Lessons from a Recovering Doormat

Shana wrote to ask me how to tell her boss not to call her regularly at night and on weekends. She said he can never find things and hounds her with questions that aren’t urgent. She’s tired of feeling like she’s working during her off hours but doesn’t want to hurt her otherwise good relationship with her boss. And it’s upsetting her kids. She wants to know “How can I stop him from emailing and calling me after hours?”

Many of us, especially if we’re people pleasers, are scared to set boundaries at work. You may want to seem like a team player and a cooperative colleague. So you go along with what’s asked of  you, even if you think it’s unfair and it makes you angry. Women especially are taught to be agreeable and may be hesitant to rock the boat. But that’s the DoorMat mentality! I relate as I went along with anything people wanted in my DoorMat days. I’d be unhappy and resentful but did what was asked of me. Now I’ve learned thatsetting and sticking to boundareis at appropriate times is not only my right, but it makes me empowered.

People actually have more respect for those who stand up for themselves. It feels good to set limitations on what people should expect from you. Often the people who you see as taking advantage aren’t doing anything wrong. They’re just asking for what you’ve always agreed to and might not know it bothers you if you don’t speak up. Often we get angry at being treated in ways that our response says is okay and people don’t know better. It’s up to you to show people what’s appropriate in your eyes, and what isn’t.

One option is don’t answer the phone. Nicely explain to your boss that you need downtime during your time off so you don’t want to check emails or even answer your phone.  Gently say that you’ll be happy to help him first thing Monday when you get in since none of what ‘s asked of you is urgent. Try to be up front about wanting your time off to be free of work stuff, unless it’s s real emergency. Drop the upsetting your kids card. That’s a very legitimate issue that few would argue with. Your boss needs to be taught what the boundaries are since you’ve had none until now.

Keep a smile on your face and nicely say something like, “I’m sure that you understand why my free time is very important for my mental health. When I have this time I function better during work hours. I’d appreciate your respecting that I’d like to keep work issues to my work hours.” Occasionally take a call but get off the phone fast. Don’t answer emails during off hours. Your boss will slowly get used to the new boundaries if you set them nicely but with a firm intent.
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Join the Self-Love Movement™! Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Commitment and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways for free at http://howdoiloveme.com. Read my 2013 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE. Join the Self-Love Movement™! on Facebook.

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Whether at work or play, there are people who step up to the plate when praise is given, even if you were the key part of it and they rode your coattails. That can create bad felings if it’s done to you, plus it isn’t fair to not get the acknowledgement you deserve. And it’s hard to figure out how to address it without making a scene or causing a problem. But there are many “nice” ways to handle it.

When I was a DoorMat I thought being modest would make people like me more so I let others take credit for things I did with my efforts, or my talents. It never occurred to me to speak up or share what I’d done. I thought of myself as a team player, even if I was the only one on the team who did the work. But  deep down I felt angry when I saw praise being lavished on someone who took credit for what I did. I woke up when I did volunteer work for an organization and put their events together, mostly by myself.

Each time I sat at a meeting and heard the other volunteers congratulate each other for another successful event, it stirred anger, since none of them did anything. I still remember when someone volunteered to organize a workshop. I was happy that someone else was doing it. But then she called. She couldn’t get any speakers. Could I help? I got her all of them. The she  couldn’t get a venue to have it in. I used one of my contacts and got them to volunteer space. The event was a success but at the next meeting, everyone praised the woman I’d done the work for. She sat there glowing and never mentioned my part, which was everything except coming up with the idea.

I didn’t make a fuss but shortly after I stepped down from that committee. When they asked who would handle the events I just smiled sweetly said that since they all take credit for my hard work and don’t seem to appreciate me, they can surely actually do something. It was a big turning point for me. From then on I made sure to not let that happen again. Now if someone doesn’t give me the credit I deserve, I ask them why after. You don’t have to be hostile but it’s important to not let it slide. Otherwise it can become a habit.

