Lessons from a Recovering Doormat

The idea of begin afraid of SUCCESS might seem odd. After all, isn’t that what we strive for? In theory, SUCCESS is a positive. It can mean your career is advanced, you make more money, and you get closer to realizing dreams. What’s the fear factor? It’s in the unknown I’ve talked about.

WThe hardest fear to deal with is being scared what MIGHT happen.

It’s not quite reality based –you’re afraid of “what ifs” instead of concrete situations. If someone threatens you, it’s normal to be afraid. Jumping out of a plane can cause a legitimate set of frazzled nerves. But fear of the unknown is worrying about things that your mind conjures up.

Your imagination can create a variety of scenarios that keep you stuck. And for those of us who don’t know what SUCCESS may bring, fear of SUCCESS can create blocks that prevent us from achieving it. In my DoorMat days, fear ruled me on many levels. Being insecure, I worried about how I’d handle a new or different scenario, even if it was a good one. SUCCESS was a frightening prospect.

Doormats prefer to keep things status quo, even if the status quo makes them unhappy. The idea of navigating something new and excited can seem daunting to someone with low confidence. I sabotaged opportunities without quite knowing why. It was like swatting flies. You automatically swat when a small buzzer comes toward you.

When you’re insecure, it’s hard to stop automatically swatting away good opportunities.

The first book I ever wrote was for children. I loved it! By chance, I met an editor from Scholastic books and she offered to read it. She returned the manuscript with a nice note saying that several editors liked it but would prefer some changes. They weren’t hard to make. They were very interested in publishing it if I made them. And I didn’t. No reason. Sending it to the editor as a long shot. This was serious. I never consciously choose not to do it. But it still sits in my file draw in the envelope it came in. Years later, the editor was gone. I will get it published one day!

There are some common worries that contribute to fear of SUCCESS:

* Will it change me or how others see or treat me? Some people change with SUCCESS, Sometimes there’s no choice if you’re pushed to maintain an image or people expect too much of you if you’re too open. Sometimes change is an ego thing and you should be scared of that! ? But, if you’re conscious of who you are and where your passions lie, you can stay true to you. Be the same person you are now and your real friends won’t change, even if you have to don a façade at professional events. My friends have orders to kick my butt real hard if I ever get an attitude. ? Ask the same of yours.

* Will I be disappointed when I get what I strive for? You might be successful but it may not generate the money, opportunities or high profile that you hoped for. Or, if you’re not happy already, you may not feel as happy as you expected to be from reaching this level. When you’re not happy on the inside, you look to external factors for happiness. That often creates a let-down when you get it, because career SUCCESS doesn’t create real happiness inside. Following passions lead to a more satisfying SUCCESS.

* Can I handle SUCCESS? Subconsciously, you might be used to struggling. Some people find it challenging. Needing to pay bills is a good motivation for working hard. Or, deep down you might not feel worthy of SUCCESS or of being able to live up to people’s expectations of you. Write down what SUCCESS means to you. What expectations do you see? Figure out if any of it makes you nervous, and why. Become conscious of these things to find ways around them. Then make a list of all the good things SUCCESS will bring you. If you get scared, focus on THAT list.

* Will there be pressure on me to increase my SUCCESS? There are a lot of one-hit wonders. Maintaining SUCCESS can seem daunting. You may be okay with achieving the initial SUCCESS. But pressure to surpass it may be the scary part. Take it day by day. Faith in your higher being, and in yourself helps you triumph over this kind of fear.

* Will I have to make more decisions? You may worry that life will get more complicated at the next level of what you’re doing. More opportunities mean more decisions have to be made. Should I take a higher position or seek a better job? These choices may be tough to make and detract from your freedom of creative flow, even if they’re good opportunities. SUCCESS can rein you in a little if you have to commit to things that will make your life more rigid or deprive you of free time. Focus on the rewards.

* Will doing what I do still be fun? SUCCESS can create more obligations and restrictions. The road to it may seem more pleasurable. Before my first book deal, I was afraid SUCCESS might dim my passion for writing. When you’re hungry you push more. I liked that urgency to work hard. It fueled me to write and I didn’t want to lose it. But eventually I knew I was more likely to lose the passion if I kept writing books that no one saw. Having achieved a decent level of SUCCESS, I can attest that my passion is stronger than ever. Knowing that my books will get to a receptive audience is a bigger motivation than struggling. Look for the pleasure in your choices.

