Lessons from a Recovering Doormat

I recently attended SPARK, the National Association Of Professional Women’s Networking conference  There were fabulous speakers, including, Arianna Huffington, Martha Stewart and Star Jones. But one who really stood out to me was Danielle Miller, brand strategist/reinvention coach. After hearing Danielle speak, I had to get some of her advice to pass on. Her suggestions for reinventing yourself are practical and easy to use, IF you really want to evolve.

I remember how hard it was for me to consider reinvention when I was a DoorMat.  People said it was too late for me, but I finally decided not to listen. Had I known Danielle back then my transition would have been easier.  Here’s some of her tips for how to reinvent yourself:

What holds many of us back from success? We undervalue our strengths—“Anybody could have done that.” You need to recognize your strengths—those innate things about you. They’re probably intangible. Ask people. Take assessments. It’s important to reassess the things you’re doing now. It’s about really understanding your strengths and not downplay the strengths that come so easily to us. We don’t toot our own horn. We don’t recognize that the experiences we have give us the skills to take somewhere else. Decide that you want o be happy by finding satisfaction and fulfillment.

What’s something  important that people should do? Create a support system. It’s all about managing your energy. Minimize the people who drain your energy because they don’t help you. Keep your true friends close. They will be honest with you about whether you should do something or not.

How important do you feel goals are? Goals are great but don’t tie yourself to them too much.  Take one step in front of the other. We get so tied to goals that we don’t see opportunities right in front of us. Make your goals specific. Focus on goals for the next two or three years. Be realistic. If you’ve had the same goal for years, get rid of it because it’s draining you.

How can people take baby steps to success? Pick on e thing and get good at it. Then go on to the next. The more you can learn about yourself and grow, the more you can evolve. Make a plan but be open to the opportunities in front of you. Don’t miss them b/c you’re focused on a plan.

How would you define reinvention? Conscious control of change. Building on who you already are.

What would you say to someone who says they were told they’re too old to reinvent themselves? That’s a story that we tend to loop over and over again. You don’t have to buy into other people’s stories. I don’t think it’s harder. I think the stories we tell ourselves become more ingrained. The process is the same. We’ve bumped up into more walls as we get older and we tend to start following a path where there aren’t walls. When we bump into the walls and haven’t had success we stop.

Some advice for self-reinvention? You need to recognize that your journey is unique. There’s no right or wrong way to do it. And you can reinvent as much or little as you like. Take what works for you and leave the rest behind. You have to work harder than you think you possibly can. You can’t hold grudges—it’s hard but you can’t hold grudges. And it doesn’t matter how you get knocked down in life, because that’s going to happen. All that matter is you’ve got to get up.
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Join the Self-Love Movement™! Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Commitment and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways for free at http://howdoiloveme.com. Read my 2013 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE. Join the Self-Love Movement™! on Facebook.

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This is post 236 in my series on the Law of Attraction in Action. You CAN use your power to manifest your desires.. I do it every day! Read all the posts in my Law of Attraction in Action Series to see how.

Do you live like you EXPECT to have more money? Or do you hoard money for the future and never consider spending extra because you don’t know how you’ll pay for it? When you live like the latter, you tell the Universe that you don’t expect to get more money and therefore you can’t afford things you want, or need. So the old roof gets patched some more instead of replacing it or the medical procedure that could improve your health goes on the back burner.

I EXPECT money, with all my heart and it reflects in my vibration. I KNOW I’ll have the money to pay for something I need. As I said in my post, Knowing, your strongest power is in KNOWING you have what you need, as I said in my post on KNOWING. And when you really expect the money and know in your heart that you’ll get it, you get it. For example, I once had a health problem that wasn’t life threatening but did make me very uncomfortable. I put off the surgery that would correct it because my insurance barely covered anything and I’d have to pay $8,000. One day I got sick of the discomfort and scheduled surgery.

I declared that I expected he money to pay for it to be there when I needed it. I strong KNEW it would come. My expectation reflected in my vibration. I wasn’t the slightest bit nervous about how I’d pay the bill. Friends worried for me and I laughed, explaining the money would come. “From where?” they’d ask. I didn’t know but trusted that I’d have it. Just before my surgery I was notified that my great aunt, who had passed away weeks before, had no children and her will directed her assets to  be equally divided between her nieces and nephews. I didn’t even know she had much money but my share was–$8,000!

I’ve gone on vacations, knowing I’d get the money to pay off my credit when I returned, and found checks for things that I didn’t expect waiting for me. Once when I was tight for money I was in a car accident—hit from behind several times. I was okay except for an injured shoulder. My lawyer sued for money for my bills and to replace my car. She warned that I’d only get a few thousand since my car was old. I kept telling her she was wrong and I was expecting a huge check. She’d laugh and tell me to e realistic. I heard the shock in her voice when she called to tell me the amount I’d gotten—about 5 times what she predicted—enough for me to get a good used car and have more left over to pay other bills.