This happened to Julie. Whenever she went out to eat with her parents and cousins, her sister picked up the check and everyone thanked her profusely. Afterward, she’d whisper to Julie that she should give her half the money. Julie didn’t mind splitting the check but no one ever knew she did. When she told me about it, she was seething that she was paying half the bill while her sister looked like a big shot. She had caught herself from exploding the last time but needed to do something. At my suggestion, I told her to speak to her sister in a nice tone and explain you don’t like chipping in for dinner and getting no thanks from everyone since she lets them think she’s doing all the treating.

Her sister got the message and the next time she told the family that Julie was also paying for dinner, and had each time. Julie felt better from having spoken up. Since you deserve credit for what you do, it’s important to speak up. But do it in a friendly way, assuming that the person doesn’t realize what they’re doing. If a colleague or your boss takes credit for your ideas, take the person aside and say that you were disappointed for not being acknowledged for your part. Ask how that can be prevented next time. Once the person knows it’s harder to ignore doing so.

While we don’t need to get acknowledged for every little thing we do, notice when it bothers you not to be. Then say something. Or give yourself credit. I once came up with the idea for a theme for a friend’s son’s birthday party. It was a huge success and everyone told her how clever she was. She just said thank you. So I began telling people how I came up with the idea.  Find whatever makes you feel better and do it. People won’t know it bothers you unless you tell them. It’s so empowering to speak up for yourself!
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Join the Self-Love Movement™! Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Commitment and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways for free at http://howdoiloveme.com. Read my 2013 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE. Join the Self-Love Movement™! on Facebook.

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I’ve been working on my intuition more and have found using it very helpful. I’ve read Angela Artemis’ books on intuition. She’s an author, businesswoman, intuition teacher and founder of Powered by Intuition dot com. Angela on a mission to teach readers around the world to “speak intuition” so that they avoid making mistakes, and choose wisely to fulfill all their brilliant potential. Her popular website, Powered by Intuition, is a rich source of information for readers wishing to learn how to use their intuition to create fulfilling and successful lives. Her book, The Intuition Principle, is a great source of understanding for how to use your own intuition. Today I’m thrilled to have Angela back to talk about which sex is more intuitive.

Battle of the Sexes: Who is the Most Intuitive?
 Angela Artemis

Why is it that every intuitive development class I’ve taken has been filled with more women than men? If you were to do a search on the Internet for intuitives you would find that women far outnumber males in this field.

Are women truly more intuitive than men or, could it have to do with the way women are socialized to empathize with others? Or could there be more of a physiological reason? Based on some recent research findings, women possess more of the biological functions necessary for being more attuned to the subtle cues of intuition.

Nature versus nurture: A vital ability that is needed when you’re developing intuitively is being able to observe subtle changes in the way things look, or appear. Women pick up on these subtle changes far more often than males. A woman may be able to tell from registering these subtle changes in a person’s face what emotions the person is experiencing. This is a practical and necessary skill when gathering intuitive information.

Scientific findings: Findings show that women are better at facial recognition than men.  Studies show that this is due to the fact that women are more interested in emotional bonding based upon their need to recognize, bond and nurture their offspring. To put this in perspective, how long did it take for your spouse to notice that you’d changed something about your appearance? Your wife probably noticed the minute she saw you. Your husband probably needed a few hints like, “Does something look different about me?”

Due to their more accurate hearing women are more aware of subtle changes in tone than men. Studies have proven that women have slightly better hearing than men. They cull “more” meaning from the words they hear than males because of their ability to hear at a wider range. They sense changes in tone more easily and from that, derive the emotional signals that are encoded in the words they’re hearing. This could explain why women are more apt to know someone is emotionally upset, even before the person has told them so.

Another reason women seem to be more tuned in to the needs of others intuitively may be due to their higher estrogen levels. This hormone may cause them to experience emotions more deeply, especially during certain times of their menstrual cycle. The ability to feel another person’s emotional pain and share their emotions is called empathy. Scientific studies show that women exhibit more of an empathic response than men do and are more attuned to emotions than males.

Comparative brain studies: Recent comparative brain studies found that there are physiological differences in men and women’s brains and in the way information is processed due to those differences. These physiological differences point to why women and men respond to the same input so differently. Women show more emotion and are more sensitive to feelings when communicating, while men tend to be more solution oriented and logical.