Just as failures teach you about yourself and how to do things better, so does the path to SUCCESS. If you’ve felt like there was a block to your SUCCESS, think what might scare you about actually achieving what you say you want. How do you feel about those factors? Talk it out with a good friend to separate true concerns from the what ifs. Then work on your inner intentions for what you really want out of your life.

Use positive affirmations to defeat the fear. “I intend to become more successful with ease.” “I’m worthy of and ready for great success.”

Fear will always be there. It’s how you handle it that counts! Consciousness and determination get you to the other side!

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

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For the first interview of my Embracing SUCCESS series I have Craig Newmark, Founder of Craigslist, a
site that’s made life easier for millions of people. Every Wednesday I’ll interview someone who’s become successful by following his or her passions. I find Craig inspiring. He’s so down-to-earth and caring about the services he offers, as you’ll see by some of his answers.

In 1994, Craig saw the beginnings of online communities and news groups and thought the Internet would help him connect with people. He began sending an e-mail list of what he considered cool events in San Francisco to friends. It became popular and more people got added to his mailing list. Then requests came in to list apartments, jobs, etc. Craig decided to move it to a list server.

People were calling it Craigslist and despite other ideas, the name stuck. Craig still had a day job and ran it as a hobby. In 1998, there were things that needed to be adjusted. He left his day job and worked on developing Craig’s List more seriously. He hired Jim Buckmaster to manage it and now he’s the CEO.

Craig began Craigslist as a service for San Francisco, but now there are Craigslists all over the country and the world. He still concentrates on giving good customer service and improving what the site offers. He still works in customer service. I once emailed about a problem and heard right back from him! Craig also started the Craigslist Foundation, that provides support for emerging non-profits. So giving back is a very important part of what he strives for!

Next week the interview will be with Tim Westergren, founder of Pandora, the wonderful online radio site. His story is an example of how passion can make you go the distance. I have some other terrific people that I’ll announce next week.

Interview with Craig Newmark, founder of Craigslist

Why do you think Craigslist has been so successful?
Culture of trust, results from follow through on values like “treat people like you want to be treated.”
Good customer service; First mover in the classified ads space. Site run as a community service, almost all free.

What turned the tide‹both in the operation AND in your head‹from viewing CL as a hobby to seeing the potential of it being a viable business?
Community people let me know that the volunteer operation was failing, and helped me get out of denial.

How do you view yourself among the other shareholders, since you founded the company? What do you currently do at Craigslist?
I don’t even think about it. My primary gig is customer service, also shared responsibility for media strategy and speaking.

What made you start Craigslist Foundation?
Felt right as another way to give back to the community.

Which of your endeavors gives you the most satisfaction?
Nothing specific, just a sense that we’re helping out lots of people.

How would you rate the importance of doing things to give back in the big picture of doing business?
High priority.

What are you most grateful for?
People can see what we’re really about.

How would you rate your success?
I don’t; there’s always more to do.

What lessons did you learn on the road from your hobby to having such as a successful business that helped you grow as a person?
Trust people in general, but listen to my intuition.

What¹s more important when making a business decision‹improving CL as a viable moneymaking business or staying true to your values and the needs of those who use it?
We don’t think about the first, we just follow through with our values.
How do you feel knowing that you¹ve created a huge community that so many people value and were chosen as one of Time magazine’s people who shape our lives? It’s flattering, but there’s more work to do.

What’s your best advice to someone who says, “My goal is to be successful.”
Follow through with basic values, and remember to provide good customer service.

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

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If at first you don’t succeed, ?try, try again. This saying is said to have been included in a Teacher’s Manual in the eighteen hundreds. So perseverance is an old concept! In my last post, Controlling Fear of Failure, I talked about how fear of failure keeps us from even trying. From the emails I got, I know this topic resonated with many of you. It’s important to be conscious of how you let fear sabotage your chances of attaining the SUCCESS you say you want.

You can’t try, try again if you don’t try even once.

In my DoorMat days, fear was the overriding factor that guided me. So much of that fear was of the unknown. I didn’t know what might happen if I tried, so I made excuses to postpone taking action. How could I try something new if I didn’t know the outcome? What if failure made me feel worse than I already did? So I lived in a state of wanting to try new things and have new accomplishments. But fear of failing put invisible weights on my resolve.

I was stuck! We often get stuck in pursuit of dreams. But those sticky factors can be dissolved so you can try, and try again!

How? By driving through the fear and making that first try using techniques in my posts.

