I think I'm battling the blues... and wrestling with God.
It is hard to figure out where one ends and the other begins.
The blues part is fairly straightforward - nothing feels quite right, decisions are hard to come by, enthusiasm for most things is low... the blues.
But so much of that feels like it is coming from this unexplained standoff I am having with God.
And that, of all things, seems the silliest of all things. Why on earth am I on a standoff with God? What is there to be standing off about? Yet that is what it feels like... it feels like I'm giving him the stiff arm... which, of course, is absurd. How do you give the Creator of the universe the stiff arm. Kind of like a turtle thinking he could hold back that 41-foot wave a surfer conquered the other day...
Not sure how to break through...
Add to Del.icio.us
Add to Technorati
Add to Digg
Add to Newsvine
Add to Facebook
Add to StumbleUpon
If you don't have a spiritual director, now might be a good time to find one. If you don't know where to look, try http://www.sdiworld.org
If you won't get a spiritual director, then I'd recommend Gerald May's book "The Dark Night of the Soul".
In essence, the way forward is to explore it with another wise, non-judgmental spiritual listener.
Hey I am not going to give you advice. My bet is you have had your fill of that. I will pray for you...right now. And pray that your stiffarm can at some point turn to an embrace.
Acedia would be the word. Kathleen Norris writes of that awful sense of being unable to move, act, think that is not quite depression and not about sloth or laziness. Acedia is a word for moments such as those you describe.
“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.”
and
“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”
Today is Inauguration Day and I just discovered your blog. I noticed your "Blues" entry was the week of the Election. First of all, I hope you found your way out of the pit by now. Been in and out many times myself. Could it be that your blues were due, as mine have been lately, to the profound conflict you feel over the election of Barack Obama? The thought that a black man could be elected to this highest office of my country brings elation to my spirit, but because I disagree so deeply with many of his policies and promised "changes", I tremble to think what is ahead for us. In addition, I have this deep grief to deal with over my disappointment with President Bush and the death of so many dreams I had on his Inauguration Day 8 years ago. I think these things are enough to give anybody the blues.
Post a Comment
By submitting these comments, I agree to the beliefnet.com terms of service, rules of conduct and privacy policy (the "agreements"). I understand and agree that any content I post is licensed to beliefnet.com and may be used by beliefnet.com in accordance with the agreements.