Even though much of this information supports the theory for women possessing the physiological factors for being more intuitive, a 2006 study conducted by Dr. Richard Wiseman asking men and women to identify “fake smiles” versus “sincere smiles” had more men guessing correctly over the women respondents.

Men are also better at making ”snap” decisions than women. These snap decisions are intuitive responses based on information pulled from various stored files in the subconscious. Since men lean toward being more logical and solution oriented when this stored information comes to the surface they are more apt to leave “emotions out” of the decision making process. This results in less second guessing of their decision which is often the reason their ”business like approach” yields positive results.

Most errors in judgment can be linked back to “thinking too much” which fosters second-guessing and allows emotions to enter into the equation. For example, when you’re too emotional over a decision you worry about how the decision will affect others or if it might hurt someone’s feelings which can cause you to alter your decision from the right one to the wrong one.
So what can we conclude from this? Men are better at guessing whose smile is genuine over women and better at snap intuitive decision-making? Or, perhaps it means men are better at identifying mates to have sex with? Maybe making snap decisions well and knowing who is sincerely interested in them versus disingenuous is an important factor in propagating our species?

My own “hunch” is that while women do have some physiological advantages toward being intuitive men are equally as intuitive as females but, in a different way.

Women are socialized to be more comfortable expressing and discussing emotions and this allows them to be in touch with their intuition more easily. Outward displays of emotion have not been encouraged for men, and while that may be changing, for the most part men still refrain in larger numbers than women from doing things that are classified as “touchy feely” such as actively using or developing their intuition.

At Powered by Intuition, I focus on intuition development as a success skill that can be used to make the right life and business decisions. I believe intuition development can benefit both men and women. Perhaps if more men were aware of all the practical uses for their intuition they wouldn’t be so fast to shy away from developing the more empathetic side  of their intuition.

Do you have an opinion on whether males or females are more intuitive? Share your opinion with us here.
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Join the Self-Love Movement™! Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Commitment and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways for free at http://howdoiloveme.com. Read my 2013 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE. Join the Self-Love Movement™! on Facebook.

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This is post 233 in my series on the Law of Attraction in Action. You CAN use your power to manifest your desires.. I do it every day! Read all the posts in my Law of Attraction in Action Series to see how.

I bought a pair of earrings that I loved before I went on vacation. I was staying in an apartment that someone let me use. One morning I headed out to do some shopping when I noticed that one earring was gone. They were silver hoops and I figured it would be easy to spot. It had to be either in the car, the apartment or somewhere outside on the short path to my car. I searched my car, the apartment and retraced my steps. No earring. I as upset as they were a splurge and I didn’t want to lose one. I mean I REALLY didn’t want to part with it.

I became determined to find the earring. I affirmed over and over, “I will find it.” And “My earring will turn up. I kept searching and affirming but nothing. That night I affirmed it before going to sleep and in the morning I became more determined to find my earring. I spoke to a friend who warned that it was probably lost for good since it wasn’t in the apartment or car and a day had passed. But I insisted that I’d find it somewhere. I felt it with all my heart. And it went into my vibration.

Later that day I went out. When I returned and got out of my car, I noticed something shining on the ground. It was my earring! I’d walked by that spot several time since I’d lost it, looking carefully and it wasn’t there. But the Law of Attraction heard me and there was my earring. I was shocked and wondered how it got there—to a spot I’d checked before but one that made it hard for me to miss seeing it. My determination set up a vibration that brought the earring back to me! And it was in perfect shape!

It doesn’t matter how impossible it may seem to get or do something. The Universe doesn’t make judgments. YOU do. If you decide something won’t happen, it probably won’t. But if you conjure up your determination to get what you want, you’ll have a great chance of manifesting it. Miracles happen every day. I get many. So can you! Next time it looks like something isn’t working out, cultivate a mindset of determination. If it’s strong enough, you may get your miracle!

See all the posts in my Law of Attraction in Action Series HERE.
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Join the Self-Love Movement™! Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Commitment and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways for free at http://howdoiloveme.com. Read my 2013 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE. Join the Self-Love Movement™! on Facebook.

Please leave comments under my posts so we can stay connected.