I was laughed at for years as I projected my dreams out but never pursued them. I taught workshops on the topics I now write about. The blurb about me always said I was the author of the upcoming book, ____. I was writing them but never tried to get published. One day I overheard two women talking about me. One called me a fraud! She said I faked being an author. The other agreed. They discussed how I taught a variety of music business and self-empowerment workshops and probably couldn’t write a book on either topic well.

I was a master of nothing to them!

It hurt! I was embarrassed and shamed. They were wrong, but I understood their view. I wasn’t really an upcoming author if I didn’t even try to get published. I was NOT a fraud but I WAS a wannabee writer. So I made a decision to take a chance. I thought for a while to decide which book to pursue first, since I had many in the works! I decided that The Real Deal: How to Get Signed to a Record Label had the broadest appeal of my music industry books at the time. There were few music books published so I decided to go with that one.

I learned how to write a book proposal and sent it to some agents. One jumped on it so I went with her. I suggested she go to Billboard but she said she had no contacts there and would go to major publishers. I was still terrified of rejection, which I equated as failure. So when publishers began to turn the book down, my fear of failure raged. I questioned my ability and began to expect more rejection. That’s what the Law of Attraction brought me!

I didn’t want to fail! But over 15 editors turned my book down.

Failure didn’t feel good so why subject myself to more by encouraging my agent to keep going? I became complacent, accepting my agent’s prediction that the book wouldn’t sell. Meanwhile, I was still selling the homemade reports about the music industry at my workshops and by mail. I resigned that my writing career would be limited to that.

The next week I went to Washington DC to do a series of workshops on music business and self-empowerment. I mailed a box of reports down and sold a bunch. Since I traveled by train, I only had a big backpack and loaded it with what I didn’t sell. As I schlepped through the train station that Friday afternoon with the bulky reports on my back, I had an epiphany.

I wasn’t happy and was tired of living like this! It was time for a real career to manifest, and that meant getting published! I knew I was good at both speaking and writing and my books were worthy of being in stores. I was finally ready for SUCCESS! I know that this was a spiritual kick in the butt as a thought swirled through my head—I WAS a good writer and CHOSE to earn my living from it!

When I got home, fear of failure hit me again so the spiritual kick continued. I began to read through my partially written books and KNEW I had to get book deals for them. The next day I struggled to push away the fear of failure. It’s a tough one to just get past! I read my page-a-day calendar, written by Louise Hay and know with all my heart that the words were sent from a higher place.

“I am at that point in my life where I know I deserve all good. I am open to all the gifts the Universe has to offer.”

That was on April 26, 1996. The page still hangs by my bed. I looked up and said “thank you!” At that moment, I knew I had the power to do anything I CHOSE, and I CHOSE to get published. I was finally ready. All in. Prepared to face fear squarely and snuff it out! I screamed that affirmation all weekend long! Shouted it in my car. Repeated it over and over in my apartment. Repeated it to myself as I walked all over the city. I was ready for great SUCCESS and nothing was going to stop me!

Once ready, I was super ready, and decided that I’d get three book deals in one year. I was told that was impossible, but, refused to listen.

On Monday morning, I got a call from the senior acquisitions editor at Billboard, not about my book, but to inquire about an educational series I put together as a fundraiser for an organization. After I answered his questions, I told him about my book. He got excited, asked to see it ASAP and immediately asked to publish it. It was no coincidence that he called me the morning after my weekend of affirming that I was ready for great SUCCESS. I was ready!

They say that when the student is ready the teacher will come. I also say that when you decide to put aside fears and doubts, the elements for SUCCESS will come.

I told everyone, even during talks and on TV, of my intention to get 3 book deals in one year. Naysayers came out of the woodwork but I kept doing my affirmation and told people to call me a year from my first deal. The Real Deal was published 8 months after I signed the deal. My Billboard editor immediate signed me to write Start & Run Your Own Record Label. I told him that I would also be getting a deal for All Men Are Jerks Until Proven Otherwise. He had faith in me and didn’t mind.

Exactly a year after getting my first deal, I accepted my third. My blessings, and my SUCCESS, continue to manifest.

Ask yourself, “What do I want? To avoid failure or to be SUCCESSFUL?” “How will avoiding failure help me?” “How will avoiding failure hurt me?” If you don’t like the answers, try my affirmation and say it till you feel it!

“I am at that point in my life where I know I deserve all good. I am open to all the gifts the Universe has to offer.”

