Lessons from a Recovering Doormat

How do you respond when someone gives you a compliment? Do you say something to negate it? Many of us do. For years getting compliments was almost painful because I didn’t think I deserved them or I was afraid owning them would turn the person off. Growing up I was taught that people would like me more if I was modest. It’s a common belief, especially for girls. So I swatted compliments away like flies and responded like many of us do. When you get a compliment do you:

•    Deny it? “No, I haven’t lost weight, it must be my outfit” I said that even when I did lose weight. “You like these shoes that I bought on clearance” I could have saved to buy expensive shoes but made them seem cheap when someone liked them. We often try to downplay what people compliments in an effort to take the attention away and not own it, lest someone think you’re conceited.

•    Try to give others credit? “The project turned out well but if was a team effort.” “I couldn’t have done without Sandy.” Even if it was 95% your effort, you don’t accept credit for fear that colleagues will like you less. That doesn’t help you get you get a raise or promotion.

•    Put yourself down? Often the instinct when getting a compliment is to say something to demean yourself to almost balance the kind words. “I’m glad you’re impressed with my report but the ones I wrote last week that were awful.”

Those are common responses but are bad for you. They diminish your self-esteem and confidence. I did all of them for years when I was a DoorMat. My first time being receptive to kind words felt odd but good. It left me smiling from the warm glow of feeling good about what the person said instead of treating praise like a mosquito that I had to swat off fast. It can take time and practice but you can get used to owning what people praise about you. That’s the self-loving thing to do! You can respond in a variety of ways and people will still like you. Here are some suggested responses:

•    “Thank you” and say nothing more
•    “I’m excited that you noticed I lost weight. I’ve been doing my best to trim down.”
•    “Thank you. I appreciate that because I worked hard on the project.”
•    “Thank you. I’m proud of that report.”
•    “It’s nice to hear that. I love this shirt and am glad it’s not jut me.”

Or find your own response. But don’t negate compliments. It’s not fair to you! Own your good qualities and accomplishments. People give compliments to make you feel good. So allow yourself to feel good. Period!
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Join the Self-Love Movement™! Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Commitment and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways for free at http://howdoiloveme.com. Read my 2013 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE. Join the Self-Love Movement™! on Facebook.

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Lynda Wallace After twenty years as a highly successful executive with Johnson & Johnson, where she was responsible for a $1B portfolio of businesses including Band-Aid, Neosporin and Purell, Lynda Wallace chose to change careers to pursue her passion. She now helps individuals and groups apply proven insights and techniques to achieve greater happiness and success in their lives, families, careers, and businesses. Lynda holds an MBA from the Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania and is a certified positive psychology coach. She is also a sought-after speaker and the author of the #1 Amazon self-help bestseller, A Short Course in Happiness: Practical Steps to a Happier Life.

What Will Really Make You Happy??
Research Reveals 4 Common Misconceptions
by Lynda Wallace

The idea of a happy and meaningful life has become unnecessarily complicated in some circles. Happiness has been appropriately cited as a goal in political debates on issues from taxation to the social safety net to marriage equality, but the debate is often confused.

Some people claim that happiness is all in your DNA or bank account. The truth is that happiness is largely a matter of everyday choices and actions. There are straightforward, well-researched and effective things every one of us can do to create greater happiness in our lives and in the lives of those we care about.

The essential elements of a happy life are not mysterious. Research shows that the happiest people do four basic things that make the difference: they focus on what is good and positive in their lives; cope effectively with life’s inevitable challenges; develop strong relationships; and pursue meaningful goals.
We can all become happier by putting our efforts into these areas. One of the first steps we can take is to get past some of the common misperceptions about happiness that can stand in our way.

•    Misconception #1: Happiness is about getting the big things right. It’s natural to think that if we were suddenly rich, beautiful and living on the beach somewhere, we’d be happy. But that type of good fortune turns out to have a surprisingly small impact on happiness. The happiest people are most often not those in the most enviable circumstances, but those who cultivate positive emotional outlooks and actions. So how can we do it? Take concrete steps to practice optimism, gratitude, kindness and self-compassion in your everyday life. The cumulative effect of those everyday choices can have a tremendous impact on how you experience your life.

