In our last post in this series, John Piper has a chapter on singleness, and I didn't know what to expect. I say this for two reasons: some leaders in recent years have made some incredibly insensitive remarks about singleness and because I'm aware of the struggles so many have who don't want to be single. On top of this, culture has not made it a primary focus of our youth to pursue love and marriage. (More of that someday.) So, what does Piper say in his recent book, This Momentary Marriage: A Parable of Permanence?
Of course, I'm keen on hearing what singles have to say about this chp and how singles are experiencing the church today. And even having any image of "singles" can at times "define" some people in ways that are prejudicial ... but I risk that in order to get a conversation going here about singleness.
Here's the theme: "God promises those of you who remain single in Christ blessings that are better than the blessings of marriage and children" (113).
There are two major arguments in this chapter:
First, Piper makes much of Isaiah 56:4-5, a majestic text where the prophet extols the inclusive grace of God, a grace that shows special promise to eunuchs, and takes this as a cipher for singleness (are eunuchs and "singles" the same?):
Let no foreigner who has bound himself to the LORD say,
"The LORD will surely exclude me from his people."
And let not any eunuch complain,
"I am only a dry tree.
For this is what the LORD says:"To the eunuchs who keep my Sabbaths,
who choose what pleases me
and hold fast to my covenant- to them I will give within my temple and its walls
a memorial and a name
better than sons and daughters;
I will give them an everlasting name
that will not be cut off
In a world shaped by marriage and procreation as the form of propagation of the seed of Abraham, this promise to eunuchs stands out. And what God promises is a blessing beyond what sons and daughters get.
Second, Piper makes much again of the impermanence of marriage and the permanence of the church and this leads him to emphasize that singleness participates as much -- if not more -- in the church. Therefore, the single person can be dedicated to the church and can live for eternity as marrieds are called to do -- that life is the primary one.
Why? Relationships in Christ are more permanent; marriage is temporary; faithfulness to Christ defines and transcends all other relationships; marriage doesn't.
And within these is another point: the church is propagaged by spiritual rebirth and not by physical birth; this leads him to see a leveling of the playing field in Christ. (He thinks Paul himself was single, but that's not clear to me.)
One more time: singleness in this chp is a special calling and has a special blessing.
Piper has a second chp on singleness that emphasizes hospitality where he suggests that to the degree singles and marrieds mix reveals how committed that community is to kingdom ideals. Since we welcome one another as fellow disciples, we should reflect that universal community in our fellowship and hospitality.
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Kim - I think a lot of people prematurly claim contentment when it might be better to live in the tension of unfulfilled desire. And that is about more than marriage...it is good to desire things deeply, and that doesnt/shouldnt stop after marriage.
The single people I talk to seem to sometimes say, "my desire is for marriage, and I will be happy if my desire is fulfilled." But its not ture..once your desire for marriage is fulfilled, you will deeply desire children, or other things. I think we all need to learn more about how to live with unfulfilled desire - how to live with hope for the future, and mourning for the present all at the same time.
Anette @ 32
Your point is taken. In regard to God providing spouses for singles, I am personally of the opinion that the somewhat popular teaching in some quarters of the church that God has chosen one person and one person only as your spouse is un-biblical. Singles become obsessed with "Is he/she the one?" every time they meet someone new. In addition, singles are often encouraged to draw up a list of the characteristics of a potential mate - helpful perhaps, but I've seen some of those lists and the men/women described do not exist on planet earth!
Having seen too many marriages to the "divinely-chosen" mate end in divorce, for those singles who desire to marry more than they desire to remain single, I encourage them to first concentrate on becoming the kind of person someone else would want to marry (in terms of following Jesus wholeheartedly and co-operating with the Spirit in developing character, etc.), and to develop healthy friendships with members of the opposite gender in the context of true community. I also feel that sometimes a more realistic rather than idealized approach to human relationships needs to be presented by the church - we have a Biblical obligation to learn to really love another person, not to feel warm fuzzy feelings about them first (not that those are not important in a marriage!)
Having said all of this, I admit, these are complicated and convoluted issues - especially from a the perspective of someone who encounters them on an almost weekly basis!
Healthy discussion on this subject is I think far, far overdue. To my mind Piper's article provokes two main issues (1) Framing the single within the Christian community and (2) Framing the Christian community around the single. I have deeply, deeply struggled around both issues and have found the church woefully impotent to address the deep-seated anxiety that many Christians face - especially when confronted with involuntary singleness.
1. Framing the single within the Christian community.
I disagree with the proposition that eunuchs (and for that matter rejected or barren women) is not comparable to singleness. In the latter chapters of Isaiah God identifies eunuchs and scorned women both as 'dislocated members' of the Israelite community for whom he cares a lot - despite their inability to fulfill the commandments to 'go forth and multiply' - a command still very much stressed in Judaism. Isaiah seems to me to very meaningfully affirm God's care for singles.
The church has generally given two 'messages', two 'voices' as far as singleness is concerned. The one is that singleness is a preferred thing, something advanced by Christianity; the other that singleness is something scorned. Both positions have certain authority. The traditional preference for singleness is based of course on 1 Corinthians 7 and Matthew 19. Studying 1 Corinthians 7 it seems to me that Paul was advancing a practical consideration for his day and age: for those facing immediate persecution it would be better not to marry and have children. And as for both Matthew 19 and 1 Corinthians 7 they seem to me to speak of a particular gift of singleness, something I expect to center on a particular purpose.