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark
and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

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Do you block SUCCESS if you’re scared to fail? It’s ridiculous, but trying to avoid what worries you can impede succeeding. Before being published, I made excuses for not going after a book deal. The truth was, I was terrified my dreams would evaporate if editors didn’t like my writing. It felt better to write than to pursue a publisher. Fear of rejection choked me.

Failure sounds awful on the surface. It represents shattered dreams.

I talked about getting published but never sent a manuscript out. It took years to develop enough confidence to do it. Failure teaches. When twenty publishers passed on my second book, I found an agent who helped me rewrite my proposal and got a GOOD deal two weeks later.

Before I was published, I made excuses for not trying to get a book deal. The truth was, I was terrified that if editors didn’t like my writing, my dreams would evaporate. It felt better to go through the motions of working on my books than to pursue a deal. The thought of being rejected in the bigger picture of my career kept me stuck. So I wrote and talked about getting published but didn’t even send my manuscripts to editors or try to get an agent.

It took years to develop enough confidence in my ability to write well before I pursued a deal. I still got rejected by many editors but by then I’d learned that failures are stepping stones to SUCCESS. It’s hard to succeed if you don’t fail sometimes too. Failures teach us. When one of my books was turned down by 20 publishers, I found an agent who gave me tips in presenting the concepts better in the proposal. I got a deal two weeks later. It made me better at what I do.

SUCCESS is NOT avoiding failure. By conquering fears, we give ourselves permission to succeed.

Hannah came to me for self-empowerment counseling because she felt no joy. She’s a graphic designer and wanted to open her own business. Before taking a full time gig she tried, but couldn’t find enough clients. Then she went the other extreme. Nights and weekends were filled with freelance clients along with a full time day job. Friends advised quitting her job but she was afraid of failure for her own biz. I asked when she’d get a life. She indignantly insisted she had one. I pointed out she left no time for pleasure.

Hannah looked at me like I’d thrown water on her. She was so busy with a full time job and trying to juggle an almost full time business that she had no down time. Or fun! She said she was afraid her business would fail. We did spiritual exercises and she focused on how many clients she already had. After we worked together, she gave notice at work and let clients know about her now full time business. Recommendations came and Hannah’s life is fun and satisfying!

Hannah learned she needed to develop clients by proving herself to be good. Then she was able to attract enough client to have a business. I encouraged her not to beat herself up for waiting so long. She had to prove to herself that she could do it. That meant doing graphic design for another company, and having private clients return and recommend others. That gave her the confidence to fly on her own.

You’re not a failure, IF you learn from what went wrong.

Think in terms of roadblocks to be overcome instead of the dreaded “F” word. Separate failing at something from seeing yourself as a failure. You can move past failures by continuing onto SUCCESS. But, thinking of yourself as a failure puts invisible shackles on your motivation to move forward. It’s important not to let your actions and experiences define you! Many of us need a kick to realize how fear of failure keeps you from succeeding! Avoiding failure keeps you from taking the risks needed to succeed.

So you self-sabotage achieving SUCCESS by letting fear of failure stop you from going for it.

Think in terms of roadblocks that can be overcome instead of giving in to thoughts of the dreaded “F” word. It’s so important not to let your actions and experiences define you! Reinterpret what happened and put it into a more realistic framework. You can help yourself to not feel like a failure and to grow from your experiences if you reframe situations and grow from your experiences by asking:
• What would I say to a friend in this situation to make her or him feel better?
• Are there any earth shattering consequences that will ruin my life?
• Am I willing to let a momentary failure ruin my whole life?
• What didn’t I pay attention to?
• What did I do well or right?
• What one thing do I now see that I could have done differently?
• What are better options for handling a similar situation?
• What baby step can I take to begin again?
• What would it take for me to accept that a mistake doesn’t make me a failure?

If you take a failure personally, get into the habit of telling yourself to stop it—out loud! Keep what doesn’t go right in perspective. Do you try to succeed, or just avoid failure? When you focus on not failing, you stay in a rut. Get out there are go for SUCCESS instead!

In the last years I’ve been a pillar of non-failure. Yep, not one failure in many years. Are you jealous? Hello! You can live failure-free too. Memorize this – IF YOU DON’T QUIT, YOU CAN’T FAIL!!! I never fail if I don’t stop trying. Mistakes don’t mean failure. They teach you what doesn’t work. Thomas Edison said, “Results! Why man I have gotten a lot of results. I know several thousand things that don’t work.” Look what he accomplished! If you don’t make mistakes, you’re not trying hard enough! If what you try doesn’t work, you have no less than before. Not being afraid to try is an accomplishment! Appreciate that and try again.

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

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