•    Misconception #2: Happy people suppress negative emotions. Happy people actually experience sadness, grief, worry and other so-called negative emotions nearly as frequently as unhappy people do. The difference is what happens when those feelings occur. Happier people are generally able to experience negative feelings without losing hope for the future. They give themselves permission to feel sad, angry, or lonely, but they remain confident that things will get better. As a result, their sadness progresses into hope and action rather than regressing into anxiety and despair.

•    Misconception #3: Pursuing happiness is self-centered. The strongest of all conclusions drawn by researchers into emotional well-being is that our happiness is determined more by our relationships with other people than by any other single factor. The happiest people build their lives around good, trusting relationships. If other priorities are getting in the way of your relationships take steps to shift the balance back to where it will really make a difference.

•    Misconception #4: I’ll be happy when I achieve my goals. Have you ever noticed that when someone wins the Super Bowl or an Academy Award, or when you achieve a long-sought ambition, that wonderful sense of accomplishment and happiness seems to fade faster than you’d expect? That’s just the way our brains work. Committed goal pursuit is one of the keys to a happy life, but most of the happiness we get from striving for goals comes while we’re making progress toward them, not after we achieve them. That’s why it’s so important that we choose goals that are in synch with what we love and value, and that we make a conscious effort to enjoy them along the way.
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Join the Self-Love Movement™! Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Commitment and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways for free at http://howdoiloveme.com. Read my 2013 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE. Join the Self-Love Movement™! on Facebook.

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This is post 235 in my series on the Law of Attraction in Action. You CAN use your power to manifest your desires.. I do it every day! Read all the posts in my Law of Attraction in Action Series to see how.

Last week I talked about Being Cheap with Friends. There are different dynamics when you’re cheap with yourself. Haggling over a few bucks when you pay a check is petty cheapness. But being personally cheap affects you and your income more intensely. Depriving yourself of splurges or small treats tells the Universe that you don’t feel worthy of good stuff and that you don’t DESERVE to have more than you have. If you hesitate to spend money on things you’d enjoy because you feel you should save or you shouldn’t spend the money (with no real reason), you reinforce having a low value of yourself, which strongly influences what you do or don’t attract.

Often fear of not having enough money is the underlying factor of being cheap with yourself. But a bigger issue is at play here. When you love yourself, you want to do things that make you happy. There’s a big difference between not being cheap and overspending beyond your means. When you’re scared of not having enough money it can be hard to distinguish between them. Not cheap means occasionally treating yourself to something that makes you happy. You might save for massages or spend the extra money to buy the better brand of something. That probably won’t break the bank and isn’t overspending beyond your means, which is just reckless.

Often we’re more likely to spend money on people we love than on ourselves. We splurge on gifts for others and are cheap about gifts for ourselves. If you do that it’s not loving to you! I’ve encountered many people who will find a way to buy something special for a friend but not for themselves. And if it’s a romantic partner, people often don’t think twice. People pleasers buy to please others. When you have strong self-love, you want to buy to please YOU! And that tell the Universe that you deserve more, and the Law of Attraction is more likely to being you more.

The more generous you are with yourself and your needs, the more likely you are to attract more good stuff, and money. When you spend like you already have more money (without putting yourself into debt of course), it’s more likely you’ll have the money for the splurges you make. Fearless spending creates a vibration of knowing you have the money coming and that you believe in your value. Being  scared to spend on yourself tells the Universe you aren’t worthy of more. Guess which one will bring you lots more? Love yourself enough to not be cheap with yourself. It feels good and attract a lot more.

See all the posts in my Law of Attraction in Action Series HERE.

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When I interviewed a woman who had been a model she said that the worst feeling was being a model, thinking she had a good body and then having her photos airbrushed to make her look slimmer and more perfect. Yet so many of us compare ourselves to models and other images in the media. That’s so unfair to you!

How can you love yourself the way you are if you’re looking at unrealistic standards for what your body should look like. The statistics are shocking. Models average 23% lower weight than the average person. And men aren’t exempt from this. The video below is eye-opening. It has examples of the images we’re exposed to and how wrong it is. Share this with others. We need to focus more on being healthy and happy, not skinny or with over-ripped abs. Practice being your own role model!

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Join the Self-Love Movement™! Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Commitment and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways for free at http://howdoiloveme.com. Read my 2013 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE. Join the Self-Love Movement™! on Facebook.

Please leave comments under my posts so we can stay connected.