The test for the gift of singleness, both from Matthew 19 and 1 Corinthians 7 is the same: It is not 'do you want to be spiritual through singleness' or 'are you mature enough for singleness?' or 'Do you want to score browny points with God through singleness?' The test is simply "Can you?" This sets me free from seeking to attain undesirable and unrealistic spiritual 'levels'
Our religious sensibilities expect that singles ought to be more spiritual, more holy, more able to devote themselves utterly to the Lord than their married counterparts. Listening to common sense and practical experience, I as single have found the exact opposite. As one-fold cord I struggle to maintain and support myself spiritually, physically and emotionally. Despite my better wishes I am not a spiritual Chuck Norris.
The second message that I find given by churches, usually given in express response to this fact, and particularly as many Christians singles are divorcing themselves from the Christian community, whether by choosing cohabitative relationships, choosing singleness out of selfishness or fear of marriage, or by preferring churchlessness, is that they condemn singleness as an unnatural state except when it is precipitated by a gift of singleness.
Having regard to the idea of God's pattern of 'therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife' I think this position is closer to the truth although it is usually offered in an insensitive manner - as though the sole cause for singleness were pride or selfishness. Just two weeks ago I was in a service where the idea was suggested 'just get married' - as though personalities and romance did not matter.
To be honest, I can recognise that I do not have the gift of singleness, that singleness is an unnatural state as it relates to me, and that I have no ready means of courting someone comparable and relatable to myself from the closer Christian communities around me. Which leaves me very, very frustrated. I find not clear Biblical matchmaking model other than simply "It is a gift of grace to find someone".
2. Framing the Christian community around singleness
To return to Isaiah, God concern for eunuchs and rejected or barren women is that they found themselves at the outside of God's community. They were "on the inside on the outside looking in". Our call as Christian community is to provide intimacy, support and connection to those who feel they mis-belong.
The first thing that I think that churches can do is to recognise that 'family' is something very different in the post modern world - and that the nuclear family of a husband, a wife and 2.3 children can easily become a modernistic idol. We live in a day and age where there are many different kinds of families - including broken families, distorted families, extended families and 'single' families - that have equal need to belong within the Christian community.
Secondly I think we can recognise that there are many different kinds of singles - including (i) too young singles (18-23) (ii) never been married singles (iii) divorced singles (iv) separated singles and (v) those single due to death. We may also distinguish between intentional singles and involuntary singles. Throwing all singles into a general meting pot of 'singles' does an injustice of already marginalised communities.
Studying the Bible from top to bottom and praying myself past frustration on the subject I have come to two conclusions. Firstly that singles' biggest need from the Christian community is validation: that it is okay to be who you are, as you are, even when you are discontent with how you are. That one still belongs even under those circumstances.
And secondly that the biggest challenge to the single Christian is choice. When one has a choice, one has hope, passion and dignity. When one has no choice, one loses hope, passion and significance - and God's love seems to become an unreal thing. As single I find my biggest challenge is to find meaningful ability to choose on a path that I have not chosen for myself.
Ugh. I have already vented too much. :-)
"The Gift of Singleness" is a modern, man-made phrase that unfortunately found its way into the Living Bible (now the NLT) and has since been removed from 1 Cor 7:7. I'm glad to see that Piper avoids the "GoS" in this new book, but it's disappointing to see that he still hasn't quite remedied the conflation of those are have chosen singleness for the sake of the kingdom (Matthew 19:12) with the faithful who are single by default, using the phrase "single in Christ", whatever that means. This kind of lack of clarity was far worse in his "For Singles and the Rest of Us" article in "Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood", but "Momentary Marriage" wasn't much better.
I find it baffling that Piper would think being compared to the eunuchs of Isaiah would be comforting to the singles of today! Kind of like those who were quoting another verse from Isaiah a few years ago, "your maker is your husband" -- an entirely corporate verse directed to Israel. You never hear modern Jews misusing OT scripture this way to "encourage singles"!
Those who preach to the involuntarily single seem to be running out of prooftexts, since we are waking up and realizing that 1 Cor 7:7-9 and Matthew 19:11-12 really aren't about all singles having the "GoS", but rather, point to the gifted few who can voluntarily live without marriage for kingdom purposes. The former passage affirming that because God gifts each in a different way, it's up to choose whether to stay single or get married, and the latter passage starkly acknowledging that some singleness is not chosen (born eunuchs or made that way by men -- not God) but those who can choose singleness for the sake of the kingdom should be able to.
The problem of singles being excluded from ministry and harangued into marriage is not solved by going to the opposite extreme, as Piper does, putting a smiley face on singleness, whether it's wanted or not, chosen voluntarily for kingdom work or for some other reason. Just because singleness presents advantages doesn't mean that those who are unmarried by circumstance can or should aspire to Piper's vision of glorious ministry, like a default version of the "third kind of eunuch". Expecting the unattached to pick up the slack from the busy married is just another kind of abuse.
The purpose of the Old Testament being included in the Christian bible is to show how Jesus fulfilled the prophesies in the Old Testament regarding the coming messiah. And that is exactly what the apostles did when they preached the gospel to the Jews.
I'm troubled by Piper's misuse the Old Testament in addressing singleness. Surely, Piper wouldn't claim that that the dietary laws or the stoning of adulters is applicable today, would he? Yet, he picks and chooses some verses in Isaiah and claims they are relevent to singles. Sorry, but Piper is just plain wrong!
The church has never been able to deal with the sexual issues (as well as intimacy needs) that singles experience. Sexual desires are NORMAL and to pretend they don't exist, or to repress these desires is to deny a God given natural biological / physiological function. The church needs to deal with how singles should express and satisfy these God given desires and needs.
If singleness is such an opportunity for kingdom work, they why aren't the seminaries turning out graduates and telling them to remain single?
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