Like I said last week in my post on Being Cheap with Yourself, you don’t want to put yourself into debt but, should spend with some expectation of attracting the money to pay for it. Start small. As you see that the Law of Attraction works, use it more. When you let it work for you you’ll see the results in your financial picture.

See all the posts in my Law of Attraction in Action Series HERE.
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Join the Self-Love Movement™! Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Commitment and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways for free at http://howdoiloveme.com. Read my 2013 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE. Join the Self-Love Movement™! on Facebook.

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Often we take something on and feel obligated to finish. Or, we set a goal that feels daunting but believe it’s what we’re supposed to do. That can create a lot of stress, which makes it hard to embrace what you’ve committed to do. I’ve learned that giving yourself permission to walk away from a commitment or to not adopt the goal you think you should gives you the freedom to decide what to do without the stress of obligation hanging over you.

I was recently hired to do a project that I really wanted to do. It was for good money and offered others opportunities down the road. But when I began to discuss it with the people involved, I got a bad feeling. One of them became very demanding. It sounded like it would be much more work than I’d anticipated. I began to get stressed about it. I like to enjoy my work and it felt like I wasn’t going to enjoy it. When I found myself ranting about it and feeling like I couldn’t do it, I recognized that the stress was affecting me badly. And since I love me, I didn’t want to continue like that.

So I gave myself permission to back out of the project, despite the benefits. My mental health is worth more than the money. I didn’t back out but knowing I’d be okay with moving on was a relief. It allowed me to feel okay to email the parties involved with my concerns. If I not had permission to back out, I’d have been too nervous about losing the project to say what I did. I got a good response, and an apology for something that had really bothered me.

Knowing I didn’t have to do the project allowed me to step back and consider whether it would be okay for me to do it more objectively. We had a conference call and I decided to see what was said before backing out. During that call many of my concerns were answered. I also got a much better picture of how it would go and had no stress thinking about doing it. The bottom line was that I decided not to back out. Having the permission to do so gave me the freedom to choose based on what felt right to me instead of from a place of obligation. I saw things differently without stress making it seem worse than it was.

So I’m doing the project and feeling good about my decision. Giving yourself freedom to let go of something gives you the freedom to objectively choose it. I still feel okay with walking away if it doesn’t feel right once I begin. If you set a goal that scares you, give yourself permission to let go of it or pare it down. Then you can have a real choice about whether you want it or not because the pressure to “have to do it” is lifted. That’s the best place to make decisions from!
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Join the Self-Love Movement™! Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Commitment and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways for free at http://howdoiloveme.com. Read my 2013 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE. Join the Self-Love Movement™! on Facebook.

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How do you respond when someone gives you a compliment? Do you say something to negate it? Many of us do. For years getting compliments was almost painful because I didn’t think I deserved them or I was afraid owning them would turn the person off. Growing up I was taught that people would like me more if I was modest. It’s a common belief, especially for girls. So I swatted compliments away like flies and responded like many of us do. When you get a compliment do you:

•    Deny it? “No, I haven’t lost weight, it must be my outfit” I said that even when I did lose weight. “You like these shoes that I bought on clearance” I could have saved to buy expensive shoes but made them seem cheap when someone liked them. We often try to downplay what people compliments in an effort to take the attention away and not own it, lest someone think you’re conceited.

•    Try to give others credit? “The project turned out well but if was a team effort.” “I couldn’t have done without Sandy.” Even if it was 95% your effort, you don’t accept credit for fear that colleagues will like you less. That doesn’t help you get you get a raise or promotion.

•    Put yourself down? Often the instinct when getting a compliment is to say something to demean yourself to almost balance the kind words. “I’m glad you’re impressed with my report but the ones I wrote last week that were awful.”

Those are common responses but are bad for you. They diminish your self-esteem and confidence. I did all of them for years when I was a DoorMat. My first time being receptive to kind words felt odd but good. It left me smiling from the warm glow of feeling good about what the person said instead of treating praise like a mosquito that I had to swat off fast. It can take time and practice but you can get used to owning what people praise about you. That’s the self-loving thing to do! You can respond in a variety of ways and people will still like you. Here are some suggested responses:

•    “Thank you” and say nothing more
•    “I’m excited that you noticed I lost weight. I’ve been doing my best to trim down.”
•    “Thank you. I appreciate that because I worked hard on the project.”
•    “Thank you. I’m proud of that report.”
•    “It’s nice to hear that. I love this shirt and am glad it’s not jut me.”

Or find your own response. But don’t negate compliments. It’s not fair to you! Own your good qualities and accomplishments. People give compliments to make you feel good. So allow yourself to feel good. Period!
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Join the Self-Love Movement™! Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Commitment and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways for free at http://howdoiloveme.com. Read my 2013 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE. Join the Self-Love Movement™! on Facebook.

Please leave comments under my posts so we can stay connected.