What do you say to your adult daughter if she tells you she's not convinced of God or that she's at least not on good terms with God? Pastor-theologian Michael Jinkins, in his new book Called to Be Human: Letters to My Children on Living a Christian Life
,writes simple theological letters to his daughter (Jessica) and son (Jeremy) about their particular issues: Jessica faces doubts about God and the gospel and the church and Jeremy faces discernment issues about vocation.Think though about a general question: What would you tell your daughter (or son) if either of them expressed probing doubts about their faith? (We'll deal with Jinkins' responses to his son in another post.)
There's an issue here that complicates everything: private letters made public, especially when they are written in order to publish, cross boundaries. In some senses, your child's nursing of doubts deserves to be private. But once they are made public, the relationship gets complicated. Why? Because now readers can question the judgment and wisdom a father passes on to the adult child. I know I found myself saying things like this: "Well, I'd say something else." Or, "I'd sure say that differently." Or, "Why not approach this whole issue from a different angle?" And letters to one's daughter and son are very personal and we can't know the daughter or the son well enough to say "that's what I'd say to that specific person too." Anyway, Jinkins published the letters and I a a reader -- and critic.
Jinkins' approach, which draws on Bible and all sorts of traditions, envisions Christianity as forming true humanity, but he's not reducing God to humanity but instead enriching humanity into only fully human as we live in faith before God. Jenkins is a theologian and administrator at Austin Presbyterian Theological Seminary, and he prefers the view that the Christian faith is faith vs. knowledge.
For his daughter, his wisdom moves along these fronts: all relationships seemingly get thin or stormy and that the longing is important. "Longing for the longing for God is not far from longing for God" (14). Faith involves fussing, feuding and fuming with God. And "Church is the place youi go not because you have the faith to be there, but because you trust someone else has the faith you need" (16). He also reminds her of her baptism. And he knows God has faith in her. And he knows she's not motivated at all by what comes after death ... these are the sorts of issues raised in this probing, vulnerable, sometimes rambling, theological set of letters to children.
"I am proud of you because I love you," he tells her in one letter.
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What would you tell your daughter (or son) if either of them expressed probing doubts about their faith?
This is a question that many of us who are Christians and parents will likely face at some point - or at least we will know that our kids are struggling even if they won't talk with us. Doubts and questions are not exactly a new phenomenon. I've certainly had plenty of my own.
More than anything else I think that it is important to listen and acknowledge the questions as real and to carry on an honest eye-to-eye conversation. Erecting fences and boundaries isn't likely to work on meaningful any level.
What would you tell your daughter (or son) if either of them expressed probing doubts about their faith?
I'd say, yeah, I have those doubts too. But in the end, I choose to believe in God. If I don't have God to worship, I would end up worshiping myself all the time. And that wouldn't be good.
The one thing I wouldn't do is hit the roof or the panic button. I would calmly and rationally discuss their questions and doubts and not try to have all the pat answers. God is so much bigger than our doubts. Above all, I would entrust that child and all of their doubts and concerns to the Father. I would even encourage them through their doubt and unbelief to have a conversation with God about the issues. After all, if they are doubting His existence and He doesn't answer, they have lost nothing.
Having not read the book, based on what you're saying, I think if I were his daughter I would have found his answers very unsatisfactory.
But I have come to an understanding over the years that everyone's faith has different foundations. And everyone's doubts have different causes.
So it's hard to suggest a one-size fits all solution to doubt. I think that's where just talking and conversing about why you believe and you struggle with your own doubt probably does the most good -- unless they have specific issues that you think you have 'solutions' for.
I will soon have a daughter. Although I am an Atheist, she shall not be. I am an Atheist because I was once religious, and am now without it. She'll never be brainwashed into that cult from the beginning, and will (I hope) have no need to characterize herself by what she is not.
It is my understanding that the religious will be the minority before she leaves my home for college; if the trend from the last twenty years continues for another twenty.
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