to be involved in something that matters, that makes a difference, that has “meaning” for me in light of the gospel. Before I retire or die, I would like to be a part of a community that makes at least something of a good faith effort to be the people of God. Maybe I’m dreaming but I’m not yet ready to give up my longing.

This post definitely resonates with me. As one who deeply loves Christ and His church, I have come to the place in my own walk many times where I was so saddened by the Church and her people. I’ve taken time off from church work to recoup and recharge, which involved a lot of me time. But inevitably, I find myself missing the involvement and once my wounds heal sufficiently, I climb back into the ring. I don’t really have any answers. I think I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s a cycle. As I grow in faith and maturity, the challenges get bigger, but God is faithful to see me through each one. Right now is a very challenging time for me, but it has driven closer to God and my new saying is “anything that drives you closer to God, is a good thing”. Of course, if you find yourself not being drawn closer to God, then by all means, take the time to nurture that relationship. Without Christ, we can do nothing and will find ourselves wearing out and becoming weary. I don’t know, I think I’m just addicted and can’t give up the Church….

Dear Friends,
Thank you for your comments thus far. I especially appreciate your openness to discuss this and many of your recommendations (from books you have found helpful to reading widely and from other traditions to what you have spent your time doing when you disengaged from church life so you can critique, reflect, and rest to your encouragement to listen, to wait, and to trust). I appreciate all of you and will pray for you as well. I am both sad and hopeful to know so many of you have felt or do currently feel the same way. We need to pray for one another.
Here are some comments for a few of you specifically:
Josh C. – listening to the voice of Jesus. I agree. During Lent I am reading and reflecting on Gordon Smith’s The Voice of Jesus (I wrote about this on my own blog yesterday). I am not a disciple who has done well with being quiet so I can hear the voice of the Master clearly in the past. This is another opportunity for me!
T – a very interesting finding (from Barna?) that you have posted for our reflection. The churchless being the 20% who did 80% percent of the work. I had not heard this take on the 20-80 rule before. I understand what you are saying when you analyze this and talk about the “podium-platform focused ecclesiology” but in my experience it was laity over-running the pastors and shepherds that ruined both of my church experiences. One of the things I am anxious to explore in my time of retreat is the question: what happens when laity rule the church? Perhaps not enough has been written/said to guide and instruct the laity as they seek to partner with pastoral teams in shepherding God’s people. A lot has been written about mobilizing lay persons but not a lot has been written about the dangers of doing so!
Diane, Dopderbeck, Peggy – thank you for the insights on finding a small group – nothing big or loud, or announced and public – to meet with. I’ve been tossing that idea around my mind for a few weeks so your comments serve as confirmation in this regard. Peggy, your small group’s story is particularly encouraging. It seems like authentic community has been built there. I yearn for this.
Dopderbeck – yes, I agree with your gentle reminder on sin. Surely I am a sinner and so are my fellow brothers and sisters from these churches. And yes, sin does lurk behind every person, motive, and act. Thank you for this reminder. In my post I only meant to say there were no obvious, open, public sins (well, isn’t all sin public in some way?) that contributed to my retreat, e.g. slander, disunity, and the like.
Lee Wyatt – I’d like to talk with you more. Go to my blog (www.mswallow.typepad.com) and click the e-mail link if you’d like. I believe many pastors feel exactly like you – exiles even while we remain in church based ministry – and often my heart has broken before Christ as I seek to pray for and encourage my brothers and sisters who feel this way. And yet I have a holy and Christ-like (I believe) anger when good pastors “do something different.” It seems to me we have got to find a way for churches to know the ramifications of their shepherds giving up as so many of us do.
One key word I am using to describe my experience is grief. And I am going slowly through the same stages of grief someone experiences when they lose a loved one to physical death. How many of you would use grief to describe your experiences? Someone suggested a 12-step recovery program. You know, that’s not far off what we need. That or Grief Share (website is: http://www.griefshare.org/).
Soon I plan to write more about all of this at http://www.mswallow.typepad.com
Grace & Peace,
Mark

Beliefnet ate my last post (hopefully this isn’t a double-post). Anyway,
Mark (#20) — agreed that it is very much like grief. My wife and I have been struggling with a similar thing for about 1 1/2 years, after leaving a church we had been at for many years (and where we had both been in leadership roles). In addition to grief, I’ve also had a lot of anger over it.
I have this very deep desire to connect in a meaningful way to the body of Christ, but both churches I have been a part of for any length of time in my life have burned me. I’m at a stage where I feel like I just need to disconnect for a while, to let the raw emotions heal a bit. Once there is less pain — but note before — I plan to try again. Its almost like dating again after breaking off a relationship — I think you need to wait to heal (not a perfect analogy, but in some ways there are similarities).

Mark,
Thanks for bringing all this up. Abuses of power are definitely not monopolized by the clergy. Hope all goes well for you.

Mark,
Yes, we all need to be praying for one another! Thanks for all your clarifications. I’m with T concerning power … and will now offer the recommendation I thought about doing earlier but didn’t: MaryKate Morse’s book “Making Room For Leadership: Power, Space and Influence” http://www.amazon.com/Making-Room-Leadership-Power-Influence/dp/0830834486
If I were going to try to start a group like the one I’m in, I would like to start one around reading through this book and processing how we take up space in each other’s lives. I believe this is a “third way” kind of approach to the typical clergy/laity divide and I have been profoundly impacted by its implications. I yearn to be able to process this book in a group where honest feedback can be given and received. We are all of us way too much in the dark concerning how others perceive us and how we perceive others in groups.
On the other hand, our group just celebrated its 1 year anniversary and are only now ready, I think, to process this book. Perhaps if you had a group of say 3 or 4 couples with some trust already established, it might be a good starting place to see what went wrong.
Shalom to you as you continue your journey, brother.

Mark,
Yes; I think grief is certainly part of any separation from someone or a group we love. That was my experience, even though my leaving was on the best of terms. And, yes, the 12 steps were and are helpful on this point and beyond.
If the steps are something you’re interested in as means of process, here are some books I’d recommend from Don Williams (a pastor): Jesus and Addiction (out of print?), and 12 Steps with Jesus. There’s also Hunger for Healing (Keith Miller), One Day at a Time (Trevor Hudson). But more important than the books is a partner or two or more to go through the steps with, if you get to the stage of wanting to work through them. God bless.